He said he likes me so why is he suddenly acting distant?

[girlinNYC]

I've been involved with guy for just over a month now and things have been going great. Almost too good to be true great. When we are together there is that instant chemistry and fireworks (haven't had sex) and we both noted that connection. He has never pressured me for sex, since we have never discussed it.

 

He has shown respect, been funny, goes out of his way to make me laugh, doesn't booty call, etc. We discuss politics, current affairs, other intellectual matters so obviously he doesn't see me as a ditsy 'hit it and quit it' girl. A few of his close friends know about me too. Shown absolutely no player signs.

 

As recent as a week ago he told me he liked me and wants to spend more time together in future. Also expressed interest in meeting my family. Of course I obliged and reciprocated the same desires, as I like him too.

 

Over the past few days, I have noticed he is acting distant. I gave him space for a couple of days, then decided to check in yesterday by sending him a news article of interest and he never replied. That's all very well, buy why essentially lead me on, tell friends about me, make grand plans of wanting to spend more time together and say he likes me, only to be distant over a few consecutive days?

 

He is in his final semester of college and is also focussed on getting high marks to finish off his degree, which I feel could be a reason he is starting to keep me at arms length, again - doesn't answer my previous question of why he would say all of those things related to the future.

 

Thoughts?

Edited February 20, 2018 by girlinNYC
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[Millie the Cat]

I would not contact him, and in fact let him do all the contacting and pursuing for a while. You should be a "prize." Try to get involved with other friends, activities, working out....don't focus on this guy. You should be the "prize" he is pursuing. If you take away the opportunity for him to chase you, then he will lose interest.

[girlinNYC]

I would not contact him, and in fact let him do all the contacting and pursuing for a while. You should be a "prize." Try to get involved with other friends, activities, working out....don't focus on this guy. You should be the "prize" he is pursuing. If you take away the opportunity for him to chase you, then he will lose interest.

 

That's what I plan on doing. Of course I want to talk to him but I have absolutely no desire to begin a conversation as I will start to look desperate.

If I ignore him, will he think I have lost interest and therefore ignore me? I know I reached out yesterday but some guys don't always take cues. Maybe that's just an intrusive thought on my part.

[Cookiesandough]

How many dates have you been on?

[girlinNYC]

How many dates have you been on?

 

Two, and he said he was planning another couple. Also sent me a brochure for a festival.

[hippychick3]

Two, and he said he was planning another couple. Also sent me a brochure for a festival.

 

You’ve been involved for over a month and have only had 2 dates? That seems like his interest is low and/or he is dating others. I would move on.

[girlinNYC]

You’ve been involved for over a month and have only had 2 dates? That seems like his interest is low and/or he is dating others. I would move on.

 

Why would he say all of those things if he had low interest? It makes no sense to me

[hippychick3]

Why would he say all of those things if he had low interest? It makes no sense to me

 

He may have gotten caught up in the moment and felt excited. But it’s actions that count, not words. Always watch for actions. Words don’t mean anything if there’s no action behind them.

[kendahke]

That's all very well, buy why essentially lead me on, tell friends about me, make grand plans of wanting to spend more time together and say he likes me, only to be distant over a few consecutive days? Over the past few days, I have noticed he is acting distant. I decided to check in yesterday by sending him a news article of interest and he never replied Thoughts?

It would appear you've already answered your own question:

 

He is in his final semester of college and is also focussed on getting high marks to finish off his degree,

As to this:

which I feel could be a reason he is starting to keep me at arms length, again - doesn't answer my previous question of why he would say all of those things related to the future

.

 

No, it answers this question, too.

 

He's focused on getting high marks to finish his degree. Right now, that is his focus and priority, not you. So it's a bit soon to be panicking because he didn't return a text or is being distant--you know the reason why.

 

Now, once his course load is over and he's got his grades and he's still acting this way, then you have solid reason to be concerned. But as of now? You already know what's up. Might want to try to be an understanding girlfriend.

[girlinNYC]

It would appear you've already answered your own question:

 

As to this:

.

 

No, it answers this question, too.

 

He's focused on getting high marks to finish his degree. Right now, that is his focus and priority, not you. So it's a bit soon to be panicking because he didn't return a text or is being distant--you know the reason why.

 

Now, once his course load is over and he's got his grades and he's still acting this way, then you have solid reason to be concerned. But as of now? You already know what's up. Might want to try to be an understanding girlfriend.

 

I’m not his girlfriend. We are just in the ‘involved with each other’ stage.

I understand what you’re saying, although I used the college example as a potential reason, doesn’t mean it’s the real reason however. He stated he wants me to help him study if I wanted too.

I’m trying to decipher why a guy would make all of the grand statements, tell his friends about me etc only to be distant. It isn’t logical.

Edited February 21, 2018 by girlinNYC
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[kendahke]

I’m not his girlfriend. We are just in the ‘involved with each other’ stage.

 

then you should really rein in your expectations. Expectations are future resentments under construction.

 

I understand what you’re saying, although I used the college example as a potential reason, doesn’t mean it’s the real reason however.

 

Then what is the real reason if the one you provided isn't it? We can't give you good advice if you're not being forthcoming with the truth of the situation.

 

He stated he wants me to help him study if I wanted too.

I’m trying to decipher why a guy would make all of the grand statements, tell his friends about me etc only to be distant. It isn’t logical.

 

It's called "thinking out loud enough to be heard by others".

 

Like I said, wait until the obligations and priority are over and you have more than 2 dates and are further along in it than 5 weeks.

[girlinNYC]

then you should really rein in your expectations. Expectations are future resentments under construction.

 

 

 

Then what is the real reason if the one you provided isn't it? We can't give you good advice if you're not being forthcoming with the truth of the situation.

 

 

 

It's called "thinking out loud enough to be heard by others".

 

Like I said, wait until the obligations and priority are over and you have more than 2 dates and are further along in it than 5 weeks.

 

I’m providing as much info as possible. All of what I have said is relevant enough. The real reason is exactly what I’m trying to come up with.

I’m not trying to be OTT with expectations, but when someone constantly makes future plans and suddenly gives the cold shoulder, the distance stands out. He started the ‘talk everyday’ trend.

[olivetree]

You can't really put much stock into how "things are" when you've only met in person twice.

 

He has now lost interest, another girl has caught his eye... who knows.

 

What you do know is that you reached out and he didn't even bother to reply.

 

Best to start moving on and if he gets in touch, take it from there.

[girlinNYC]

You can't really put much stock into how "things are" when you've only met in person twice.

 

He has now lost interest, another girl has caught his eye... who knows.

 

What you do know is that you reached out and he didn't even bother to reply.

 

Best to start moving on and if he gets in touch, take it from there.

 

Yep, could be a myriad of reasons. We both lead busy lives, I get it, it's just more about why he'd talk about the future and then treat me like I don't exist. We really connect.

[Flame Aura]

Yep, could be a myriad of reasons. We both lead busy lives, I get it, it's just more about why he'd talk about the future and then treat me like I don't exist. We really connect.

 

Here's a crazy () idea, why not ask him to meet up/go on a date?

 

"Hey haven't heard from you in a while, fancy meeting up and going for a drink/dinner?"

[girlinNYC]

Here's a crazy () idea, why not ask him to meet up/go on a date?

 

"Hey haven't heard from you in a while, fancy meeting up and going for a drink/dinner?"

 

I'd love too but I think I'll look desperate at that point. I've reached out despite him being distant over the last few days and have got nothing in return.

[Mx12345]

His “busy life” and “trying to finish college” didn’t keep him from reaching out before, did it? Something changed. Maybe he met someone more who peaked his interest, maybe he’s having doubts about the two of you. It could be a number of reasons but I don’t think it’s accidental. This forum has taught me time and time again, words mean nothing. His actions show he is ignoring you. I definitely would not reach out anymore and if he does contact you I would be polite at best.

[girlinNYC]

His “busy life” and “trying to finish college” didn’t keep him from reaching out before, did it? Something changed. Maybe he met someone more who peaked his interest, maybe he’s having doubts about the two of you. It could be a number of reasons but I don’t think it’s accidental. This forum has taught me time and time again, words mean nothing. His actions show he is ignoring you. I definitely would not reach out anymore and if he does contact you I would be polite at best.

 

Absolutely agree. I am a firm believer in actions over words. He has shown constant interest up until now so it's confusing and frustrating to say the least.

I am not going to reach out, the ball is in his court. Definitely not going to humiliate myself by chasing.

[newyorker11356]

His “busy life” and “trying to finish college” didn’t keep him from reaching out before, did it? Something changed. Maybe he met someone more who peaked his interest, maybe he’s having doubts about the two of you. It could be a number of reasons but I don’t think it’s accidental. This forum has taught me time and time again, words mean nothing. His actions show he is ignoring you. I definitely would not reach out anymore and if he does contact you I would be polite at best.

 

I agree that most likely something is definitely up, but it doesn't mean he's lost interest in the OP. Could very well be other factors involved, including focusing on finishing the semester off.

 

You can say it didn't keep him from reaching out before, but maybe he didn't take into account before that he actually has to focus on finishing the semester off, and that could be why he's been distant.

 

OP, have you tried just asking him what's up? Doesn't have to be major, but maybe just say something like you've noticed he's been a little distant these past few days, and that you hope everything is okay.

Edited February 21, 2018 by newyorker11356

[girlinNYC]

I agree that most likely something is definitely up, but it doesn't mean he's lost interest in the OP. Could very well be other factors involved, including focusing on finishing the semester off.

 

You can say it didn't keep him from reaching out before, but maybe he didn't take into account before that he actually has to focus on finishing the semester off, and that could be why he's been distant.

 

OP, have you tried just asking him what's up? Doesn't have to be major, but maybe just say something like you've noticed he's been a little distant these past few days, and that you hope everything is okay.

 

The semester thing was a reason that I had considered, but at the same time only a few days ago he suggested that I'm welcome to visit him and vice versa, as his study buddy. So he had invited me into that university world.

I did think of sending him a message in the coming week if I still don't hear anything however part of me feels it's pointless and that I'll be chasing. How would I say it without coming across as me asking whats up between us? If I was to say something, I want to ask what's up with him/life, that way I'll indirectly have my answer about us anyway without being confrontational.

Edited February 21, 2018 by girlinNYC
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[FilterCoffee]

Hey girl,

I don’t understand why people are telling you not to text him. Texting twice doesn’t make you desperate. In my previous relationships, the first few months were always weird because we didn’t know how the other’s communication style was and there were many misunderstandings. You’ve posted something similar about this guy before and I think both of you are still figuring each other out.

 

I did think of sending him a message in the coming week if I still don't hear anything however part of me feels it's pointless and that I'll be chasing. How would I say it without coming across as me asking whats up between us?

 

You could say something like “Hey <guy’s name>. Haven’t heard from you in a few days. Are you still alive? Do I need to call your parents? ”

[newyorker11356]

Hey girl,

I don’t understand why people are telling you not to text him. Texting twice doesn’t make you desperate. In my previous relationships, the first few months were always weird because we didn’t know how the other’s communication style was and there were many misunderstandings. You’ve posted something similar about this guy before and I think both of you are still figuring each other out.

 

 

 

You could say something like “Hey <guy’s name>. Haven’t heard from you in a few days. Are you still alive? Do I need to call your parents? ”

 

Completely agreed. I don't agree at all with not texting him.

 

Also, that's usually how I send my follow-up texts as well, something like that

[girlinNYC]

Hey girl,

I don’t understand why people are telling you not to text him. Texting twice doesn’t make you desperate. In my previous relationships, the first few months were always weird because we didn’t know how the other’s communication style was and there were many misunderstandings. You’ve posted something similar about this guy before and I think both of you are still figuring each other out.

 

 

 

You could say something like “Hey <guy’s name>. Haven’t heard from you in a few days. Are you still alive? Do I need to call your parents? ”

 

Yeah, it's still early days but given our contact has been so constant and he's been genuine it's hard to figure out why he would be distant out of nowhere, nothing happened?

I see merit in both sides of the texting debate, my best friend also thinks I should message too to reassure him I'm interested, but I thought messaging him first occasionally and sending him funny things would be assurance enough.

[FilterCoffee]

Yeah, it's still early days but given our contact has been so constant and he's been genuine it's hard to figure out why he would be distant out of nowhere, nothing happened?

Well according to your other threads, he’s gone days without talking to you before. Some times even I do the same thing and it doesn’t mean I’m not interested. As long as he doesn’t take more than a week and your conversations are good then you have nothing to worry about.

 

I thought messaging him first occasionally and sending him funny things would be assurance enough.

It is. From when he last texted, give him a week. So if he last texted you on Sunday evening, if you don’t hear from him by this coming Sunday then move on. In the mean time, send him one more message. Don’t send him a link to an article but actually ask him how he’s doing. You could go with the message I posted previously. If he still doesn’t respond in our timeframe then you have your answer. Nobody’s so busy that they can’t reply to a text in a few days.

[Eljay]

I'd love too but I think I'll look desperate at that point. I've reached out despite him being distant over the last few days and have got nothing in return.

 

I agree.

Maybe you should just give it a rest for now. Wait until he answers back.