I think he is pulling away and I'm not sure how to address it

[sphynx]

Hi everybody, I am looking for some advice mainly from men, but if there are women on here who have been through the same, you are also welcome to chime in

I should start by saying that I am looking for literal advice as to what to do/how to behave in this situation, and if there are any concrete actions I should take. I do realize it might be in my best interest to call it quits and move on, and eventually I will do just that, but not yet. I still want to try to figure out where I am and if I can save what is.

 

 

Long story short, I've been in a relationship with my guy for almost a year now, friends for much longer. We are not young (so the idea of one of us changing or "growing up" does not apply), and he has been the non-committal type all his life. He has had long-ish relationships (years) but since his end goal has never been marriage/family/moving in together, they eventually fizzled out or turned into FWB situations with those who decided to stay. I am also not looking for those things, so we match in that way.

 

 

At the beginning, he put some effort into "getting" me. He started out by calling me once a week, that turned into every 3-4 days, then daily. Unfortunately I guess he got bored quickly of the daily routine, especially when he started also texting me in the morning daily (then calling at night). Things started going downhill from there, because now that I was expecting the daily calls, I'd question him on the days he didn't, and he can't stand being questioned. I admit, I have some insecurity jealousy issues myself, some from my past and some caused by lies I had caught him in and his iffy behavior sometimes. He has a pretty colorful past, I should add.

 

 

Anyway, he broke up with me, then we got back together, and this happened 3 times already. Our breakups were short (longest was 3 weeks), but it was always me who tried to bring us back together. Except for last time, when he actually apologized, but then again I suspect he broke up with me on purpose to avoid Valentine's day.

 

 

I have suspicions that he is seeing someone else, and that this person has been in the picture all along, but there is no way to find out for sure.

 

 

After the last breakup, communication is less than ever. There is no reason for that, as he is between jobs right now so it's not like he's too busy to text. However he's still good when we do spend time together, he still makes plans for us to do going forward.

 

 

I tried talking to him about this, he says I am too paranoid and insecure and nothing has changed (when clearly everything has!). I asked him if there is someone else - he says no. I asked him if he still wants this relationship - he says he wouldn't be talking to me if he didn't. Basically I can't get anything out of him. I can't complain about the lack of communication because he'll say I'm too needy.

 

 

Up until the last fight I used to ask him to hang out once during the week, and he always said yes. But it's been a while since he asked me himself to hang out during the week!

 

 

So I decided to back off completely. I will not ask him to hang out (which will mean I will see him who knows how rarely), I will not question the lack of contact, and I will give myself a certain period of time I will be doing this for (2-3 weeks). If nothing changes, I will just let things fade away.

 

 

But is there anything else I can do? Is my plan reasonable? I don't want to lose him and I don't know what could have possibly changed so much, we have been getting along great and we have so much in common, sex is great... other than my occasional insecurity, which I think it should be understandable (not to him though!), the only reason for this change would be another woman. And yes, he's been known to cheat.

 

 

Any ideas, tricks, recommendations, as to how to re-ignite things with him and have him pursue me again? Something that doesn't involve sitting him down and talking, as not only does he hate this type of conversations, but I already know it wouldn't accomplish anything as he seems to respond to actions not words.

Edited February 20, 2018 by sphynx

[Gaeta]

When someone wants to leave your life, let them.

 

Your story is series of break-ups, he is who he is. His pattern is to turn his gf into fwb and getting bored, he is being faithful to whom he is.

[Gaeta]

I must ask, as a grown woman of a certain age, why do you put up with that at all? Is it the fear of being alone or the fear to not find someone else?

[sphynx]

I must ask, as a grown woman of a certain age, why do you put up with that at all? Is it the fear of being alone or the fear to not find someone else?

 

 

 

Mainly because much like him, I am not looking for another marriage or to move in with someone, I really enjoy my life as it is, and I haven't been interested in other guys (even as FWB) in years. This guy and I have great times together, like most of the same things, think the same way, so I prefer him to a guy I like less but might be more expressive/attentive.

Now if I had a serious relationship in mind, I would have ended it with him a long time ago, no question about that.

[Zahara]

Any ideas, tricks, recommendations, as to how to re-ignite things with him and have him pursue me again? Something that doesn't involve sitting him down and talking, as not only does he hate this type of conversations, but I already know it wouldn't accomplish anything as he seems to respond to actions not words.

 

That is likely never going to happen. Someone who's been known to cheat and lie doesn't have much lasting power when it comes to just staying focused on one person. At some point their interest will wane and they will look elsewhere for their next high.

 

Maybe you can suggest an FWB arrangement with him and he may likely swing your way for sex and fun because it comes with zero expectations and it will be more on his terms. He manages down your expectations because he does not want to cultivate any sort of emotional attachment to you. So meet when you meet, you don't grill him with questions, keep it light and non-committal.

 

You both have broken up 3 times in a year. I don't think it is going to get any better.

Edited February 20, 2018 by Zahara

[kendahke]

he has been the non-committal type all his life.

He has had long-ish relationships (years) but since his end goal has never been marriage/family/moving in together, they eventually fizzled out or turned into FWB situations with those who decided to stay.

I'd question him on the days he didn't, and he can't stand being questioned.

...some caused by lies I had caught him in and his iffy behavior

he broke up with me

this happened 3 times already.

it was always me who tried to bring us back together.

 

I think you're long past the point where fearing losing him does any good--he's gone. In fact, he was never fully invested going by what you're saying in your post.

 

You're in a FWB--that's why he's not tolerating you checking him as if you were his girlfriend. The others probably held on just like you are, hoping they could find a magic pill recipe to cook up and give him to turn him into someone he's showing you all he's got absolutely no interest in being.

 

I don't think there is anything you can do to reignite a spark in him, especially when you know exactly who/what you're dealing with in him.

 

Men can never be renovation projects. He's not a fixer upper--he is set in his ways and his ways are to not let any woman get that kind of a foothold on him to the point where he has to account to her for anything.

 

I'd also keep my expectations in check. Expectations are future resentments under construction.

Edited February 20, 2018 by kendahke

[Maggie4]

Now if I had a serious relationship in mind, I would have ended it with him a long time ago, no question about that.

 

But you behave very much like one who wants a serious relationship. And I think he would agree with me, especially when you want to have these talks. Do you not see how you're coming across?

[Millie the Cat]

I think the only thing you can do is not contact him, and let him do all the contacting, sort of like your plan. Focus on other friends, even seeing other guys. you have to turn into something he "chases" and you are the "prize."

[Versacehottie]

Hi everybody, I am looking for some advice mainly from men, but if there are women on here who have been through the same, you are also welcome to chime in

I should start by saying that I am looking for literal advice as to what to do/how to behave in this situation, and if there are any concrete actions I should take. I do realize it might be in my best interest to call it quits and move on, and eventually I will do just that, but not yet. I still want to try to figure out where I am and if I can save what is.

 

 

Long story short, I've been in a relationship with my guy for almost a year now, friends for much longer. We are not young (so the idea of one of us changing or "growing up" does not apply), and he has been the non-committal type all his life. He has had long-ish relationships (years) but since his end goal has never been marriage/family/moving in together, they eventually fizzled out or turned into FWB situations with those who decided to stay. I am also not looking for those things, so we match in that way.

 

 

At the beginning, he put some effort into "getting" me. He started out by calling me once a week, that turned into every 3-4 days, then daily. Unfortunately I guess he got bored quickly of the daily routine, especially when he started also texting me in the morning daily (then calling at night). Things started going downhill from there, because now that I was expecting the daily calls, I'd question him on the days he didn't, and he can't stand being questioned. I admit, I have some insecurity jealousy issues myself, some from my past and some caused by lies I had caught him in and his iffy behavior sometimes. He has a pretty colorful past, I should add.

 

 

Anyway, he broke up with me, then we got back together, and this happened 3 times already. Our breakups were short (longest was 3 weeks), but it was always me who tried to bring us back together. Except for last time, when he actually apologized, but then again I suspect he broke up with me on purpose to avoid Valentine's day.

 

 

I have suspicions that he is seeing someone else, and that this person has been in the picture all along, but there is no way to find out for sure.

 

 

After the last breakup, communication is less than ever. There is no reason for that, as he is between jobs right now so it's not like he's too busy to text. However he's still good when we do spend time together, he still makes plans for us to do going forward.

 

 

I tried talking to him about this, he says I am too paranoid and insecure and nothing has changed (when clearly everything has!). I asked him if there is someone else - he says no. I asked him if he still wants this relationship - he says he wouldn't be talking to me if he didn't. Basically I can't get anything out of him. I can't complain about the lack of communication because he'll say I'm too needy.

 

 

Up until the last fight I used to ask him to hang out once during the week, and he always said yes. But it's been a while since he asked me himself to hang out during the week!

 

 

So I decided to back off completely. I will not ask him to hang out (which will mean I will see him who knows how rarely), I will not question the lack of contact, and I will give myself a certain period of time I will be doing this for (2-3 weeks). If nothing changes, I will just let things fade away.

 

But is there anything else I can do? Is my plan reasonable? I don't want to lose him and I don't know what could have possibly changed so much, we have been getting along great and we have so much in common, sex is great... other than my occasional insecurity, which I think it should be understandable (not to him though!), the only reason for this change would be another woman. And yes, he's been known to cheat.

 

 

Any ideas, tricks, recommendations, as to how to re-ignite things with him and have him pursue me again? Something that doesn't involve sitting him down and talking, as not only does he hate this type of conversations, but I already know it wouldn't accomplish anything as he seems to respond to actions not words.

 

Um, I don't know a woman who hasn't been in a relationship where they feel a guy is pulling away. haha. Maybe it's just their nature. I say it jokingly but I think it might be true.

 

Anyway, before people reply like crazy, I don't know that we can equate your guy "pulling away" with other BOYFRIENDS pulling away. Your guy is not acting like a boyfriend and I second Maggie who said you are acting as if you want something committal out of him by your actions in spite of what you and he discuss and you have allowed.

 

Bolded in your post. 100% yes this is what you should do. How do you truly gauge someone's level of interest if you are doing all the work??? It seems like he does little more than acquiesce to your requests. Blech! No!

 

I hear you when it sounds like you are saying you want the concrete tactics to "manage" this and get some traction from him or the relationship. I don't think that is a bad thing to do (for your growth) but honestly things are probably too far gone with this particular guy and you may need your learning lesson on someone else. I honestly don't believe he is going to change based on what you wrote.

 

Two things:

 

•your biggest downfall and part of the reason he treats you like he does is because of your FEAR of losing him. You can't be afraid to "lose" him or that you won't find anything better. Adopt that attitude even if it is your last few weeks of dealing with him. But be careful, if it starts to "work" you will get some momentary reaction of him pushing back in. Anyway, take this attitude into your next one. I have no idea how old you are but my friend's great grandma has TWO boyfriends in her rest home!!! It's really never too late. So stop selling yourself short.

 

•And about selling yourself short. Again, a major problem. You are fooling yourself if you don't think that lowering your standards, being insecure with a particular guy and holding on for dear life isn't a vicious cycle in with you end up doing more of the same. Your options go down because of what you are projecting and your confidence keeps getting dinged. On that alone, you should break up with him and change your personal dynamic.

 

I know you want the concrete solution so here it is: don't do a shred of the work and see what he does. You will have your answer about how important you are in his life. My guess he will momentarily do something after a few weeks or days of you doing nothing and then revert to his old behaviors. He sounds selfish and life is too short. Good luck

[Mkn1010]

Only read up to the part about how you caught him lies as, for me, that's more than enough reason to move on.

[Millie the Cat]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think it's time to pull the Band-Aid and let this guy go. He is only causing you pain.

[ExpatInItaly]

No, your plan is not reasonable.

 

Why? He's not interested in you anymore, so your plan is moot. You should not need to rely on "tricks" or strategies to re-ignite things. When you're doing that, you're going after the wrong person. You might not want marriage, but you certainly want more with him than he's offering you.

 

He is non-committal, and you are no exception to his pattern. The difference here is you keep trying to beat the horse long after it died. It's time for you to take the hint and stop chasing an uninterested man.

[act00]

If you want to keep him around, you'll have to accept whatever he has to offer on his terms. It could be days or weeks between contact. He pops in for a couple dates/sex before he drops off the planet again. May as well if you're looking to get a little frisky and have some dinner, movie, have some time time together. You suspect there's another woman. You'll have to deal with this too - sleeping around and the risk involved with that. He ramped up his game by contacting you a lot, then stopped. Your reaction was normal, "What's going on?" but clearly it caused him to back off more. You understood how he was before going into this, and he hasn't changed and probably never will. He gets bored and he moves on.

 

I think just dropping the rope is all you can do. No expectations, and don't do all the work trying to wrangle some time out of him. He might call. He might not. He's not worth the anxiety. If you want to settle for a once in awhile guy, that's fine, but you can't be attached. It's probably better to move on. Date other people.

[sphynx]

But you behave very much like one who wants a serious relationship. And I think he would agree with me, especially when you want to have these talks. Do you not see how you're coming across?

 

What I would have liked ideally was a serious relationship minus the end goal, if that makes any sense. For both of us to stay together without bringing other people into the equation and be exclusive (due to the risk of STDs). But this seems impossible with him, because I don't think he can stay with only one woman, he gets restless. This is just my observation so far, he didn't tell me himself, but I am starting to believe he likes to have a few women waiting around and when he gets bored with one, he jumps to the next, and so on and so forth. Again, this is just something I am starting to wonder about and suspect.

[sphynx]

I think the only thing you can do is not contact him, and let him do all the contacting, sort of like your plan. Focus on other friends, even seeing other guys. you have to turn into something he "chases" and you are the "prize."

 

This is my last resort, as I don't know what else to do. Hanging out with him knowing it was my idea isn't all that much fun anymore. I deserve someone who can't wait to see me, just like everyone else.

[sphynx]

No, your plan is not reasonable.

 

Why? He's not interested in you anymore, so your plan is moot. You should not need to rely on "tricks" or strategies to re-ignite things. When you're doing that, you're going after the wrong person. You might not want marriage, but you certainly want more with him than he's offering you.

 

He is non-committal, and you are no exception to his pattern. The difference here is you keep trying to beat the horse long after it died. It's time for you to take the hint and stop chasing an uninterested man.

 

This is what I was afraid of. At this point, I am starting to feel like the horse has been dead for a while now. But then, why is he not just saying so? Why pretend to still care, and call me clingy and insecure when I bring up the change in him, and say I am imagining things?

[Zahara]

This is what I was afraid of. At this point, I am starting to feel like the horse has been dead for a while now. But then, why is he not just saying so? Why pretend to still care, and call me clingy and insecure when I bring up the change in him, and say I am imagining things?

 

At this point, I am starting to feel like the horse has been dead for a while now. But then, why is he not just saying so? --

He's not going to let go of a benefit -- why give up easy and available sex and fun when it requires zero commitment and effort on his part? He's not going to say anything that is going to sabotage a good thing for him.

 

Why pretend to still care, and call me clingy and insecure when I bring up the change in him, and say I am imagining things?

He pretends to still care and dismiss your concerns because it keeps you where he wants you -- clinging on to him. He's not going to be honest and straightforward with you because that would mean losing you. Why would he want to do that to himself?

[anika99]

You have caught him in lies, you think he has been involved with another woman, and he has dumped you 3 times in the course of a single year and you want to be with this guy why exactly?

 

Just because you don't want to get married or have a live in relationship doesn't mean you have to be a doormat. Why be so needy for a man that you will accept being treated poorly? I'd rather enjoy my own company instead of being treated like crap. I dated a guy once who broke up with me unexpectedly 5 months into our relationship. I was hurt but I let him walk. One week later he came back saying he made a mistake. Seven months later he broke up with me again. By then I was even more invested and more hurt but I still let him go. Six weeks later he tried to come back again but I told him to shove off. I forgave the first break up as early relationship jitters but second break up was the writing on the wall to me.

 

You have let this guy turn dumping you into a habit. Gather up your self respect and end this now. Not as some ploy to reignite his interest but as a way to free yourself up for better things.

[sphynx]

At this point, I am starting to feel like the horse has been dead for a while now. But then, why is he not just saying so? --

He's not going to let go of a benefit -- why give up easy and available sex and fun when it requires zero commitment and effort on his part? He's not going to say anything that is going to sabotage a good thing for him.

 

Why pretend to still care, and call me clingy and insecure when I bring up the change in him, and say I am imagining things?

He pretends to still care and dismiss your concerns because it keeps you where he wants you -- clinging on to him. He's not going to be honest and straightforward with you because that would mean losing you. Why would he want to do that to himself?

 

 

 

True, he's got nothing to gain by losing me. But what he fails to realize is that his attitude will get me going soon enough. But then again, he probably won't care, there will always be someone else ready to fill in my shoes.

[Zahara]

True, he's got nothing to gain by losing me. But what he fails to realize is that his attitude will get me going soon enough. But then again, he probably won't care, there will always be someone else ready to fill in my shoes.

 

He has other women to fulfill his needs so no, it wouldn't be a loss to him. He may try and rope you back in if you leave but it will only be because he's lost control over you.

[sphynx]

You have caught him in lies, you think he has been involved with another woman, and he has dumped you 3 times in the course of a single year and you want to be with this guy why exactly?

 

Just because you don't want to get married or have a live in relationship doesn't mean you have to be a doormat. Why be so needy for a man that you will accept being treated poorly? I'd rather enjoy my own company instead of being treated like crap. I dated a guy once who broke up with me unexpectedly 5 months into our relationship. I was hurt but I let him walk. One week later he came back saying he made a mistake. Seven months later he broke up with me again. By then I was even more invested and more hurt but I still let him go. Six weeks later he tried to come back again but I told him to shove off. I forgave the first break up as early relationship jitters but second break up was the writing on the wall to me.

 

You have let this guy turn dumping you into a habit. Gather up your self respect and end this now. Not as some ploy to reignite his interest but as a way to free yourself up for better things.

 

 

 

I am very close to that point where I say "eff it" and be done (and not in an attempt to keep him). My feelings have been steadily fading, as expected. I think this is the first time I am actually feeling more detached from him and the outcome, so sitting back and observing what happens, without putting any more effort into things, is my first step towards ending it. I wish I could reignite the passion, of course, but it doesn't seem like it's going to happen. So, I will look at him as someone I will interact with when I'm in the mood (be it sex, dinner, a walk, whatever) and I will keep my own options open.

[Maggie4]

If you ignore him, he may chase you, but you have to continue running away, or else he'll stop and go back to his ways. So you gotta ask yourself, what do you then have when you need to keep ignoring him to keep him interested.

[Versacehottie]

This is what I was afraid of. At this point, I am starting to feel like the horse has been dead for a while now. But then, why is he not just saying so? Why pretend to still care, and call me clingy and insecure when I bring up the change in him, and say I am imagining things?

 

My thought is that a guy who dates several women is looking for personal VALIDATION and an EGO boost and NOT a relationship or a girlfriend or even a woman to date really. In other words, it's not about you, it never was. The irony is really guys like this actually have lowish self-esteem cloaked in bravado of their ability to juggle more than one woman or if they only have one, the fact that she pines for him. So why WOULD he say so or cut you off? He is getting his needs served: the validation, the ego boost. You are processing this really only from a perspective of: does he want me as his gf or not and if not, why doesn't he cut me off? If his criteria are different, which I think they are, then his assessments are different. He is processing what happens by hits of attention and validation from you, which he is still getting. That helps him believe his own story that he is irresistible and therefore worthy, when he probably knows in some way deep down that he is not. But he's definitely not using the same criteria as you for his decision making.

 

He calls you clingy and insecure but in some ways you are. You are changing the terms of the deal as he sees it and wants it to be. When you near the level where the bad is outweighing the good (too much nagging and talking) then you get those comments. Typically I think guys will put up with a lot more in the way of little day to day annoyances without saying too much so as not to have more conflict. But just because they don't walk away from the relationship doesn't mean they are still "in it". This guy is not in it, IMO.

[Versacehottie]

You have caught him in lies, you think he has been involved with another woman, and he has dumped you 3 times in the course of a single year and you want to be with this guy why exactly?

 

Just because you don't want to get married or have a live in relationship doesn't mean you have to be a doormat. Why be so needy for a man that you will accept being treated poorly? I'd rather enjoy my own company instead of being treated like crap. I dated a guy once who broke up with me unexpectedly 5 months into our relationship. I was hurt but I let him walk. One week later he came back saying he made a mistake. Seven months later he broke up with me again. By then I was even more invested and more hurt but I still let him go. Six weeks later he tried to come back again but I told him to shove off. I forgave the first break up as early relationship jitters but second break up was the writing on the wall to me.

 

You have let this guy turn dumping you into a habit. Gather up your self respect and end this now. Not as some ploy to reignite his interest but as a way to free yourself up for better things.

 

Um, yes to the bolded.

[Versacehottie]

I am very close to that point where I say "eff it" and be done (and not in an attempt to keep him). My feelings have been steadily fading, as expected. I think this is the first time I am actually feeling more detached from him and the outcome, so sitting back and observing what happens, without putting any more effort into things, is my first step towards ending it. I wish I could reignite the passion, of course, but it doesn't seem like it's going to happen. So, I will look at him as someone I will interact with when I'm in the mood (be it sex, dinner, a walk, whatever) and I will keep my own options open.

 

Well, it's a start of a plan. Here's the thing, when you really don't care, you will find some of the stuff he does laughable--yes, even the romantic stuff. So you should fake it til you make it. Behave like you don't care, until you don't.

 

Personally, i don't think you should let him back into your life when you are "in the mood". That actually perpetuates the problem because when you continue to invest, you want to see it pay off. It's actually the hardest way psychologically to "break away from someone". Plus let's just be real: if you allow space for him in your life, you won't be making it for someone else. There is not a word of your posts here that makes it seem like you don't want a relationship. You just don't want to get married or live with someone--everything else you said, means you deeply want a relationship. You are not getting one with him so you are cheating yourself to continue this. As someone said above, isn't your own life fulfilling enough that this subpar treatment is offensive??? If it isn't offensive and you don't have better things to do, get better things to do; invest in yourself so when you meet a good guy, you will know what to do.