I Just Got Blown Off

[Eljay]

I'm usually a guy who is quite easy going with women, and has been with many in the past.

The thing is that I'm pretty cool with most women unless I'm really into her which probably most people can relate to.

 

Anyway, I go to the gym 3 times a week. I usually train in HIIT groups, go to the same classes and most people in my classes are women. I always chat with them and everything is casual. I'm mostly interested in training and not in the women when I go to the gym. I just enjoy goofing around with them for a laugh.

 

In December I immediately noticed one girl I've never seen before. I was immediately attracted big time. The next class I asked her if she's new and noticed her accent. It turns out she is only here for a couple of months. She's Italian and normally works in tourism in Italy. Anyway, from that day on we were always chatting and she eventually went to all the classes I go to on the same days.

After class we'd still end up chatting and laughing for up to an hour. I noticed that she would always look straight into my eyes, laugh at my most idiotic jokes and everything would seem like she's also into me.

I still never had the guts to ask her out because I was TOO into her and always chickened out for the fear of rejection and things getting weird after that.

 

Last week she was kind of sick with a cold but still came to the gym. Since she is leaving to Italy on Thursday, this Wednesday will be the last time she'll come to the gym. After chatting with her for about half an hour after class today, I asked her what she is up to tomorrow and if she'd like to meet up for a farewell coffee.

 

She then started making excuses like she wasn't sure if she had time, and she doesn't have her cell-phone on her and we'd see each other Wednesday. I said, no problem, and kept my cool.

Obviously I was devasted.

 

Did I REALLY mis-read all the signals? Would a woman who isn't interested at all spend so much time with you? I'm confused.

Edited February 19, 2018 by Eljay

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It's more likely that she doesn't want to get involved with someone, or even give the impression that she wants to, when she's going to be leaving the country....permanently? She probably also really does have a lot to do before she leaves. It's also possible she just liked the flirting but has a boyfriend or husband back home.

 

I don't think you should take this personally. OK to be disappointed, but I don't think you were flat-out rejected.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

This isn't about misreading signals, it's about practicality. She is leaving soon so there is no point in encouraging anything more with you.

 

I understand you're disappointed, but try and look at it realistically. Unless someone is keen to start a long distance relationship with someone they barely know, it just isn't going to happen.

 

She probably thought you were a cute guy, but nothing more than that. Try not to take it as a personal rejection, she is just being sensible.

[Cookiesandough]

Yeah, I’m sorry I see nothing but friendliness here. I think men get confused when women are nice to them. Either they’re not used to it or they assume since they are not really friendly with women they don’t want to have sex with women must be the same. She’s not interested I’m afraid

[Eljay]

Actually I even re-call her mentioning a boyfriend on our very first conversation but after that she never mentioned him again. That was actually one reason I hesitated to ask her out.

Last week I had the impression that she almost mentioned that boyfriend because she said she went into town that day to buy presents for her...(she hestitated and then and said)....ehh...for friends.

 

 

The thing is if she only was being friendly, why would she go to every class I go to and never miss a class? Why would she exclusively hang out with me after each class for two months? Why would I always catch her staring at me during class?

 

If she has a boyfriend or wasn't that interested, wouldn't she mention her boyfriend, or back off a little?

 

Like I said, I've dated many women and the ones who were interested, showed less interest. I'm usually the guy a woman has to really hit on the head, to make me notice they're interested. Even other female friends told me that I'm really thick at noticing when a woman is interested.

 

I mean, I will give it a rest and not try to go after her anymore. I just don't believe she wasn't interested. I'm just seriously puzzled and trying to wrap my mind around it.

Edited February 19, 2018 by Eljay

[mortensorchid]

I think she may have been somewhat interested but she is going to be leaving soon for other geography and didn't want to get involved with someone or lead them onto something else. I wouldn't take it too personally, she's probably just doing what she thinks is right which would not to start something that will disappoint both you and her with not being able to get off the ground. Just move on.

[smackie9]

You misread her....she enjoyed your company, not in a romantic way. Your attraction to her got the better of you. Just because a woman is friendly doesn't mean she wants you. She made herself clear she had a BF. You ignored that, so this is on you. She turned you down because it's not appropriate since she does have a BF.

 

I have gone though this myself several times, and it's frustrating on our side too. What we can't enjoy a fun conversation without the guy thinking we want to sleep with him? We have to just keep looking at the ground and turn away?

[Highndry]

I think people are reading too much into it. She's leaving the country and not coming back. It makes zero sense to develop feelings for or enter into a relationship with somebody who's in a completely different country.

[Eljay]

She made herself clear she had a BF. You ignored that, so this is on you.

 

Actually she mentioned a boyfriend on our vey first casual conversation before we knew each other and before we started hanging out. I didn't ignore that. She just never happened to mention a boyfriend ever again IN TWO MONTHS of hanging out 3 days a week, talking for hours and hours.

She was the one who started going to all the classes I go to, not the other way around.

 

What we can't enjoy a fun conversation without the guy thinking we want to sleep with him?

So talking for ages after each class, is just a fun conversation? Wouldn't everyone think the other person is interested? On top of that I never asked her out once, until today. I also just mentioned a goodbye coffee. That doesn't sound like a guy who wants sex. A guy asking her out after one nice converstaion is a different story.

 

My point is(and this is what puzzles me), wouldn't a person who isn't interested send out signals that there not interested?

[lovecanbeharsh]

I don't understand why you kept pursuing if you knew she has had a boyfriend. Would you knock her over knowing that? I don't think you would feel too good about yourself or her for that matter if that were the case.

 

I think you misread the signals she was giving off and that's okay. Humans tend to overanalyze everything when most things have no meaning whatsoever.

 

She probably loved your company as she felt alone in a foreign country? She didn't want to lead you on which is why she most likely declined your invitation.

 

Her heart was most likely not in the right place and you just need to respect that.

 

Best of luck!

[Maggie4]

Let's suppose there is a super hot guy I want to be with, and all this time he never made a move, then the day before I leave on an international flight, the day when I'll have a million things to do, he wants to have coffee?! I'd say no sir. A great sacrifice on my part and for what?

[Eljay]

I don't understand why you kept pursuing if you knew she has had a boyfriend.

 

In which way was I keeping on pursuing her? Did you even read anything that i wrote?

[SevenCity]

This isn't about misreading signals' date=' [b']it's about practicality. [/b] She is leaving soon so there is no point in encouraging anything more with you.

 

I understand you're disappointed, but try and look at it realistically. Unless someone is keen to start a long distance relationship with someone they barely know, it just isn't going to happen.

 

She probably thought you were a cute guy, but nothing more than that. Try not to take it as a personal rejection, she is just being sensible.

 

Yes, because women always are reasonable and practical when it comes to attraction

 

My thought is she was interested initially and considered cheating on her bf but you came across as too beta by not acting on it and she got turned off.

 

Better off. You won't have anything good with a chick who is a cheater - unless you're just looking for sex.

[Eljay]

Let's suppose there is a super hot guy I want to be with, and all this time he never made a move, then the day before I leave on an international flight, the day when I'll have a million things to do, he wants to have coffee?! I'd say no sir. A great sacrifice on my part and for what?

 

My thought is she was interested initially and considered cheating on her bf but you came across as too beta by not acting on it and she got turned off.

 

 

Good points. I can imagine that I messed things up by not having asked her out sooner. She told me quite at the beginning that in Italy guys are way more forward and would immediately ask a girl out.

[SevenCity]

Good points. I can imagine that I messed things up by not having asked her out sooner. She told me quite at the beginning that in Italy guys are way more forward and would immediately ask a girl out.

 

Yea but she had a bf and lives in another country. Where could it have gone?

[Eljay]

Yea but she had a bf and lives in another country. Where could it have gone?

 

The thing is that her sister lives here permantly. She already told me that she's coming back for 2 months in November so I'll probably see her again then. Also, I live in Europe so she doesn't live that far. It's kinda like if I lived in New York(where I'm originally from) and she would live in Virginia.

Also, I vaguely recall her having a bf in our very first conversation. Maybe I misunderstood her, considering that she never mentioned a bf again...EVER!

 

Oh, well, the ship has sailed anyway....

 

I'm kind of dreading going to the gym on Wednesday.

Edited February 20, 2018 by Eljay
typo

[Versacehottie]

It's more likely that she doesn't want to get involved with someone, or even give the impression that she wants to, when she's going to be leaving the country....permanently? She probably also really does have a lot to do before she leaves. It's also possible she just liked the flirting but has a boyfriend or husband back home.

 

I don't think you should take this personally. OK to be disappointed, but I don't think you were flat-out rejected.

 

I was going to say she probably has a boyfriend back in Italy. If you've ever spent a significant amount of time there, you'd know. But I don't think you misread the signals. I think you should exchange emails, IG or phone numbers. You never know what the future holds. And if she was here, she could come back. Or you could meet up if you were traveling. I know couples that are together now, simply because they were ok with staying in touch--even when the timing wasn't right initially. good luck

[phineas]

Asking a foreigner to hang the day before they go back to their home country when you have never hung out before.....she probably thought you were looking for some no-strings sex.

 

because honestly, what else was there at this point?

[basil67]

It's kinda like if I lived in New York(where I'm originally from) and she would live in Virginia.

 

Even if she was single, there's no reason to expect she'd do that kind of distance either. Long distance is not for everyone.

[Sara1989]

Let's suppose there is a super hot guy I want to be with, and all this time he never made a move, then the day before I leave on an international flight, the day when I'll have a million things to do, he wants to have coffee?! I'd say no sir. A great sacrifice on my part and for what?

 

THIS!

 

You have blown it. No way now is she going go for coffee the last week before she goes back to her home country...come on dude.

 

Be more proactive next time. This is not rocket science.

[Eljay]

But I don't think you misread the signals. I think you should exchange emails, IG or phone numbers. You never know what the future holds. And if she was here, she could come back. Or you could meet up if you were traveling.

 

Actually that was my whole intention to meet up for a last "farewell" coffee. I thought we'd just have a chat and a laugh, and exhange emails etc.

There was a moment last Friday when we chatted after class, when I told her that I'm kind of bummed out that she's leaving. She said, she feels kind of sad too.

 

Since she blew me off though, I won't bother anymore. I'll wish her well and that's it.

[act00]

You totally forgot she had a boyfriend, one reason she didn't want to accept a one-on-one "date" type of thing. It's one thing to chat after class, another thing entirely to meet outside of the gym.

 

You asked her about 2-3 days before it was time for her to leave, and surely she had things planned, like organizing, packing, and spending a little more time with her sister and family.

 

The fact she went to every class you went to does not mean interest, but that the time worked for her. Perhaps part of her motivation to go regularly had to do with the little spark she had going and a friendly face in a foreign area.

 

I don't doubt there was attraction, but she has a boyfriend and she's leaving. Even without the BF, sparking up a relationship when in the area temporarily might not happen. Definitely don't take this personally. It seems there was a little something going between you two, but it's not meant to be.

[basil67]

Boyfriends and everything else aside, did you consider that she may have had other plans already? You can't expect someone to be available at the drop of a hat.

[Eljay]

You totally forgot she had a boyfriend, one reason she didn't want to accept a one-on-one "date" type of thing. It's one thing to chat after class, another thing entirely to meet outside of the gym.

 

 

I'm not even sure if I understood her right about the boyfriend part at that very first conversation like in mid-December. Like I've repeated several times, she never ever mentioned a bf in more than 2 months EVER AGAIN? If there's no interest, why wouldn't she?

[Eljay]

Boyfriends and everything else aside, did you consider that she may have had other plans already? You can't expect someone to be available at the drop of a hat.

 

Well, it's not like I said, hey, how about a date tomorrow. I asked her what her plans are for her remaining days before she leaves. She told me not much because she has everything packed already. She might go into town to buy some presents and not do much.

I then said if she does go into town, maybe we can meet up for a last farewell coffee. That's when she said she can't really say what she's up to, she doesn't have her cell phone on her etc etc.

I was like, it's ok, never mind.

Edited February 20, 2018 by Eljay