Dating someone who has been divorced

[ktmiller222]

So I went out with a guy I met online the other night. We met for a few drinks and had great conversations and laughed a lot. He was a total gentleman (paid for everything, helped me with my jacket, held doors opened, walked me to my car). It was seriously the best first date I've been on (especially since the a-hole I last dated). He also gave me a kiss on the lips at the end of the night!

I found out that he got a divorced only 4 months ago (he did not tell me-I found out through a friend who happens to know him. The wife apparently divorced him). Although I understand why people wouldn't want to discuss it right away, I am just wondering if he really wants to get into a relationship anytime soon. I am not rushing but I am looking to get into a relationship with someone sooner then later. What are your thoughts? What do guys usually look for soon after a divorce? Random hookups? An actual relationship?

At the end of the date, he said he wants to go out with me again. It's been 3 days. He has texted me but hasn't set anything up yet.

Edited February 19, 2018 by ktmiller222

[Gaeta]

Never date someone freshly out of a relationship, no matter what. Even if this man says he's looking for some serious dating he's lying to himself like many people just out of relationships. This guy is gonna need a few transition girlfriend before he's ready so do yourself a favor and pass.

[lurker74]

I disagree with Gaeta on this one. I try NEVER to use the word never (see what I did there?). Bottom line is that yes, you should discuss it. And there's a better than even chance that he'll have issues that you may have to deal with but everyone's situation is different. He could have been at the tail end of his marriage for 5 years before the divorce was final or he could be extremely well adjusted. Or maybe he's already gotten his oats sowed and he's really into you.

 

And while I've heard more bad things from people right out of divorces than good things, I've also heard several good stories, including at least three semi-close friends that have been married for several years after a quick relationship post divorce.

 

Bottom line is that all people and situations are different and you should approach them in that way.

 

That means TALK ABOUT IT.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Him not talking about his divorce on the date is a huge PLUS in my opinion. Better than him going on and on about it, which would be worse.

 

I don't see any red flags here.

[SevenCity]

I disagree with Gaeta on this one. I try NEVER to use the word never (see what I did there?). Bottom line is that yes, you should discuss it. And there's a better than even chance that he'll have issues that you may have to deal with but everyone's situation is different. He could have been at the tail end of his marriage for 5 years before the divorce was final or he could be extremely well adjusted. Or maybe he's already gotten his oats sowed and he's really into you.

 

And while I've heard more bad things from people right out of divorces than good things, I've also heard several good stories, including at least three semi-close friends that have been married for several years after a quick relationship post divorce.

 

Bottom line is that all people and situations are different and you should approach them in that way.

That means TALK ABOUT IT.

 

The first (and only) girl I dated after my divorce lasted for 7 years. Had she not left me I would have been married to her by now.

 

So yeah, not every guy follows the same pattern.

[mortensorchid]

Divorce is a sticky situation to be sure, but remember these rules (yes, even MORE rules from me) about men who are divorced ...

 

1) Used men are BETTER - They made the commitment, whatever happened happened, then they came out the other side and realized their mistakes. They are going to be better people. Sometimes it takes a trial by fire to do so, and divorce is one of those things that is certainly a trial by fire.

 

2) Rebounding - I think 4 months after the divorce is final is a reasonable amount of time to at least attempt to get back into the game again, it was probably a nightmare as they were breaking up but that's behind him now. Still, avoid the rebound. Know how many people I saw (and have had the pleasure of being with) who were dumped or dumped me, then barely a year later they marry someone else?

 

3) Not mentioning the divorce - You obviously didn't know anything about this guy before you met him, your friend who arranged it didn't mention anything about it? I think they should have just as an FYI. But he didn't mention the divorce while you were together because you didn't think to ask, and he didn't think to tell you. But you know now, and that's fine that you DO know about it. As for what to do? Move forward and see what happens.

[Gaeta]

Looks like I have been used as a band-aid too many times by recently single men that for me it's not worth the risk. The world is full of single men, why pick one that still has the smell of his last marriage on him,

[Art_Critic]

I guess it depends how far he is in the uncoupling process and how long the marriage was as well as how over he was at the time of the divorce..

 

Everybody is different, I waited about 6 months but I threw myself into putting together a new home to make that 6 months go by.

 

I understand why someone would want to wait to date someone fresh out of a divorce.. to me 6-12 months for a long term marriage, there is so much baggage during the fresh time after a divorce to go thru.

 

But again, everybody is different and a lot of it depends on where his head is at...

[LivingWaterPlease]

I guess it depends how far he is in the uncoupling process and how long the marriage was as well as how over he was at the time of the divorce..

 

Everybody is different, I waited about 6 months but I threw myself into putting together a new home to make that 6 months go by.

 

I understand why someone would want to wait to date someone fresh out of a divorce.. to me 6-12 months for a long term marriage, there is so much baggage during the fresh time after a divorce to go thru.

 

But again, everybody is different and a lot of it depends on where his head is at...

 

Agree with several who have posted the above bolded. CO saw not talking about it on the first date as a plus, and I agree to some extent. Still would have wanted him to tell me he was divorced before going out or on the first date, but, as CO said, not make the date into a tell all about his marriage and divorce.

[grays]

Im wondering what it even means that he was divorced 4 months ago. For us it was ages between when I first realized we were in trouble and I asked him to move out of the bedroom and stop touching me and telling me he loved me. Then it was another year and a half before the divorce was final. So if his divorce was final 4 mos ago, he could have basically bedn single for quite a while.

 

If he's great, Id give it a shot.

[carhill]

Looks like I have been used as a band-aid too many times by recently single men that for me it's not worth the risk. The world is full of single men, why pick one that still has the smell of his last marriage on him,

Yes, that tends to mirror what I ran into dating while separated and I didn't really fault the ladies at all. Their experiences with such men were what they were. However, that was in a demographic with a surplus of men and I wasn't a high value male. A woman might be more inclined to take the risk if the male is in demand and a good catch. I've seen that happen many times over the decades. Segregating by value does appear to have some impact.

 

More generally, dating someone who's divorced, in my demographic, after age 22 or so, everyone who was female was divorced. In my two decades of dating after that age until getting married, I never dated someone who wasn't divorced. Most had kids too. Even with all that, they were here and gone in days, at most weeks. Usually they'd be off the market before the divorce was dry. Why? Surplus of men

[Gaeta]

Yes, that tends to mirror what I ran into dating while separated and I didn't really fault the ladies at all. Their experiences with such men were what they were. However, that was in a demographic with a surplus of men and I wasn't a high value male. A woman might be more inclined to take the risk if the male is in demand and a good catch. I've seen that happen many times over the decades. Segregating by value does appear to have some impact.

When I was single I thanked heaven every day to live in a city of 4 millions where men were available left and right.

[Veronica73]

I don’t know, but in general, it seems like men are able to move on much more quickly than women. I’ve heard of so many widowers who move on and commit to new women in a VERY short period of time. Whereas widows seem to wait a lot longer. But this is just personal anecdotal evidence. And maybe divorce is a much different marriage-ending than dying.

[Gaeta]

I don’t know, but in general, it seems like men are able to move on much more quickly than women. I’ve heard of so many widowers who move on and commit to new women in a VERY short period of time. Whereas widows seem to wait a lot longer. But this is just personal anecdotal evidence. And maybe divorce is a much different marriage-ending than dying.

 

You're right and it's supported by statistics. Men remarry or get into new relationships much faster, they are having a much harder time being single, women have more emotional resistance. I am not saying that to put men down, it's just facts. A divorce is extremely hard on most men. Statistic wise again, practically only men with commit suicide after a divorce, rarely women.

[carhill]

Going back to the OP, do you know how long the man was married? His age?

 

What I've noticed over the decades with male friends is that the ones who got married young, like late teens/early 20's, if divorcing (most have at least once) they tended to get remarried quickly. The longer the guys stayed unmarried or single (not in a relationship/living with someone) the longer they would take after endings to be single/unattached. However, the latter sample size is pretty small since most men I know in my age group got married quite young, as was normal for us.

 

My usual advice is, if you enjoy his company, keep showing up until one or both of you decides otherwise.

 

Back when I was dating after my exW filed for D, I didn't talk about my M at all and was asked specifically a few times about marriage. I merely answered that I enjoyed being married even though it didn't work out and hoped maybe someday it would happen again. The women seemed satisfied with that response. That was nearly ten years ago and I'm the anomaly, still single and, nope, no thoughts of suicide. Living alone was normal before being married and is normal after. It's just life. The guy you're dating will have his own stuff. Find out and see if it works for you. Good luck!

[Better]

It really depends on the person and the situation that they were in when they were married.

 

I was married for 12 years and never had children. That was partially because my wife refused to have sex with me, starting on the honeymoon night. When people talk about sexless marriages being once a month, I can counter with once a decade. We went through counseling for most of that decade without any change, so by the time I decided to divorce her I had already made my peace with it. We lived together but in separate bedrooms for years before the divorce.

 

By the time I came out of my marriage I was ready to date. I think we had both been ready for far too long to end it but it took one of us to finally pull the trigger. I had a series of somewhat serious relationships shortly after that but never a true fling. I was looking for something that could potentially be serious. I am now in a current LTR relationship after eight years post-divorce.