Warning signs of a control freak?

[NicoleD]

I've been seeing this guy for the past four months and we have agreed we want a relationship together, however in the last week or so he's started making little (but frequent) critical comments.

 

 

For example, I went to a bar with some friends two weeks ago and maybe drank a little too much (I don't usually drink so can't really hand it I suppose but I had four drinks and got a bit merry - hardly paraletic and vomiting everywhere). I sent a few soppy drunk texts which apparently concerned him because as I was leaving the bar with friends he was there to pick me up. He gave me a bit of a lecture about how much I drank and then told me "you should wash your face when we get home. That lipstick is too bright and you look like you're going to a carnival" hmm.

 

 

I met him for dinner a few days later. When I went to the bathroom, I reapplied lipstick and he said that he has told me time and again that I don't need to apply lipstick since he's happy with how I look without. ( I don't see how it is harming him!)

 

 

After this dinner he went onto a rampage of criticisms for about an hour about recent things I've done that annoyed him.

 

 

1. I met him one night after a dinner party with friends after I made a lamb tagine. He said that it made my hair and my clothes smell and he thinks I should cook less spicy food.

For the record, I don't exactly go around stinking and actually I seldom cook spicy foods, but if I've been standing over a pot of Moroccan spice all day, give me a break.

 

 

2. He said that I'm too ditzy and clumsy and that I should really think more about what I do. He said half of the time I seem in a world of my own and I don't pay so much attention to things around me.

 

 

3. He said I dress strange for casual things. I am quite feminine and so I will always wear a smart skirt, and maybe a sweater with stockings or ankle boots - whether I'm just going to the movies, meeting friends for coffee, etc.

He says that he thinks people stare at me because I wear heeled ankle boots in the day (I'm sure people have FAR more important things to worry about than my damn footwear!). He's also said on several occasions "just wear jeans" but it's not really my style.

 

 

It's strange because all of this came on suddenly. For weeks he was so sweet and nice and seemed infatuated with me. Now suddenly it's like I can't do anything right. To me it's rude to make some of these comments, like the hair thing - I'd understand if I was constantly making curry and I stank! Or if I didn't wash my hair! But to make a big fuss about one time I cooked something and it made my hair smell. That's so obscure to me.

 

 

I didn't really enjoy our last date. We pretty much had no discussion aside from all of his criticisms of me.

It paints me as a really slovenly person and I'm not that way at all. If I irritate him so much, there is really no obligation to be in a relationship with me!

 

 

As I was saying goodbye to him he said "Did you meet any other guys recently? If you want to see other people you can just tell me" which was also odd since I've been spending so much of my time with him. I don't know where he thinks I'd find the time to see anyone else!

[Gaeta]

Yes he's a control freak, he's also verbally abusive and you've only seen the tip of the iceberg. He is trying to kill all confidence you may have into yourself to better control and abuse you. Please break up with this freak right now.

[smackie9]

He's an abusive jerk is what he is. I tell you this, if you stay eventually he will stop you from seeing your friends, micro manage your whereabouts, fights will get more heated and then physical. GET OUT NOW!

[ChatroomHero]

Seems pretty controlling.

 

 

Friends that I have that are definitely controlling seem to put on a good front until things are somewhat serious. Eventually they feel comfortable enough to criticize and usually have no issue doing it in front of other people.

[preraph]

He's controlling and abusive. He's not your father. Sex is going to die pretty quick once you start thinking of him as your dad. Don't go further with him. I just have never seen a good end to any friends of mine who were with controlling men. They're a nightmare that only gets worse.

[act00]

The guy sounds controlling and abusive. He's even now setting up the stage to get angry with you that you're cheating or men look at you, all trampy with your footwear and all, after criticizing your clothing and makeup. The fact he showed up at the bar to pick you up without you asking for a ride really gets my hackles up...total red flag for me.

 

Either that, or he's being exceptionally d*-ish in hopes you'll dump him. Less likely.

 

You agreed that you want a relationship together, so now he'd letting loose on his true self and taking you on as his property he can control. He doesn't have to woo you anymore or be on his best behavior.

 

This guy has to go. Pronto.

[smackie9]

The more I think about this.....RUN FOREST RUN!

 

I have been in a abusive relationship and darling you can't fix them or get things back to the way they were. The cycle will continue and escalate.

 

When you break up with him, do it over the phone, then block delete and don't answer the door. This type of guy is unpredictable, so keep an eye out. He might end up stalking you. If you do it in person, make sure you have someone with you and you do it in a public place.

[Gaeta]

What is worrisome is that you have accepted (overlooked) several of these incidents by now. By not strongly addressing the very first incident of control you are giving him a green light to keep on doing it. That is why in your story you have 4 incidents or more to report. This man will never back track, he is preparing you for a full blown abusive relationship.

 

I also agree with smackie that you need to break up with him via phone and to watch your back.

[lurker74]

I'm wondering why you're even posting this..I mean, clearly you need to drop the guy. Control freak? Worse than that. A control freak can be kind of nice at times because you don't have to pick the restaurant. What he is setting you up for is abuse.

 

I could see joking about the carnival make up but it would be clear that it was a joke. Any anytime a person you're dating goes on a "rampage" is is time to get rid of him.

[winny]

Dump him!!! This guy will get inside your head slowly and will leave you a mess if you don't take immediate steps.

[d0nnivain]

This man doesn't even like you. Why are you two together?

 

My husband has on occasion told me a certain shade of lipstick was too bright or unflattering.

 

I like bright colors & wild prints. If it were up to him I'd wear basic black everywhere the way he does. Despite his preference he would never tell me what to wear unless it was a safety issue. I have 3 pairs of snow boots & he told me to wear the big ones the other day because it was so slippery.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS....

 

While I concur with the action words, to break up, I'll offer a different narrative. He's souring the milk because he's met someone else.

"Did you meet any other guys recently? If you want to see other people you can just tell me"

 

Classic projection.

[Gaeta]

"Did you meet any other guys recently? If you want to see other people you can just tell me"

 

Classic projection.

 

With normal men yes, with a controlling and verbally abusive man like him I'd think it's a trap. He wants to hear her say *oh no never there is just you*

[carhill]

Control freaks usually show their spots much earlier than four months of dating and the OP shared that this change occurred in the last week, and markedly.

 

I've been seeing this guy for the past four months and we have agreed we want a relationship together, however in the last week or so he's started making little (but frequent) critical comments.

 

Four months is an eternity for a control freak. OP, at what point did you start having sex with this guy? The classic controllers start in once they get a good oxytocin bond pounded in.

 

Any physical stuff? Or just words?

[Gaeta]

Control freaks usually show their spots much earlier than four months of dating and the OP shared that this change occurred in the last week, and markedly.

 

Four months is an eternity for a control freak. OP, at what point did you start having sex with this guy? The classic controllers start in once they get a good oxytocin bond pounded in.

 

Any physical stuff? Or just words?

 

It started just has they agreed on exclusivity.

[carhill]

Oh, also, is it customary in your culture for men to be overbearing or controlling? Some cultures are very male dominated and female subservient. We're used to more equal treatment here in the US.

[vanhalenfan]

Please, get out now. I am in a relationship now that is very similar to yours - problem is, I have had a child with him and I am trying my darndest to go through therapy with him and try to make it work just for the sake of our child (who is now 3). Hindsight is 20/20. I should have left LONG ago, like months in when it started happening (like with you). Please don't make the same mistake I did. You sound like a lovely person and deserve better!

[ChatroomHero]

It's kind of funny, I just had a discussion with a friend a couple of days ago how I don't understand this. I see women that dote on some guys and stick around and just put up with stuff like this. Guys will tell them what to wear or not wear and be very particular about what they 'allow'. I couldn't imagine ever expecting to tell someone I was dating what to wear or not wear unless she asked my opinion or I was telling her what I liked to see her in. At the very least if something looked bad, I'd tell her but if she liked the way she looked in it, I wouldn't particularly care.

 

 

Any woman I have dated if I had said, "You are wearing too much lipstick" would have probably said, "You have a stupid face so we are even". They definitely wouldn't have put up with me telling them what to do like I was their Dad. I think some women kind of like that, I just don't get it.

[NicoleD]

Oh, also, is it customary in your culture for men to be overbearing or controlling? Some cultures are very male dominated and female subservient. We're used to more equal treatment here in the US.

 

 

 

I'm English but he is Italian. I'm trying to figure if that has something to do with it. This is the first time I've dated outside of my culture but I know the role of women is different. His Mother runs around after him as if he is a small child and not a 30 something man...

[NicoleD]

It's kind of funny, I just had a discussion with a friend a couple of days ago how I don't understand this. I see women that dote on some guys and stick around and just put up with stuff like this. Guys will tell them what to wear or not wear and be very particular about what they 'allow'. I couldn't imagine ever expecting to tell someone I was dating what to wear or not wear unless she asked my opinion or I was telling her what I liked to see her in. At the very least if something looked bad, I'd tell her but if she liked the way she looked in it, I wouldn't particularly care.

 

 

Any woman I have dated if I had said, "You are wearing too much lipstick" would have probably said, "You have a stupid face so we are even". They definitely wouldn't have put up with me telling them what to do like I was their Dad. I think some women kind of like that, I just don't get it.

 

 

I know you're absolutely right. I've always had the same thoughts about people putting up with stuff too.

Ordinarily if a guy spoke to me like that I'd put a stop to it right away. I guess it was the sudden transformation from nice doting bf to someone who suddenly has an issue with everything.

[Gaeta]

I'm English but he is Italian. I'm trying to figure if that has something to do with it. This is the first time I've dated outside of my culture but I know the role of women is different. His Mother runs around after him as if he is a small child and not a 30 something man...

 

Don't go there, don't excuse his abusive ways with you because of his culture. Respect, consideration and integrity has no nationality. He's a man with a poor character that is abusive, end of story.

[NicoleD]

What is worrisome is that you have accepted (overlooked) several of these incidents by now. By not strongly addressing the very first incident of control you are giving him a green light to keep on doing it. That is why in your story you have 4 incidents or more to report. This man will never back track, he is preparing you for a full blown abusive relationship.

 

I also agree with smackie that you need to break up with him via phone and to watch your back.

 

 

I know you're completely right. It was just strange the sudden change from super nice guy that I was introducing to my friends and making future plans with, to someone who criticises everything. I know that people are on their best behaviour in the early stages. Just a shame the way he's turned out I guess.

[Veronica73]

The only thing I read in this thread was your first post, but all I can say is:

 

RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG. RUN RUN RUN. This guy has SERIOUS issues and you need to get away. He is absolutely awful. 100%. Stay the f**k away from him.

 

Yes he is most definitely controlling. And I could see him turning into a seriously scary abusive freak. Get out now.

[ChatroomHero]

I guess it was the sudden transformation from nice doting bf to someone who suddenly has an issue with everything.

 

 

 

Best behavior early on would be my guess.

[amaysngrace]

I'm English but he is Italian. I'm trying to figure if that has something to do with it. This is the first time I've dated outside of my culture but I know the role of women is different. His Mother runs around after him as if he is a small child and not a 30 something man...

 

Don't let him tell you what to wear, what to cook or how to do your make up. If he's an Italian momma boy give him a verbal smack down by standing your ground.

 

He'll probably back down like a big baby.