Early I Love Yous

[lurker74]

So…after a great relationship last year that sadly ended due mostly to her nearly obsessive jealousy combined with my outgoing nature that all too often gets identified as flirty (something I am working on), I have re-entered the dating pool. It’s going OK – mostly OLD. I had a nice 3rd date Friday night that didn’t end until 1 PM Saturday. But here’s the thing. She told me that she was in love with me. And someone last month, on the fourth date, said the same thing. So two things:

 

1) WTH am I doing that is engendering this in women (a third woman back in 2016 professed love super early). My concern is that I am somehow being narcissistic and subconsciously manipulating women into these feelings. I’m not doing it consciously but it scares the crap out of me that I might be some kind of sociopath. A couple close friends, one male one female, have said, essentially, that I’m just a really nice guy in a world of douchebags but still…any thoughts?

 

2) And second, why is it that this profession of love causes me to like the relationship less? I am less inclined to want to see her now. I definitely feel like I need to be careful because what started as a fun, casual relationship that I hoped turned into a serious, LTR has been endangered by what I can only describe as feeling of obligation.

 

Help!

[anika99]

1) I doubt that you are doing anything to cause these early declarations of love. Probably has very little to with you at all. These women are needy or broken or perhaps even trying to manipulate you. It's absurd to tell someone you love them on the third date but if there is a narcissist in the relationship it's usually the person making over the top declarations of love way too soon, not the recipient.

 

2) You feel that way because it's an emotional trap. I'd feel the same. Of course you have no obligation to a woman you've only seen a few times but when someone declares their love for you and you don't feel the same, it becomes stifling and ackward, like your responsible for their feelings. Run from these women as they clearly have issues.

[Gaeta]

Tell them you need a new kidney, lets see how much they are in love.

 

Of course it makes you feel bad because you know it's just infatuation and not real love. If someone tells you he loves you after 4 dates what is that ILY worth? You're right, it's worth 4 dates. Not much. If they took 4 months to get to know you their ILY would mean something more.

[kendahke]

 

1) WTH am I doing that is engendering this in women (a third woman back in 2016 professed love super early). any thoughts?

 

You answered this in your first paragraph:

 

my outgoing nature that all too often gets identified as flirty (something I am working on),

You have a way about you that causes women to love how they feel about themselves when they're with you and more than likely, it's this rather than them loving someone they barely know. So when they say "I love you", what they're probably meaning is "I love the way I feel about myself when I'm with you".

 

 

2) And second, why is it that this profession of love causes me to like the relationship less? I am less inclined to want to see her now. I definitely feel like I need to be careful because what started as a fun, casual relationship that I hoped turned into a serious, LTR has been endangered by what I can only describe as feeling of obligation.

 

Help!

 

Because you know that they can't possibly love you since they don't really know you.

 

But yes, you should be careful now that you know this phenomenon keeps unfolding with different women. Just be very, very clear and explicit in how you're proceeding with them so they're not getting ahead of themselves.

[heavenonearth]

I think if she was 'the one' you'd be smitten with her proclamation of love.

But you have had 3 dates only so yeah maybe that is a bit too soon.

 

I knew I was going to fall in love with my boyfriend when I went on my first date with him!!

Of course I did not 'love' him yet but I was head over heels and I knew I would love him eventually...

 

We said the first time "I love you" after only 5 weeks of dating... and then we did not say it for many months more because we did not want to rush things... and then we said it again, and it felt right. Now we loved each other. The infatuation had turned into real love.

 

So what I think is that this girl is mistaking her infatuation for you, the knowledge she has that she will one day love you, for 'true love' at the moment.

 

I dont think it is a bad thing - but a lot of more emotional/sensitive women may be like this - me included.

 

It sucks that you like her less now, but this may be because you know deep inside she is not 'the one'?

 

I was sooooo full on with my boyfriend when we first met and he was trying to take things slow, but guess what, I won him over right there on the first date and that's why he didn't freak when I said 'I love you" after 5 weeks, and he said it back, even though it was freaking scary!

 

I think maybe you need to reconsider if this is the girl you want to fall in love with... she may not be it?

[lurker74]

I think if she was 'the one' you'd be smitten with her proclamation of love.

But you have had 3 dates only so yeah maybe that is a bit too soon.

 

I knew I was going to fall in love with my boyfriend when I went on my first date with him!!

Of course I did not 'love' him yet but I was head over heels and I knew I would love him eventually...

 

We said the first time "I love you" after only 5 weeks of dating... and then we did not say it for many months more because we did not want to rush things... and then we said it again, and it felt right. Now we loved each other. The infatuation had turned into real love.

 

So what I think is that this girl is mistaking her infatuation for you, the knowledge she has that she will one day love you, for 'true love' at the moment.

 

I dont think it is a bad thing - but a lot of more emotional/sensitive women may be like this - me included.

 

It sucks that you like her less now, but this may be because you know deep inside she is not 'the one'?

 

I was sooooo full on with my boyfriend when we first met and he was trying to take things slow, but guess what, I won him over right there on the first date and that's why he didn't freak when I said 'I love you" after 5 weeks, and he said it back, even though it was freaking scary!

 

I think maybe you need to reconsider if this is the girl you want to fall in love with... she may not be it?

 

You may be right. Ugh. This stuff is so hard. The woman I was with last year - I knew she was trouble literally from the moment I saw her. In a good and a bad way. But that's the only time that's ever happened to me. Maybe she's not the one if that can happen to me. Or maybe it will grow. I'd like to think I can grow into it.

 

And it's not that I like her less now so much as it seems like much higher stakes. If I break things off, I'm crushing her (and I already stay too long sometimes in relationships because I don't want to hurt someone).

 

And then finally, it's like Groucho Marx said (sort of): I'm not sure I can be into a woman who is that into me. But that's my own self esteem issue.

 

Thank you all for the comments. I guess I need to figure some things out about myself.