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Do I cancel on her?


Redguitar35

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I’d like to get some input on this issue without any judging or condemnation.

 

I chatted with a girl on tinder. She messaged first, said I’m super cute, etc and wants to meet for a drink. She said though that sex is off the table which I find disappointing. Now, I hook up quite a bit, and in my experience, if there is no sex on the first date, there will certainly be no second date. I feel like it was a sign of lack of interest on their part. At the same time there have been situations in the past where the girl set the expectation prior to the meeting that there would be no sex, then midway through the date she said, okay let’s have sex and texted me her address.

 

I don’t know if that will be the case with this girl so the issue is, I am torn about whether to follow through with the date tonight? She seemed pretty firm on this (but the place she suggested is close to her place so who knows) and I do not want to waste our time on a one and done date, especially since I hate these types of dates anyway. Do I cancel?

Edited by Redguitar35
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I say cancel.[] You seriously expect sex on the first date with every chick?

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You seriously expect sex on the first date with every chick?

 

 

I wouldn’t say I expect it, my point was that in the past if sex didn’t occur early, things really fizzled out quickly. Maybe they were lukewarm or were just testing the waters with online dating or just wanted to get out of the house that night. It’s a case of sexual compatibility.

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I wouldn’t say I expect it, my point was that in the past if sex didn’t occur early, things really fizzled out quickly. Maybe they were lukewarm or were just testing the waters with online dating or just wanted to get out of the house that night. It’s a case of sexual compatibility.

 

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You must be a very good looking guy and charming to have expectations that sex on the first date must happen or the girl is a no go.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Your expectations are ridiculous. No second date if the girl doesn't put out on the first date? Um yeah, ok.

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She said though that sex is off the table

 

Since you're apparently used to having casual sex, I could see a witty and slightly naughty and flirty response to that line, regardless of whether you want to continue or not. Dating and flirting is fun.

 

Up to you. I'd probably go but that's me. I see every opportunity to socialize with a lady as a potentially memorable time. Bonus if we end up 'off the table' ;)

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Your expectations are ridiculous. No second date if the girl doesn't put out on the first date? Um yeah, ok.

 

I’m just referencing my past experience. Sex on the first date, there was always a second date. She came back for more. No sex? Never saw each other again. I don’t pressure anyone to have sex. But c’mon, it’s 2018. I think if a person is serious about the opposite sex they’re at least open to the idea of sex on the first date.

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newyorker11356
I’m just referencing my past experience. Sex on the first date, there was always a second date. She came back for more. No sex? Never saw each other again. I don’t pressure anyone to have sex. But c’mon, it’s 2018. I think if a person is serious about the opposite sex they’re at least open to the idea of sex on the first date.

 

Funny. I've never had sex on the first date, and it's never hindered me from going on further dates.

 

Also, having sex on the first date doesn't mean they'll always be a 2nd. I've heard stories of people having sex on the first date, then never ended up going on more.

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Many women (including this one) prefer to build a connection before they have sex, and this one knows that won't be the case at the first date.

 

The same goes for some guys too. We may like to have sex on the first date, but that's not the only way we connect with women. Personally I wouldn't mind waiting a few dates for the right person. I'd go on this date and see what happens - it might be different to your usual dates... but hopefully "good" different!

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I’m just referencing my past experience. Sex on the first date, there was always a second date. She came back for more. No sex? Never saw each other again. I don’t pressure anyone to have sex. But c’mon, it’s 2018. I think if a person is serious about the opposite sex they’re at least open to the idea of sex on the first date.

 

And yet - you're still single, no?

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It's probably just double speak for her. It doesn't mean that there won't be sex. Perhaps during the date, she will change her mind.

 

You need to not go into these first dates with the expectation of sex though. Go in with an open mind. If sex happens then good. If sex doesn't happen then still good.

 

You will only frustrate yourself if you set such hard expectations of sex on the first date and you don't get it.

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And yet - you're still single, no?

 

Hahaha:laugh:

Good one!

 

So, OP, are you saying there is nothing else apart from sex that you can offer a woman to have her come back for a second date?

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I wouldn’t say I expect it, my point was that in the past if sex didn’t occur early, things really fizzled out quickly.

 

There's early and there's "I've only been in your presence for 3 hours".

 

But you were pretty clear in your first post:

if there is no sex on the first date, there will certainly be no second date.
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Since this is apparently a hot-button topic and our moderated member list is growing rapidly, I'll reiterate the thread topic:

I don’t know if that [sex] will be the case with this girl so the issue is, I am torn about whether to follow through with the date tonight? She seemed pretty firm on this (but the place she suggested is close to her place so who knows) and I do not want to waste our time on a one and done date, especially since I hate these types of dates anyway. Do I cancel?

 

If members can address that topic with a modicum of a respect for the guidelines of this forum, I expect an enthralling discussion to ensue. We know you can. Thanks!

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WHO is the "issue" on the no second date?

 

Is it YOU, OP? Do you not go for a second date if the woman refuses to sleep with you?

 

OR

 

Have you found that women are not interested in a second date unless you bed them?

 

Is there any other affection, hand holding, kissing before you ultimately land in the sack or does it go from A to Z with nothing in between? That affection without the sex can go a long way.

 

How many women never want a second date even if you DO sleep together? Are you forgetting this aspect, or do you always get at least 2-3 dates before they bail or you bail? Do you blow off a woman after sleeping with them on the first date?

 

I think most women out there, as a majority, don't fall into bed on the first date, and not even the second. I certainly don't. They have to like me enough to want that second, third date and know me as a person first. I think it's unrealistic to expect sex every time, and very short-sighted to dump them if there is none (if that's what you're doing).

 

Each date can be fun, even if there's just a kiss. I would hardly call it a waste of time. This woman is probably tired of the sex expectation, and Tinder still has a reputation of hookups, so she's probably nipping this in the bud. If you cancel, it will just solidify her experiences, men are just after the sex. If you like her enough, ask her out again. If she doesn't want to, that's unfortunate. I don't think sex needs to enter the picture on whether or not a second date happens. If there's something worth exploring together, you'll get the second date and third.

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In your OLD profile, what do you say you're looking for? A relationship or something casual?

 

Have you had any long term relationships, and if so, did they all begin with sex on the first date?

 

As long as both people are on the same page, there isn't an issue.

 

However, since she told you in your very first communication that sex is off the table (for now, at least) I think you should cancel and not waste her time or yours.

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even if you don't want to know, and we know you do, i do!

 

 

go. go and find out. you want to know, you want a woman to be into you without you having to dick her into it. we know you think that's the only way to hook her. but it's not.. trust me.

 

you don't want to go because she might not give you the chance to show her what you got, all you got. and if she doesn't, you either don't know about how else to "connect" or you're not interested in other slower ways to "connect"

 

get going, you've got nothing to lose and i'm curious.

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There are 2 issues at play here:

 

1. Basic courtesy. You already said yes to the date, now you want to bail. That is impolite. You already knew sex was off the table but you said yes. To cancel at the last minute is not nice. However, you should still cancel because of the 2nd issue.

 

2. Sexual compatibility. You have certain expectations. Personally I find them unreasonable & entitled but you are not dating me. You are allowed to have your view & as you are fully aware you need to find somebody who shares your views. You want 1st date sex & you are unwilling to put in the time & effort to get to know somebody if you don't get it. So yes, do this girl a favor & leave her alone. Her well established & clear boundaries do not fit your expectations.

 

If you go on this date, even subtle pressure which results in you getting what you want means that she has to compromise her morals. That will leave her disoriented & empty at best.

 

You need to find somebody who shares your views.

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I ended up canceling on her and had sex at my place with someone else I had been talking to that night. I dislike those meet-for-a-drink dates, and she honestly didn’t seem to know what she was looking for with online dating. I saved both of us a wasted evening.

Edited by Redguitar35
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WHO is the "issue" on the no second date?

 

Is it YOU, OP? Do you not go for a second date if the woman refuses to sleep with you?

 

I'll sit through and tolerate a date if I think it's going to lead to sex later, but I would NOT go on a date with a girl unless I felt there was the possibility of sex pretty soon.

 

I generally do not enjoy dates where we sit across a table from each other and make conversation for hours. When I was younger and just starting to date I went on a string of one and done dates where we met for drinks or coffee and chatted and sex never happened and there was no second date. I hated that. I get nothing out of those types of dates. I'm too old to waste time like that. I recently talked to a girl on an app. She seemed curious about me, but I wasn't getting any flirtatious cues from her, so I just ended the conversation.

 

 

 

OR

 

Have you found that women are not interested in a second date unless you bed them?

 

 

Not always.

 

Is there any other affection, hand holding, kissing before you ultimately land in the sack or does it go from A to Z with nothing in between? That affection without the sex can go a long way.

 

No, I like to chat a little bit before we have sex. I know how to flirt and make banter, and sometimes that's fun. But I don't like to go out on dates generally.

 

How many women never want a second date even if you DO sleep together? Are you forgetting this aspect, or do you always get at least 2-3 dates before they bail or you bail?

 

None, they always come back for more sex. Usually I'm the one that ends things, but not always.

 

Do you blow off a woman after sleeping with them on the first date?

 

Sometimes.

 

I think most women out there, as a majority, don't fall into bed on the first date, and not even the second. I certainly don't. They have to like me enough to want that second, third date and know me as a person first. I think it's unrealistic to expect sex every time, and very short-sighted to dump them if there is none (if that's what you're doing).

 

Each date can be fun, even if there's just a kiss. I would hardly call it a waste of time. This woman is probably tired of the sex expectation, and Tinder still has a reputation of hookups, so she's probably nipping this in the bud. If you cancel, it will just solidify her experiences, men are just after the sex. If you like her enough, ask her out again. If she doesn't want to, that's unfortunate. I don't think sex needs to enter the picture on whether or not a second date happens. If there's something worth exploring together, you'll get the second date and third.

 

I think for her to shut down the idea of sex the way she did means she's either a bit prudish or just looking for attention, to be honest with you. I feel like if she's really serious and interested about this she'd be at least open to it. She's not my type.

Edited by Redguitar35
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I'll sit through and tolerate a date if I think it's going to lead to sex later, but I would NOT go on a date with a girl unless I felt there was the possibility of sex pretty soon.

 

I think for her to shut down the idea of sex the way she did means she's either a bit prudish or just looking for attention, to be honest with you. I feel like if she's really serious and interested about this she'd be at least open to it. She's not my type.

 

Exactly, she is not your type.

You want an easy lay... and she isn't one.

You have this twisted philosophy that girls who are serious want to have sex right away... Frankly, I think this is a lie you tell yourself to cover up your own laziness and lack of social skills.

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Cookiesandough

Read some of your threads... apologies if I’m off sounds like the people you like to don’t like you and you think the resolution to insecurity and loneliness is snu snu with people. I don’t think that’s going to solve your problems. Work on the root of why you can’t get people who like you interested romantically is my advice instead of chasing people you don’t really like for sex

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I see this specific situation as already been resolved by the OP, but this is a general comment that I don't think anyone here mentioned so far:

 

A woman many many times of Tinder will say "there will be no sex happening tonight" but then in the end she WILL end up happily getting with the guy that very night. Maybe she is testing to see if he is interested in her for more than sex. Maybe she doesn't want to feel easy. Maybe she typically is not interested in sex on the first date but the chemistry is so strong that she just goes with it.

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I see this specific situation as already been resolved by the OP, but this is a general comment that I don't think anyone here mentioned so far:

 

A woman many many times of Tinder will say "there will be no sex happening tonight" but then in the end she WILL end up happily getting with the guy that very night. Maybe she is testing to see if he is interested in her for more than sex. Maybe she doesn't want to feel easy. Maybe she typically is not interested in sex on the first date but the chemistry is so strong that she just goes with it.

 

It probably wasn't nice to cancel on her at the last minute, but she seemed firm and I was looking for something else.

Edited by Redguitar35
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