Is it too early?

[Amy In Clouds]

I met Eric on a dating website. We are both in our early thirties, young professionals, single. After texting for about two weeks every day all day, we went out once and at the end of the date he gave me a full on French kiss I wasn't expecting. I don't want to say I was turned off by it, I generally need more time to develop attraction towards somebody. The kiss was awkward.

 

We continued to text and he asked me for a movie night in just a couple of days. Eric doesn't seem like a player, he is a typical geeky good guy. I was concerned about going to his apartment not knowing who he is, all of my friends told me not to. So we went out for drinks instead but the convo was going so well I ended up asking me to take me to his flat. And we didn't sleep together. We watched a movie and cuddled, he asked me to spend the night and we just didn't have sex. I told him I needed more time.

 

Then we had another date at his. This time I really wanted to sleep with him, but I again sort of resisted it. There is a lot of chemistry between us, definitely a connection, I am just worried once he gets it - he will move on. He said he wasn't interested in games or playing around, he is at an age where he is looking for something specific and concrete. And he already mentioned me to a couple of friends and actually got me to tutor one of them (I teach math). He also went to work in the morning feeling comfortable leaving me alone in his apartment (all I needed to do was to slam the door on my way out).

 

Eric has a good job, his own place, and is close to his family. He hasn't pressured me into anything or made me feel guilty for not sleeping with him. He has already said things like: if we start dating, then you should know this.... but he hasn't shared anything overly private about himself. And he only seems to be interested in hanging out with me at his place. (he is a homebody though)

 

Any thoughts about this? Thank you.

[lurker74]

Sex on the third or fourth date is pretty normal, at least in the States and at your ages. As a guy, it is not the decider on whether I continue to see someone (unless the sex is REALLY bad). Sex on a first date? Yeah, that affects me, but not at where you are.

 

Still, it doesn't mean that he is guaranteed to not lose interest. Sometimes that happens. It doesn't mean you gave it up too soon.

 

Also, consider telling him what you told us. That you were put off by his french kiss. It's such a hard thing for a guy - whether to kiss, not to kiss, how to kiss. It's very much a damned if you do/don't type of thing so hopefully you can open up enough communication lanes to discuss it because there are plenty of other things to discuss when it comes to sex!

[Amy In Clouds]

Sex on the third or fourth date is pretty normal, at least in the States and at your ages. As a guy, it is not the decider on whether I continue to see someone (unless the sex is REALLY bad). Sex on a first date? Yeah, that affects me, but not at where you are.

 

Still, it doesn't mean that he is guaranteed to not lose interest. Sometimes that happens. It doesn't mean you gave it up too soon.

 

Also, consider telling him what you told us. That you were put off by his french kiss. It's such a hard thing for a guy - whether to kiss, not to kiss, how to kiss. It's very much a damned if you do/don't type of thing so hopefully you can open up enough communication lanes to discuss it because there are plenty of other things to discuss when it comes to sex!

 

Thanks for your reply. I have actually told him, we laughed about it and we ended up kissing a lot after that and we are definitely enjoying it. We even discussed how our sex life will probably be great because we communicate everything to do with how we talk and kiss and cuddle.

 

I guess my question was whether you guys thought, taking into account the context of how we met, whether I was giving it up too quickly. I don't feel pressured into it, although Eric jokes about it all the time. I feel there is a lot of attraction there, I just don't want to risk it all because I couldn't resist a bit longer. But then when I talk to him, I feel he genuinely likes me. Also, I live in quite a conservative community. Eric is not conservative at all, and neither am I, but it does kind of creep into my mind - I don't want to appear easy.

[olivetree]

Thanks for your reply. I have actually told him, we laughed about it and we ended up kissing a lot after that and we are definitely enjoying it. We even discussed how our sex life will probably be great because we communicate everything to do with how we talk and kiss and cuddle.

 

I guess my question was whether you guys thought, taking into account the context of how we met, whether I was giving it up too quickly. I don't feel pressured into it, although Eric jokes about it all the time. I feel there is a lot of attraction there, I just don't want to risk it all because I couldn't resist a bit longer. But then when I talk to him, I feel he genuinely likes me. Also, I live in quite a conservative community. Eric is not conservative at all, and neither am I, but it does kind of creep into my mind - I don't want to appear easy.

 

It's not about being easy, that's a huge double standard.

It's about when you're comfortable.

If you're comfortable/secure with him and where you two are at then go for it if you want to.

If you place this huge importance on sex and get overly attached after, you should probably wait.

[preraph]

I think it's a red flag he only wants to hang out at home. I mean, is that all you want out of life? I know you can see how despite the fact you say he's geeky and doesn't seem like a player, the end run here is about the same: He wants a woman to just come over and he doesn't want to go out and "play games," or date her. He wants convenient sex. That's what he wants, whether he's a player or he's inexperienced, that's the bottom line. He may also value a relationship -- or not. But if he did, wouldn't he be finding out what YOU want and how you want to spend your time? I don't like it. I think he's lazy.

[Cookiesandough]

I think it is too early. Because you are asking this question and it seems for validation that you can trust him to not judge you for sleeping with him too soon, “giving it up” too easy, or any of that other sexist stuff. If it wasn’t too soon you could trust this guy I think. You wouldn’t question it. I think your gut may be saying something to you. I see inconsistencies from your post. For example, he’s a “geeky good guy” but he sticks his tongue down your throat right away and takes you back to his place. It seems, like preraph said, a lot of the dates seem to be in places conducive to sex with lots of physical escalation. I’m not saying he can’t want sex as much as any other guy, but . I think more effort should be put in to the beginning of dating than drinks and home dates when someone is genuinely interested in building a connection. The bottom line is you really don’t know much about this guy yet( I may be wrong) Don’t assume because he is not a ‘player’ just because he’s a bit nerdy. Have sex when you are ready to/want to and if you do it before any emotional connection + commitment has been established make sure you’re okay with never hearing from the person again

[Amy In Clouds]

I think it is too early. Because you are asking this question and it seems for validation that you can trust him to not judge you for sleeping with him too soon, “giving it up” too easy, or any of that other sexist stuff. If it wasn’t too soon you could trust this guy I think. You wouldn’t question it. I think your gut may be saying something to you. I see inconsistencies from your post. For example, he’s a “geeky good guy” but he sticks his tongue down your throat right away and takes you back to his place. It seems, like preraph said, a lot of the dates seem to be in places conducive to sex with lots of physical escalation. I’m not saying he can’t want sex as much as any other guy, but . I think more effort should be put in to the beginning of dating than drinks and home dates when someone is genuinely interested in building a connection. The bottom line is you really don’t know much about this guy yet( I may be wrong) Don’t assume because he is not a ‘player’ just because he’s a bit nerdy. Have sex when you are ready to/want to and if you do it before any emotional connection + commitment has been established make sure you’re okay with never hearing from the person again

 

Thank you for your concern. I really do have a very good feeling about him, I am just wondering whether generally it would be considered too early. He has been very nice and sweet to me and my gut is telling me he really likes me. He just said yes to going to a concert with me and my friend (he actually suggested it) so we can hang out next week as she is in town for the week and we wouldn't see each other otherwise. I'd say that is kind of putting an effort. Also, meeting one of my closest friends.... As for the kiss, I think he was just incredibly awkward. I am generally a very doubtful person and I doubt myself all the time.... so that's why I am asking.

[Cookiesandough]

Whether or not the guy thinks it’s too early is totally dependent on the man. There’s no one size fits all answer. Some are more more traditional, some have extreme double standards about it, some prefer a girl who is sexual right away. So “too soon”is relative. Don’t know this guy or his values so no one can say how or if it will change his perception of you. Just go with what feels right for you. Wish you the best Annie !!

[LivingWaterPlease]

I think it is too early. Because you are asking this question and it seems for validation that you can trust him to not judge you for sleeping with him too soon, “giving it up” too easy, or any of that other sexist stuff. If it wasn’t too soon you could trust this guy I think. You wouldn’t question it. I think your gut may be saying something to you. I see inconsistencies from your post. For example, he’s a “geeky good guy” but he sticks his tongue down your throat right away and takes you back to his place. It seems, like preraph said, a lot of the dates seem to be in places conducive to sex with lots of physical escalation. I’m not saying he can’t want sex as much as any other guy, but . I think more effort should be put in to the beginning of dating than drinks and home dates when someone is genuinely interested in building a connection. The bottom line is you really don’t know much about this guy yet( I may be wrong) Don’t assume because he is not a ‘player’ just because he’s a bit nerdy. Have sex when you are ready to/want to and if you do it before any emotional connection + commitment has been established make sure you’re okay with never hearing from the person again

 

 

I can't "like" this enough times. OP, ladies are often on LS asking this question about guys who are really into them. Everything seems right, he's saying all the right things, the chemistry and connection are great. And he's a really good guy. Most of the time there are plenty of people who say, "Go for it and have sex," and also those who say, "wait until you have an established relationship." Most of the time, it seems to me, the women go ahead and have sex and then are back on LS for comfort as they are hoping to hear from the guys again and are instead listening to the clock ticking. Can't tell you how many times I've read this here. And some are like, "Well, at least the sex was good."

 

Sounds to me as if the sex will be good for you guys even if you go ahead now (of course, no one can be certain). But, what is your end goal? One good time of sex or a solid relationship that offers a future of a great relationship accompanied by a great sexual relationship long term? If the latter is what you want, I encourage you to wait to have sex with him until you're sure. If you just want a night of good sex, go ahead and do it. But, be prepared for a let down afterwards. Not saying that's what will happen, but there's a strong possibility it will.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Eric has a good job, his own place, and is close to his family. He hasn't pressured me into anything or made me feel guilty for not sleeping with him. He has already said things like: if we start dating, then you should know this.... but he hasn't shared anything overly private about himself. And he only seems to be interested in hanging out with me at his place. (he is a homebody though)

 

Any thoughts about this? Thank you.

 

I just highlighted these parts because if he doesn't even consider that you guys are even dating yet, or willing to share anything personal with you, how can you share something as intimate and personal as sex? Some people can, others can't.

 

I agree with Cookies and Preraph that his behavior is suggesting that he is motivated sex, which is why he is trying to escalate things so quickly. There is no harm in waiting a bit longer to get to know him and see if whether he has some relationship potential.

 

However, if you don't want to wait, keep your expectations low and just enjoy it as a casual thing (because that is all it would be at this point). It might develop into more, but he hasn't done enough to suggest that he wants that with you yet.

[kendahke]

Any thoughts about this?

 

This could work out ONLY if you keep your expectations in check*. Don't assume that one night of sex with him means "relationship: just add water". For him, this could amount to scoring (and is he reading PUA literature? You wouldn't know that since he's not forthcoming with personal details)

 

IME, geeky guys can be just as rapacious and calculating as guys who are players.

 

 

*expectations are future resentments under construction