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Boyfriend has a bad temper?


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Warning: Novel incoming.

 

Recently, I have found out that my boyfriend gets angry more easily than the average person. We have been getting into small fights/ getting annoyed at each other a lot. I have discovered that he has a bad temper. Which I totally didn’t expect because when we first met, he said that he is not the type to get angry easily and that he doesn’t get along well with his father because his father gets angry easily. First of all, let me say that his first language is not English and I am living in his country, and so the culture is different and sometimes we have trouble understanding each other.

 

The first thing that happened was, one day he was going to come to my house, but he was super tired that day. He was on the way there and we were deciding what to do about dinner. At first he said “Let’s just go to a restaurant,” but I assumed that he was only suggesting that to be nice to me. I mean, why would someone want to go out to a restaurant if they're tired?? So I went out to buy some food that we could cook together in my house. He called me again and I told him what I was doing. Suddenly I could tell by his voice that he was angry. He wasn’t yelling or saying bad words, but the way he was speaking was really serious. He didn’t understand why I was buying stuff we could cook, since it would take a long time to cook and then we have to clean up everything afterwards. I panicked and didn’t know what to do since I’m not used to people getting angry at me. I said I’d go buy some quick street food instead. We hung up and then he texted me saying “Actually, I didn’t really want to meet today. But I know that you miss me, so I decided to come to your house.” I was really hurt by that. Eventually he arrived at my house and I was crying. He asked why I didn’t just go get food takeout from a restaurant, which is actually what he meant by going to a restaurant. He hugged me and then I explained how I misunderstood his words and I didn’t know what he meant. So I cried some more and we hugged for 10 mins while he said sorry over and over. But he didn’t apologize for that mean text that he sent me.

 

Another situation was where he got super offended by a joke that I made. I put on a pair of his pants and started acting all silly, pretending that I was him but of course I didn’t really think he was like that. He didn’t think it was funny at all and told me to stop twice. I stopped but I was upset because he wasn’t even pretending to find my joke funny (If his jokes aren't funny, I pretend they are just to be nice). He explained that he was actually really offended by my joke. I started crying and then he explained that if he asks me to stop several times, then I will know he is serious and offended. He preceded to joke by saying “You’re ugly when you cry.” I told him “Are you serious!?!? You just got all offended by my joke, but you think that calling me ugly when I cry is funny?” and he said sorry.

 

I thought everything would be fine after that, until this weekend which is a 4-day holiday weekend. We had plans to go on a ski trip the first 2 days which are national holidays here. The day we were supposed to leave, he searched about different resorts, but found out it was more expensive than he expected. I also didn’t want to spend a lot of money, so we decided to meet at his place that night and find an alternative. So when we met up, I suggested another place we could go to do some sightseeing and hiking. He searched about that, but started complaining that he “actually didn’t want to go out of the city” during these first two days, since the other cities/places would be so crowded. I still don’t understand why we decided a week ago to go on this trip on those two days, but suddenly he changed his mind.

 

While we were talking about what to do, but I was hungry so we went to get some fast food at McDonald’s. At the register I ordered takeout so we could take it back to his house, but when I said “takeout” he said “No, let’s just eat here.” I said “But it would be more comfortable to eat at your house” and he said “No, it would be easier to just eat here.” He was very adamant about it and since we were still standing at the register, I didn’t want to make a scene so I gave up. We went off to the side and I asked him why he wanted to eat there so badly. He said that it was more uncomfortable to eat in his house because he would need to help me set up and clean up everything. I told him that I can do that all by myself, but he said it didn’t matter because since I’m the guest, he would feel like he has to help. Suddenly he appeared angry and said “You know, I really don’t like situations like this.” And we stood there for a few minutes not talking at all since I didn’t know what to do. All I could think was, why is he making such a big deal out of such a small thing? Are we really fighting about where we are going to eat fast food?

 

We ate there and then went back to his place. I lied down since I was tired from working that day. He had that day off so he hadn’t worked that day. Suddenly he said he was angry that I wasn’t helping him search when I was the one who wanted to go out of the city. I said sorry for not helping, and searched for a spa in the area closer to the city that he said he’d rather go to. We agreed on that and everything was fine.

 

The next day, we weren’t able to go to the spa because we woke up too late and he had no swimsuit and no stores were selling swimsuits. We tried to find other things to do like ice skating but the less-crowded rinks were closed. We decided to just hang out in my neighborhood that day. Suddenly he asked if he could spend the night alone at his house that night since he had to go see his family the next day.

 

I was upset that he suggested this when we had planned to spend these two days together, one week ago when we made plans all he said was that he would be seeing his family on Friday night. I said I’d rather he stay at my house tonight since I almost always go to his house, which takes 40mins to get to. He agreed and we went to my house to rest for a little. We were about to go out again when he starts grabbing his things. I said “What are you doing?” and he said “I’m going to my house, remember..?” and I said “No, we agreed that you’d stay here tonight.” And he said “Oh, sorry I misunderstood.” He put his stuff back down and we went outside. He kept talking about the fact that he would rather go to his house, so I said “why don’t we both just go to your house then.” He started getting irritated so I said “okay then we’ll just stay here tonight.”

 

I mean I know that he was going to see his family tomorrow, but was it such a big deal going a little out of his way!? If we went to his place that night, then I would have to go back to my house the next day, which just seemed silly. We continued walking down the street, but I could feel that he was still irritated. That’s when I suggested again that we just go to his house together and that it was my final decision. I thought it would appease him but he just got more angry and started asking why I had not decided that in the first place or even five minutes ago when we discussed it.

 

I explained that I’m human and than sometimes people change their minds, so I changed my mind. He said that normal people would have been thankful to me for changing my mind to do what is more convenient for them, but because of his “special” personality that he was just annoyed at me changing my mind. Then he said that he was really fine just staying at my place and that he had no desire to go back to his house anymore. So we kept walking but I was so upset because I had never intended to make him angry but this small thing just blew up. We went off on a side road because I wanted to cry without people seeing and he hugged me as I cried. I was still hungry so after that we went into a restaurant to order takeout.

 

After order we sat down at the table and he said “You know, sometimes lately when we meet I feel really tired.” and then he looked me in the eyes but his face expression wasn’t angry or anything, it was just cold. I don’t know what he was expecting my response to be, but those words really hurt.

 

We walked home almost silently and then I sat there bawling again. I asked him why he said those mean words to me and he said that because “It’s the truth.” He said that he "still likes me but we are both just 23 years old and we are learning to understand each other."

 

Of course we do but is he being unreasonable to expect me to just deal with his temper? How can I deal with it when I never know what’s going to upset him? Of course I like him in many other ways and in some ways he is more polite, caring, and affectionate than the average person, and we enjoy each other’s company. But I feel like a 3 month relationship should not have this much drama already…? Sometimes I feel like ending it before we get even more invested in each other. Do you think I should stick it out a little longer before giving up?

Thank you strangers!

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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What a mess. I'm not so sure this guy even likes you. Maybe it's the language barrier, but I doubt that's the only reason. Nobody is that annoyed by someone they're really into.

And by the way, why do you cry so much? The things you wrote about are definitely unpleasant and probably worth breaking up for, but crying for 10 min straight?

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No a 3 month relationship should not have this much drama & this much struggle to just be together.

 

 

From your description I see more frustration & lack of coping skills on both of your parts which may be compounded by language / communications issues then temper but perhaps you omitted nasty tone of voice, sharp looks, etc. from this post.

 

 

However, this early on should still be the HM phase with everybody on their best behavior bending over backwards to please the other one. I see this guy as having poor planning, some selfishness & an inability to be responsible. I do not think he will change.

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What a mess. I'm not so sure this guy even likes you. Maybe it's the language barrier, but I doubt that's the only reason. Nobody is that annoyed by someone they're really into.

And by the way, why do you cry so much? The things you wrote about are definitely unpleasant and probably worth breaking up for, but crying for 10 min straight?

 

It's true, I'm a crybaby. I'm sensitive and don't cope well when people are angry at me, because I don't like to make people angry. I have also dealt with on and off depression and so after a fight, I start thinking about other bad things and it turns into a snowball effect and then I can end up crying for a long time.

 

Although we have our misunderstandings, I don't think the language barrier has much to do with it. This weekend, after the first fight, we had a long talk over drinks and I brought up the McDonald's incident. We ended up talking for hours about each other's personalities. He did explain to me that he has a "unique" temper. We talked about past relationships and his longest one was two years, with a girl who had a very "calm and cool" personality. He said he dated five girls but broke up with all of them and never gave them a second chance. I thought that was odd and asked why he didn't think about giving a single one another chance, but he said that every time it was too late to change his mind. Sometimes I feel like he is a bit narcissistic.

 

Sometimes I also have doubts about how much he likes me. But he's introduced me to several of his friends already, and also talks about me to his close co-worker who thinks that he likes me more than his past girlfriends. He also once said something like "I wish we could be together every day" or "If you lived in my neighborhood, we could meet every day."

 

One reason I feel like he doesn't like me as much as I like him, is because I like to meet up much more than he does. Sometimes when he wants to be alone, I feel like his reason for wanting to be alone is silly. We only see each other 2 days a week but occasionally spend all weekend together, and on those weekends we usually have a great time together.

 

He is often tired from work, has to visit his old grandmother in the hospital often, has many friends asking to meet him, and his brother who is only home two or three days a week is always vowing for his attention (why his brother can't just spend time with friends of his own beats me) so my boyfriend has to divide that time between them and me. I on the other hand, don't have many friends to meet so I end up being too needy which I know gets on his nerves. That's why we ended up compromising about planning dates.

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It's true, I'm a crybaby. I'm sensitive and don't cope well when people are angry at me, because I don't like to make people angry. I have also dealt with on and off depression and so after a fight, I start thinking about other bad things and it turns into a snowball effect and then I can end up crying for a long time.

 

 

When you address your depression, learn not to go straight to doomsday projections & develop a thicker skin, things in your life will improve.

 

 

It's not all him. You add to all of this by being overly sensitive.

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No a 3 month relationship should not have this much drama & this much struggle to just be together.

 

 

From your description I see more frustration & lack of coping skills on both of your parts which may be compounded by language / communications issues then temper but perhaps you omitted nasty tone of voice, sharp looks, etc. from this post.

 

 

However, this early on should still be the HM phase with everybody on their best behavior bending over backwards to please the other one. I see this guy as having poor planning, some selfishness & an inability to be responsible. I do not think he will change.

 

I have tried to be on my best behavior in this relationship. In the past, I have reacted badly when my boyfriends did something I thought was rude. But even when my boyfriend changed plans on me last minute, or made me wait hours for a phone call, I have always kept my cool and talked things out like adults.

 

He is a definitely a poor planner who was always asking to meet on the same day and changing day-before-made plans. We actually already had a discussion about this as it was giving me a lot of stress. I explained that our personalities are different as he is spontaneous whereas I like to plan things. We agreed on a compromise that we would pick one weekday and one weekend day to meet up definitely, and on the other days he can ask spontaneously if he wants to. That was pretty recent too so I'm not sure if he will stick to his word.

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I don't read that he has a temper so much as that you have completely incompatible communication styles. He seems to be very pragmatic while you are a pleaser. You bend to what you think will appease him, which frustrates him because he perceives it as indecision on your part. He becomes logical, which you perceive as cold/angry, you cry -- lather, rinse, repeat. Either you need to work on your communication together or you should each find partners with whom you are better suited.

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When you address your depression, learn not to go straight to doomsday projections & develop a thicker skin, things in your life will improve.

 

 

It's not all him. You add to all of this by being overly sensitive.

 

I know that I am overly sensitive and my crying makes the drama worse. It's difficult to control but I do want to have a thicker skin.

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I don't read that he has a temper so much as that you have completely incompatible communication styles. He seems to be very pragmatic while you are a pleaser. You bend to what you think will appease him, which frustrates him because he perceives it as indecision on your part. He becomes logical, which you perceive as cold/angry, you cry -- lather, rinse, repeat. Either you need to work on your communication together or you should each find partners with whom you are better suited.

 

I don't know how we can make our communication better. I already told him that he needs to be more direct with me because sometimes the way he words things is indirect and then I misunderstand him.

 

He also told me that in situations like the McDonalds one, he wants me to just roll with it and not ask him "Why?" But I feel like it's not fair if I can't at least know the reason if we're going to do things his way

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You need to seriously consider that you two are not compatible. You are never going to be a just "roll with it" person. I'm not & I find people like him who just meander along but hate being challenged or held accountable maddening so I don't intertwine myself with them.

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I don't see him having a bad temper. I see 2 people that want it their way and constantly fight over it. Being in a relationship means compromising, letting the other win time to time, it means discussing a decision and very importantly it means to not assume we know what our bf/gf wants.

 

Half of what I read you were the cause of the problem. He wanted to eat out and you decided you'd eat home instead of discussing it with him, you mocked him and continued when he asked for you to stop, he wanted to go sleep at his home so what is the problem letting him do that? How would it have changed your world to eat your meal at macdonald? Stop sweating the small stuff. If your partner wants something and it doesn't hurt you than give it to him, be kind and easy to live with and he'll reciprocate with the same.

 

You're both pulling the blanket but I see you doing it more than he does.

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I honestly don't see any indication of a temper in what you wrote, but I obviously can't hear his tone, vocal inflection, etc.

 

If anything, it sounds like he's getting tired of you and your drama. You said in a later post that you told him to be more direct with you, but to me it sounds like he is being direct but you aren't listening.

 

I'm going to walk through this...

 

He was on the way there and we were deciding what to do about dinner. At first he said “Let’s just go to a restaurant,” but I assumed that he was only suggesting that to be nice to me. I mean, why would someone want to go out to a restaurant if they're tired?? So I went out to buy some food that we could cook together in my house.

 

He told you exactly what he wanted to do, but you made other assumptions and did your own thing. If you didn't understand what he meant, you should've asked.

 

He called me again and I told him what I was doing. Suddenly I could tell by his voice that he was angry. He wasn’t yelling or saying bad words, but the way he was speaking was really serious. He didn’t understand why I was buying stuff we could cook, since it would take a long time to cook and then we have to clean up everything afterwards.

 

Again, I can't hear his voice or know exactly what he said to you, but do you understand why he might've felt annoyed? He told you he just wanted to go to a restaurant, and you unilaterally decided to do something else.

 

And then he got to your house and you were crying. :rolleyes:

 

Another situation was where he got super offended by a joke that I made. I put on a pair of his pants and started acting all silly, pretending that I was him but of course I didn’t really think he was like that. He didn’t think it was funny at all and told me to stop twice. I stopped but I was upset because he wasn’t even pretending to find my joke funny (If his jokes aren't funny, I pretend they are just to be nice). He explained that he was actually really offended by my joke. I started crying and then he explained that if he asks me to stop several times, then I will know he is serious and offended.

 

He didn't think you were funny and asked you to stop. You wouldn't. He had to ask again. When he explained that he was offended, you started crying. I mean, seriously?

 

He preceded to joke by saying “You’re ugly when you cry.” I told him “Are you serious!?!? You just got all offended by my joke, but you think that calling me ugly when I cry is funny?” and he said sorry.

 

He is sick and tired of you bursting into tears over everything. I'm not saying what he said was right, but he's feeling frustrated.

 

So when we met up, I suggested another place we could go to do some sightseeing and hiking. He searched about that, but started complaining that he “actually didn’t want to go out of the city” during these first two days, since the other cities/places would be so crowded. I still don’t understand why we decided a week ago to go on this trip on those two days, but suddenly he changed his mind.

 

I honestly think he is losing interest in you and decided he didn't want to go away for the weekend with you.

 

While we were talking about what to do, but I was hungry so we went to get some fast food at McDonald’s. At the register I ordered takeout so we could take it back to his house, but when I said “takeout” he said “No, let’s just eat here.” I said “But it would be more comfortable to eat at your house” and he said “No, it would be easier to just eat here.” He was very adamant about it and since we were still standing at the register, I didn’t want to make a scene so I gave up.

 

This entire incident is ridiculous. Of course it's easier to just eat at the restaurant when you are standing inside the restaurant already.

 

Suddenly he appeared angry and said “You know, I really don’t like situations like this.” And we stood there for a few minutes not talking at all since I didn’t know what to do. All I could think was, why is he making such a big deal out of such a small thing? Are we really fighting about where we are going to eat fast food?

 

It seems like you are the one who made a big deal about it.

 

Suddenly he asked if he could spend the night alone at his house that night since he had to go see his family the next day. I was upset that he suggested this when we had planned to spend these two days together, one week ago when we made plans all he said was that he would be seeing his family on Friday night. I said I’d rather he stay at my house tonight since I almost always go to his house, which takes 40mins to get to. He agreed and we went to my house to rest for a little. We were about to go out again when he starts grabbing his things. I said “What are you doing?” and he said “I’m going to my house, remember..?” and I said “No, we agreed that you’d stay here tonight.” And he said “Oh, sorry I misunderstood.” He put his stuff back down and we went outside. He kept talking about the fact that he would rather go to his house, so I said “why don’t we both just go to your house then.” He started getting irritated so I said “okay then we’ll just stay here tonight.” I mean I know that he was going to see his family tomorrow, but was it such a big deal going a little out of his way!?

 

He wanted to stay at his house alone! He told you that explicitly. You ignored him. You kept pushing to spend the night with him.

 

We went off on a side road because I wanted to cry without people seeing and he hugged me as I cried. I was still hungry so after that we went into a restaurant to order takeout. After order we sat down at the table and he said “You know, sometimes lately when we meet I feel really tired.” and then he looked me in the eyes but his face expression wasn’t angry or anything, it was just cold. I don’t know what he was expecting my response to be, but those words really hurt.

 

He's tired of all this drama and crying.

 

We walked home almost silently and then I sat there bawling again.

 

Ugh.

 

Honestly, you two don't seem compatible.

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I don't see him having a bad temper. I see 2 people that want it their way and constantly fight over it. Being in a relationship means compromising, letting the other win time to time, it means discussing a decision and very importantly it means to not assume we know what our bf/gf wants.

 

Half of what I read you were the cause of the problem. He wanted to eat out and you decided you'd eat home instead of discussing it with him, you mocked him and continued when he asked for you to stop, he wanted to go sleep at his home so what is the problem letting him do that? How would it have changed your world to eat your meal at macdonald? Stop sweating the small stuff. If your partner wants something and it doesn't hurt you than give it to him, be kind and easy to live with and he'll reciprocate with the same.

 

You're both pulling the blanket but I see you doing it more than he does.

I didn't just decide to eat it at home. We were at the register so there was no time to discuss. It actually wasn't a big deal to me but I couldn't fathom why it was such a big deal to him, so I gave up very quickly. After we left the register, then I asked him why and then he explained it. But he thought it was such a big pain in the butt to have to explain it to me. I didn't argue about it any more after that because I didn't care that much about where we ate.

 

Second of all I was upset about him wanting him to go home that night, because that was one of the nights we had planned to be together one week ago. He is always changing things on me and once again he wanted to change our plans. I would have been okay with going to his house too because all I wanted was to have time together, but he didn't even suggest that I come with him and it made me feel like he doesn't like me as much he says he says he does.

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I didn't just decide to eat it at home. We were at the register so there was no time to discuss. It actually wasn't a big deal to me but I couldn't fathom why it was such a big deal to him, so I gave up very quickly. After we left the register, then I asked him why and then he explained it. But he thought it was such a big pain in the butt to have to explain it to me. I didn't argue about it any more after that because I didn't care that much about where we ate.
Why in the world is it important to know why he prefers to eat at MacDonald? Must the man justify every bit of what he prefers? Yes it's a big pain in the butt to him to have to explain his every preferences. I'd get tired of it pretty fast. He preferred eating there, it was no big deal to you where-ever so just give it to him! and don't turn in into an interrogation.

 

Second of all I was upset about him wanting him to go home that night, because that was one of the nights we had planned to be together one week ago. He is always changing things on me and once again he wanted to change our plans. I would have been okay with going to his house too because all I wanted was to have time together, but he didn't even suggest that I come with him and it made me feel like he doesn't like me as much he says he says he does.
If you feel your boyfriend doesn't like you as much as you like him it's probably because it's true. You 2 should not be dating. You're like water and oil, you don't mix well. This relationship brings frustration and aggravation to both of you. When someone doesn't make you feel loved and appreciated you don't date them.
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I'm going to say what I see here - please don't take it as an attack.

 

What you have described, I don't see as a temper. Sure, it's not ideal behaviour and he's obviously getting frustrated at times, but I would classify a temper as him losing it at you.

 

The thing is, in relationships (any kind, romantic or not), people can get irritated by the other person on occasion. Its no big deal and people discuss it, move on and try not to repeat the behaviour. But for you guys, if you sense he is even a little put out, you flap and change what you're doing to the extreme to try and please him and then you cry. I know you aren't doing it on purpose, but it can come across as manipulation. Any tiny thing that doesn't go your way ends in tears and apologising from him. For example, your joke. You were making fun of him and, to you, it was funny. To him, it was offensive. He tried to explain that and you were upset he wasn't pretending to find it funny and then you cry. He ends up apologising for finding a joke about him offensive and not funny. Do you see the problem here? Eventually he will feel like he's walking on eggshells and it won't be an honest relationship.

 

I'm not saying you are in the wrong but I think you are incompatible. You're a planner, he's spontaneous (I understand this here as I am a planner too and would find changing plans stressful), he wants to stay at his house, you want to stay at yours, you want more time together and he wants to see others too. Neither is right or wrong, but it's difficult to come together on this and compromise when your communication skills together just aren't there.

 

As much as you like him, at only 3 months in, I'd call this one incompatible and move on with no hard feelings. It shouldn't be like this. Not everyone is compatible to be in a romantic relationship.

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I honestly don't see any indication of a temper in what you wrote, but I obviously can't hear his tone, vocal inflection, etc.

 

If anything, it sounds like he's getting tired of you and your drama. You said in a later post that you told him to be more direct with you, but to me it sounds like he is being direct but you aren't listening.

 

I'm going to walk through this...

 

 

 

He told you exactly what he wanted to do, but you made other assumptions and did your own thing. If you didn't understand what he meant, you should've asked.

 

 

Again, I can't hear his voice or know exactly what he said to you, but do you understand why he might've felt annoyed? He told you he just wanted to go to a restaurant, and you unilaterally decided to do something else.

 

And then he got to your house and you were crying. :rolleyes:

 

He wasn't actually clear about this one. What he wanted was for me to get takeout from a restaurant have have it ready for him to eat at my house by the time he got there. This was a language miscommunication but I think he overreacted to it. I had never intended to make him angry, but I did so that's why I started crying.

 

He didn't think you were funny and asked you to stop. You wouldn't. He had to ask again. When he explained that he was offended, you started crying. I mean, seriously?

 

Yes, I know I was in the wrong here. He even said almost exactly those same words to me and asked why I was crying. I just felt bad that I had ended up offending him when my only intention was to make him laugh. I feel like he never finds my jokes funny even though they're usually not about him.

 

He is sick and tired of you bursting into tears over everything. I'm not saying what he said was right, but he's feeling frustrated.

 

 

 

I honestly think he is losing interest in you and decided he didn't want to go away for the weekend with you.

 

Yeah, I felt that way too and it sucked trying to make plans with someone who wasn't even one bit excited about the trip as I was.

 

This entire incident is ridiculous. Of course it's easier to just eat at the restaurant when you are standing inside the restaurant already.

 

 

 

It seems like you are the one who made a big deal about it.

 

Okay, I admit that I could have originally said alright in the first place. Next time I will do that and ask the questions later.

 

He wanted to stay at his house alone! He told you that explicitly. You ignored him. You kept pushing to spend the night with him.

 

I don't think I should have had to push him to, as this was supposed to be our special weekend together and we had planned to be together that night.

He could have suggested I come with him to his house but he didn't and that hurt me.

 

He's tired of all this drama and crying.

 

 

 

Ugh.

 

Honestly, you two don't seem compatible.

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I'm going to say what I see here - please don't take it as an attack.

 

What you have described, I don't see as a temper. Sure, it's not ideal behaviour and he's obviously getting frustrated at times, but I would classify a temper as him losing it at you.

 

The thing is, in relationships (any kind, romantic or not), people can get irritated by the other person on occasion. Its no big deal and people discuss it, move on and try not to repeat the behaviour. But for you guys, if you sense he is even a little put out, you flap and change what you're doing to the extreme to try and please him and then you cry. I know you aren't doing it on purpose, but it can come across as manipulation. Any tiny thing that doesn't go your way ends in tears and apologising from him. For example, your joke. You were making fun of him and, to you, it was funny. To him, it was offensive. He tried to explain that and you were upset he wasn't pretending to find it funny and then you cry. He ends up apologising for finding a joke about him offensive and not funny. Do you see the problem here? Eventually he will feel like he's walking on eggshells and it won't be an honest relationship.

 

I'm not saying you are in the wrong but I think you are incompatible. You're a planner, he's spontaneous (I understand this here as I am a planner too and would find changing plans stressful), he wants to stay at his house, you want to stay at yours, you want more time together and he wants to see others too. Neither is right or wrong, but it's difficult to come together on this and compromise when your communication skills together just aren't there.

 

As much as you like him, at only 3 months in, I'd call this one incompatible and move on with no hard feelings. It shouldn't be like this. Not everyone is compatible to be in a romantic relationship.

 

I also feel like I'm always walking on eggshells. I never know when I'm going to something wrong next. Ugh, this sucks so much. I was single for a long time but after only 3 months my new relationship partner turns out to be incompatible with me??

 

Thanks all for the replies anyways

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He wasn't actually clear about this one. What he wanted was for me to get takeout from a restaurant have have it ready for him to eat at my house by the time he got there. This was a language miscommunication but I think he overreacted to it. I had never intended to make him angry, but I did so that's why I started crying.

 

You are quick to say that he overreacted. Have you considered that crying about this incident was an overreaction on your part?

 

 

 

Yes, I know I was in the wrong here. He even said almost exactly those same words to me and asked why I was crying. I just felt bad that I had ended up offending him when my only intention was to make him laugh. I feel like he never finds my jokes funny even though they're usually not about him.

 

The fact that you do not have the same sense of humor is just another incompatibility. He can't help what he finds funny any more than you can.

 

 

Okay, I admit that I could have originally said alright in the first place. Next time I will do that and ask the questions later.

 

Why do you have to ask questions at all? It was fast food from McDonalds, not a fine dining experience!

 

I don't think I should have had to push him to, as this was supposed to be our special weekend together and we had planned to be together that night.

He could have suggested I come with him to his house but he didn't and that hurt me.

 

But the plans had already changed, hadn't they? The original place you planned to go to was too expensive, then you both overslept on your spa day. What started as plans to go away over a 4-day holiday weekend ended up as "We decided to just hang out in my neighborhood". I imagine he felt enough of the original plan had changed that it was no big deal for him to stay at his own house when he had to see his family the next day. The real question is why you made such an issue out of this.

 

It's clearly stressful for you to be in this r/s with him and, based on his reactions, it appears it is equally stressful on him. It might be time to seriously consider that you two are not a good fit.

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You are quick to say that he overreacted. Have you considered that crying about this incident was an overreaction on your part?

You're right... I did not consider that. I guess I also overreacted then.

 

 

Why do you have to ask questions at all? It was fast food from McDonalds, not a fine dining experience!

I just like to know the reason for people's actions and thinking. That's why I studied psychology. I never thought that could annoy somebody.

 

 

 

But the plans had already changed, hadn't they? The original place you planned to go to was too expensive, then you both overslept on your spa day. What started as plans to go away over a 4-day holiday weekend ended up as "We decided to just hang out in my neighborhood". I imagine he felt enough of the original plan had changed that it was no big deal for him to stay at his own house when he had to see his family the next day. The real question is why you made such an issue out of this.

That is probably true. The reason I made a big issue about it is that he usually only has time to see me 2 days a week and so when we do have time together, I see it as sacred. 1-2 days a week is already lower than the ideal amount I'd like to meet up. He says things like he wish we could meet more often but his actions say that he wants to just "escape" from me sometimes. I think he already has enough time with his other friends and family.

 

It's clearly stressful for you to be in this r/s with him and, based on his reactions, it appears it is equally stressful on him. It might be time to seriously consider that you two are not a good fit.
I know it but I don't want to believe it :(:( despite all this we do really care about each other...
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MaleIntuition

Not sure if I would classify it as a temper (?), but it sounds like you have some pretty big communication issues.

 

I think he is an introvert (?) while you are an extrovert. That doesn’t have to be a problem, but introverts will in general require more alone-time than extroverts. Based on your description it is also pretty clear that he has a strong preference for practical/logical decisions while your primary preference is towards feeling/value. The issue here seems to be that you both prefer to take decisions while simultaneously both have a primary focus on details rather than the big picture. (He want to take a logical decision: it’s more practical to eat at the restaurant. While you want to take a decision based on what feels best: It’s more cozy at home.) I think the dynamic had been easier if one of you where more of a “bigger pictures” person.

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I also feel like I'm always walking on eggshells. I never know when I'm going to something wrong next. Ugh, this sucks so much. I was single for a long time but after only 3 months my new relationship partner turns out to be incompatible with me??

 

Thanks all for the replies anyways

 

Yes it's incompatibility AND you need to recognize your part in this. You are making a big deal out of nothing, you nag, you pressure, you cry, if you don't try to mature then your next relationship will suffer just the same.

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Cookiesandough

Way too much drama on both sides. Plus he doesn’t really want to see you but he knows you want to then you burst into tears. All because of going out or cooking at home misunderstanding? Doesn’t seem like he’s that into it

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I think he already has enough time with his other friends and family.

 

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what you think. It matters what HE thinks. Do you think you can be a bit controlling? It does seem like you want your way a lot of the time and can't really understand why things don't work the way you want.

 

Just a few examples:

- You don't get why he might want to spend a night alone because he's seeing his family the next day

- You don't understand why his brother wants to hang out with him (perhaps they are friends as well as family)

- You don't understand why he won't pretend your jokes are funny. You do it for him, why doesn't he do it for you?? (For what it's worth, I don't understand why you're pretending to find something funny).

- You think he spends too much time with other people and not enough time with you

- You want to eat at home and when he doesn't, you need an in-depth analysis about it

- Anything goes remotely wrong, you over-react and burst into tears

 

I'm not saying you're a horrible person but I think you need to be a bit more self aware. I understand you want this to work, but sometimes it just doesn't and it's no-ones fault. You feel crap, he (I think) feels crap. No matter how much you like each other, it's far better to be alone or this will destroy your self esteem and end later on anyway.

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At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what you think. It matters what HE thinks. Do you think you can be a bit controlling? It does seem like you want your way a lot of the time and can't really understand why things don't work the way you want.

 

Just a few examples:

- You don't get why he might want to spend a night alone because he's seeing his family the next day

Well, no, I don't see why he would want to be alone instead of asking me to come along. That way we can still be together the time we planned to be together and his transportation will still be convenient.

 

- You don't understand why his brother wants to hang out with him (perhaps they are friends as well as family)

That's not true at all. Of course I get that they want to spend some time together. His brother works long hours and when he gets home (they live together) he likes to have long conversations and play games with my bf. His brother gets annoyed when my bf spends time with me when he's home and he's constantly calling him when we're together. But I always ask my bf about when his brother will be home because I want them to have time together. I'm just saying that my bf has to split his time between the both of us and it's like me and his brother are fighting over him. I want to make plans with my bf but his brother is never sure of his work schedule.

 

- You don't understand why he won't pretend your jokes are funny. You do it for him, why doesn't he do it for you?? (For what it's worth, I don't understand why you're pretending to find something funny).

Maybe I'm weird but I just think that's the polite thing to do. Anyways I already said I was wrong in that situation and should have been more understanding that he might find something offending that I don't.

 

- You think he spends too much time with other people and not enough time with you

I recognize that his friends and family time is very important and I absolutely do not think that he should sacrifice it for me! I just don't want him to take me for granted and recently it feels like meeting me is like some kind of chore since he always wants to change things at the last minute.

 

- You want to eat at home and when he doesn't, you need an in-depth analysis about it

It's not an in-depth analysis, a quick explanation would suffice.

 

- Anything goes remotely wrong, you over-react and burst into tears

Okay, yes, I do have a problem with that. Perhaps I should take some time to cool down when an incident happens and think it over from his perspective and how my crying might make him feel. At the times we fought recently, we were in public places so I wasn't sure what to do. I guess I could go sit outside for a few mins in those situations.

 

I'm not saying you're a horrible person but I think you need to be a bit more self aware. I understand you want this to work, but sometimes it just doesn't and it's no-ones fault. You feel crap, he (I think) feels crap. No matter how much you like each other, it's far better to be alone or this will destroy your self esteem and end later on anyway.

I know I'm oversensitive but I think it's a stretch to say I'm controlling. I do not want to control him, I just don't want him to take me for granted since I'm always available to meet him. And it would be nice if he ever showed excitement about meeting me. But thank you for helping me see it from another perspective, I appreciate it. I know I'm not perfect and guys can see me as suffocating. I want to make more friends so that I can have more of my own life so that my S/O doesn't feel the pressure of being my only source of happiness.

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Well, no, I don't see why he would want to be alone instead of asking me to come along. That way we can still be together the time we planned to be together and his transportation will still be convenient.

 

 

That's not true at all. Of course I get that they want to spend some time together. His brother works long hours and when he gets home (they live together) he likes to have long conversations and play games with my bf. His brother gets annoyed when my bf spends time with me when he's home and he's constantly calling him when we're together. But I always ask my bf about when his brother will be home because I want them to have time together. I'm just saying that my bf has to split his time between the both of us and it's like me and his brother are fighting over him. I want to make plans with my bf but his brother is never sure of his work schedule.

 

 

Maybe I'm weird but I just think that's the polite thing to do. Anyways I already said I was wrong in that situation and should have been more understanding that he might find something offending that I don't.

 

 

I recognize that his friends and family time is very important and I absolutely do not think that he should sacrifice it for me! I just don't want him to take me for granted and recently it feels like meeting me is like some kind of chore since he always wants to change things at the last minute.

 

 

It's not an in-depth analysis, a quick explanation would suffice.

 

 

Okay, yes, I do have a problem with that. Perhaps I should take some time to cool down when an incident happens and think it over from his perspective and how my crying might make him feel. At the times we fought recently, we were in public places so I wasn't sure what to do. I guess I could go sit outside for a few mins in those situations.

 

 

I know I'm oversensitive but I think it's a stretch to say I'm controlling. I do not want to control him, I just don't want him to take me for granted since I'm always available to meet him. And it would be nice if he ever showed excitement about meeting me. But thank you for helping me see it from another perspective, I appreciate it. I know I'm not perfect and guys can see me as suffocating. I want to make more friends so that I can have more of my own life so that my S/O doesn't feel the pressure of being my only source of happiness.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to upset or attack you. But everything you're saying here is that you feel taken for granted and that your bf has so many priorities above you. I get it, I'd want to be somewhere near the top of the list at least some of the time. But the conclusion is the same - this relationship does not work for you and you should get out now before it becomes any more miserable for the pair of you.

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