Jump to content

Am I being fair, or projecting my insecurities onto her?


shadex92

Recommended Posts

I matched this girl on Tinder a few weeks ago. We started talking for the next day and over the next week, with a good bit of flirting so we arranged a date for the next weekend. She cancelled the date at the last minute without a strong reason and barely apologised. My thought was "Screw her". So I decided to ignore her and the next day she texted me apologising and continued to do so all day. I guess I played it cold, and she asked about re-arranging the date. I suggested Friday.

 

So the week before the date we were texting non-stop, she was being extremely flirty, calling me "babe" and sending me "kiss emojis", photos of her family and talking about literally everything. Come Thursday I asked her if "we are still meeting tomorrow?" and she was like "we are"? But then she was like "Oh yeah let's do it". So the next evening she did seem a bit ambivalent.... but we ended up meeting in a bar out near hers. We had good chat's and laughed etc, but when I went to kiss her she refused. Date continued, and then we both left. She continued with the flirty text messages over the weekend.... but because of flaking first time and then refusing the kiss, my conclusion is that she wasn't interested and just wanted the attention, so I decided I wasn't going to text her. She texted me on Monday and we had a brief conversation.

 

I wrote to her last night but she didn't reply for 4 hours (she was out with her friends, but she still usually replies straight away). I was drunk, and texted her saying "hahaha you only text me when you're bored". She was like "what do you mean". And then kind of tried to pin it on me by being like "You don't want to text me, right? You don't have to, don't worry" She also said that I didn't make the most effort this week either.

 

So on that note, I said to her "I arranged the date, and also tried to kiss you... of course my interest and effort is explicit" She just send me a confused emoji in return, as a way to dodge the question. I just replied to her saying "your only response to my statement is a confused emoji, maybe because you have no valid response".

 

So she wrote to me this afternoon, being all like "I don't know etc". Then she became pure friendly and flirty again... I told her she was "cryptic". She's from a different country so didn't understand it, but she translated it and goes "thanks". We're still talking, but I have decided that I am going to just be slightly friendly back and essentially ignore me. If she wants me, she can have me.

 

Now, my conclusion is that I am right. She loves my attention through texting, but is unsure of actual attraction levels and therefore flaked on the date initially + forgot about the 2nd date till I reminded her + rejecting my kiss + dodging my statements about my clear interest. But part of me also thinks that she has actually shown some signs of initiative, but that I feel inferior and insecure to ask her on 2nd date and have sort of taken it out on her. I think it's the former though.

Edited by shadex92
Link to post
Share on other sites

Some people are dodgy because of anxiety. At any rate, if you have to struggle with getting anywhere with someone, do not waste your time. There are no opportunities missed with this type of person...only the other people you could be focusing on.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Cookiesandough
I told her she was "cryptic". She's from a different country so didn't understand it, but she translated it and goes "thanks". We're still talking, but I have decided that I am going to just be slightly friendly back and essentially ignore me. If she wants me, she can have me.

 

Now, my conclusion is that I am right. She loves my attention through texting, but is unsure of actual attraction levels and therefore flaked on the date initially + forgot about the 2nd date till I reminded her + rejecting my kiss + dodging my statements about my clear interest. But part of me also thinks that she has actually shown some signs of initiative, but that I feel inferior and insecure to ask her on 2nd date and have sort of taken it out on her. I think it's the former though.

 

Yea I think you are right with the just going to you because she likes the attn and she knows she has you, she doesn’t really have anything invested, can say a few sweet words and some flirting and you’re right there under her heel again. Jeez how many times is she going to stand you up/blow you off then apologlie and beg before you throw in the towel on this? Doesn’t sound very romantic

Link to post
Share on other sites

When given a choice, I choose both. Yes, you are being fair and, yes, you are projecting your insecurities on to her.

 

I would text her saying it was great having a few laughs but it wasn't going to work and move on. What I would not do is try to teach her a lesson about herself. She's cryptic to you, perhaps, but then again maybe she's perfect for someone else. The good news is that you do not need to give a reason why something isn't working and since you don't need to, the only reason you would is for your OWN reasons.

 

So I would move on with a polite but firm text.

 

Good luck!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Yea I think you are right with the just going to you because she likes the attn and she knows she has you, she doesn’t really have anything invested, can say a few sweet words and some flirting and you’re right there under her heel again. Jeez how many times is she going to stand you up/blow you off then apologlie and beg before you throw in the towel on this? Doesn’t sound very romantic

 

I agree. My plan is to just casually text her back whenever she texts me, but to essentially ignore her.

 

It will be interesting to see if this makes her want me properly. It happened me before with another girl who mainly just liked my attention, when I decided to just ignore her she came to me. Not saying it will, and I probably wouldn't want to date a girl any ways who is so flaky, but would be nice to have something casual perhaps.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I, personally, would have jettisoned her out to the Oort cloud when she flaked on me, but seeing that you are investing in this back and forth with her, I wouldn't send any text that even hinted at wanting to see her again. I'd keep them nebulous and vague on my intention.

 

I think you've more than expressed your interest in her and she's flaking, dodging and vacillating when you do If she wants to see you or go out with you, it's on her--her time, her dime. She will put her interest where her money is and plan and follow through on the date. If not, she will continue to do as she's been doing.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I, personally, would have jettisoned her out to the Oort cloud when she flaked on me, but seeing that you are investing in this back and forth with her, I wouldn't send any text that even hinted at wanting to see her again. I'd keep them nebulous and vague on my intention.

 

I think you've more than expressed your interest in her and she's flaking, dodging and vacillating when you do If she wants to see you or go out with you, it's on her--her time, her dime. She will put her interest where her money is and plan and follow through on the date. If not, she will continue to do as she's been doing.

 

Completely agree.

 

I'm just interested to see what the chances of her actually proposing a date are.... I think there might be slight genuine interest, but that she has other options and sees me as a safe space. I'll find out in the next week any ways.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Cookiesandough
I agree. My plan is to just casually text her back whenever she texts me, but to essentially ignore her.

 

It will be interesting to see if this makes her want me properly. It happened me before with another girl who mainly just liked my attention, when I decided to just ignore her she came to me. Not saying it will, and I probably wouldn't want to date a girl any ways who is so flaky, but would be nice to have something casual perhaps.

 

I’m guessing your plan has a 65% chance of working. Make the replies a little disinterested. The only issue is that there has to be enough attraction there or they will just get frustrated that their bait isn’t working and move on.

 

Someone wrote me this after I behaved in a similar way recently:

 

Dude, why do you do this? You say yes to plans and then your behavior is the complete opposite. Like, what is up with this? Help me understand here. I'm more interested in the psychology behind it than I am frustrated at the mixed signals. Psychology is interesting to me and I seek to understand the people.

 

The “psychology” is low interest. Not necessarily even dating anyone else, but interest is too low to even put in the energy for a date. Not even getting ready. However, I am not hating the option and my agreements are vague, like “yeah, I agree we should meet up again”, so I’m not doing something wrong. I mean maybe, maybe one day I might go out with them? So I’d be lying if I said I was completely uninterested. I think if you can really look at things with clinical detachment and squeeze something casual out of it, by all means, but I would start investing elsewhere if you haven’t already done so.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
The “psychology” is low interest. Not necessarily even dating anyone else, but interest is too low to even put in the energy for a date. Not even getting ready. However, I am not hating the option and my agreements are vague, like “yeah, I agree we should meet up again”, so I’m not doing something wrong. I mean maybe, maybe one day I might go out with them? So I’d be lying if I said I was completely uninterested. I think if you can really look at things with clinical detachment and squeeze something casual out of it, by all means, but I would start investing elsewhere if you haven’t already done so.

 

Interesting... can I ask you to expand on this? For example in your instance was it a lack of physical attraction toward the other person? I know every case is obviously completely subjective.

 

The bit that frustrates me is that her interest seemed genuine at the start. She was saying in text "you're so cute" and when discussing Tinder, she was like "But why have you been on it for 2 years? You don't seem like the type of guy who would struggle to get girls outside of online dating?", and then kiss emojis every night and calling me 'babe' etc.... It's just frustrating that she acted so interested only to not reciprocate in actions.

 

And yes I am going to start investing my time elsewhere.

Edited by shadex92
Link to post
Share on other sites

To me, she just sounds young. With older women, what they do is usually deliberate. With young women, they tend to be not focused, unsure, and inexperienced. Some girls don't know what to do when you go to kiss her, because she hasn't thought about it or anticipated it. Add to that, you yourself seem unsure. So basically there's no one in the driver's seat and the whole thing is confusing.

When you say she's flirting because she likes the attention, you are assuming there is a reason to everything she does. Not.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
To me, she just sounds young. With older women, what they do is usually deliberate. With young women, they tend to be not focused, unsure, and inexperienced. Some girls don't know what to do when you go to kiss her, because she hasn't thought about it or anticipated it. Add to that, you yourself seem unsure. So basically there's no one in the driver's seat and the whole thing is confusing.

When you say she's flirting because she likes the attention, you are assuming there is a reason to everything she does. Not.

 

She's nearly 30, so she's not young and has quite a bit of experience dating.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Cookiesandough

Oops. I went on a tangent. Yes, he’s not my type. Personality-wise and somewhat physically. There’s no way to know why. She might not even know. It’s okay though. No ones a match with everybody

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

No she's not from a conservative country or anything like that, and yes her behavior is proper gas-lighting.

 

I'm not going to initiate contact again. My guess is that she will rationalise in the next week that she's just not that into me, and will go after someone else.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...