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Things are Great....I Think....


lakerman34

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So, I've been seeing this girl since mid-October. She's a doctoral student in the hard sciences at a very prestigious University.

 

We met on Tinder. Slept together the first night. We both thought that it was going to be a one, maybe two times sort of thing. We ended up both catching feelings.

 

Things are going great. She's INCREDIBLY communicative, honest, no games. She even took me to her older sister's destination wedding. Her family reportedly loves me as well.

 

Eventually, there is a good chance we open the relationship up. She's kind of a freak, and I've learned about myself sexually quite a lot with her. We are currently pretty aggressively looking for another lady to join us (just to illustrate the kind of sexual relationship we have). Whenever we talk about the sex, she says, "holy hell it's amazing."

 

We also text incessantly, which I used to hate with previous ladies, but with her I enjoy. I've never trusted anyone as much as I do with her. I know she'll never do anything with anybody else.

 

This is where I worry:

When we hang out, most of the time it's just me at her place, watching movies, listening to music, talking, cooking, playing around. However, the past couple of weeks, she has been asking questions like "what do you have in mind for this weekend?" and it seems that, lately, she wants to attach an activity to whenever we hang out (last week, we did our own little pub crawl, which was nice).

 

I asked her, "hey, it seems like you always want to do activities lately haha. Should I look into what's going on in the city?"

 

She responded (paraphrased):

"I tend to get very bored in relationships. I am currently enjoying you a lot, but I want to start being more active because I know that I get bored very easily. I worry that if we do nothing for too long, I'm going to grow uninterested. I'm not saying that that's happening now, but I'm taking preventative measures."

 

I feel pretty happy that she sees me in the light of "I want to try to keep this exciting," but it also puts the burden on me and sets an expectation of, "keep me excited and happy, or you're gone."

 

Not sure what I'm looking for with this, but maybe some guidance? For what it's worth, a couple of hiccups that have happened along the way in this VERY short time, we were able to talk about it and smoothed it out very easily.

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That's interesting. And yes, you are right to be worried. We all have what Jung called persona, the face that we present to the public. Over time, we share what is behind that persona, if we're lucky, with the ones we love. If she gets bored, what she might mean is that once the dating persona drops, she doesn't like a normal personality and moves on. That may mean that you have to be "on" all the time.

 

My advice is be careful with your feelings and stay with her as long as the joy exceeds the pain. Pay attention to when and if the pain exceeds the joy and move on when it does.

 

But there's a chance that your relationship will show her a new way. People mature and change over time and so that's possible. But they don't change a ton so if she a) sleeps on a first Tinder date, b) requires lots of maintenance sexually and activity wise, and c) has already stated that she gets bored easily - to your face no less - then guard your emotions because there's a good chance it won't last.

 

In the meantime, you can have fun and support each other until it runs its course.

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Cookiesandough

Red flags all over the place. Seems like one of those people who is highly likely to cheat. They grow bored easily and are always looking for the next high/sexual encounter. At least that is what I’m getting from that.

 

Sounds like a nightmare to me. GL

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This is where I worry:

She responded (paraphrased):

"I tend to get very bored in relationships. I am currently enjoying you a lot, but I want to start being more active because I know that I get bored very easily. I worry that if we do nothing for too long, I'm going to grow uninterested. I'm not saying that that's happening now, but I'm taking preventative measures."

 

I have been doing a lot of reading on red flags lately while dating and this is one of them. You could just be entertainment for her and nothing more. There are shades of gray, so time will tell what you are to her. If you feel the pressure to perform, it's not a good sign

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She's definitely not a cheater, not in her DNA. She's very honest, not promiscuous. I highly value my intuition, and my intuition says that I can trust her deeply.

 

However, there is something about the 'pressure of performing.' It's reminiscent of my ex (who was generally pretty terrible towards me), who started not wanting to hang out telling me "if you want to hang out, you need to give me a time, a place, and what we are doing. Just sitting around doing nothing isn't 'hanging out.'"

 

Again, last weekend we went on a pub crawl. This Sunday evening, we are going to a concert. She has lived in this city for almost 7 years now. I have lived in this city for almost 7 months. I don't know where to 'hang out' and what's fun in the city (mostly because I am constantly doing school work, or I'm just hanging out with her).

 

It puts unnecessary pressure on me.

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She responded (paraphrased):

"I tend to get very bored in relationships. I am currently enjoying you a lot, but I want to start being more active because I know that I get bored very easily. I worry that if we do nothing for too long, I'm going to grow uninterested. I'm not saying that that's happening now, but I'm taking preventative measures."

 

I've heard that line before and more than once and both times, it ended badly.

 

Sounds like the kind that only enjoys the highs during the beginning of a relationship and starts to get bored when the relationship starts to settle, normalcy sets in and the newness wears off.

 

I would mark this as a red flag. Keep your emotions and expectations in check. The reality is that the kind of excitement/intensity she is seeking is unrealistic.

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When I told her that I was "half reassured knowing she wanted to make it work, but also half nervous," her response was "sorry, boo." Nothing else.

 

I texted her:

"All I'm saying is, if I feel the pressure to perform, things tend to go sour. I know that from experience. I know it's probably unintentional from you, but know that I will still feel that pressure."

 

Awaiting her response...

 

My next question: how do I hold emotions in check when we've both already let them leak out? If there exists such a way, let me know

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My next question: how do I hold emotions in check when we've both already let them leak out? If there exists such a way, let me know

 

The difference between her emotions and yours is that it seems like she can easily make an exit if her expectations aren't being met. It also makes me wonder what "feelings" mean to her -- it may likely be shallow and driven only by the excitement of a new relationship.

 

You have to try and lower your expectations. But that's difficult to do when you are already emotional about her. It's hard to compartmentalize, at least for me -- when I am already emotional about someone.

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You say she is open and honest and good communicator.

She's probably being a bit too blunt here, but at least she's giving you a heads up.

I would get bored of the same old routine too - especially if all we did was hang out at our places.

 

Plan nice dates out with her from time to time.

Include other people sometimes as well.

A dose of variety and surprise keeps relationships fresh.

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If you want to be with her, you need to listen to what she is saying....she wants more than just sex, she wants adventures, more spontaneity. How hard is that? get off the pot and just do it.

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When I told her that I was "half reassured knowing she wanted to make it work, but also half nervous," her response was "sorry, boo." Nothing else.

 

If she was a good communicator and invested in this, I think she would have had a better response for you.

 

Maybe I'm wrong but I would tread carefully with her.

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OK...clear things up.

 

Emotions are definitely both ways here. Definitely. No question.

 

Lets move on from that.

 

We do much more than sit around the house. It's just, we are both students in nationally top ranked graduate programs. The weekend is the only time we get to be lazy (and, simultaneously, only time we really get to have with each other).

 

Let me put it in perspective: she has a GREAT relationship with her grandmother, who lives 90 minutes away. She is pushing time aside FROM GOING TO SEE HER to hang out with me all day instead. It has been clear for a while now that I am definitely a priority in her life.

 

Anyways.

 

I just explained to her how feeling the pressure to perform would not be good for the relationship. She apologized for making me feel that way, saying I'm great, and she just needs to make sure SHE doesn't get lazy (which I don't really know what it means).

 

I told her we can do yoga in her apartment together, or volunteer together once a week. She seems on board.

 

Another thing about this relationship -- in a lot of ways, I feel like I have become the teacher. She (and I, too) has grown very jaded from past relationship failures. I think I have to unteach her in a lot of ways and show her that there IS hope for a happy relationship (she got out of a relationship a little less than a year ago that I think really hurt her bad -- she cared a lot for the guy, and he randomly breaks up with her via text).

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I think I have to unteach her in a lot of ways and show her that there IS hope for a happy relationship (she got out of a relationship a little less than a year ago that I think really hurt her bad -- she cared a lot for the guy, and he randomly breaks up with her via text).

 

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

 

You are not her teacher. You are her potential partner. If she wants to know more about some music you listen to, you can teach her that. But teaching someone how to have a happy relationship? OMG. Please save yourself and her the heartache of thinking that is a) your role or b) something that you're any good at.

 

be with her. Make her happy and let her make you happy. And when that stops and can't be fixed, end the relationship. And hope that it never stops so that you never have to end the relationship. If you can do JUST that, you will be better than 99.5% of the population of this marble we call earth.

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Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

 

You are not her teacher. You are her potential partner. If she wants to know more about some music you listen to, you can teach her that. But teaching someone how to have a happy relationship? OMG. Please save yourself and her the heartache of thinking that is a) your role or b) something that you're any good at.

 

be with her. Make her happy and let her make you happy. And when that stops and can't be fixed, end the relationship. And hope that it never stops so that you never have to end the relationship. If you can do JUST that, you will be better than 99.5% of the population of this marble we call earth.

 

Maybe I didn't say what I wanted to say properly.

 

I'm not TEACHING her to do anything. I'm not using the word literally.

 

To illustrate: I used to think homosexuality was a confusing, horrible thing (not true -- just using to illustrate). This part is true: I ended up living with a homosexual married couple completely by accident, and I learned more about love than I ever did from my own parents! They TAUGHT me about love. Get it?

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It puts unnecessary pressure on me.

 

Planning fun stuff puts pressure on you? :laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

Have you ever experienced any real pressure in LIFE?

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I enjoyed your post...it hits the nail on the head for me...I like excitement too...I guess it is because I get really excited when I am with someone I really like/love and want to do all the things I normally don't "get to" when I am single...the world becomes alive for me and my partner in my eyes...it is my oyster at that point--I don't really have much of interest in experiencing it without someone else, I guess is what I just figured out...maybe she wants to have those memories with you? Maybe she is excited to be around you and has always wanted a partner to experience things with...that's how I am...it's funny how liking your partner means wanting to do new things with them and experience the world with them...weird, huh?! LOL. Good luck...keep planning periodically and let her know that you are open to her making plans too...maybe she is waiting to hear you say you would love to see what she could do if she planned the night--just don't whine about it...or you will never get her to open up again--no man has ever understood that about me...haha.:rolleyes: Could be, she needs to know you have her back when she plans something, like how she is always down to go with you when you make plans...get it...?

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P.S.

I highly doubt she gets bored--if she is anything like me...she won't give a man the time of day deep down inside because he never shows complete, undivided interest and enthusiasm for anything she plans--it is about opening your world up to her...will you care enough to follow her around and have a great time with her the same way she follows you around when you make plans and is enthusiastic--because she is WITH you...I swear, men can be clueless sometimes--but, nobody has ever ever ever gotten that about me...still single and will die single because of this very very important rule--you have to be enthusiastic about HER when she initiates plans, so that way she knows you are TRULY into her...probably shouldn't have spilled the beans on that one...players everywhere are going to eat that up...but I figure one woman out there deserves to have a real shot at happiness--treat her good!

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Planning fun stuff puts pressure on you? :laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

Have you ever experienced any real pressure in LIFE?

 

I get what he's saying. When I go on the first couple of dates, there's a lot of pressure on a guy to come up with the plan and time and whatnot. That pressure is good...guys that fail at that just make my dating skills look better. But eventually it is nice to be able to just be together without having to come up with an agenda. To always have something new and interesting is a lot of pressure. Maybe not the kind you feel with kids, finances, the world environment, the Middle East, and the like, but pressure nonetheless.

 

Maybe I didn't say what I wanted to say properly.

 

I'm not TEACHING her to do anything. I'm not using the word literally.

 

To illustrate: I used to think homosexuality was a confusing, horrible thing (not true -- just using to illustrate). This part is true: I ended up living with a homosexual married couple completely by accident, and I learned more about love than I ever did from my own parents! They TAUGHT me about love. Get it?

 

I understand what you are saying but the reason you were uncomfortable around homosexuality was because of your parents actively teaching you something or failing to teach you something. That is not true with your potential partner. She is a grown adult. You are teaching her what a good relationship is because teaching NECESSARILY requires the teacher to be at a higher state when compared to the student, even if only temporarily.

 

I think what you mean, though, is that maybe you should just be patient and let her come out of her shell when she feels safe. That is true. It also may be a very long road. One that may be worth traveling but long nonetheless.

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  • 4 weeks later...
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Forgot about this thread.

 

I thought this post was funny, and unfortunately, LS is filled with them. You know NOTHING about me.

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planning fun stuff puts pressure on you? :laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

Have you ever experienced any real pressure in life?

 

hahahahaha.

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I get what he's saying. When I go on the first couple of dates, there's a lot of pressure on a guy to come up with the plan and time and whatnot. That pressure is good...guys that fail at that just make my dating skills look better. But eventually it is nice to be able to just be together without having to come up with an agenda. To always have something new and interesting is a lot of pressure. Maybe not the kind you feel with kids, finances, the world environment, the Middle East, and the like, but pressure nonetheless.

 

 

 

I understand what you are saying but the reason you were uncomfortable around homosexuality was because of your parents actively teaching you something or failing to teach you something. That is not true with your potential partner. She is a grown adult. You are teaching her what a good relationship is because teaching NECESSARILY requires the teacher to be at a higher state when compared to the student, even if only temporarily.

 

I think what you mean, though, is that maybe you should just be patient and let her come out of her shell when she feels safe. That is true. It also may be a very long road. One that may be worth traveling but long nonetheless.

 

Love this post. You understand where I'm coming from.

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So, about 2 weeks ago, my girlfriend randomly asked me if she could plan a trip. We ended up visiting her parents last weekend, and it was wonderful. I really enjoyed it (although I still don't really like hanging out w/ parents for an extended amount of time...I feel as if I'm being very closely examined).

 

With THAT being said, things are really going great, for the most part. During that trip, my girlfriend said something that I really took to heart: "Make sure your next place is big enough so I can move in at some point, OK?"

 

However, not ALL things are going great. For example, this weekend, she seemed off -- I know that she is going through a lot with work and other things, but she sort of just shuts down, and doesn't want to talk about anything. At times, she'll say I did something that irks her, but she always follows it up with an apologetic text a few hours later.

 

She's at work right now. We didn't get to hang out much this weekend -- mostly b/c her concert last night went 1.5 hours too long, and I slept in this morning. She seemed pretty standoffish.

 

I'm currently still at her place and will be leaving soon. We won't be seeing each other next weekend either because she will be out of town.

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heavenonearth
She apologized for making me feel that way, saying I'm great, and she just needs to make sure SHE doesn't get lazy (which I don't really know what it means). .

 

I kinda get what she means. My boyfriend and I are BOTH like this.

When we hang out, we always want it to be quality time, and not time wasted doing nothing. At the same time, it is the only time we have in the week where we can truly relax, and sometimes you just don't feel like going anywhere and just want to stay on the couch and cuddle.

 

Right now, my boyfriend is super busy and when we see each other we don't go out much. It's a bit annoying to me, because I always want to be active and do something out in the city when we are together.

 

But I would NEVER EVER tell him that I will be bored and dump him if he does not want to go out with me. That's ridiculous.

 

So just so you know -- there is a red flag here with your girl. Her feelings may not be strong enough to withhold anything that follows the honeymoon stage.

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