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dating and PTSD


starflower

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I would love to hear advice about dating with mild to severe PTSD if anyone here has some experience with this. I have been divorced since 2012 and have had one dating experience which was difficult, but I have learned a lot from it.

 

I am pretty discouraged though. For the first time I am feeling really defeated by it. Dating in general is hard anyway. I would love to be more approachable, but the ptsd kicks in and I cannot make eye contact. I just want to run and hide :) It's been too long though. Two of my love languages is touch and quality time. Although I really need my alone time to unwind from too much outside stimulation, I am going crazy from not enough human contact because I also am agoraphobic. I did just join the YMCA recently, so it feels good to be around people even though I am not necessarily talking to anyone. I just need to start somewhere

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I was diagnosed as having developed PTSD after my parents died. I lost dozens of other people, my dog & my childhood home around the same time. It was awful.

 

I needed time to sort through it. I was married but not good company.

 

My husband is a combat trained Marine vet has lots of friends who have what he calls "real" PTSD but that is a vet's perspective. He didn't understand why I developed it but he recognized that I needed time, space & support. It's tough to get that from a new person in your life. A new SO can't be a therapist.

 

 

Continue going to the Y & self soothe Then you can date again but maybe not just yet

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Happy Lemming

Give yourself some credit!! You stated you were agoraphobic, but you joined the YMCA and got out there.

 

The way I approach a fear is to take it one step at a time. Face it and take its power away.

 

I was working on a two story house roof and fell off. I landed in a bush and was not hurt. After that I was petrified to go back on any roof. So, I took it slowly. Step by step back up a ladder. Then I got on a 1 story, got comfortable with that. And eventually went back to the house with the two story roof.

 

You are basically doing the same thing. My one step at a time was more literal, but you are making strides.

 

First the YMCA, then the coffee shop, then maybe a book store. Expand your travels, face it one step at a time. Then talk to people, when that feels comfortable, ask someone out on a date.

 

One step at a time... You are doing great, so far. Keep up the good work.

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I was diagnosed as having developed PTSD after my parents died. I lost dozens of other people, my dog & my childhood home around the same time. It was awful.

 

I needed time to sort through it. I was married but not good company.

 

My husband is a combat trained Marine vet has lots of friends who have what he calls "real" PTSD but that is a vet's perspective. He didn't understand why I developed it but he recognized that I needed time, space & support. It's tough to get that from a new person in your life. A new SO can't be a therapist.

 

 

Continue going to the Y & self soothe Then you can date again but maybe not just yet

 

d0nnivain I am so sorry to hear about your painful experience. Some things are tough to recover from and it effects you the rest of your life. I understand why some people have a hard time seeing how pstd can develop other than what a vet has to go through, but people can come from terrifying backrounds. Regardless of circumstance, ptsd develops for a number of reasons and I am happy to hear your SO gives you the space you need although he doesn't understand why.

 

 

 

It's funny, I know I am not ready to date quite yet, but I may be this way the rest of my life. So I just need to figure out how to do this. And finding someone who is ok with my need to hide for awhile lol

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Hide a little longer but do make it a point to go outside every day & keep working out at the Y. Getting out gave me the strength & the motivation to keep going outside. That first step can be the hardest. But what you are supposed to learn is that outside isn't as scary or bad as you thought & that it is actually better then hiding. Eventually you stop wanting to hide so much.

 

However, I am triggering today & hiding. I know I have to go to a funeral later today & it's freaking me out. So it is 2 steps forward one step back sometimes.

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Give yourself some credit!! You stated you were agoraphobic, but you joined the YMCA and got out there.

 

The way I approach a fear is to take it one step at a time. Face it and take its power away.

 

I was working on a two story house roof and fell off. I landed in a bush and was not hurt. After that I was petrified to go back on any roof. So, I took it slowly. Step by step back up a ladder. Then I got on a 1 story, got comfortable with that. And eventually went back to the house with the two story roof.

 

You are basically doing the same thing. My one step at a time was more literal, but you are making strides.

 

First the YMCA, then the coffee shop, then maybe a book store. Expand your travels, face it one step at a time. Then talk to people, when that feels comfortable, ask someone out on a date.

 

One step at a time... You are doing great, so far. Keep up the good work.

 

Happy Lemming thank you it feels good to hear that. Falling off your roof is terrifying! And you were lucky to not be hurt. I really get what you are saying about taking baby steps. I had a really cool therapist talk to me about baby steps being the best way to face a fear. Our brain is wired to respond to baby steps.

 

 

 

I do have a habit of trying something social only to give up on it really quickly. I actually paid the Y three months in advance to hopefully solve this problem. One other thing that is driving me now is also the length of time it has been since I have been romantic with someone. I miss the bond and intimacy. I also miss having sex on a regular basis. It makes me sad that I can see opportunities to strike up conversations with men where there may be a mutual attraction, when I just freeze up and then maybe give him the wrong idea.

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Happy Lemming
It makes me sad that I can see opportunities to strike up conversations with men where there may be a mutual attraction, when I just freeze up and then maybe give him the wrong idea.

 

Then rehearse what you are going to say... I'll give you some examples:

 

If you are in a bookstore, ask the man (you are interested in) Have you read this author (while holding up a book)?? If he says no, then ask him could he recommend an author or what is his favorite author?? If he says yes, then ask him "Did you like this author??", "What is his writing style??" If the gentleman is interested, he'll keep the conversation going. Then go have a cup of coffee... [one step at a time]

 

If you are in a grocery store,(find a man you are interested in) Look in his cart and ask him what aisle he found (a particular item). Then ask him how does he prepare said item, etc. Again, if you break the ice and the guy is interested, he'll keep the conversation going. A lot of grocery stores have a little coffee cafe in them, ask him how he likes his coffee and then go have a cup... [one step at a time]

 

I actually had one lady come up to me at a grocery store, because I looked like a TV actor. We struck up a conversation, etc.

 

If you rehearse what you are going to say, you won't be tongue tied. Practice in a mirror... You can do it!!

 

If these ideas don't appeal to you, let me know. I've got plenty of "real life" scenarios that I used to "break the ice" and start conversations with.

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I've got plenty of "real life" scenarios that I used to "break the ice" and start conversations with.

 

I don't doubt that at all ;) And I need a good coach, since it seems I have lost a lot of social skills over the years. I am not going to give up on this

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You don't have to be the most sparkling witty conversationalist to keep the conversation going. You just have to talk about anything. Most people are so hung up on what they are going to say next or how they will try to impress you, they are unaware if you stumble trying to keep their interest.

 

 

A smile can also over come a lot.

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It's funny, I know I am not ready to date quite yet, but I may be this way the rest of my life. So I just need to figure out how to do this. And finding someone who is ok with my need to hide for awhile lol

 

So I have c-PTSD and feel not ready to date. I put up an online profile and was honest with guys telling them I was not ready for dating because I can be akward and really needed to work on coming out of my shell some so am “pre-dating” to learn skills but just looking for people to hang out with so I can learn to get more comfortable with myself.

 

The guys I ended up chatting with were good about it.

I hate dressing up, having eyes on me and such, so I let them know I was going to dress comfy and I only made plans to do stuff I feel comfy doing. For ex, restaurants such for me as I don’t like staring at each other with pressured conversation. I rather share an activity like mini golf or such where we are focused on other stuff some and also moving around vs static.

 

Most of them upon initial chatting, were grateful to be speaking to a kind female who was not playing games with them, who had no secret agenda, and I had some fun getting to know a couple of guys. Yet one insisted he thought I would be ready to date thinking he was wonderful enough to change my mind, lol. Even still, imo, it was good experience to learn how to handle that. It also took a lot of pressure off of me by insisting I was not ready to date, but am ok say, going biking with someone. I have learned a lot on boundaries which helps me know what I am ok with and not ok with and such and it felt easier to practice this stuff as I was consistently clear: I am not ready for a relationship as I need to get comfy with me and my self stuff is my priority at this point.

Edited by Brieanna
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You don't have to be the most sparkling witty conversationalist to keep the conversation going. You just have to talk about anything. Most people are so hung up on what they are going to say next or how they will try to impress you, they are unaware if you stumble trying to keep their interest.

 

 

A smile can also over come a lot.

 

yes you're right and a smile really warms a person's heart. I will just try to relax about it. And I will never really be a witty conversationalist anyway :) When I talk to someone I don't want them to feel pressure to be anything other than who they are. When I was younger, I was typically attracted to the overtly narcissistic guy. At the time I got so swept up in the facade and their delusional game. Now I am so turned on by men who are completely transparent and are open about their strengths and weaknesses. Their true self.

 

 

 

I know you had to go to a funeral yesterday and I hope you got through it ok <3

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So I have c-PTSD and feel not ready to date. I put up an online profile and was honest with guys telling them I was not ready for dating because I can be akward and really needed to work on coming out of my shell some so am “pre-dating” to learn skills but just looking for people to hang out with so I can learn to get more comfortable with myself.

 

The guys I ended up chatting with were good about it.

I hate dressing up, having eyes on me and such, so I let them know I was going to dress comfy and I only made plans to do stuff I feel comfy doing. For ex, restaurants such for me as I don’t like staring at each other with pressured conversation. I rather share an activity like mini golf or such where we are focused on other stuff some and also moving around vs static.

 

Most of them upon initial chatting, were grateful to be speaking to a kind female who was not playing games with them, who had no secret agenda, and I had some fun getting to know a couple of guys. Yet one insisted he thought I would be ready to date thinking he was wonderful enough to change my mind, lol. Even still, imo, it was good experience to learn how to handle that. It also took a lot of pressure off of me by insisting I was not ready to date, but am ok say, going biking with someone. I have learned a lot on boundaries which helps me know what I am ok with and not ok with and such and it felt easier to practice this stuff as I was consistently clear: I am not ready for a relationship as I need to get comfy with me and my self stuff is my priority at this point.

 

this is great that you did this! It's a perfect way to date without calling it a date. And would really ease the pressure. I think that by you being so up front from the beginning, helps to see who is ok with the cptsd. I also don't like traditional dating in any way. I would be cool with any regular and casual activity just to get to know him. In fact my brother's first date with his wife was helping her bake a cake. I always loved that.

 

You said that you are learning a lot about boundaries and you found an excellent way to put that into practice

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  • 2 weeks later...
Life_Hope_Love

I know it can be so hard to start again. It seems like you've grown a lot and are ready to move forward. Baby steps :) I have learned to really be aware of how I am feeling by checking in and not pushing myself emotionally too far. Having a great support system like a pastor, forums like these and solid family/friends can help a lot. Keep going because you're doing awesome!

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