4 years - Open relationship

[AlnessGuy93]

Me and my girlfriend have been dating for 4 years (no off parts) I do love her with all my heart, emotionally we are connected but sexually her drive is so high she wants it every day but I do not I am happy with once a week or less sounds bad I know.

 

Around the 2 year mark we got into swinging and both really loved it as I enjoy to watch and she gets it as much as she wants so win win, along with me joining in to every now and again and it never put a strain on our relationship.

However recently my drive has gone down even more due to work stress and life in general along with she works days and I work nights.

 

She has expressed an interest in an open relationship with only the sex part so all the emotional connection is with me, and quite honestly I don't care what she does physically with other, we have talked about rules such as safe, no kissing, communication, no staying over, no regular guys ect..

 

My question is, is there something wrong with me that I honestly have got no positive or negative feelings towards this?

[central]

An open relationship can exist for any number of reasons. Obviously, mismatched sex drives in an otherwise great relationship is one. Clearly, if you can't accept that she wants and needs this, you will almost certainly lose the relationship, sooner or later. If you do accept this, there is a chance that she'll meet someone who is a better match for her, rules or no rules. There is a risk, but it's less than if you don't.

 

I think your rules are too restrictive, though. Kissing is a normal part of sex, and is common for both swinging and open relationships, in my experience. As for regular guys, I think you need to define what that means. A known quantity is often safer than a succession of new men. It might be best for her to have a few guys she can call, but not see any one many times in succession, if that will lessen your concerns.

 

We've had an open relationship for 18 years. I had one frequent FWB for over 5 years. My wife is less interested in the arrangement, and has a few guys she's seen a few times a year. The big difference for us is that we are both high drive, have sex about daily, are still nuts about each other, and just like some variety. Our relationship is as solid as they get, so we're not concerned about our other playmates, and if there are any insecurities now and then, we can just talk through them. YMMV.

[dichotomy]

Central,

 

maybe this would help OP.... what are common/normal or helpful rules in open relationships or swinging ?

 

or is about no rules - but a rock solid connection and bond between the couple?

[central]

Central,

 

maybe this would help OP.... what are common/normal or helpful rules in open relationships or swinging ?

 

or is about no rules - but a rock solid connection and bond between the couple?

 

A rock solid connection can prevent a lot of potential issues. You can expect some insecurities to develop occasionally, and sometimes you will be jealous. Those are your issues to own, and are usually based on fear of losing your relationship. Good communication and mutual reassurance go a long way towards defusing these feelings.

 

As for rules, I think the fewer the better. You will probably start with too many, and as your confidence grows that the agreement can work, you can dispose of some. Realize that an open relationship is different than a poly relationship, too. In the latter, feelings are expected to develop and are kind of the point - loving many. An open relationship is mostly about the sex, but can certainly involve friendship. However, if romantic feelings develop, it is best to end that relationship immediately, unless you change your minds about what you want. You can have a veto rule, where you can nix any particular lover if you feel particularly threatened, but usually talking things through will get you over any such concern unless there is a good reason to insist on a veto. Of course, your partner can decide to ignore the veto, in which case you have to decide to let that one go, or end the relationship.

 

Don't expect to meet her lovers, or be their friend. This is only sometimes advisable if you go the poly route, or decide to participate in a threesome. Do expect to be informed in advance of any plans she makes with someone else, so you can make your own plans for when she's out. Do NOT expect to hear any details - in fact, it's a bad idea and will only increase your anxiety. It's good to have friends or activities you can pursue at those times she's out, as it's not good to sit alone and dwell on what she's doing - it's self-destructive and will only create problems in your relationship if you act on them. Yes, communication is very, very important, but avoid creating problems for yourself.

 

I don't know how deep and solid your relationship is, OP, but you are clearly sexually incompatible. Normally, I would say end the relationship and find someone who is a better match in this way. Clearly, you'd rather not, at least at this time, and so having an open relationship may work for you. Only time and experience will let you determine if this can work long term. Good luck!

 

P.S. It is often a good idea to schedule your own date once a week, where you focus on each other, spend quality time together, and have sex.

Edited February 15, 2018 by central

[Gaeta]

First thing first: How old are you? I don't think it's normal that a healthy male has such a low libido. Have you had your level of testosterone checked?

[smackie9]

If it works for the both of you, then have at'er.

[FilterCoffee]

You should go through this thread OP. I guess it helps that you guys have tried swinging before but the above thread highlights some of the complicated emotions the woman can feel.

[AlnessGuy93]

Well, most of the rules were set by her as she thinks kissing should be intimate with your partner and doesnt see it as a part of sex at all, I am 24 and she is 20.

 

I guessed I was going to get "leave" or it's not right but i've seen it work.

[snowboy91]

She has expressed an interest in an open relationship with only the sex part so all the emotional connection is with me, and quite honestly I don't care what she does physically with other, we have talked about rules such as safe, no kissing, communication, no staying over, no regular guys ect..

 

My question is, is there something wrong with me that I honestly have got no positive or negative feelings towards this?

 

I don't think there's any need for self judgement here. It sounds like you're comfortable with her doing her thing, and the rules seem to be agreed on by both of you. If there is a need for those rules to change, then you need to communicate about it.

 

The fact you don't feel anything negative about it suggests it may actually turn out to be an arrangement you will be very happy with. In which case go for it! But, if it ends up making you feel uncomfortable later, you need to be absolutely ready to speak up about how you feel about it.

[joseb]

Well, most of the rules were set by her as she thinks kissing should be intimate with your partner and doesnt see it as a part of sex at all, I am 24 and she is 20.

 

I guessed I was going to get "leave" or it's not right but i've seen it work.

 

I second Gaeta's post. You may want to have your t levels checkd and rule out something medical at play.

 

Unless you are just not really sexually attracted to this girl (do you mastebate, for example?)

[DKT3]

Well, most of the rules were set by her as she thinks kissing should be intimate with your partner and doesnt see it as a part of sex at all, I am 24 and she is 20.

 

I guessed I was going to get "leave" or it's not right but i've seen it work.

 

Wow, that's pretty young to handle the complex nature of these kinds of relationships especially on her part.