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Would you be upset?


Annalie

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The guy I have been seeing has been wonderful to me but he also has some weird habits which drives me crazy. The most recent thing:

 

A week ago he told me he wanted to see me for V day. I dont celebrate V day and dont want to make a big deal of it. But he insisted and he said" i got you something" Ok, I said we can spend that day/evening together.

 

So the day comes, and i have been so busy and realized i didnt get him anything (had no idea what to get him, plus I am broke). I felt so bad, I. went online looking for a last minute gift. Found some aftershave set at sephora but it was too expensive (I almost drove there at 4pm just to have something).

 

I ended up telling him to come over to my place. I bought drinks and ordered delivery food for us. I also got some snacks and chocolates.

He finally shows up with... flowers and a bottle of wine....

 

I couldnt hide the disappointment. Nothing wrong with the flowers but he said "i got something for you a week ago." which obviously wasn't true. He said the same thing a day before V day... I even asked what the gift... I cant imagine if I actually bothered to go get him last minute gift and he just picked something up on his way to my house.:confused::confused::confused:

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You told him you didn't want to celebrate Valentine's Day. He may have taken it back & gotten you these low pressure tokens instead.

 

You are doing the classic damned if he does, damned if he doesn't thing to this poor guy. You said no to V-day; he went low key & now you're annoyed because it wasn't thoughtful enough. So not fair.

 

Pick a side of Valentine's & stick to it. Either you want 'em to fuss & go all out or you want low key but don't say you want nothing & then pout when you get it.

 

If you are broke you still could have gotten him a bag of M&Ms & card or just been intimate with him. Very few men would be disappointed with dinner & sex.

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todreaminblue

maybe he got the wine a week ago...did he buy you a card.....you said he is wonderful to you .....is there another habit you find weird ...i don't find what he did weird....maybe dishonest.....a white lie maybe he intended to buy you something but got way laid on that plan and felt ashamed he didnt....what he gave you is a pretty traditional valentines day gift for any man to give his gf or wife........can i ask you honestly what you thought it might be he would buy?

 

you didnt buy an expensive gift ....honestly i would feel relief he didnt go all out...because then you would feel guilt for not doing the same yourself when you couldnt really afford to and thought about at the very last minute.........guilt is far worse to feel.....and he thought about you last week ...and made sure to spend valentines with you....

 

i do want to know ...smilin...did you have a nice night...do some little smooches....;0)..watch a really cool movie..feed each other treats......do tell.....i hope that gift he gave you which was actually quite traditional and old school.... didnt spoil your night...because that would really be a shame if it did....deb

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You told him you didn't want to celebrate Valentine's Day. He may have taken it back & gotten you these low pressure tokens instead.

 

You are doing the classic damned if he does, damned if he doesn't thing to this poor guy. You said no to V-day; he went low key & now you're annoyed because it wasn't thoughtful enough. So not fair.

 

Pick a side of Valentine's & stick to it. Either you want 'em to fuss & go all out or you want low key but don't say you want nothing & then pout when you get it.

 

If you are broke you still could have gotten him a bag of M&Ms & card or just been intimate with him. Very few men would be disappointed with dinner & sex.

I didnt say specifically I dont celebrate. I said i might be busy and also said i dont want to go out because it will be crowded. Was I right? I went to pick up the food I ordered but it was so busy, and the food was not ready so i hanged my order to be delivered instead. Anyway, i ended up spending more than he did which I really dont mind (wasnt too much). just the fact he mentioned he got me something. He also mentioned in on Tuesday night (that he got something for me).

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. I dont celebrate V day and dont want to make a big deal of it. But he insisted and he said" i got you something" Ok, I said we can spend that day/evening together.

 

I didnt say specifically I dont celebrate. I said i might be busy and also said i dont want to go out because it will be crowded. Was I right? I went to pick up the food I ordered but it was so busy, and the food was not ready so i hanged my order to be delivered instead. Anyway, i ended up spending more than he did which I really dont mind (wasnt too much). just the fact he mentioned he got me something. He also mentioned in on Tuesday night (that he got something for me).

 

You said in your initial post that you don't celebrate. Now you are saying that you didn't say that to him. Again, if how your post here is indicative of your communications style, it's unclear & contradictory.

 

The fact that you are running a calculator in your head -- you spent more on food then he spent on your wine & flowers -- is problematic in & of itself. Relationships don't operate off balance sheets in a tit for tat manner.

 

He may have bought the wine & flowers on Tuesday or at least order the flowers Tuesday.

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maybe he got the wine a week ago...did he buy you a card.....you said he is wonderful to you .....is there another habit you find weird ...i don't find what he did weird....maybe dishonest.....a white lie maybe he intended to buy you something but got way laid on that plan and felt ashamed he didnt....what he gave you is a pretty traditional valentines day gift for any man to give his gf or wife........can i ask you honestly what you thought it might be he would buy?

 

you didnt buy an expensive gift ....honestly i would feel relief he didnt go all out...because then you would feel guilt for not doing the same yourself when you couldnt really afford to and thought about at the very last minute.........guilt is far worse to feel.....and he thought about you last week ...and made sure to spend valentines with you....

 

i do want to know ...smilin...did you have a nice night...do some little smooches....;0)..watch a really cool movie..feed each other treats......do tell.....i hope that gift he gave you which was actually quite traditional and old school.... didnt spoil your night...because that would really be a shame if it did....deb

 

Thank you for a reply. It did spoiled my evening a little. We watched the movie and kept calling the restaurant since our was 2 hours late. We snuggled on my couch, and he went home when the movie was over. I did feel a relief on one hand, on the other I spent the entire afternoon searching for a gift (I know my fault it was last minute.) And the only reason i didnt go to sephora was becuase i felt it was cheesy that aftershave set (and expensive but that was more or less important at that point). So I thought relaxing dinner and drinks would be better.

 

Also, he showed up wearing some old sweatpants with clorox discoloration on them (he dresses decently when we go out). I had my jeans and tshirt on (we are pretty casual but stains???) Yea, it kinda ruined my night.

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No, I wouldn't be upset. He did get you something, just like he said. You claim you don't want to make a big deal out of Valentines day, yet you're disappointed he didn't get you a bigger present. It seems like a lot of women act all aloof like they can't care less about V day, yet they expect their men to see through this facade, do some mind reading and get them presents + do something "romantic" anyway. It's like they can't win.

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Also, he showed up wearing some old sweatpants with clorox discoloration on them (he dresses decently when we go out). I had my jeans and tshirt on (we are pretty casual but stains???) Yea, it kinda ruined my night.

 

Now that would have upset me.

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You said in your initial post that you don't celebrate. Now you are saying that you didn't say that to him. Again, if how your post here is indicative of your communications style, it's unclear & contradictory.

 

The fact that you are running a calculator in your head -- you spent more on food then he spent on your wine & flowers -- is problematic in & of itself. Relationships don't operate off balance sheets in a tit for tat manner.

 

He may have bought the wine & flowers on Tuesday or at least order the flowers Tuesday.

I am sorry if that came off that way. I am not running calculations in my head who spent what... just the fact that I went into panic mode and felt so bad for not buying anything... and then it turned out he did the exact same thing.

My idea was not to celebrate and just to maybe go out for drinks or anything just not gifts. But he insisted and i said ok. I didnt really expressed my feelings about the holiday to him. I was more like "V day,... yeah... idk, I might be busy."

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No, I wouldn't be upset. He did get you something, just like he said. You claim you don't want to make a big deal out of Valentines day, yet you're disappointed he didn't get you a bigger present. It seems like a lot of women act all aloof like they can't care less about V day, yet they expect their men to see through this facade, do some mind reading and get them presents + do something "romantic" anyway. It's like they can't win.

If he said "come on, i just wanna see you on that day" And then showed up with flowers i would be over the moon. even without flowers... he wanted to be with me. But he announced this "surprise" days in advance and set me up for a dissapointment.

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So your issue has a solution -- clear communication about expectations around the next holiday or next year.

 

I get it. You couldn't pay me to out to dinner on Valentine's Day. DH & I ordered a heart shaped pizza. That was the extent of the celebration. I'm an observant Catholic who doesn't like fish so coming up with a meatless Valentine's meal was a challenge.

 

As I explained it another post I want a big fuss on my birthday. It took my husband a while to figure out what that meant even though he'd seen it through my previous birthdays & how all my friends deal with celebrations. While it initially wasn't his thing, he has since gotten with the program & has enjoyed the largess bestowed upon him.

 

It really is all about making your expectations clear in advance.

Edited by d0nnivain
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todreaminblue
Thank you for a reply. It did spoiled my evening a little. We watched the movie and kept calling the restaurant since our was 2 hours late. We snuggled on my couch, and he went home when the movie was over. I did feel a relief on one hand, on the other I spent the entire afternoon searching for a gift (I know my fault it was last minute.) And the only reason i didnt go to sephora was becuase i felt it was cheesy that aftershave set (and expensive but that was more or less important at that point). So I thought relaxing dinner and drinks would be better.

 

Also, he showed up wearing some old sweatpants with clorox discoloration on them (he dresses decently when we go out). I had my jeans and tshirt on (we are pretty casual but stains???) Yea, it kinda ruined my night.

 

im really sorry that it spoilt your night and things went wrong for you with the food and him wearing stained clothes.....what is clorax is it bleach....or urine...does he work as a cleaner?

 

i have some advice for you ...i dont celebrate valentines by the way....but i do have some advice....as lorenza said men arent mind readers.....they dont know what we want......because quite often as it is our prerogative....we change our minds anyway.....leaving them confused and unsure of what they did wrong....you have to tell them .....with logical thoughts on what you expect and what you would like...guys who know what to get their women and do for their women on valentines day i would give you a 9 out of ten probability they have been told by the woman they love what they want subliminally with hints and catalogues left lying around with circled stuff in it..or wish lists left open ont he computer...... and surprisingly outright...with being told.....yep we are going out to dinner.......or have found out the hard way with much confusion and hung heads through trial and error...

 

make sure you decide what you want...casual or formal.....gift or outing...and let the guy know.....other wise its another man who has to learn the hard way through disappointed hopes from the woman he loves...men try...lol...they really do ...we are smarter....and also more unpredictable....men are predictable....

 

 

next time maybe have dinner in not order out...buy beautiful produce and ask him to make dinner or you cook it for him....give him hints so he can then think he came up with what to buy you all by himself...and when you get what you really wanted.... you smile at him ...but smile wider....because you know the guy tries his best....

 

find those track pants offer to do his washing for him one day...and dye them flouro pink.....he wont wear them again in your presence....

 

what matters more than valentines day ...:0)...is he is wonderful to you...hold onto that....and be wonderful to him by being kind when he tries but disappoints you.......talk to him more communicate what you like and what you dont....and if that doesnt work...try stealth mode and pink flouro dye.....i wish you well.....smilin atcha...deb.......

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If he said "come on, i just wanna see you on that day" And then showed up with flowers i would be over the moon. even without flowers... he wanted to be with me. But he announced this "surprise" days in advance and set me up for a dissapointment.

 

Since when flowers & wine is not a 'surprise'? It's a surprise AND it's a gift too. For a woman that don't like Valentines your reaction is puzzling to me.

 

 

Sounds like you haven't been dating him for long, the stained sweat pants are probably just another one of his weird habits you're discovering. Tell him with a light and teasing tone you don't want to see him wearing those again.

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im really sorry that it spoilt your night and things went wrong for you with the food and him wearing stained clothes.....what is clorax is it bleach....or urine...does he work as a cleaner?

 

i have some advice for you ...i dont celebrate valentines by the way....but i do have some advice....as lorenza said men arent mind readers.....they dont know what we want......because quite often as it is our prerogative....we change our minds anyway.....leaving them confused and unsure of what they did wrong....you have to tell them .....with logical thoughts on what you expect and what you would like...guys who know what to get their women and do for their women on valentines day i would give you a 9 out of ten probability they have been told by the woman they love what they want subliminally with hints and catalogues left lying around with circled stuff in it..or wish lists left open ont he computer...... and surprisingly outright...with being told.....yep we are going out to dinner.......or have found out the hard way with much confusion and hung heads through trial and error...

 

make sure you decide what you want...casual or formal.....gift or outing...and let the guy know.....other wise its another man who has to learn the hard way through disappointed hopes from the woman he loves...men try...lol...they really do ...we are smarter....and also more unpredictable....men are predictable....

 

 

next time maybe have dinner in not order out...buy beautiful produce and ask him to make dinner or you cook it for him....give him hints so he can then think he came up with what to buy you all by himself...and when you get what you really wanted.... you smile at him ...but smile wider....because you know the guy tries his best....

 

find those track pants offer to do his washing for him one day...and dye them flouro pink.....he wont wear them again in your presence....

 

what matters more than valentines day ...:0)...is he is wonderful to you...hold onto that....and be wonderful to him by being kind when he tries but disappoints you.......talk to him more communicate what you like and what you dont....and if that doesnt work...try stealth mode and pink flouro dye.....i wish you well.....smilin atcha...deb.......

 

 

It was bleach, like yellowish stain on green pants. If it was dirty, that would be the end of us. And I half-jokingly said "oh what kind of pants are those, it has Clorox stains" and e said "these are my painter pants (he is not a painter, so I guess he meant when he does work on his house). Then he said I need to buy new ones." I mean, fine but he could have put on jeans, too.

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I am trying to figure out what exactly annoyed me about the flowers. again flowers are beautiful gift, I just didnt like the fact he said he got me something a week before the Valentines day.

 

Anyway, he also said something like " did you know that there is a Day when girls give something to guys." My first thought was "is it Steak and BJ day" but I played dumb and said "really, what day is that?" He said "I am not sure?"

 

I might be too sensitive but my first thought was: oh so I didn't get you anything, and you want to point that out to me (even though I basically put more effort to get food and drinks, than he did to get flowers and wine (at the same store probably). So, I think this is what upsets me really. That he hinted or wanted to hint something.... or am I just overthinking now?

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I think you are over thinking to some extent. In hindsight when he started the conversation -- because that was his attempt to clarify your expectations -- it would have been more effective for you two to discuss what Valentines day would like to each of you.

 

I suspect your luke warm response may have caused him to rethink the gift he hinted at & scared him off from giving it to you.

 

We're all trying to read tea leaves here

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I am trying to figure out what exactly annoyed me about the flowers. again flowers are beautiful gift, I just didnt like the fact he said he got me something a week before the Valentines day.

 

Anyway, he also said something like " did you know that there is a Day when girls give something to guys." My first thought was "is it Steak and BJ day" but I played dumb and said "really, what day is that?" He said "I am not sure?"

 

I might be too sensitive but my first thought was: oh so I didn't get you anything, and you want to point that out to me (even though I basically put more effort to get food and drinks, than he did to get flowers and wine (at the same store probably). So, I think this is what upsets me really. That he hinted or wanted to hint something.... or am I just overthinking now?

 

Are you overall happy in this relationship? because it sounds to me as if you're trying to pick at him for no good reasons....so far.

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OP, I agree - sweatpants (awful), with bleach stains? (super lame).

 

That is weird at least, 4 times over since it was Valentine's Day.

 

I can see feeling let down by that - but if you're let down by wine and flowers and he came to you, then you are pretty ungrateful, self-focused and overthinking.

 

In contrast, I have a woman friend who got a small bouquet of flowers (after telling her guy not to get expensive flowers) and he came to her place for dinner, and she put up 3 facebook posts saying how delighted she is. She's in her late 30's. That might be a bit strong, but that is how some people respond to a modest V-Day gift.

 

From what you've written here, you sent completely foggy, blurred out signals.

 

If I heard "V day,... yeah... idk, I might be busy.", holy crap, that is so weak and weird I'd think you don't want to continue seeing me but are too chicken to break up.

 

You shot yourself in the foot. Your guy is just going to be stumbling in the dark for a while now to figure out what in the world you want, and how to get you to communicate out loud in English.

 

Good luck to you both - if you keep interacting the way you two have been, it's going to be muddy.

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I am trying to figure out what exactly annoyed me about the flowers. again flowers are beautiful gift, I just didnt like the fact he said he got me something a week before the Valentines day.

 

Anyway, he also said something like " did you know that there is a Day when girls give something to guys." My first thought was "is it Steak and BJ day" but I played dumb and said "really, what day is that?" He said "I am not sure?"

 

I might be too sensitive but my first thought was: oh so I didn't get you anything, and you want to point that out to me (even though I basically put more effort to get food and drinks, than he did to get flowers and wine (at the same store probably). So, I think this is what upsets me really. That he hinted or wanted to hint something.... or am I just overthinking now?

 

Yeah, you're either very petty or you're not happy with this guy...

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Are you overall happy in this relationship? because it sounds to me as if you're trying to pick at him for no good reasons....so far.

 

I am trying to figure it out. I like him. i am going through a difficult period in my life and he has been very supportive. I can be myself when with him and I do not have to try hard if I don't feel like it.

But, his habits are driving me crazy... or we are just too different, idk... or I might be too difficult.

 

He says a lot of things that he, I think, doesn't really mean or intend to do. I told him that and he said he would try harder but that I need to tell him what I want.

So, he is basically, clueless. He would offer to change oil on my car but then never really ask when is a good time or anything so I can see he really means it. And I usually end up taking the car to my mechanic.

Last night, for example, was the second time he came over to my house. And for the first time, he picked into my bedroom and said " your bed needs a frame. We need to get you a bed frame." I know that he is not going to get me a bed frame (nor do I expect or want him to do that). So, why mention that? I know what i need, and i also know what my priorities are. I have been moving a lot lately and until I buy my own house or at least decide to rent something long term - i am not investing into furniture.

So, we need to get you a bed frame pretty much means "you will get a bed frame and I can go to the store with you."

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Sounds like a lot of agony and yes I can’t believe he would wear that.

 

I think you are both incompatible and I would exit this before it gets worse.

 

It’s clear you just aren’t into him

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I just read that last update

 

What does he do for work ?

 

Do you make more money than him ?

 

Does he even know how to work on a car ? I mean do you trust him to Do something as simple as an oil change I mean I understand it’s all change I do My oil changes myself but there’s a chance of things like leaving the oil drain plug loose it falls out you run out of oil on the highway there goes your engine or maybe leaving the filter loose etc.

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