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He hasn't even mentioned Valentine's Day


JournoGirl

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I've been together with this guy for the past three and a half months now. We are dating exclusively and seeing where things go. We haven't defined it as an official relationship, but over the past few weeks, things have progressed- his family know about me, we see each other almost every day (by his initiation), etc.

He says things about how he'd been quite down in his life until he met me, and often does sweet and thoughtful little gestures. The only thing annoying me is...

 

Today is Valentine's Day and he hasn't mentioned it at all! I hate this day anyway because of the pressure, and I know I shouldn't let the quality of what we have otherwise be defined by one day but this paranoid little voice is reading into the fact he's made no effort.

 

We spent yesterday evening together - I cooked dinner and we watched a movie at my place. He works night shifts so he then had to work until 8am and said he'd probably sleep all day today. He could have at least mentioned the damn day.

Am I being crazy?

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It sounds like you have frequent quality time together. Don't let a Hallmark holiday ruin what sounds like a promising budding relationship. Valentine's Day is not some kind of test that he must pass.

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I hate this day anyway because of the pressure...but this paranoid little voice is reading into the fact he's made no effort.

 

Am I being crazy?

 

Yes, you are.

 

By your words, you hate Valentine's Day because of the pressure yet you're putting pressure on him to line the pockets of Hallmark execs. :rolleyes:

 

Don't let a consumerist holiday define what your relationship will be when it's been going fine the other 364 days or less.

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It's completely fine to want to celebrate Valentines' Day with your partner if you want to.

 

It's NOT okay to not say anything about it and then get pissed off at him for "not making an effort", though. How is he to know whether you want to celebrate it or not if you didn't say anything? Men are most certainly not mind-readers, and even women only come close. ;)

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It's strange to me too that you would have to TELL a guy, "hey, let's celebrate Valentines day". In my mind, it should be default and not celebrating it should be something that I'd have to go out of my way to say.

 

It's either that he forgot about the day (it happens sometimes) or that he simply doesn't want to make any effort and is just not mentioning the day in hopes that you won't either. You need to figure out which one of those reasons it is. Because if you have the latter on your hands (I have had one like this before -lazy) then you have a rocky future ahead and need to think long and hard about whether you want that. It will come up in all sorts of scenarios.

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It's strange to me too that you would have to TELL a guy, "hey, let's celebrate Valentines day". In my mind, it should be default and not celebrating it should be something that I'd have to go out of my way to say.

 

It's either that he forgot about the day (it happens sometimes) or that he simply doesn't want to make any effort and is just not mentioning the day in hopes that you won't either. You need to figure out which one of those reasons it is. Because if you have the latter on your hands (I have had one like this before -lazy) then you have a rocky future ahead and need to think long and hard about whether you want that. It will come up in all sorts of scenarios.

 

Umm, some women genuinely prefer not to celebrate VDay. Each to their own, but neither is the default IMO.

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If you hate it then why do you put importance into it?

 

My BF doesn't do Valentine's Day. I was warned a long time ago. It has nothing to do with 'making an effort', he makes efforts every day of the year to nourish our relationship, he just doesn't like it so I let him off the hook, I don't say a word about it and life goes on.

 

If you have a good relationship you really shouldn't see this as a 'proof' of anything. It means nothing. Too many men make an effort on V day and do nothing the rest of the year.

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If you don't know his opinion on Valentine's Day, then you don't really have anything to go on. Maybe he hates it, maybe he's exhausted, maybe he doesn't care. One of the most romantic men I know (he proposed to his wife in the Sahara at sunrise, for Christ's sake) doesn't celebrate Valentine's Day because he thinks it's dumb. My husband LOVES it and uses it as an excuse to go all-out. You can never tell with people.

 

This is one of those things where communication, even just a "hey, did you want to do something for Valentine's Day?" would have made a difference. In the meantime, maybe send him a flirty gif or a funny ecard and talk about meeting up later?

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CrosstimbersOkie

Maybe he doesn't like being extorted into buying flowers & chocolates on the same day every year.

 

This guy impresses me. He's showing courage that few men possess.

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Is this the same guy that interrupted your night with your friends, slept with you and then left to go out with his friends? If so, this is just more of the same behavior from him.

 

It seems like he has a habit of walking all over you and you seem to have a habit of not liking it, but not doing anything about it. Not celebrating or even mentioning Valentine's Day is just another example of that.

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He should have brought it up: I'm sorry. I can't do Valentine's this year because 1) I'm working, 2) I don't like holidays -- or whatever.

 

He may be planning on surprising you. No, nobody likes surprises, especially women, but some guys think that's the thing to do. But if you sit around and wait all night and nothing, you're going to need to break up with him. And if you don't and you go out with girlfriends or just go visit one so you're not alone, he can always text you and say "Where are you? I was coming over." That's what i'd do. I'd be gone.

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CrosstimbersOkie
Is this the same guy that interrupted your night with your friends, slept with you and then left to go out with his friends? If so, this is just more of the same behavior from him.

 

It seems like he has a habit of walking all over you and you seem to have a habit of not liking it, but not doing anything about it. Not celebrating or even mentioning Valentine's Day is just another example of that.

 

Of course she doesn't do anything about it. That's exactly the kind of behavior that stimulates her. Drama. Women love their problems and crave having something to complain about. They don't feel alive without it.

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I've been together with this guy for the past three and a half months now. We are dating exclusively and seeing where things go. We haven't defined it as an official relationship, but over the past few weeks, things have progressed- his family know about me, we see each other almost every day (by his initiation), etc.

He says things about how he'd been quite down in his life until he met me, and often does sweet and thoughtful little gestures. The only thing annoying me is...

 

Today is Valentine's Day and he hasn't mentioned it at all! I hate this day anyway because of the pressure, and I know I shouldn't let the quality of what we have otherwise be defined by one day but this paranoid little voice is reading into the fact he's made no effort.

 

We spent yesterday evening together - I cooked dinner and we watched a movie at my place. He works night shifts so he then had to work until 8am and said he'd probably sleep all day today. He could have at least mentioned the damn day.

Am I being crazy?

 

No, not at all....

 

For the most part, we humans tend to put overall unrealistic expectations on the day itself. Not that they are unrealistic to us,it's just that since we aren't mind readers, we can never really know if our partner or spouse fails to meet them either on purpose or because of lack of understanding of the other person's expectations. And yes sometimes it's out of sheer stupidity...

 

Usually if there is anything wrong in a relationship, it will rear it's ugly head on Valentine's day. So consider that he may have had no intent to do it on purpose, but maybe his lack of understanding...or perhaps, that stupidity thing I wrote about..lol

 

But at least today isn't your birthday...it actually is mine as I this day is the epitome of underwhelming if you have too high expectations.

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Of course she doesn't do anything about it. That's exactly the kind of behavior that stimulates her. Drama. Women love their problems and crave having something to complain about. They don't feel alive without it.

 

If you want people to respect you on here I suggest you avoid making such generalization.

 

Thank you

 

Signed: a woman with no drama.

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Of course she doesn't do anything about it. That's exactly the kind of behavior that stimulates her. Drama. Women love their problems and crave having something to complain about. They don't feel alive without it.

 

There’s nothing in her post that indicates that she thrives on drama. I have the feeling that she’ll say nothing about it and try to hide her hurt feelings that he disregarded it. That’s accepting any behavior in order to stay in a relationship, not drama.

 

We’re here to try to help the OP, not to discuss your warped views about women.

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I always thought it was an American Holiday. I was in Europe on Valentine's Day 6 years ago & all the locals thought DH & I were odd because we celebrated it. You said you are in Greece. That may be a factor in your BF's failure to mention it.

 

 

Second, your expectations around any holiday / celebration should be discussed in advance, especially the 1st year you go through these holidays together.

 

 

As somebody else pointed out, if you want a Valentine's celebration at this point you need to plan it. It's total unfair of you to sit there silently & seethe then punish him for not reading your mind.

 

 

You are not crazy but you are causing your own misery because you failed ot be proactive about the issue.

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There’s nothing in her post that indicates that she thrives on drama. I have the feeling that she’ll say nothing about it and try to hide her hurt feelings that he disregarded it. That’s accepting any behavior in order to stay in a relationship, not drama.

 

We’re here to try to help the OP, not to discuss your warped views about women.

 

Well, if there is a pattern on here, it is that many a younger woman has expectations on us that may or may not be realistic, and they expect us as men to 'just know' what those expectations are. And if we happen to miss said expectations, then she is upset--according to her, that is a sign that we don't care, ect.

 

If there is *another* pattern on here, it is that the more mature women on here are much more realistic in their expectations of our gender and that they are much better about communicating said expectations.

 

Getting back to the OP, I agree with the others in that as you did not communicate the importance of the holiday to your boyfriend (it is now nearing the end of the day in Athens), you need to let this go. Especially since Valentine's Day is a more an American holiday and not so much celebrated in Europe. In general, it really is on you to communicate what you want better than this.

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This has nothing to do with Valentines Day....this has to do with two people who have a different perception of what this really is. This is, by no means an exclusive/committed relationship. This is a guy that just wants to park himself in your bed once in awhile, and then maybe says and does things to make you think there is something there, when there is not.

 

Casual bed buddies doesn't constitute, gifts, flowers, cards or romance. Now you know why he hasn't said anything, and his actions show where you stand, loud and clear.

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Am I being crazy?

 

Yes. At least that’s what I’d think if I were him and you made a big deal about this. It would be a big red flag for me. I hate Valentine’s Day. Because I don’t go all out for it doesn’t mean I don’t love my wife. I spoil her on her birthday because that’s HER day. I think if it were up to men, they’d do away with Valentine’s Day. It’s probably just not a big deal to him, and he doesn’t mean any harm by it. If it’s a big deal to you, offer to do something nice for him. Do that and he’ll probably remember it next year.

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He spoils you often and for no reason. This means SO much more than a manufactured day of romance.

 

That said, if you want things to happen in your life, you need to be proactive. There's absolutely nothing wrong with saying "Hey, let's book a table for Valentines Day".

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I hate this day anyway because of the pressure,

 

I am still scratching my head over this bit. So if he had come up with something you would have said he shouln't have, because it's such a commercial holiday.

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Interestingly, I've never viewed Valentine's day as an "American" holiday (as opposed to, say, Halloween!). Lived in 3 countries that were not in the Americas, and in all of them it was at least somewhat a thing. In our current location many florists sold out, and lots of restaurants have restricted menus (indicating that there is huge demand!). Even back in Asia, restaurants would be full of young couples.

 

That being said, I agree with the others - if you haven't communicated with him, you should let it go. You probably COULD designate some arbitrary day in the near future to pamper each other.... after all, a holiday is what you make of it! ;)

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