Is it Normal to Want My Own Space?

[dangerous]

I am a 54 year old man, been with my GF for over 1 year. She works normal office hours and I work long days and weekday evenings so we don't see much of one another in the week. I'd say it's got worse over the year as my job has become more time demanding. I have maybe one night off a week, and mostly all of the weekends. We live separately.

 

We have had some conversations where my GF has said that she needs/ wants a man with her more of the time, and I've been honest and told her my situation unlikely to change.

 

My quandary is that with my long working week and then the time I spend with my GF at weekends, I feel I don't have any self-time: ME time to unwind, relax and do my own thing either alone or with my male friends.

 

Sometimes/often I'm happy to include her and invite her along but she says she wants me to prioritise her.

 

For my whole life I have enjoyed having an occasional day alone eg. walking, reading, meditating, or as I said visiting an old friend (male). It keeps me grounded, calm, and then when I go back to my GF I am in the best headspace to appreciate and enjoy her and our time together.

 

It's got to the stage now where I'm feeling crowded and guilted by her demands - so what do I say to her?

 

And am I just being selfish or is it reasonable for me to have both: time alone, and a GF too?

[PegNosePete]

am I just being selfish or is it reasonable for me to have both: time alone, and a GF too?

It is totally reasonable but it's also reasonable for your GF to want to spend more time with her partner. It seems your GF needs more than you are prepared to give. Neither of you is "wrong" or "unreasonable", you just have different needs.

 

You may be able to compromise by finding an amount of time that you're both happy with. In which case you can live happily ever after.

 

Or maybe the minimum time together that she can accept is higher than the maximum you can give. If that's the case then you'll have to accept that your lifestyles are just not compatible.

 

She may well feel that after 1 year it's time to think about progressing your relationship to the next level, whether that is marriage or living together. She may see you as failing to progress your relationship to the "next level". After 1 year it's more than reasonable to have a conversation about where your relationship is going and what your approximate expectations of a timescale would be.

 

It's got to the stage now where I'm feeling crowded and guilted by her demands - so what do I say to her?

"I'm sorry but I need time alone and with my friends as well as time together with you. If you're not happy with the amount of time I can give then we'll just have to accept that we don't have compatible lifestyles and relationship expectations"

Edited February 13, 2018 by PegNosePete

[Gaeta]

Does your girlfriend have other interests than spending time with you? Often women that want to own all of your free time don't have anything else to focus on.

 

I am 52 and my bf is 50. He also needs his time alone from time to time and I let him. It's not difficult for me to do because my life is filled with friends, family and hobbies. I also noticed that more freedom I give him, more he spends time with me because it comes from him.

 

I agree you may have just found an incompatibility with your girlfriend. I hope you and her can find an understanding that will make you both happy. If you must then pick a calendar and indicate the days you want to yourself ahead of time so she can plan something else.

[olivetree]

so what do I say to her?

 

You already said it pretty perfectly already.

 

"My work week is long and then we spend the whole weekend together. I love spending time with you. However, I feel I don't have any self-time: ME time to unwind, relax and do my own thing either alone or with my male friends. For my whole life I have enjoyed having an occasional day alone. to walk, read, meditate or visit an old friend. It keeps me grounded, calm, and then when I go back to you I am in the best headspace to appreciate and enjoy our time together. Is there any way we can come to a compromise on this?"

 

If you want to compromise, you could suggest being together in the same space but doing your own things.

Like you both read or you meditate while she putters around.

Or maybe you talk on the phone each night you're apart.

 

While it's perfectly reasonable to want what you want and her as well, I do think you'll be hard pressed to find a girlfriend that is okay with only seeing you on the weekends indefinitely.

Edited February 13, 2018 by olivetree

[Happy Lemming]

And am I just being selfish or is it reasonable for me to have both: time alone, and a GF too?

 

I don't think you are being selfish, at all. I'm 52, so we are both in the same age range. I've been with my girlfriend for just over 6 years. We don't live together and usually get together on the weekend, but not every weekend.

 

I like my alone time and my girlfriend likes hers. She has her own interests, hobbies, friends and family functions (similar to what others have posted).

 

I find it ironic that "Gaeta" mentioned a calendar. My girlfriend and I were filling in our calendars over the weekend. Its a system that works for us... We are "old school" with paper calendars that we hang up.

 

During the week we e-mail back and forth. She likes that system, so I don't interrupt her TV programs, and she can e-mail me back during commercials. If its really important, she can call me, though.

 

I think you need to be honest with your girlfriend and tell her how you feel.

 

"Let the chips fall where they may"

[smackie9]

IMO you both are not meeting each others expectations. Yes a compromise is needed BUT is this going to be suitable for the long haul? If your hours don't change, I don't see this lasting much longer. She's already complaining about not seeing you enough already....now you want me time on top of that.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I am a 54 year old man, been with my GF for over 1 year. She works normal office hours and I work long days and weekday evenings so we don't see much of one another in the week. I'd say it's got worse over the year as my job has become more time demanding. I have maybe one night off a week, and mostly all of the weekends. We live separately.

 

We have had some conversations where my GF has said that she needs/ wants a man with her more of the time, and I've been honest and told her my situation unlikely to change.

 

My quandary is that with my long working week and then the time I spend with my GF at weekends, I feel I don't have any self-time: ME time to unwind, relax and do my own thing either alone or with my male friends.

 

Sometimes/often I'm happy to include her and invite her along but she says she wants me to prioritise her.

 

For my whole life I have enjoyed having an occasional day alone eg. walking, reading, meditating, or as I said visiting an old friend (male). It keeps me grounded, calm, and then when I go back to my GF I am in the best headspace to appreciate and enjoy her and our time together.

 

It's got to the stage now where I'm feeling crowded and guilted by her demands - so what do I say to her?

 

And am I just being selfish or is it reasonable for me to have both: time alone, and a GF too?

 

I'm exactly like you so I understand completely.

 

But, some people need more time with their partner than others. I think your girlfriend needs to be with someone she gets to see more. Someone who has more free time on weekday evenings, probably.

[BluesPower]

I am a 54 year old man, been with my GF for over 1 year. She works normal office hours and I work long days and weekday evenings so we don't see much of one another in the week. I'd say it's got worse over the year as my job has become more time demanding. I have maybe one night off a week, and mostly all of the weekends. We live separately.

 

We have had some conversations where my GF has said that she needs/ wants a man with her more of the time, and I've been honest and told her my situation unlikely to change.

 

My quandary is that with my long working week and then the time I spend with my GF at weekends, I feel I don't have any self-time: ME time to unwind, relax and do my own thing either alone or with my male friends.

 

Sometimes/often I'm happy to include her and invite her along but she says she wants me to prioritise her.

 

For my whole life I have enjoyed having an occasional day alone eg. walking, reading, meditating, or as I said visiting an old friend (male). It keeps me grounded, calm, and then when I go back to my GF I am in the best headspace to appreciate and enjoy her and our time together.

 

It's got to the stage now where I'm feeling crowded and guilted by her demands - so what do I say to her?

 

And am I just being selfish or is it reasonable for me to have both: time alone, and a GF too?

 

I get you... and while you are not being selfish, I also understand where she is coming from.

 

For example, Me and GF enjoy spending time with each other so much, often in bed, that it is tough to get our house work done at each house, much less any projects.

 

So we are trying to be more disciplined about our bed room time, which never seems like enough.

 

On the other hand, we are both to the point that we don't sleep as well when we are not able to sleep in the same bed.

 

So I get where your GF is coming from, and frankly if she is important to you, you may want to try and cut back at work if you can. Or just bite the bullet and give her as much time as you can until work settles down.

[KBarletta]

I am exactly like you. In part because I am an introvert, I absolutely have to have my alone time or I can't function at the level I need to. That's been an issue with past partners who don't understand the dynamic of introvert vs. extrovert, or the need for alone time to recharge your mental emotional batteries.

 

It sounds like you just need to work on finding a balance between you getting the ME time you need and her getting as much time with her partner as she needs to feel fulfilled. Maybe you can't make that compromise. But if you care for each other it's worth trying.

 

But as far as "normal" goes - I hate to use that term - but yeah there are plenty of other people out there like you. I live alone and while I'd love to have my S.O. there 90 percent of the time, I definitely need that time alone or I won't be a very good partner.

[Els]

In an ideal world, you would have time for it all - a great career, plenty of time alone, and a great (committed) partner.

 

Unfortunately, the world is not ideal to most people. If you are working long hours and want to balance personal time and a LTR simultaneously, it's not terribly feasible. Something has to give. I do not know one single person who works 70+ hrs/week, has plenty of alone time AND is able to maintain a happy, committed and monogamous LTR all at the same time. Generally you have to pick two.

 

If you don't foresee your work ever becoming less hectic, and you REALLY want lots of personal time, then perhaps you may consider that a more casual sort of relationship (possibly non-exclusive?) might be better suited for your needs.

Edited February 13, 2018 by Elswyth

[kendahke]

No. You're not being selfish. Looking out for your own best mental well being is never selfish.

 

If she can't understand this, then perhaps she's not the best fit for you.

[GemmaUK]

It's not selfish, you could possibly find ways to cut some of your nights shorter so you have more 'me time'.

Every single whole weekend is quite a lot to achieve on a long term regular basis especially if you travel.

Have you asked her actual expectations?

I did that with a now ex and he told me all of my free time should be his....Eek!

I was gone not long after.

[dangerous]

Thanks all for your replies.

 

Unfortunately my GF does not have many outside interests or family/friends. She has had a tough time and a 'bad' family so she is very much alone (except for her dog of 11 years). We do have different views on this:

I say if I had free evenings and she was not available then I would cherish the down time for reading, TV or friends or opportunity to find/develop new interests and hobbies. She has options to do this (we have a good local town with lots going on) but she takes the view that she should be my priority WHENEVER I am off work.

 

This whole togetherness subject has been magnified because we lived together temporarily for a few months when she had to move home in a hurry so I let her stay with me) while she sorted her plans. Last weekend, she has just moved out into her own apartment, and I've stayed where I am. I'm not ready to give up my independence and I believe it will be good for our relationship if we (she) finds contentment in ourselves (herself) before we take the plunge and live together. I think she is scared to be alone, even though deep down she isn't happy with my (lack of) commitment level as she sees it.

 

Of course, we may just grow apart. But either way, I think its for the best.

Edited February 13, 2018 by dangerous

[Veronica73]

I definitely don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting me time. I am extremely introverted and very much need it as well. But I also work normal hours. If you are working a ton, and need alone time, and want to have a girlfriend, but only spend maybe a day or an evening with her in a week... I don’t see very many partners being happy with that in the long term. It takes time to develop and maintain a romantic relationship. After a certain point of time I think it is pretty normal for a romantic partner to want to be more of a part of the other persons life and to be moving towards something more integrated. Maybe you just want a more casual hook up type of relationship? I don’t know... but there are only so many hours in a day and you can’t have everything. It sounds like your work and alone time are more important to you than she is, and frankly, it sounds like the amount of time you are willing to spend with her isn’t very much. Don’t string her along if you know you aren’t going to be compatible.

[preraph]

Look, just hold the line. Especially as we get older, down time is important to us. It always was for me, though. I have to have my space. there's lots of people you can love but not want to live with for one reason or a handful. be honest with her. Tell her it's not going to change.

[kendahke]

Thanks all for your replies.

 

Unfortunately my GF does not have many outside interests or family/friends. She has had a tough time and a 'bad' family so she is very much alone (except for her dog of 11 years). We do have different views on this:

I say if I had free evenings and she was not available then I would cherish the down time for reading, TV or friends or opportunity to find/develop new interests and hobbies. She has options to do this (we have a good local town with lots going on) but she takes the view that she should be my priority WHENEVER I am off work.

 

This whole togetherness subject has been magnified because we lived together temporarily for a few months when she had to move home in a hurry so I let her stay with me) while she sorted her plans. Last weekend, she has just moved out into her own apartment, and I've stayed where I am. I'm not ready to give up my independence and I believe it will be good for our relationship if we (she) finds contentment in ourselves (herself) before we take the plunge and live together. I think she is scared to be alone, even though deep down she isn't happy with my (lack of) commitment level as she sees it.

 

Of course, we may just grow apart. But either way, I think its for the best.

 

She sounds like she's got a lot of issues that she needs to resolve... and she needs a therapist more than she needs a boyfriend.

 

If you have just one day off a week due to an insanely busy work schedule and she's got a lot of free time because she chooses not to develop outside interests but is waiting on you to show up and distract her from herself, then she's not looking to do her own heavy lifting, but is looking to you to do it for her (aka: not taking responsibility for her own happiness). That is not fair.

[Lehcar1012]

I am a 54 year old man, been with my GF for over 1 year. She works normal office hours and I work long days and weekday evenings so we don't see much of one another in the week. I'd say it's got worse over the year as my job has become more time demanding. I have maybe one night off a week, and mostly all of the weekends. We live separately.

 

We have had some conversations where my GF has said that she needs/ wants a man with her more of the time, and I've been honest and told her my situation unlikely to change.

 

My quandary is that with my long working week and then the time I spend with my GF at weekends, I feel I don't have any self-time: ME time to unwind, relax and do my own thing either alone or with my male friends.

 

Sometimes/often I'm happy to include her and invite her along but she says she wants me to prioritise her.

 

For my whole life I have enjoyed having an occasional day alone eg. walking, reading, meditating, or as I said visiting an old friend (male). It keeps me grounded, calm, and then when I go back to my GF I am in the best headspace to appreciate and enjoy her and our time together.

 

It's got to the stage now where I'm feeling crowded and guilted by her demands - so what do I say to her?

 

And am I just being selfish or is it reasonable for me to have both: time alone, and a GF too?

 

So I am not the only one....i have always liked my alone time. I feel like I'm going crazy if I don't have at least one day a week alone to read, relax, think. I have always been that way. I have met people who just don't understand it, I can go days alone without talking to anyone and I am fine like that. . If someone wants to spend too much time with me i feel smothered.

[2much4]

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I do see where she's coming from though.

 

Seeing your partner once a week is a casual arrangement, especially after a year. She's obviously not one of your priorities. That's perfectly ok, but it's also ok for her to want more out of a relationship. That doesn't make her "needy".

 

I noticed the only post in this thread you liked was one saying that your gf has mental issues and needs a therapist. I don't think that's the best attitude to have. Most people in my family have few friends and spend a lot of time with their partner (I'm the exception). I don't think any of them needs a therapist and would quite honestly feel offended if anyone told me so.

[d0nnivain]

Alone time is important. The problem is she has that in spades & wants couple time. You have little time for either -- time for yourself or time for her. When you pick "me time" she views that as you rejected her.

 

I'm not sure how you resolve that but would a compromise that allows her to come over to your house & wait for you after 1 of the long nights so you can just sit & watch TV together, perhaps having her make a light meal for you to enjoy? The next morning if you both get up a little earlier maybe you could enjoy each other or have breakfast together?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Alone time is important. The problem is she has that in spades & wants couple time. You have little time for either -- time for yourself or time for her. When you pick "me time" she views that as you rejected her.

 

I'm not sure how you resolve that but would a compromise that allows her to come over to your house & wait for you after 1 of the long nights so you can just sit & watch TV together, perhaps having her make a light meal for you to enjoy? The next morning if you both get up a little earlier maybe you could enjoy each other or have breakfast together?

 

Exactly. And neither is wrong. Perhaps just not compatible because of this.

[Whodatdog]

Theres no correct amount of time to spend with each other. Its more important that whatever the time is makes each person happy in the relationship.

 

Ive been with my SO for about 25 years. At this point in our relationship, he lives about 4 hours away for his work, which he adores. Works 7 days a week, he loves it. He does come and visit for 3-4 days once or twice a month, tho we talk dozens of times on the phone daily.

 

Truthfully, by about the 3rd day, Im ready for him to hit the road. I also work, and have a small farm, and critters, and hobbies, and need a lot of "me" time. When he's here, he helps me a lot, but Im also planning meals, or we're going out, or visiting some local friends of his. Three days is about it for me (tho I would NEVER tell him that). So it works well for us.

 

YMMV

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Theres no correct amount of time to spend with each other. Its more important that whatever the time is makes each person happy in the relationship.

 

Ive been with my SO for about 25 years. At this point in our relationship, he lives about 4 hours away for his work, which he adores. Works 7 days a week, he loves it. He does come and visit for 3-4 days once or twice a month, tho we talk dozens of times on the phone daily.

Truthfully, by about the 3rd day, Im ready for him to hit the road. I also work, and have a small farm, and critters, and hobbies, and need a lot of "me" time. When he's here, he helps me a lot, but Im also planning meals, or we're going out, or visiting some local friends of his. Three days is about it for me (tho I would NEVER tell him that). So it works well for us.

 

YMMV

 

Daily!??? That would drive me nuts lol. I hate the phone almost as much as I hate having no time to myself.

[Gaeta]

 

Seeing your partner once a week is a casual arrangement, so.

 

He is not seeing her once a week. He spends his entire weekend with her.

[Gaeta]

I'm not sure how you resolve that but would a compromise that allows her to come over to your house & wait for you after 1 of the long nights so you can just sit & watch TV together, perhaps having her make a light meal for you to enjoy? The next morning if you both get up a little earlier maybe you could enjoy each other or have breakfast together?

 

I agree with this and that was my experience. When my bf was working 16 hours a day, and 6 days a week, he wanted to see me more often than just on weekends so many times when he got off work at 11pm he'd drove to my place just to sleep next to me. The following morning we were both up at 5h30 and leaving for our day's work. He did that 2-3 times a week. It was just sleeping in each others arms but it kept our connection strong through this 1,5 year of double shifts.

[greymatter]

There are a lot of different opinions here. Some posters think you two are not compatible and should end it. Others think it can be worked on. What I wonder, OP, is whether you value the relationship enough to work on things with your SO and find solutions for meeting both of your needs. If you can't do it together, on your own, then see a couples therapist for a few sessions to get the process started. People do that when they value each other and the relationship is worth continuing. It will take good communication and really understanding each other to move forward, otherwise seems like things will continue to feel bad for one or both of you.

 

How invested in the relationship are you? Do you wish to be single or do you want her in your life?