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Dating for Newbie unsure where to go next


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

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Old 8th February 2018, 4:21 PM   #1
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Dating for Newbie unsure where to go next

Hey all, apologize for the long post but there are things Iíve been wondering about for a long time. Just to preface this, Iím a 23-year-old virgin who hasnít kissed a girl or really even dated.

Although Iíve always taken interest in girls I find attractive, for the most part, it has led nowhere, and usually it doesnít bother me. When I was young, I was incredibly shy. I work in news now and deal with people frequently, so Iíve come a long way, but I still have some shyness within.

Through high school, there were two girls I confessed feelings to, and though they didnít feel the same way, one turned into a great friend that I keep in touch with to this day. In college, despite attempts from my friends, I spent a lot of time on my studies and commitments rather than relationships. Following graduation two years ago, I moved away to a small town for a job, and thatís where I am now. Iíll be attending a wedding for a friend in the summer, and suddenly I realize just how far behind I am.

For better or worse, Iíve been interested in some co-workers while Iíve been here. I work weird hours, 2-10am, so the women Iíve been interested in donít see me at work often, which I think is a good thing. A new girl 1 year younger than me started working with us about 6 months ago, and she along with a few other friends from work went out for drinks and other activities over the next several weeks. Just by spending some time with her, I started to become more and more attracted to her. Although she is confident and competitive, sheís also a woman of few words, so itís been tough for me to gauge her feelings, especially since I donít really know what Iím doing.

Anyway, in just the last two months, things have really changed. We started hanging out alone, at first because friends were out of town, but then by choice. Weíve been out to lunch and dinner at least once a week, sometimes multiples times per week. Though I never explicitly stated they were dates, I frequently paid. She would come over and hang out afterwards, and we would have a few drinks and play games. Though I usually set up plans, even she has asked to hang out and do things on occasion. Itís way more than Iíve ever hung out with any person along, guy or girl. A few weekends, like the last one for example, we spent parts of Friday, Saturday, and Sunday together, getting meals but also doing things like bowling.

Obviously, as this has been going on, Iíve really wanted to start a relationship. I care about her, want to know more about her, and we share interests. What always seems to get me is that the fear of confessing would ruin our friendship. At the urging of a friend, I confessed my feelings to her about 3 weeks ago as she was about to leave my place. Probably not the best time to do it, but it felt it was wrong to keep my true feelings inside. I mustíve surprised her, because although she smiled with her response, she simply told me to text her when she got home.

So, I did, basically reiterating the points I made already (cleaned up of course, since I was pretty nervous confessing in person!) when I texted her. I was happy when she said she liked hanging out with me, and wouldnít mind giving us a shot, but she also said she didnít want to rush into anything or make things awkward between us. I was happy that I didnít get turned down, but it seemed like a fairly safe answer, one that felt was genuine.

Though I have brought up that conversation once since then to just say I meant when I said, overall, itís been business as usual. Weíve still been hanging out, but thereís been no hand-holding, kissing, or anything else really. Iím still happy because I truly do enjoy her company, but I do think I need to make some progress at some point. Since I have no real dating experience (and she has at least had sex), Iím not quite sure what to do from here. The most ďtouchingĒ that has happened was me rubbing her arm when she was cold.

I donít have any trouble going slow, since I wouldnít know how to rush anyway, but I realize at some point Iíll just get put in the friend zone completely, or sheíll fall for someone else. She hasnít really made any obvious moves to make me think she is overly interested, other than saying she wouldnít mind giving us a shot, but I assume that requires more work on my part.

Valentineís Day is next week, and while I know it's cliche, I was planning on asking her to dinner but not making a huge deal over it. She likes hockey, so I was thinking of a small, but creative gift along those lines.

For those who actually read through all of this, I thank you so much! Iím basically curious about my chances to actually get into a relationship with this girl, if she likes me back or not, and what things I can do from here to take it one step at a time to get more intimate.
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Old 8th February 2018, 5:45 PM   #2
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Not going to try to reconstruct the past and tell you to go back and change things that can't be changed.

I think you were so slow that you were put in the friend zone. Your confession jolted her a bit because you hadn't given indication you were attracted to her over all this time.

Because she doesn't find you unattractive she told herself why not give it a shot.

But now you have a tough row to hoe. You can't change who you are and transform into some Adonis who is going to immediately sweep her off her feet.

The main issue is the character of the relationship has already be set so firmly to friendship that anything you do will seem weird and out of place. She said she doesn't want it to get weird.

So you had a shot to shift things when she said she'd give it a shot. But you didn't. Everything stayed exactly where it was before.

You may have missed what little opportunity you had left.

I do not have experience in this type of situation.

Maybe someone else does.

Whatever you do I would caution you against a big valentine to-do. Just a card. And nothing mushy.

But I definitely would recommend going on an actual date instead of just hanging out. Invite her to do something new. Change the environment so it won't be so weird when you flirt with her or if you take her hand.

Also, watch some you tube videos on flirting.
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Old 8th February 2018, 6:37 PM   #3
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Do ask her to dinner on V-Day. A small gift is OK. Do NOT go overboard. Spend around $20. She said she wants slow. Slow means no other the yop grand gestures.

Going forward announcing your feelings is usually a lousy idea. I'm so glad it worked out. As I was reading I was expecting to say that your announcement was a failure & that she friend-zoned you. That is a real risk when you go months without making a move.

On Valentine's day or before if possible make sure you kiss. If she doesn't kiss you this is hopeless.

Do speak to that good female friend you still have from childhood. She will be one of your better more insightful sources of knowledge.
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Old 9th February 2018, 3:27 AM   #4
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Thank you for both of your responses! I know it's mostly my fault for moving so slowly, so if there's no changing that, then I would accept it.

On the subject of Valentine's Day, when exactly is it appropriate to ask her out to dinner for that? It's on a Wednesday this year, so I'm not sure if I should ask at the end of the weekend or on the day itself.
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Old 9th February 2018, 11:43 AM   #5
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You are clueless aren't you? Asking somebody to dinner on the day of the dinner is presumptuous at best. You are assuming they don't already have plans / have a life & are waiting around for you. When you ask somebody on a date it's best to give 2-3 days notice.

For a holiday like Valentine's Day you need to ask in advance. I'd ask today & think that since it's less than 1 week away you are already late.

There's a silly book from the early 90s called The Rules. It told a woman not to accept a date from a man who didn't ask at least 3 days in advance & no earlier than 2 days after the last date. Again that is ridiculous & rigid but the point is as the person doing the asking you are trying to show that you value the other person's time & are willing to clear your schedule in advance. Asking the day of makes it look like she's an after thought -- you didn't have anything else going on & you knew she'd be old faithful waiting around for you to snap your fingers.

Yeah, yeah, I know it's supposed to be spontaneous to show that you're not stuffy or a slave to convention. B.S. Plan. It's an attractive trait which shows maturity & reliability.
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Old 10th February 2018, 9:16 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
You are clueless aren't you? Asking somebody to dinner on the day of the dinner is presumptuous at best. You are assuming they don't already have plans / have a life & are waiting around for you. When you ask somebody on a date it's best to give 2-3 days notice.

For a holiday like Valentine's Day you need to ask in advance. I'd ask today & think that since it's less than 1 week away you are already late.

There's a silly book from the early 90s called The Rules. It told a woman not to accept a date from a man who didn't ask at least 3 days in advance & no earlier than 2 days after the last date. Again that is ridiculous & rigid but the point is as the person doing the asking you are trying to show that you value the other person's time & are willing to clear your schedule in advance. Asking the day of makes it look like she's an after thought -- you didn't have anything else going on & you knew she'd be old faithful waiting around for you to snap your fingers.

Yeah, yeah, I know it's supposed to be spontaneous to show that you're not stuffy or a slave to convention. B.S. Plan. It's an attractive trait which shows maturity & reliability.
Yup, guess I am pretty clueless . For some reason, after reading some other advice online, I thought that for Valentine's Day it was better to just ask on that day. Glad that's not the case!

I'll definitely ask if/when I get to see her this weekend with a card I got. I'd rather do it in person since I bet a text message asking for dinner would not be the way to go for this day.
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Old 10th February 2018, 11:13 AM   #7
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I hate texting but the voice feature of the phone is just fine. You don't have to wait to see her in person. That is awkward at best, especially if she doesn't want to go with you; it's hard to turn a guy down face to face.
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Old 10th February 2018, 11:22 AM   #8
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So all those times you spend together...why not hold her hand? Sit next to her on the couch and put your arm around her, draw her closer. If she's receptive to snuggling while watching a movie, at the end, turn around, face her, kiss her. When you go out, hold her hand while walking. Hug her. Opportunities abound when you're in close vicinity, take advantage.

Given you've been "friends" all this time, I don't think you should go too grandiose on any Valentine's Day. She said she's "open to it," but either she's not making any moves on you, even as encouragement, or you're completely missing any clues or invitations, so it's hard to say where her head is at. A nice dinner, maybe some flowers, nothing like a dozen roses or anything, something simple, would be very nice.
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Old 11th February 2018, 2:03 AM   #9
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I guess I didn't want to do those things because I was respecting her wishes of not making things awkward or moving too quickly. But, obviously, if I don't do as you both said, I won't make any progress either.

I'll definitely try making some moves when we spend time together again. If it doesn't work out, then I suppose I'll know where we stand.
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