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Mom expressing negativity about my girlfriend


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  • 2 Post By barcode88
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Old 7th February 2018, 7:23 PM   #1
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Mom expressing negativity about my girlfriend

Backstory - girlfriend and myself have been together for 1+ years, and everything is going great. I get along very well with her family and they treat me like a son. More importantly I get along great with my girlfriend, and have great affection for her. We've had a couple minor fights, but we've managed our conflicts well. My friends, and Mom+Dad all have expressed great enthusiasm about her over the past year. Recently my Mom flip-flopped though....

A few weeks ago my girlfriend came over to have dinner with the family, My family can be very touchy/feely, and like to hug,etc., and I guess when they said goodbye to her and hugged her, they felt like it was an awkward hug.

My girlfriend is not a very touchy/feely person and does not like holding hands/hugging/etc. This does not bother me at all,we still hug and kiss often, she just isn't constantly plastered to me. I'm the exception though, she generally doesn't like people touching her.

So this past week I was out to dinner with my Mom, she invited my Girlfriend to come along but she couldn't make it (she already had plans that evening with her friend).

My Mom started asking leading questions about my girlfriend, and I got the feeling that she had a problem, and so I asked her straight out what the issue was. My Mom replied saying how she felt like my girlfriend was distant when she went to hug her.

I quickly explained to my Mom how my girlfriend isn't a hugging type of person, and it might have been a little awkward for her, but she was trying to be nice.

Instead of accepting my explanation and moving past this, I could tell my mom was still bothered, so I pressed the issue further. She went on to say she thinks its a "red flag" and that she doesn't want to see me end up getting married just to get divorced. WTF??? Who said anything about marriage anytime soon?

I got a bit upset with my Mom, and she ended up wanting to leave the restaurant, and wanted me to drive her home, which I ended up obliging since she couldn't be talked out of it.

I spoke to my Sister about this, and she agreed that my Mom was out of line. It may be worth mentioning that my Mom suffers from mild anxiety which she medicates for (nothing crazy though AFAIK). She has a history of being critical about my sister's partners as well, and can be unfairly judgmental of my aunt/uncle.

My mom recently texted me after us not speaking for several days, and wants to grab lunch this coming weekend. I responded saying SURE, but told her I didn't want to hear anymore negativity about my girlfriend. Still waiting to hear back.

I deeply care for my girlfriend, and it hurts that my Mom would say negative things about her. I spoke to my best friend about this and he said that it's up to an individual to discover for themselves if someone isn't right for them, and that friends/family saying negative things isn't helpful. Which I think is 100% spot on.

I am happy, and I am not looking for any reassurance about my girlfriend. Rather I am seeking advice on how to deal with my Mom.
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Old 7th February 2018, 7:25 PM   #2
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Update -- just as I was writing this my Mom responded back saying she never said it was a mistake, and that "she's a very nice girlfriend", and would like to visit with me. sounds like she wants to move past it. She stopped short of being apologetic though, which concerns me.


Also we're both in our mid/late 20s with established careers.
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Old 7th February 2018, 7:38 PM   #3
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Don't be so tough on her. You have been together for over a year now, so it has the potential for getting serious. She is just looking out for your future because she cares about you. That's her job as a mother.

The good news is that it doesn't sound like she is trying to cause trouble because she has already backtracked in order to keep the peace.

For that reason I think you should give her a break and let it go.
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Old 7th February 2018, 7:42 PM   #4
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Don't be so tough on her. You have been together for over a year now, so it has the potential for getting serious. She is just looking out for your future because she cares about you. That's her job as a mother.

The good news is that it doesn't sound like she is trying to cause trouble because she has already backtracked in order to keep the peace.

For that reason I think you should give her a break and let it go.
Yeah, I just don't think she should be trying to call my relationship -- I know it better than she does. Plus I don't think it's her job to tell me if she thinks I'm making a mistake in my choice of partner -- it's her job to let me figure that out for myself, and just be ACCEPTING.


Fortunately she has been accepting/respectful of my girlfriend when she is around, and I'm hoping she continues to do that.

I'm willing to let it go for now I guess, as long as she continues to be respectful to my girlfriend and doesn't bring up her "concerns" with me again.
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Old 7th February 2018, 8:44 PM   #5
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If your mother's critical of your girl, your sisters partners, your aunt and uncle.....sounds like the problem lies with her and you should just take it with a pinch of salt. If it got to the point where you were angry about it perhaps you should just straight up suggest that she take up a hobby to take her mind off criticising people over petty issues.
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Old 8th February 2018, 12:23 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by barcode88 View Post
I am seeking advice on how to deal with my Mom.
I think you handled your mom perfectly. Be tough on her, else this will escalate.

Do not allow her or her anxiety to throw offal onto your girlfriend and be firm in that resolve--otherwise, if she can get a wedge in, a fissure will surely develop.

Mom needs to get on board now because when the day does come that you marry, you vow "to let no man" put your marriage asunder--and "no man" means your mom or anyone else, and you will have to stand up to her with a firmness that may make her flip out if she's been allowed to get used to interfering in your relationships.

While she may use the excuse of trying to save you from heartache--adversity is what gives the adult their maturity, experience and grace in difficult situations. Being saved from that sort of growth is a hindrance to maturity--and you're not her infant/child who needs mommy protecting him--you're a grown man who must develop and use his own judgement.
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Old 8th February 2018, 12:38 PM   #7
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There comes a point at which your mom might affect your relationship with your girlfriend. If it comes to that you will have to show your mom where your boundaries are. (I had to do that the hard way.)

It's part of standing up for your own choices, a critical component of growing up and becoming independent of your parents. So don't let it go, call her out on it when your girlfriend isn't around.
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Old 8th February 2018, 4:07 PM   #8
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Thanks all -- good advice. It pretty much echoes what I've been thinking as well.


So far, my mom has treated my girlfriend well and has been nice to her. The "misgivings" that my mom had were only expressed to me.

I was firm with my Mom on this issue, and she knows where I stand. So as long as she continues to treat my girlfriend with respect, and ceases giving me her unwanted opinion, we are going to continue on just fine I think.

My mom is a bit notorious for being judgmental behind peoples' backs, but I'm not going to call her out on this right now in the effort of making peace. But I think I might bring it up the next time she talks crap about my aunt/uncle, or sister's boyfriend,etc.


Cheers

Last edited by barcode88; 8th February 2018 at 4:11 PM..
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Old 8th February 2018, 4:19 PM   #9
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You mom has a lot more going on than just anxiety. Is your mom being treated for this anxiety or depression or any kind of disorder? The reason why I say that is, she sounds just like my mom. My mom is bi-polar, and even when on medication, there are times when she will take things the wrong way and or things very personally. And it comes out of left field like this little something becomes a big deal.

I say stand your ground, and if it gets out of hand, and this sort of thing pops up again, address it right away. She might need to seek some help. She is at that age, where menopause/hormone levels can affect the mind too...making some women look cray cray.
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Old 8th February 2018, 4:40 PM   #10
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As a mom to young men, it's hard letting them go never mind to another woman. As much as we want them to fly the nest, fall in love and carve out a happy and fulfilling life with the mate of their choice, it's a hard pill to swallow, particularly for mothers of sons. No woman is ever really good enough for our sons after all

I think you managed to get some clarity on the topic so I won't bother repeating some of the things already said.

Just remember that it's in our nature as mothers to be suspicious regardless if it's justified or not. It's also our job to be protective of our children no matter how old they get. At the end of the day, it's because we love our children and want only the best for them.

Good luck.
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Old 8th February 2018, 6:14 PM   #11
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No woman is ever really good enough for our sons after all
My mother had to deal with my father's mother who was like this. It was hell on my mother and she didn't stop with being abusive with her--she turned that crap on me and it was only her dying when I was 5 that I finally was rid of her abusiveness and it took me a lot of therapy to undo the damage that woman did to me.
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Old 9th February 2018, 2:47 PM   #12
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I think you handled this very well! If your mom sees how dedicated you are to this relationship I am sure she will change her tune. Maybe mom was just having and off day, or week, or month. I am sure this will pass, do your best to forgive your mom and move on, hopefully she will also let this go. Blessings to you!
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Old 9th February 2018, 3:59 PM   #13
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You were right to lay out a solid boundary to your Mom! Good for you!

Tell her it's not up for discussion and she should respect the relationship by not gossiping about your GF.

She should also respect that not all people want to be touched - that's another boundary that should never be crossed without permission.

Your Mom is showing complete disrespect! Is she always like this or is this new?
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Old 9th February 2018, 7:34 PM   #14
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I am a bit surprised at the anti- mom sentiment running through this board. Your mom is a woman, and as such, knows your girlfriend's inner workings better than you seem to think you do. At the same time, I also recognize how people need to create their own life, whether it be a heaven on earth or hell on earth scenario. If it were me, I would ask mom to explain herself in simple guy-terms. Then I would make my own decision. Sounds like your mom held off on that last part because she was afraid of getting a bad reaction from you. So things are now up in the air. Just remember, if the situation goes balls up in the future,, you will be left to find your own solution, not mom. There could come a time when you will wish your mom had explained herself more clearly...
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Old 9th February 2018, 7:55 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by barcode88 View Post
Thanks all -- good advice. It pretty much echoes what I've been thinking as well.


So far, my mom has treated my girlfriend well and has been nice to her. The "misgivings" that my mom had were only expressed to me.

I was firm with my Mom on this issue, and she knows where I stand. So as long as she continues to treat my girlfriend with respect, and ceases giving me her unwanted opinion, we are going to continue on just fine I think.

My mom is a bit notorious for being judgmental behind peoples' backs, but I'm not going to call her out on this right now in the effort of making peace. But I think I might bring it up the next time she talks crap about my aunt/uncle, or sister's boyfriend,etc.


Cheers
personally it doesnt sound right the next time your mum is judgmental about others you take the opportunity to have a go at her...what would you gain from this really?


Give your mum the opportunity to spend time with your gf and get to know her more and trust eventually your mum will see and feel for herself how right for you your gf is....As far as being judgmental about others .......dont participate in those sort of conversations nothing good will come of it..be non committal and change the subject into positive things about the person being discussed..

especially no good will come using it as a platform for your own grievances with your mum....

let it go with your mum....say positive things about your gf to her....tell your mum lovely things about your gf..... like you want to let judgments about your gf go from your mum..and for her to see your gf as you see her..nurture positive conversations and make sure you tell your mum you respect her views and opinions but yours may differ....whatever you disagree or agree on points in conversation,you still love each other right....


so act loving towards your mother and be positive like you want or need her to be....honestly you are old enough now you make your own decisions on whom to date or not to..im sure your mother is aware of that....dont be disrespectful of her.....no son should be ......you are keen on noting she is respectful towards your gf....make sure you and your gf are respectful of her...and give her a chance to know your gf.........good luck....deb
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Last edited by todreaminblue; 9th February 2018 at 7:57 PM..
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