Did she really not know we were having a date?

[Kevinehv]

I will start of by saying that I really like this woman at work and yes I see you guys thinking "don't date someone at work", I know but this woman will soon not be my colleague anymore.

 

Anyways, I know her for quite some time. Looking back, I probably should've asked her out sooner but that was before I knew she would leave the company and I was afraid what would happen if things would not work out.

 

As far as I can tell she does like me the most of my colleagues but because we are in different shifts I only see her like 20 minutes a day so I only considered us to be colleagues.

 

We did flirt a bit, or at least, I thought she was flirting but perhaps that's just what I wanted to believe.

 

A while back I decided to ask her out for drinks and she told me she would like that. I set up a date, time and location and met her there.

 

We went to a pretty fancy restaurant, I should've reserved a table but I did not think it would be that busy (yeah bad I know) but there was still a table for 6 we could use. She really wanted a 2 person table and luckily I still managed to talk the waiters into finding one, albeit with limited time.

 

Everything went pretty well, I would not say she was all over me but we had some good conversations and laughed and she was talking about a 'next time' a few times.

 

After dinner we went to a pub to have a drink, she had to go to work soon so we did not have much time. I went to the toilet and my feeling said something was different about her.

 

After the drink I walked her to her car, asked if she was cold. She said she was a little cold so I put my arm around her but then she told me I should not touch her (I've touched her before which was no problem).

 

She told me we are just friends from work.... ouch... and asked me I thought it was a date. I could really lie about it so I told her the truth.

 

Having just been rejected by her I asked her if she really didn't know and she told me she didn't. I behaved normal and told her it's fine and I would see her at work, then we parted ways.

 

It's never fun to be rejected but I think I handled it pretty well and just accepted it.

 

But here is what's bothering me.

 

When I first saw her at work the next day she was unhappy and ignoring me. She was looking at me a few times from a distance but that's all I got. I just acted happy with my other colleagues to show her I'm not bothered by her rejection.

This is going on now for the past 3 days.

 

I would like to believe in fairytales and that I could somehow still like me but I do not have such expectations.

 

The only things that I would like to know is if you guys really think that she really thought it would just be a casual meet up ?

 

Also, why would she react to me like that ? It's not like I broke a long time friendship nor did I did something appropiate.

I hold the door for her , took her coat, pulled the chair like a gentleman. I accepted her decision like an adult but still she seems mad about something.

 

And the final question is: Should I go talk to her or not?

[Cookiesandough]

She probably had an inking but wanted to try being “just friends” anyway, She is not interested. Sorry

[preraph]

She had no reason to think it was a date. It was just a guy at work going to dinner. I mean, like you said, it's been a long time so your relationship as far as she is concerned is just a work one.

 

Of course now she feels really awkward because now she has this embarrassing situation at work and even though it sounds like you handled it fairly well, she still has to worry if you're retaliatory and will turn on her, like most women at work have been through at one time or another after telling a guy no. And also has to worry that you won't give up. Just don't interact with her except about work and be just professional and smiling when you do.

[salparadise]

Based on how you describe the "date" I strongly doubt that she thought it was just a friendly meal with a coworker. It sounds like something changed after she'd had a few drinks. Maybe she was fine with the flirting as long as it was ambiguous, but just wanted it to remain as a fantasy.

 

Did you split the check at this fancy restaurant, or did she let you pay for her? Who bought the drinks at the pub? If she viewed it coworkers having a good time, she would almost certainly have asked for separate checks.

 

She just seems mercurial and conflicted to me. Even if there was a misunderstanding as to whether it was a date, it's nothing for her to be angry about. A normal, well-adjusted person would more likely be apologetic for having given you the wrong impression.

 

Of course we're only hearing the story from your perspective. How objective do you think you are with your narrative?

 

I'd say back off if she's acting weird. Just smile and be polite. She'll either warm up again or not. Who knows?

[Cookiesandough]

She had no reason to think it was a date. It was just a guy at work going to dinner. I mean, like you said, it's been a long time so your relationship as far as she is concerned is just a work one.

 

Of course now she feels really awkward because now she has this embarrassing situation at work and even though it sounds like you handled it fairly well, she still has to worry if you're retaliatory and will turn on her, like most women at work have been through at one time or another after telling a guy no. And also has to worry that you won't give up. Just don't interact with her except about work and be just professional and smiling when you do.

 

 

If a guy I didn’t know at work approached me and asked me out for drinks for no reason at all I wouldn’t in a zillion years think he wanted to be my friend. I must just have an over-inflated ego or something. It’s just not something I’ve experienced though.

 

But I definitely think at the dinner she began to connect the dots. But by then it was too late xD

[introverted1]

So since she didn't think it was a date and thought instead it was just friends having a meal, am I right in assuming she paid for her half of dinner and then drinks at the pub?

[Yosemite]

When I first saw her at work the next day she was unhappy and ignoring me. She was looking at me a few times from a distance but that's all I got. I just acted happy with my other colleagues to show her I'm not bothered by her rejection.

This is going on now for the past 3 days.

 

Also, why would she react to me like that ?

 

And the final question is: Should I go talk to her or not?

 

You’ve handled the rejection well, but most men don’t. She’s worried that you will think that you still have a shot if she displays any friendliness towards you which is what most men would think. So she’s being cold to make sure that you don’t get the wrong message and so that you won’t keep pursuing her. She’s also worried that you could lie to your co-workers about what happened between you two, some men would do that once they realize that they have no chance.

 

Also, keep in mind, that it’s clear to her that she wasn’t flirting with you. To her, her flirting behavior and friendly behavior are nothing alike, so it’s a bit confusing from her viewpoint when a man thinks that she was flirting when she felt that she was obviously just being friendly. So she doesn’t want to continue to be friendly because it was interpreted as flirtation, so she’s left with being cold because what else is there.

 

Basically, just being nice was mistaken as flirtation, so she can’t continue to be nice, so she’s cold instead.

 

Just keep doing what you’re doing, definitely don’t try to talk to her about it. She doesn’t hate you, she’s not mad at you, she just feels that she can’t be nice/friendly to you anymore.

Edited February 7, 2018 by Yosemite

[joseb]

I'd be 99% sure she knew it was a date, but decided against following through, and used the "oh is it a date" fake as an excuse.

 

This one is done. Do not follow up. Be respectful and professional at work, nothing more.

 

And as others have asked, did she pay for her share, given it wasn't a date?

[Purrrfect]

This woman is clueless. Did she really think it was not a date? Anytime a guy asks to see me outside of work and we’re both single, I assume it’s a date.

 

She must be really naive or doesnt date much.

 

You did nothing wrong. If someone took me to diner it’s a date. If I was not remotely interested I would have declined.

 

Move on. You sound like a great date anyways !

[Imajerk17]

She had no reason to think it was a date. It was just a guy at work going to dinner. I mean, like you said, it's been a long time so your relationship as far as she is concerned is just a work one.

 

Of course now she feels really awkward because now she has this embarrassing situation at work and even though it sounds like you handled it fairly well, she still has to worry if you're retaliatory and will turn on her, like most women at work have been through at one time or another after telling a guy no. And also has to worry that you won't give up. Just don't interact with her except about work and be just professional and smiling when you do.

 

And if the OP *hadn't* made a move as he did, everyone would have been all up on him for not manning up. Cripes!

 

I think you and @Yosemite laid out well why this woman is now acting so skittish and I agree that OP needs to keep his distance. But her skittishness is on her not on OP. From what was written here OP did nothing wrong. Meanwhile RE the bolded, I don't agree, most male-female coworkers just do not meet for drinks one-on-one unless they either have been close friends for a while or there could be something there.

Edited February 8, 2018 by Imajerk17

[normal person]

She told me we are just friends from work.... ouch... and asked me I thought it was a date. I could really lie about it so I told her the truth.

 

If you ask someone out with romantic intentions, it's your responsibility to make sure you're both on the same page, not the other person's responsibility to decode the situation and figure it out for themselves.

 

I would like to believe in fairytales and that I could somehow still like me but I do not have such expectations.

 

You should've been more direct to begin with. If you want a fairy tale, you need to be Prince Charming. Prince Charming wouldn't leave any doubt in a girl's mind that he was interested in more than a friend and wanted to take her out as such. He wouldn't half-ass it and leave it vague to hedge his emotional bets. That was your mistake. I'm not saying she would've liked you had you not done this, but it wouldn't have hurt your chances.

 

The only things that I would like to know is if you guys really think that she really thought it would just be a casual meet up ?

 

As Cookies said, she probably had the idea, but since you didn't take the chance in defining it that way, you gave her a convenient excuse to decline anything further. If you had expressed romantic interest, you could at least expect some kind of further detailed explanation. But if you don't give her the "date" tag, she doesn't owe you the "You're a nice guy, but..." response.

 

Also, why would she react to me like that ? It's not like I broke a long time friendship nor did I did something appropiate.

 

Maybe she feels duped. Like you invited her out in a friendly way (from her perspective), then expected her to feel like it was something more than that.

 

I hold the door for her , took her coat, pulled the chair like a gentleman. I accepted her decision like an adult but still she seems mad about something.

 

Well, that's nice, but doing nice things for someone doesn't guarantee you anything from them.

 

And the final question is: Should I go talk to her or not?

 

If she's being cold and distant, no, you should not go talk to her. She's doing it for a reason. Either way, regardless of the terms under which you asked her, if she wanted to see you again, she would. Take the loss, learn from it, and move on. Best of luck.

[No_Go]

She knew but she wasn't ready to ramp it up. Was it your first one-on-one after work outing?

 

I've recently been through something similar and I was so so anxious I turned the guy down 3-4 times before agreeing to go out. Then after I did agree it was in day time um super extended break, and again I was so nervous I slipped things and couldn't look up when he'll compliment me.

 

So if he'll judge level of interest at that time - he'd have to say impasse. Thank god he didn't. After a little over a week he asked me to do something together again and because it was again day time low key, the anxiety calmed down. Afterwards we moved it to weekend times, and I start developing massive crush. It has been almost two months and I'm near praying for physical stuff, I'm getting so ready for it. But we are now very comfortable with each other.

 

Point being - if he 'stopped talking to me' offended after the first few rejections, we would have never had this super nice connection that we've built...

 

All I'm saying with this is: DON'T pressure her, but DO act normally, carry on as usual, no need to play games or be offended. Feelings evolve, there are other obstacles here (she may be uncomfortable with work-dating), it has just been one evening. Check in with her in a week or two and see how she is. And trust your gut

[Kevinehv]

Based on how you describe the "date" I strongly doubt that she thought it was just a friendly meal with a coworker. It sounds like something changed after she'd had a few drinks. Maybe she was fine with the flirting as long as it was ambiguous, but just wanted it to remain as a fantasy.

 

Did you split the check at this fancy restaurant, or did she let you pay for her? Who bought the drinks at the pub? If she viewed it coworkers having a good time, she would almost certainly have asked for separate checks.

 

She just seems mercurial and conflicted to me. Even if there was a misunderstanding as to whether it was a date, it's nothing for her to be angry about. A normal, well-adjusted person would more likely be apologetic for having given you the wrong impression.

 

Of course we're only hearing the story from your perspective. How objective do you think you are with your narrative?

 

I'd say back off if she's acting weird. Just smile and be polite. She'll either warm up again or not. Who knows?

 

Well to be honest, she did want to split the bill but I insisted on paying for it and she told me she would pay next time... she did let me buy the drinks later.

 

I'm trying to be as fair as possible, it would not help me to lie about anything although it's still my perspective.

[mortensorchid]

I tried to date someone I worked with, I had a crush on him. WHen I asked if he wanted to hang out he texted back "I am not interested in you romantically." I texted back "Well love makes you fat, doesn't it?" Erased his number and all texts, never spoke a word again.

 

That was 4 years ago still hurting inside. Something inside me died I was so humiliated. Don't do it with this gal or anyone else you work with. YOu'll be good in the long run. I'm still broken in a million little pieces.

[Kevinehv]

She knew but she wasn't ready to ramp it up. Was it your first one-on-one after work outing?

 

I've recently been through something similar and I was so so anxious I turned the guy down 3-4 times before agreeing to go out. Then after I did agree it was in day time um super extended break, and again I was so nervous I slipped things and couldn't look up when he'll compliment me.

 

So if he'll judge level of interest at that time - he'd have to say impasse. Thank god he didn't. After a little over a week he asked me to do something together again and because it was again day time low key, the anxiety calmed down. Afterwards we moved it to weekend times, and I start developing massive crush. It has been almost two months and I'm near praying for physical stuff, I'm getting so ready for it. But we are now very comfortable with each other.

 

Point being - if he 'stopped talking to me' offended after the first few rejections, we would have never had this super nice connection that we've built...

 

All I'm saying with this is: DON'T pressure her, but DO act normally, carry on as usual, no need to play games or be offended. Feelings evolve, there are other obstacles here (she may be uncomfortable with work-dating), it has just been one evening. Check in with her in a week or two and see how she is. And trust your gut

 

Yes, it was our first one-on-one outing after work. I suppose there's always a chance something will develop later but since she will leave the company soon it will probably not happen simply because I won't see her other than on Facebook.

[No_Go]

Yes, it was our first one-on-one outing after work. I suppose there's always a chance something will develop later but since she will leave the company soon it will probably not happen simply because I won't see her other than on Facebook.

 

Well you can be proactive If you have her contacts, you can reach out after she leaves. It's the safer bet anyway.

[Cookiesandough]

Well to be honest, she did want to split the bill but I insisted on paying for it and she told me she would pay next time... she did let me buy the drinks later.

 

I'm trying to be as fair as possible, it would not help me to lie about anything although it's still my perspective.

 

I remember I was out with a guy. I knew wanted more and I did not, but I decided it was harmless. Maybe he'd get the hint since I told him I'm just looking for friends and dropped the word 'friend' a lot. This was back when I believed in this stuff. So we're sitting there in the jazz bar and I'm thinking 'Cool. An older dude-friend. Never had one.' Next thing I know he's ordering wine, chocolates to pair them with. I'm like 'oh...this is... oh okay.'

 

 

So I say "well let me pay, I insist" and the dude wouldn't let me pay. So I went home and paypaled his email the money. I realize that was even more of a slap in the face now. But he got his money back and the message I wasn't interested.

 

So yeah, women really can be that naive I guess. But I did kind of know he had a thing for me, but things just escalated so quickly

Edited February 8, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[salparadise]

This was back when I believed in this stuff.

 

Believed in what stuff... that men take women out on dates to pursue platonic friendship?

 

So yeah, women really can be that naive I guess. But I did kind of know he had a thing for me, but things just escalated so quickly

 

I think it's interesting how the mind and emotions can be so ambivalent, confused, and in denial, whereas the fundamental nature of male-female interaction is as consistent as sunrise and sunset.

 

I think OP's lady-friend probably wanted to be pursued in an ambiguous way, like a live fantasy where they just flirt and flirt, but she never has to deal with anything as scary or invasive as a hug or a kiss.

[act00]

An evening date on a weekend would not leave a whole lot of question that it was a date. Especially if he paid for everything and especially after flirting and seeming attraction at work. Maybe she was in denial that this is what it was, but I honestly can't see it as anything else. If in the day time, maybe a simple activity, then that would be different.

 

I talked with a coworker during break for a few weeks, usually a group, and at some point, he asked me out. There was no flirting, though I was attracted to him, and so I thought it must be mutual. He asked me out, and said "my treat," for 2 o'clock on a Sunday. That's where I got confused. Is this a date or not? We had a nice time but no kiss or anything, but a hug, so I was left being a bit confused as to what just happened, but I thought it was in the "date" direction. It was still unclear what his thoughts were, though. We planned to meet again, this time on the weekend, a dinner at home thing, and yes, it was a romantic interest, because that's when I got some smoochie. The moral of the story is it can be questionable whether or not it's a date, but to me, an evening weekend (working the same schedules) date is more suggestive of date and romantic interest than an afternoon, let's grab some lunch or coffee. The fact that there was flirtation and more obvious physical attraction prior to this outing is another reason to believe it was more than platonic.

 

Her behavior? I don't know why the display of hostility other than not knowing quite how to handle it or feeling like a piece of work-meat?? I don't know. That's the trouble with coworkers, is you don't know how they'll behave afterwards, and that can spell trouble. I think you should just go on doing what you normally do and converse and be friendly with coworkers, and say hello to her and talk to her when it's appropriate and you are in the same vicinity, the way you would in the past. Don't seek her out, but be professional and friendly when she's around. Hopefully she'll come around and loosen up, but she's leaving soon anyway.

 

As for FB friends, perhaps she'll reach out to you after she's in her new job or she won't. I think at this point you have your answer, so you need to wait on her to make a move if she was just being squicky about the work-thing, but don't hold your breath. Your description sounds like you were a gentleman and above board. Don't let her behavior get you down.

[No_Go]

Believed in what stuff... that men take women out on dates to pursue platonic friendship?

 

 

 

I think it's interesting how the mind and emotions can be so ambivalent, confused, and in denial, whereas the fundamental nature of male-female interaction is as consistent as sunrise and sunset.

 

I think OP's lady-friend probably wanted to be pursued in an ambiguous way, like a live fantasy where they just flirt and flirt, but she never has to deal with anything as scary or invasive as a hug or a kiss.

 

It is not games salparadise. It looks straightforward but mind makes it ambiguous because of fear of rejection. Flirting is inconsequential, anything else - a vulnerability, so it is normal to trigger fears.

[Kevinehv]

An evening date on a weekend would not leave a whole lot of question that it was a date. Especially if he paid for everything and especially after flirting and seeming attraction at work. Maybe she was in denial that this is what it was, but I honestly can't see it as anything else. If in the day time, maybe a simple activity, then that would be different.

 

I talked with a coworker during break for a few weeks, usually a group, and at some point, he asked me out. There was no flirting, though I was attracted to him, and so I thought it must be mutual. He asked me out, and said "my treat," for 2 o'clock on a Sunday. That's where I got confused. Is this a date or not? We had a nice time but no kiss or anything, but a hug, so I was left being a bit confused as to what just happened, but I thought it was in the "date" direction. It was still unclear what his thoughts were, though. We planned to meet again, this time on the weekend, a dinner at home thing, and yes, it was a romantic interest, because that's when I got some smoochie. The moral of the story is it can be questionable whether or not it's a date, but to me, an evening weekend (working the same schedules) date is more suggestive of date and romantic interest than an afternoon, let's grab some lunch or coffee. The fact that there was flirtation and more obvious physical attraction prior to this outing is another reason to believe it was more than platonic.

 

Her behavior? I don't know why the display of hostility other than not knowing quite how to handle it or feeling like a piece of work-meat?? I don't know. That's the trouble with coworkers, is you don't know how they'll behave afterwards, and that can spell trouble. I think you should just go on doing what you normally do and converse and be friendly with coworkers, and say hello to her and talk to her when it's appropriate and you are in the same vicinity, the way you would in the past. Don't seek her out, but be professional and friendly when she's around. Hopefully she'll come around and loosen up, but she's leaving soon anyway.

 

As for FB friends, perhaps she'll reach out to you after she's in her new job or she won't. I think at this point you have your answer, so you need to wait on her to make a move if she was just being squicky about the work-thing, but don't hold your breath. Your description sounds like you were a gentleman and above board. Don't let her behavior get you down.

 

To be honest I don't think being colleagues would matter to hear because she will leave soon anyways and I know for sure she dated a guy at work before.

 

I do not believe she will suddenly reach out in the future. That's why part of me wants to just talk to her one more time before she leaves but I guess that's probably not going to help me.

 

As for guys having casual drinks with women.... I do not think there are many men who would do something like that unless you have some important thing to discuss, it's work-related (lunch break) or if he is gay.

 

Men usually are interested in a woman they ask to have drinks with.

[Kevinehv]

I remember I was out with a guy. I knew wanted more and I did not, but I decided it was harmless. Maybe he'd get the hint since I told him I'm just looking for friends and dropped the word 'friend' a lot. This was back when I believed in this stuff. So we're sitting there in the jazz bar and I'm thinking 'Cool. An older dude-friend. Never had one.' Next thing I know he's ordering wine, chocolates to pair them with. I'm like 'oh...this is... oh okay.'

 

 

So I say "well let me pay, I insist" and the dude wouldn't let me pay. So I went home and paypaled his email the money. I realize that was even more of a slap in the face now. But he got his money back and the message I wasn't interested.

 

So yeah, women really can be that naive I guess. But I did kind of know he had a thing for me, but things just escalated so quickly

 

How did you know he wanted more ? And why did you actually go out with him even though you did not want him ?

[Kevinehv]

Well you can be proactive If you have her contacts, you can reach out after she leaves. It's the safer bet anyway.

 

I suppose it can't do any (more) harm to contact her after she leaves the company. However, I have no clue how to start and if I should bring up what happened before.

[Kevinehv]

If a guy I didn’t know at work approached me and asked me out for drinks for no reason at all I wouldn’t in a zillion years think he wanted to be my friend. I must just have an over-inflated ego or something. It’s just not something I’ve experienced though.

 

But I definitely think at the dinner she began to connect the dots. But by then it was too late xD

 

At the dinner I did not feel like she already connected the dots because she had no problem going to another location with me afterwards, she could've just left right there.

 

Also, is it normal for a woman to ask how far I live from the center ?

[Kevinehv]

And if the OP *hadn't* made a move as he did, everyone would have been all up on him for not manning up. Cripes!

 

I think you and @Yosemite laid out well why this woman is now acting so skittish and I agree that OP needs to keep his distance. But her skittishness is on her not on OP. From what was written here OP did nothing wrong. Meanwhile RE the bolded, I don't agree, most male-female coworkers just do not meet for drinks one-on-one unless they either have been close friends for a while or there could be something there.

 

Pretty sure I did the right thing making a move indeed, I do not regret that. + I already touched her before which was not a problem at that moment.