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Finally slept with a year-long crush but...


Sandwoman

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I've posted about this guy before but something finally happened...

 

We met more than a year ago introduced by professors at a social event, had amazing conversations and I know his family and their friends in the professional circle, all very closely interconnected. There's always been a romantic tension there. The professors even joked about us once. He invited me to things once or twice so I marginally know some of his friends too. I've had a secret crush on him since we first met.

 

Throughout the year, we've been on a sporadic couple of "dates" (50/50 initiation) one-on-one lunches/drinks/day activities and have always had fun and intellectually stimulating conversations (we know many things in common working in the same field and there was crystal clearly chemistry). Despite him offering to pay, planning, and some subtle flirtations, he never actually made a move. Also maybe because he travels most of the time (weeks, sometimes months abroad) (I did too for four months in the summer) we only met up fewer than 10 times throughout the year. Minimal texting in between. Two months ago, I got so discouraged after him no texting after a seemingly promising and intense "date," I just gave up and somewhat withdrew.

 

A week ago, he finally came back from a month-long biz trip and asked me out again. Assuming another friendly catchup, I was surprised it was a reserved romantic dinner and after hours of casual intellectual discussions as usual, he finally invited me home for some drinks...The apartment was clearly carefully cleaned up and organized for this...

 

Before we did anything, the conversation got personal and emotional and I finally asked what happened before... He said he's always single, he was just so pre-occupied with work and was worried he wouldn't be able to fulfill the obligations that come with a relationship at this stage because of the insanely long-time traveling. He was hesitant also he foresees the pressure (of marriage) that will come from his family if he has a girlfriend (who also knows his family friends circle I assume). I said because our professional realm is so complicated, I really prefer no pressure/attention/gossip and keeping things private if we start dating and am totally fine with ambiguity. He seemed surprised (maybe relieved) and said there shouldn't be ambiguity in a relationship for too long it gets messy as our professions are already very volatile... Then we discussed let's have no expectation for now (as he mentioned he's not sure if he's at the right place to start something but does like me).

 

Then I asked if this would be a friends-with-benefits or one-night-stand situation, he said definitely no that it's much more than physical that's why he's been hesitant because he knows romance can go south easily and he was afraid to risk what we had. He thought he'd rather we never start anything than ruin our friendship in a short relationship. Then we had sex...

 

It was super intense and felt like a dream (I've wanted this for a long time and it turned out to be amazing). He asked me to stay the night and when we woke up, he cooked a full meal for me, cleaned up, took care of things and we hung out until very late afternoon. He was very sweet and caring the whole time. It felt surreal as I've had a crush on him for a year and thought this would never happen.

 

After I got home, I waited a couple of hours and texted him asking how he's feeling. He said he's feeling ok and is hanging out with a bunch of friends from college. I said sounds nice... That's the only interaction we've had since then. Three days have passed and no word from him...I'm disappointed because I thought our intimacy has leveled up through the talks and sex, so more communication is to be expected. It feels like those great "dates" we've had where he led me on but then no follow-ups and nothing really happened...

 

I know I said no expectations, but I'd like to know if I should be offended by this kind of silent negligence and just give up (again...)? or wait it out and keep playing this game...(who can predict when/if he'll come back)?

Edited by Sandwoman
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He may need time to process things. It shouldn’t take much longer though. I’d he doesn’t contact you in 5-7 days, it seems like it was ONS, sorry. But I have the gut feeling he’ll reach out. Could it be he was a virgin (talking about not having gfs etc)? How old is he?

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You said no expectations yet you have expectations.

 

I never understood why people say things they don't really mean, then get upset when a situation plays out according to what they said they wanted.

 

I'm sorry, but to me, it appears you are playing games. Kinda like you tricked him into sex by saying or agreeing to what you knew he wanted yet really expecting something different. It sounded like he would have preferred to not get sexual with you if this would be the outcome.

 

Now, having said that, as a man, I'm sensing booty call. Like whenever he blows into town and your schedules align it will be a hookup. Thanks for you actually listened to him he doesn't want a relationship.

 

I guess if you can really accept that I say go for it sense your so into him. Just realize he isn't that into you, if he were he would be more proactive..he is no rookie, he knows what he is doing.

 

You should keep your options open and continue to pursue other possibilities.

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todreaminblue

i don't feel you should be offended..when you said or agreed to no expectations though it sort of set this scenario up...i feel you are already invested whereas he isnt......you will just have to wait and see how things pan out...what i do suggest fi you do see him again dont continue to have sex with him....because the same sort of situation will probably happen again ...

 

 

clarify what you are happy with and what you arent....the no expectation thing...really doesnt work..everyone has some sort of expectation in a relationship that involves sex....in my opinion taking it slow might be a good idea.....rather than no expectations...a casual communication style where you actually answer texts or calls but not every day that you speak or text....

 

for if there are no expectations...what are you doing...what is he doing......deb

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You said no expectations yet you have expectations.

 

I never understood why people say things they don't really mean, then get upset when a situation plays out according to what they said they wanted.

 

I'm sorry, but to me, it appears you are playing games. Kinda like you tricked him into sex by saying or agreeing to what you knew he wanted yet really expecting something different. It sounded like he would have preferred to not get sexual with you if this would be the outcome.

 

Now, having said that, as a man, I'm sensing booty call. Like whenever he blows into town and your schedules align it will be a hookup. Thanks for you actually listened to him he doesn't want a relationship.

 

I guess if you can really accept that I say go for it sense your so into him. Just realize he isn't that into you, if he were he would be more proactive..he is no rookie, he knows what he is doing.

 

You should keep your options open and continue to pursue other possibilities.

 

I think its a bit unfair to say that I "tricked him into sex." I honestly wasn’t thinking about sex/expectations/relationship - I was caught off guard by this surprising development of the event. As I said, I went into the "date" without any expectation (thought it was a “non-date date” thing as before that's been going on for a year...) and just wanted to catch up and have some flirtations (I mentally partly gave him up 1-2 months ago.) It just naturally got so intense and all the romantic feelings (from the crush) rushed back when I saw him and he was clearly seducing me... I would've slept with him no matter what happens and I just grew to be more emotionally attached after sex...

 

It all happened very fast.

Edited by Sandwoman
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i don't feel you should be offended..when you said or agreed to no expectations though it sort of set this scenario up...i feel you are already invested whereas he isnt......you will just have to wait and see how things pan out...what i do suggest fi you do see him again dont continue to have sex with him....because the same sort of situation will probably happen again ...

 

 

clarify what you are happy with and what you arent....the no expectation thing...really doesnt work..everyone has some sort of expectation in a relationship that involves sex....in my opinion taking it slow might be a good idea.....rather than no expectations...a casual communication style where you actually answer texts or calls but not every day that you speak or text....

 

for if there are no expectations...what are you doing...what is he doing......deb

 

Thanks! On retrospect, I think I said "no expectation" because I was entirely lost in the moment and just wanted to enjoy it without complications. It's after I felt intense longings for deeper emotional intimacy...It was also after I said no expectation that he agrees he had no expectation either and he said he doesn't really like ambiguity.

 

So it's a little messy...I don't know when and if he will text me again, but if he does, your idea is very good...I doubt he just wanted a one night stand. He's very good looking and successful for our age, he can easily get sex without risking his reputation in the field...(I know his family and many professionals in common)

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todreaminblue
Thanks! On retrospect, I think I said "no expectation" because I was entirely lost in the moment and just wanted to enjoy it without complications. It's after I felt intense longings for deeper emotional intimacy...It was also after I said no expectation that he agrees he had no expectation either and he said he doesn't really like ambiguity.

 

So it's a little messy...I don't know when and if he will text me again, but if he does, your idea is very good...I doubt he just wanted a one night stand. He's very good looking and successful for our age, he can easily get sex without risking his reputation in the field...(I know his family and many professionals in common)

 

 

i really hope it works out for you sandie, im not surprised you felt a desire for a deeper connection you have already crushed on the guy for over a year...in that case you arent really interested in a casual fling huh.....obviously he has captured your heart.....so it makes sense...:))..i know the feeling...smilin..does he know you have liked him for that long?..best wishes...deb

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i really hope it works out for you sandie, im not surprised you felt a desire for a deeper connection you have already crushed on the guy for over a year...in that case you arent really interested in a casual fling huh.....obviously he has captured your heart.....so it makes sense...:))..i know the feeling...smilin..does he know you have liked him for that long?..best wishes...deb

 

Hi Deb, thanks so much for your understanding...Tbh, I had other side crushes during the year (he was the strongest) and really thought I'd become indifferent since 1-2 months ago...ah so dumb...forgot how emotional I felt about him :(

 

We've been on a handful of dates since we met. The chemistry was always there...I thought there's always been a mutual attraction from the beginning that he's aware of and decided not to take further (so it became a limbo kind of situation and I left it and then the sudden development) now possibly limbo again...

 

I hope it makes sense...

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Sandwoman, I was in a similar situation with a man, (except older and this guy has never married), so I read your story with interest. As your story develops, and gets to the point of being in his house, I know that I cannot have sex with the guy as you did. I read on hoping for a happy ending, but at the end you revealed that he's ignoring you again. But this is not completely surprising given his pattern of behavior. This is why I keep my guy at arms length even when he tries to play a romantic part. I guess I'm quite sensitive, and casual sex is not for me.

Men like that are single for a reason. They make sure no woman gets close to them, that's why they ignore you, to send a clear message that you and him do not have a relationship of any sort. He will not change but he may play the part again when he feels like having sex.

If you can handle that sort of thing, maybe ok for you to have this type of sex. But I think it's not healthy for you. Be good to yourself and find a good man who'll treat you well.

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Sex changes everything, including things that are said before and right after. His actions don't seem to be those of someone on the same page as you. I would think that if things were as wonderful for him that he'd show more attention, or maybe he is just not sure of his feelings right now and is contemplating going forward with you or not. I think for you, this hopefully moves into a relationship because you now can't just be friends with him again.

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Sex changes everything, including things that are said before and right after. His actions don't seem to be those of someone on the same page as you. I would think that if things were as wonderful for him that he'd show more attention, or maybe he is just not sure of his feelings right now and is contemplating going forward with you or not. I think for you, this hopefully moves into a relationship because you now can't just be friends with him again.

 

Thanks. I'll try to calm down. Before the sex, I really wasn't thinking about the relationship... The next afternoon after him cooking and everything, and we were cuddling and was getting a little heated. I felt differently and attached and said "I feel like this is a bit fast, I thought we were just friends..." He said, "we can take it fast or slow." Then we had sex again and I left...Did i say anything wrong?

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Having been in similar situations, I'd probably text him once more saying something like, "Hey, I had a great time with you the other day and would love to meet up again. Let me know when you're free to get together."

 

Then, I'd be done until I heard from him again. The ball is totally in his court and it's up to him to contact you if he wants to keep this going. If you don't hear from him, I'd just assume that it was a ONS. If you do, all the better. But I'd leave no ambiguity that you enjoyed the night and want to see him again soon. Then, if he doesn't, at least you have your answer and can move on accordingly.

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Communicate.....tell him what you want. He is holding his cards close to his chest trying to not get too investing in someone that doesn't give him any real indication of their intentions. Basically he is leaving the ball in your court...you are going to have to take the lead in this.

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Ruby Slippers

I get the impression you're a lot more into him than he is you. A man is not going to let 3 days go by after sex without getting in touch with a woman he really likes.

 

Yeah, I know he said he's "too busy" for a relationship, but if he meets a woman who really knocks his socks off, he'll find a way to make it work.

 

I get the impression you're going to chase him and try to lock him down, but I don't think is a good strategy for the long term. I think you'd have a lot of wondering, waiting, questioning, and hand-wringing to look forward to.

 

A lot of times when people are swept up in attraction, especially in their younger years, they mistake their own desire for mutual chemistry, when it's really much more one-sided than they realize.

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This same situation happened to me, except the man was my professor and I was his student. It was a lesson I will never forget and quite frankly, I am a little bummed I paid that guy 10,000$ for the semester-what a jerk!! LOL. Seriously, I would listen to the others, he simply was able to control his emotions while seducing you, I would move on...or at least guard yourself...if I could turn back time...I would like to say I would have reacted calmly instead of spazzing out...then again, I'm glad I gave him hell while he was around...I hope he at least felt one emotion when he thought of me--pissed off! I hope that you can emotionally sort this out better than I did though...I suffered dearly for it, education wise, financial wise and emotionally...take care of you, ok? Be good to yourself, because you most likely just got had...I'm sorry for that. Some men are incapable of playing by the rules or being honest. Their day will come...I hope that everything works out well for you. You didn't do anything wrong except expect the man to care...but we have to care about ourselves more...that is what I learned. Be good to yourself, good luck. Sending loving thoughts your way...

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Just remember, never make excuses for a grown man. Oh he's too busy, shy, been hurt before, needs more time, didn't know you liked him, etc. etc.

After one year? No. You just treat yourself right.

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It seems like your idea of "no expectations" is different than his. You're thinking more in terms of LTR but let's not get ahead of ourselves and date and see where it goes (expecting more time, more text/talk/dates), and he's thinking more along the lines of some companionship and sex whenever he wants to take the time to make it happen.

 

If you want to connect, have some sex, dinners, and spend some time with this guy when he's available, have fun with it...and by this I mean you have to detach yourself from the idea that this relationship is going to go anywhere. You have to accept it. You can crush on him, but you have to detach yourself from the idea of relationship. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won't. If you are too emotionally invested and want more, this type of setup with casual encounters every once in awhile will kill you. It will hurt even worse if he finds "the one," and that one isn't you.

 

I got involved with someone who would full out disappear and then reemerge, and I just enjoy him a great deal, and the sex is really good, but I realized a long time ago, it's not going anywhere. He's not in it 100% (there are other life factors at play), and I realized that he and I as a couple maybe aren't the best match, and I genuinely have no expectations, but I'm presently not in a relationship, and if the wind blows in my direction, I take what I can. I enjoy the affection, the company, the food, the sex, and it's just nice. I really, really like spending time with the guy. I do have pangs of hurt, and this can't be avoided, but I guess it's the mindset of truly not expecting more. I don't recommend embarking on this type of relationship; it's not even a reliable FWB situation. I get very attached with sex and affection, so it's beyond me how I'm accepting this. Maybe it's my age.

 

I think you need to accept this isn't going to go anywhere. Who knows where his head is at, but if you pursue this, be cautiously optimistic and keep your options open for a man who is more available. If you feel used, you can't pursue this type of relationship. If you feel strong feelings that are not reciprocated, even when last night's conversation suggested otherwise, you can't be on this ping-pong, roller coaster. His words and actions need to blend, and so far, it seems they're not.

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Sometimes you can have strong chemistry with someone where the potential for a relationship is nil. I have to agree that chasing this particular guy isn't a good idea - if he's confident and easily pursues what he wants, that's his typical mode of behavior and you should consider that in context with your interactions with him.

 

He finds you attractive and enjoys your company, but he's not interested in pursuing anything serious with you and has indicated that he wants to avoid any relationship-like obligations (such as regular contact). People aren't hesitant to get involved with a person who hits all of the buttons, they avoid getting involved when they know they don't have the feelings that they require to pursue a relationship.

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If you want casual sex then I think it's important not to sleep over or cuddle too much afterward, or do the breakfast thing. That sort of thing always pushes toward a closer relationship.

 

I think you want more than that and you were not honest with him when you said no expectations. That is why one poster said you tricked him into sex. I wouldn't go that far, but you did mislead him into thinking you would be ok with something you are not.

 

 

Going forward.

 

If you want more than to be a an occasional booty call you're going to have to reach out to him and find a way to let him know what you would like.

 

If you do this, there is a very real possibility he will reject you. But which is worse: the pain of being rejected but knowing where you stand or the pain of being almost always disconnected from someone you care about?

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What if I shoot him an email...

 

Hey, how’s it going? Hope you are having a productive week. Hmm...I was just thinking about what happened the other day (not sure what your thoughts are…) Do you want to communicate? I think you are right that ambiguity might unnecessarily complicate our already precarious lives…let me know what you want? We can discuss or whatever.

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I think you have every right to get answers and the email sounds good.

 

What if I shoot him an email...

 

Hey, how’s it going? Hope you are having a productive week. Hmm...I was just thinking about what happened the other day (not sure what your thoughts are…) Do you want to communicate? I think you are right that ambiguity might unnecessarily complicate our already precarious lives…let me know what you want? We can discuss or whatever.

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Ruby Slippers
What if I shoot him an email...

 

Hey, how’s it going? Hope you are having a productive week. Hmm...I was just thinking about what happened the other day (not sure what your thoughts are…) Do you want to communicate? I think you are right that ambiguity might unnecessarily complicate our already precarious lives…let me know what you want? We can discuss or whatever.

Some women are fine with chasing men. I think it's a waste of time. At best, you'll get more sex and "fun" with him, but men don't get interested or commit because it's pulled out of them.

 

When a man is really interested in a woman, he'll move heaven and earth to make it work. You won't ever have to wonder where you stand.

 

If he wants to communicate, he'll contact you. The fact that he's not contacting you tells you everything you need to know.

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Having been in similar situations, I'd probably text him once more saying something like, "Hey, I had a great time with you the other day and would love to meet up again. Let me know when you're free to get together."

 

Then, I'd be done until I heard from him again. The ball is totally in his court and it's up to him to contact you if he wants to keep this going. If you don't hear from him, I'd just assume that it was a ONS. If you do, all the better. But I'd leave no ambiguity that you enjoyed the night and want to see him again soon. Then, if he doesn't, at least you have your answer and can move on accordingly.

 

Thanks...I honestly don't think he meant it as an ONS...and I don't want things to get weird...do you think the email above is ok?

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Communicate.....tell him what you want. He is holding his cards close to his chest trying to not get too investing in someone that doesn't give him any real indication of their intentions. Basically he is leaving the ball in your court...you are going to have to take the lead in this.

 

Thanks! Do you think the email above sounds good? I don't want to seem desperate or angry...We've been friends after all and I'd like to keep the connection even if he says no to a relationship...

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