Girlfriend thinks she wants to be alone

[joemax]

Going to try to make a long story’short. Been with my gf for a year and a half, she’s 21 and I’m 29, completely head over heels for her. She lives 4 hours away for school, and we’ve been making it work with visits to each other every 2-3 weeks. Last night, we had a little discussion where she said she was upset our communication lately hadn’t been good, and then out of nowhere told me that she’s never been alone, she doesn’t love herself, and that she thinks she needs space. She then retracted after we talked and said let’s wait a few weeks until we see each other before we make any decision.

 

I don’t want to lose this girl, she’s everything to me. My heart is shattering right now and I don’tknow what to do.

[BaileyB]

She is very young, she has probably not ever been alone, and she is still maturing and trying to "find herself..." These are important things for a young woman. It sounds like you are at two very different life stages right now...

 

All you can do is give her the space she is asking for...

 

I'm sorry to say it, but I would try to manage my expectations if I was you. It's probably unlikely that this relationship will go the distance...

Edited February 6, 2018 by BaileyB

[PegNosePete]

said let’s wait a few weeks until we see each other before we make any decision.

It sounds like her decision is already made. She wants to wait a few weeks in order for you to get used to the idea of breaking up, and make the conversation easier for her.

 

I don’t want to lose this girl

She's not lost. She knows exactly what she is doing. She is dumping you.

 

Sorry.

[Flame Aura]

Agreed. She wants to break up. Sounds like she wants to be single, and probably knows you want to settle down.

 

Im sure it hurts as you are in love. But can't really blame her. You are at different stages of your life. I would have thought with the age gap you would have known this might happen.

[d0nnivain]

She's facing a huge transition in her life. This is probably her last year in college & she has no idea what she wants to do. She realizes you are coming up on 30 & probably want to settle down. Yet, she hasn't lived yet.

 

She's shaking up her life to see what else is out there & sadly you may be one the things that gets left behind.

 

All you can do is behave with dignity. Let her go. Don't grovel. Take time to heal.

[Kentucky]

Joe, I’d go no contact. Do not call or text her. She needs space, give it to her. If you don’t, she will be 100 percent gone. If you do, she may see what her life will be like without you. If she’s not happy with that, she’ll come running back, if she’s happy with that, she’s gone, it’s a lost cause.

 

There’s nothing you can do, she gets to call the shots. It sounds like she’s gone for now. Do not chase her, that will have her running towards the hills.

[kendahke]

She's barely an adult and you've had an 8 year head start and are at a completely different place in your life (wanting to settle down) and she's just begun her journey, to which she's entitled to take, as were you when you were 21.

 

Bend your mind to this relationship being over except for the breaking up.

[BluesPower]

This age difference at this age is huge...

 

She is just too young. If it was 39 and 31 it would be different.

 

And truth be told, sorry buddy, she wants to sample the rest of the male population.

 

Please do yourself a favor and behave with dignity. Just let her go.

 

On the off chance that she contacts you after you break up maybe it can work in the future, but probably not.

 

Really, the best thing that you could do is call her, break up nicely and start dating when you are ready.

 

Please don't try to beg her back, it is degrading to all men, most of all yourself...

[Space Ritual]

OP,

 

She is 21 and at college. You know what 21 year olds do at college? Drink and screw.

 

Sorry to say, but she is just like millions of other 21 year old college students.

 

At 29, almost 30 years old, surely you have not forgotten what you did throughout your 20's?

 

Look, I am not a big proponent of age difference(I'm turning 53 next week, the girl I am seeing is 26 so she is half my age). The thing though is, that we are CASUAL so outside of purely physical attraction and sex, we have little in common. So that's why we decided that when the next good thing rolls around for her, that I'll bow out and thank her for the fun while it lasted. And I'll never feel regret.

 

The difference between 21 and 29 s far less, however, you have enough in common with her that you've been exclusive for a while. But in reality, you re making your own way now in life, which she is just experiencing for the first time, real adulthood.

 

May/December romances, while not always the case, usually falter because one or the other (usually the December partner) gets all wrapped up trying to rekindle the feeling of a torrid romance where none really exists.

 

What you feel is quite common when these romances turn serious...its also common that unless you are only casually invested, December will always get the short end of the stick.

 

Thank her for the wonderful tines you had together and move on. She is trying to tell you that she has others at college she is attracted to, and wants to wrap things up with you on decent terms. She cares for you, but does not love you.

 

A hard pill to swallow for a man of any age, but at the very least she is giving you the out now so you 2 can end this before she sleeps with one of these guys at school...which she is telegraphing to you she is going to and is trying to spare your feelings.

 

It does not make it hurt for you any less, but in a roundabout way she is doing you a favor. And you need to see it for what it is and act accordingly.

 

Again a hard pill to swallow...but a pill you must.

 

Good Luck. I know these types of things are emasculating for us guys because we have fragile egos. But in the future, when you are married and have kids with someone whom wants to spend the rest of their lives with you, you'll silently thank this 21 year old in your mind for being honest and allowing you to find the one who does love you.

[Space Ritual]

I would have thought with the age gap you would have known this might happen.

 

Yes most of us do in hindsight...but our fragile egos rarely allow us to wrap our heads around this until it's too late, and we have made a completely unrealistic emotional investment. Which is why all my relationships for the past 20+ years have consisted of short duration and knowing when the flame of attraction is beginning to burn out.

 

My adage always has been "There will always be a guy who comes along with better looks, more money and a bigger dick. So ride it for all it's worth and move on when it's time".

 

 

I do not take any of it lightly. I just know well enough when it's time to fold.

 

Most of us guys need a lot of practice in learning the art of the fold. lol

[basil67]

I'm sorry Joe. At 21, she deserves more than a boyfriend who she can only see every 2-3 weeks. She needs to experience what it's like to have a guy who she can go out with and be held by on a much more regular basis. A partner in crime who she can get about with.

 

She obviously cares about you, but it's time for her to move on.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry Joe. At 21, she deserves more than a boyfriend who she can only see every 2-3 weeks. She needs to experience what it's like to have a guy who she can go out with and be held by on a much more regular basis. A partner in crime who she can get about with.

Basil67 -- she's the one away at college. I think if she was local, Joe would see her more often. They have made the distance work for 1.5 years. . . so starting when she was 19 & he was 27. That is part of the fundamental flaw / lack of foundation here.

 

JoeMax -- this is what happens when grown men date teenagers. They are both on the same plane when it starts. However, the teenagers grow up & get smarter / more mature. The adult was already done growing so now the teenager surpasses the attractive older man & it's not fun for her anymore.

[heavenonearth]

Basil67 -- she's the one away at college. I think if she was local, Joe would see her more often. They have made the distance work for 1.5 years. . . so starting when she was 19 & he was 27. That is part of the fundamental flaw / lack of foundation here.

 

JoeMax -- this is what happens when grown men date teenagers. They are both on the same plane when it starts. However, the teenagers grow up & get smarter / more mature. The adult was already done growing so now the teenager surpasses the attractive older man & it's not fun for her anymore.

 

This! Unfortunately, OP, your girlfriend is now finding herself and realizes she needs to spread her wings and fly away. From you. Sorry.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I'm really sorry to hear that. I honestly think its an excuse and a sign that she will leave you. I've had guys pull this on me too, code for I don't want to be w/you anymore.

[dude360]

OP, she is either screwing someone else at college or is eyeballing someone she wants to screw.

 

All these excuses of age difference or "oh, she wants 'discover' herself" is code word for she's into someone else.

 

Think about it. If she was really into you, would she want to "discover" herself?

 

Of course not. She'd be doing anything she can to lock you down.

 

There is some good advice here which is DO NOT GROVEL OR BEG.

 

If she asks for a breakup simply say "Okay. No worries. It was fun." Move on.

[SevenCity]

OP, she is either screwing someone else at college or is eyeballing someone she wants to screw.

 

All these excuses of age difference or "oh, she wants 'discover' herself" is code word for she's into someone else.

 

Think about it. If she was really into you, would she want to "discover" herself?

 

Of course not. She'd be doing anything she can to lock you down.

 

There is some good advice here which is DO NOT GROVEL OR BEG.

 

If she asks for a breakup simply say "Okay. No worries. It was fun." Move on.

 

This is incredibly difficult advice to follow a when you are really in love with a woman, but something nearly every dumpee wish they did follow once they start feeling better about things.

 

Do your best to act just like this. I might throw in "Give me a call if you change your mind" but honestly it won't matter - if she's ever to come back she will (she likely will not) unless you beg and plead.

 

Only better advice is to do a preemptive dumping.

[phineas]

There is someone else.

sorry I know it sucks but time to end this and hit the gym.

[kendahke]

All these excuses of age difference or "oh, she wants 'discover' herself" is code word for she's into someone else.

 

And that someone else is probably in his early 20's like her, someone with whom she has way more in common. Human nature is to gravitate towards those with whom one has things in common.

 

No, it's also plain speak for she's 21, she's finally has reached the age of majority and is entitled to her experiences that will make her who she becomes, as is everyone else who've lived well past 21.

[Be_Strong]

You just received the classic, “it’s not you, it’s me.” The world would be a much simpler place if people simply said, “I don’t want to date you anymore. We’re done. Goodbye.” But, instead, she fed you BS about wanting to be alone and discovering herself.

[GorillaTheater]

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[olivetree]

You just received the classic, “it’s not you, it’s me.” The world would be a much simpler place if people simply said, “I don’t want to date you anymore. We’re done. Goodbye.” But, instead, she fed you BS about wanting to be alone and discovering herself.

 

I have a young friend (early 20's) who was dating a guy who was 10 years older (early 30's).

 

She really liked him - thought she may have loved him - but the age gap was too much.

She knew he'd want to settle down soon and she was no where near ready.

She wanted to be single, travel, date - basically be free to grow.

She was upset when they broke up, but she knew it was the right decision.

 

Sometimes it really is about them, not you.

[Be_Strong]

Sometimes it really is about them, not you.

100% of the time it is about the other person. Sure, you could turn everything back around on the woman who is instigating the break up. If the guy has a huge nose, she is breaking up with him not because of his nose, but because of her desire to be with somebody that doesn’t have a big nose. Your friend’s boyfriend wanted to settle down. Is it his wanting to settle down, or your friend’s desire to not settle down that is the cause of the breakup? They’re always just opposite sides of the same coin.

 

If you read these forums, you’ll find tons of women that are so in love with men that it could be compared to drug addiction. Despite a million objective reasons why they should break up with these men, that simply can’t do it. My point is that if a woman is truly head over heels in love with a man, they won’t break up with the guy no matter what.

 

So when a woman (like your friend) decides that the age difference is a problem or doesn’t want to settle down or just wants to be free, it’s because the guy she’s with simply isn’t the man for her.

[Highndry]

There's another guy she's interested in. Always.