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Am i overthinking again?


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Old 17th January 2018, 9:12 PM   #1
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Overthinking or Gut feeling??

Okay, so about 4 months ago this boy messaged me on Facebook. I had seen him around and thought he was super cute but i am a bit insecure about my looks and my weight so i never imagined he’d be interested in me.
After we messaged on Facebook for a few hours, he gave me his number.

I still wasn’t thinking anything about it or that it would go anywhere. I’m not saying i catfish because all of my photos are of me, but c’mon, everyone uses their best angles and cutest filters. So in my head i was thinking “if he ever saw me in person he’d never think i was attractive”

But i still continued to talk to him, and it was very natural. I could talk to him all day about anything and never get bored. He called me every night and we had 4+ hour long conversations. Then he’d call and wake me up every morning.

Never did i expect this but i really started to like him and from what i could tell he was really into me as well. Not too long after he asked me if he could take me out, me being insecure came up with a lame excuse about how i was going to be out of town and i couldn’t this weekend. He ubderstood and we continued talking.

This continued for about 2 months. We talked constantly, he called me every night. But due to my insecurities and also my fear of being hurt due to last relationships, i tried to leave him. I told him i wasn’t ready for a relationship and that i didn’t want to get hurt.

In return he sent me novels about how he would never hurt me and how much he cares about me. Practically begging me to stay with him. One time when i tried to end things he even told me he was in love with me. (We still had not hung out in person)

Every time i would try to leave him (there were about 4x) he’d beg me to stay and even cry and tell me how much he loved and cared about me.

So finally the last time i tried to leave, i could feel he was giving up on trying to constantly win me. So i grew a pair and finally met up with him so we couldn “talk” about us.

So after 2 months of talking on the phone, we finally hung out. He kept going on and on about how nervous he was and how pretty i was. But for some reason every time he complemented me all i could think was “yeah right. He’s just trying to make me feel better”
Even after meeting me, he still liked me and asked me to be his girlfriend.
But i couldn’t make myself believe that he was being sincere.
In the back of my mind i have always wondered if he was disappointed when he met me.

Was i not as hot as he had Invisioned me??
Was he sticking around because he’s nice and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings??

Despite my fears and insecurities, i kept hanging out with him.
We saw eachother a couple times a week.

It was difficult for us to spend a lot of time together because he has a daughter full time and he also lives 30 minutes away.
Which 30minuted doesn’t sound like a lot but it’s hard to fit in your schedule when you work and go to school full time.
But we tried our best.

So to make sure he wasn’t doing charity by still being interested in me, i said no to being his girlfriend and told him i wasn’t ready. He understood and everything was fine.

Weeks passed and i had finally started to feel better about it and trust him. So the second time he asked me to be his girlfriend, i said yes.

He’s never given me a reason not to trust him. I’ve literally held his phone in my hand and played on it and he didn’t mind. I’ve seen his text messages and his Snapchat (not because i made him show me, but because he got on them both in front of me) and there were no other girls on there except a random one on Snapchat. But he explained to me that she snapped him and he didn’t respond. (Again i didn’t ask him about her, he just felt the need to explain why she was on there i guess)

The only thing he’s ever done to make me question his feelings were on New Year’s Eve.
We had plans to hang out at his house.

All day he talked about how excited he was to see me and how he couldn’t wait and all of that.
Well 9 rolls around and he just disappears. Without any trace.
I don’t receive a message until the next day around 1 p.m
His excuse was that he had to ride with his friends to buy them alcohol (because they’re under 21) and after he bought it for them they drove him to a party instead of driving him home.
Then once he got to the party he called and had someone come pick him up so he could come home and hangout with me, but it took the person 2 hours to find the party and by then it was too late and then he left his phone in their vehicle for the rest of the night and didn’t get it back until 1 that day and that’s why he was just letting me know.

Now some points of that story didn’t add up to me but i decided to look past it because he had never given me a reason to believe he would lie. I told him that if anything like that ever happened again i was gone and he said he understood.
So that was that and we moved on. And he is no longer friends with the boys that “drug” him to the party.

Now we’ve been dating for almost a month. He’s introduced me to his mom, his daughter, his brother, and a couple of his friends.
He hasn’t done anything wrong since the New Years incident and things have been going good.

Except for in my head. I can not stop myself from over analyzing his every move.
First, we don’t talk on the phone anymore. Like ever.
We used to have hour long phone calls and fall asleep on the phone together and now we don’t talk on the phone at all. I understand that now that we actually see eachother and spend time together, we don’t have to talk every second of the night. But it has still messed with my head big time.

Second, sometimes i feel like our text messages are lessening as well. I know we’ve pretty much gotten to know eachother now so there is less to talk ahout. He still sends me long Goodmorning messages telling me he hopes i have a good day and that he loves me and other sweet things, but this is something that has also messed with my head.
Am i getting boring??
Is he losing interest??

Third, I’ve seen him like pictures of other girls on Facebook. Now i understand that this is childish to be upset over but on top of my already low self esteem and insecurities, this one hurt big time. I spoke with him and told him that it bothereded me and since i have not seen him like another girls photo up until the other day. It was a picture of her standing in front of a huge truck. (Which he’s country so I’m sure it had more to do with the oversized truck than the girl)

But all of these things have caused me to freak out. I have been cheated on several times in the past and now i have this super attractive boyfriend and i can’t help but feel like somethings going to go wrong.

I don’t want to constantly nag him about if he truly likes me or if he’s being faithful but it’s miserable constantly worrying about what he’s doing.

I know people say “well if you can’t trust them that much, then maybe you shouldn’t be with them” and i agree. But i don’t know if me not trusting him is my gut telling me he’s not good for me, or if it’s my past relationships, trust issues, and overthinking causing me to just be expecting him to screw me over.

Opinions?? Help?? 😩
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Old 17th January 2018, 9:47 PM   #2
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You're very insecure, and if you don't stop acting like it, you will create what you fear most. He was/is attracted to you. If at some point, it fizzles, it doesn't mean he wasn't attracted to you, only that it didn't work out. Stop acting desperate and wanting constant validation from him. You texted too much. What was left to say when you're together? Look, you're legit dating him , but nothing lasts forever, but you should relax and enjoy it, which will give it the best chance of lasting. If you become clingy and desperate, that is VERY unattractive in anyone, so control yourself!
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Old 17th January 2018, 10:10 PM   #3
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besides the new years thing he seems legit....he even stopped hanging with the guys from that night.....i think its your insecurity nagging you ....accept that it is your insecurity and when you hear that nagging.....find something else to do because ti becomes a case of obsessive negative thoughts...put a thick rubber band around your wrist and snap it when you feel those thoughts invading your trust in him....deb..... .....
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Old 18th January 2018, 9:54 AM   #4
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Man, you're going to push this guy away with the way you're acting. Stop, stop listening to those voices in your head, they are feeding you lies.

Stop trying to control what he does. Don't tell him whose picture to like or whose picture not to like, like seriously. Stop that. It wreaks of fear and deep insecurity. Even if he likes the pictures of other girls, who cares? People lust after other people all the time. HE LOVES YOU.

Don't ruin this. if you're feeling crappy/bad, try writing things down. It'll help you let out your feelings a little. Relax and enjoy what you have. A lot of ppl pray for this. Don't throw it away.
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Old 18th January 2018, 1:18 PM   #5
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Hi rebeccamuller,

I am so sorry to hear about your low self-esteem. It can be very debilitating and cause you to lose out on many good men and/or relationships.

You're focused on him and how he acts instead of focusing on yourself and how to improve your low self-esteem.

When we love ourselves, imperfections and all, we can love another person WITHOUT all the anxiety over getting hurt.

Sure, even if we love ourselves losing a person we care about hurts, but...

When you truly love yourself, you realize YOU are enough. You begin to look at another person as someone who can enhance your life.

Without self love, we look to other people to fill our needs (the void in our hearts). Unfortunately no one, can fill the void left by not loving yourself.

Work on YOU. Read some personal development books, Tony Robbins, Michael A. Singer, Dr. Wayne Dyer, to name a few.

As you grow stronger and love yourself more, it opens up space for someone to love you as much as you do.

If you do not love yourself (you are hyper critical of yourself as per your post) it makes it very hard for someone else to love you the way you want, need and deserve.

Sending you much love and light
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Old 18th January 2018, 1:28 PM   #6
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Not dealing with your insecurities is going to cause you to deal with a lot of unfulfilling relationships because you are seeking validation for your own worth through external sources and that all needs to come from within.

Guys who are emotionally healthy may go along for a short amount of time, but no one who, as I said, is emotionally healthy is going to stick it out with someone who doesn't do anything concrete to address and resolve her insecurity problems. Certainly, not when you pretty much esteem him as a contemptible liar who just tells lies to you to mess with your head--and if he's like that, then why are you with him?

You can't waste your time worrying about what a grown man is or isn't doing. If he feels its in his best interests to cheat on you, then he's going to do that and no amount of you worrying will stop it. If you feel that nothing he says is the truth and he's just itching for a reason to screw around on you, then just leave him and quit torturing yourself needlessly. Be by yourself and you don't have to worry about anyone cheating on you. Problem solved.

Get a grip on that and quick. Not doing so is you being your own worst enemy.
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Last edited by kendahke; 18th January 2018 at 1:32 PM..
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Old 18th January 2018, 4:32 PM   #7
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So here's the thing.
You have self-esteem issues and anxiety.

But you might be dating someone who is making it worse.
The NYE thing seems weird.
I wouldn't be cool with a guy ditching me without a word all night.
That soon into a relationship, I'd be done.
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Old 18th January 2018, 5:05 PM   #8
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You clearly need to deal with your anxiety and insecurity. You don't trust your own judgment. And, you are at risk of sabotaging this relationship, which makes you most definitely, your own worst enemy.

I say trust your gut. You know this guy, we don't.

It does sound like it has been a rather strange and slow evolution for this relationship. If you feel good about him, keep seeing him. If you don't, pull the plug.

When it's right, you just know it. Perhaps, not right away... But, within a few months you should feel like you know this guy and you trust him. Not, with your bank card or your house key... But, enough to spend time with him and be affectionate.

The fact that he has hung in for this long without sex makes me think that he does like you... But, you can't expect him to hang in forever. Eventually, the communication will decline and the interest will wane... As it naturally does, when the "honeymoon period" ends for all relationships.

Best wishes.
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Last edited by BaileyB; 18th January 2018 at 6:00 PM..
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Old 18th January 2018, 6:43 PM   #9
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It's all about perspective. Does it really look that bad? no not really, he seems pretty reliable and consistent otherwise.

When I first started dating my husband, he invited me over to his friends party, but I worked at a club and wouldn't be off til 2am. He phoned me throughout my shift to make sure I was coming and how excited he was, etc. When I got there he was passed out drunk as a skunk. He was so out of it, his friends were putting twinkies up his nose and video taped it lol. I was really disappointed but whatever, it is what it is. His friends played a huge part in encouraging the binge drinking shotgunning beers all night. I suspect this is the kind of thing that had happened to your BF that night...
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Old 18th January 2018, 10:03 PM   #10
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I think you need some counseling, work through these anxieties and insecurities. It sounds he has given you very little reason not to trust him, yet you don't trust him. If I was him I would find it not only exhausting but also insulting to date someone who has gotten to know me and still doesn't trust me at all.

If you carry on like this how can you even enjoy the relationship? All the good stuff? Do you get to truly enjoy that? Do yourself a favour, read some books recommended above and book an appointment to see a counselor. Tell your boyfriend you realise your insecurities are disproportionate and you are working on it so you can have a happy and healthy relationship. If I was him this may keep me there for a while longer as you are trying to address the issue. But regardless of this relationship you need to sort this out of it will cause you similar issues in all future relationships too.
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Old 22nd January 2018, 9:21 PM   #11
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Paranoid

I’ve been cheated on in basically every relationship I’ve been in (3)

I currently have a new boyfriend of 4 months and he’s never given me a reason to believe he’d do something like that to me.
When we’re together he doesn’t try to hide his phone from me, he checks text messages/snapchats in front of me. Nothing sketchy.

But when we’re not together, i can’t help but wonder what hes doing/ who he’s talking to/ etc.

Tips? Opinions? Help?
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Old 22nd January 2018, 9:27 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rebeccamuller View Post
I’ve been cheated on in basically every relationship I’ve been in (3)

I currently have a new boyfriend of 4 months and he’s never given me a reason to believe he’d do something like that to me.
When we’re together he doesn’t try to hide his phone from me, he checks text messages/snapchats in front of me. Nothing sketchy.

But when we’re not together, i can’t help but wonder what hes doing/ who he’s talking to/ etc.

Tips? Opinions? Help?
Give him benefit of the doubt. I understand how hard it is to trust as quite a few guys broke my trust. Do not become the psycho controlling person because you will drive him away.
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Old 22nd January 2018, 9:29 PM   #13
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Don't let the guys who cheated on you win by keeping you from fully enjoying a new relationship. I did that in the early years of my marriage and it is a huge regret.
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Old 22nd January 2018, 10:30 PM   #14
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dont ever let a bad relationship spoil your chances of happiness in a good relationship...your bf is not your exes...... he has given you no reason to doubt him so dont doubt him...trust him ...and i know you will feel vulnerable ......but in vulnerability comes strength and that is what will happen to the bond you both share with trust.....strength together.....


when you feel doubt creep up on you destroy it with thoughts of how open he is with you .....how he doesnt hide things and let him know how you feel ...often.....dont try and hide your insecurities ....tell him you want to be open with him as well...you know what its like to be with a deceitful man...list the differences in your mind on how your bf is so open and not deceitful....

let your bf know how much you appreciate those open qualities in him........good luck...deb
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Old 22nd January 2018, 10:33 PM   #15
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Hope I've not got you mixed up with some other poster, but aren't you the one who is saving your virginity? I mean, kind of hard to be cheated on when you really aren't "all in" as it were. I mean, yes, most guys, unless we're talking high school age here, are going to get sex somewhere.
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