Me being insecure or major red flag?

[Lobouspo]

Ok so I have prior posts here about trust issues I have with my girlfriend, and I get mixed feedback. Some saying there's red flags, others saying I need to get over my insecurity.

So couple of weeks ago I'm at the library with her helping her out with a paper she has to write for school. So about 30 minutes in she says she has to step out to work on my "birthday surprise". She's gone for about 20 or 25 minutes. Ok cool, no big deal.About 5 or 10 minutes later I excuse myself to use the bathroom. As I'm walking in the library, I see a guy who I am 95 percent positive is her ex walking out. I mean I'm looking at this guy and I'm almost 100 percent certain it's him. I go back and mention I see her ex. She gets up and says where did you see him? And gets up and looks around. Now I don't accuse her of anything. By my body language though I look upset. Anyway she's upset at me for awhile for "digging stuff up on her because I don't trust her". I know what her ex looks like because she still had pics on Facebook. Anyway we talk it out, and things are going good. Fast forward this morning, we are in bed and she's on Facebook, and I notice the ex's profile is there on either a search or contact. I couldn't tell. So I get a little upset and ask her if she still loves her ex. I don't assume or accuse her of anything. Of course she gets super upset, accuses me of low self esteem and being insecure and tells me to leave her house.

Looking for advice here. Am I being insecure or is this a major red flag?

[smackie9]

You remind me of my abusive ex BF. Please stop. If she looks shady to you just dump her, and stop punishing her because she has an ex bf.

[Cookiesandough]

I think there are ton of red flags on both sides

[Lorenza]

Yes you are insecure and yes you assume things. This will get old very fast if you don't stop.

[ChatroomHero]

I usually go with my gut. I find excuses like working on a surprise are red flags when people are not being honest. It is an easy way to completely shut down any follow up questions. Frankly, if she really was working on a birthday surprise that's probably the last reason she would give you because she doesn't want to spoil the surprise.

 

 

I lived with an addict and became an expert at spotting lies and deception. They set up lies sometimes weeks in advance and their best defense is a pre-emptive strike that stops any questions before they are asked because if you ask about it, you it look like you are being a jerk.

 

 

What you find is you look weeks later and realize things like:

1. Your birthday passes and there is no surprise, she gets you a card and a sweater. (If you ask about it she will say she cancelled whatever surprise because you questioned her at the library, so it's your fault). Or when you just get a game you wanted for the PS4 that can be found anywhere from her, if you ask what took 1/2 hour at the library you'll get a shady excuse how she didn't know where to buy it or her friend was going to get her a discount and could only do it at that time.

2. You think back and realize things like she was adamant about going to the library to study. She could have done it at your place or her place because nobody else was there, but she was insistent you go to the library for loose reasoning like she can't study anywhere but there.

3. When you catch phone calls or what looks like FB contact etc. with her ex, the excuses will be detailed. Like she was typing her friend Amy's name and Andy came up and she hit it by mistake. Or he called her by accident or he called and she told him off but he "still keeps calling and she can't make him stop" but doesn't want you to tell him off and she seems to answer every time instead of ignoring or blocking his number.

 

 

Those are just examples, but for things like the library, look back at the whole picture and the likeliest reason is the likeliest to be true. If she goes to the library specifically to study with you, what are the chances that she had to do something for a birthday surprise for you at that exact moment that couldn't wait? What "surprise" would require that?

 

 

The whole, "where was he?" and looking out the windows was probably her "proof" that she didn't see him...because remember how she looked out the window? Why would anyone look out the window and act surprised if they just saw someone? lol

 

 

Only you can determine what's going on but based on what you said sounds pretty fishy to me. If she booked a trip for your birthday, it might add up. If she gives you a normal gift, she was lying. When they are not being caught in a lie they will be reassuring, when they are they will be angry and defensive.

[Cookiesandough]

When you first met there were a ton of glaring red flags, but you kept pushing for commitment (which you should never really have to do, imo ) She finally stopped resisting and now you are still insecure about things. Not very surprising.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

When's your birthday?

[BaileyB]

Absolutely. There are certainly red flags, not the least of which being that you don't trust your girlfriend and create problems in the relationships by making assumptions...

[Lobouspo]

Well for the record I never accused or assumed anything. I did ask about what feelings she had for her ex. Is that inappropriate?

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't assume or accuse her of anything.

Yes, you most certainly do.

 

She isn't stupid, OP. She knows why you're asking her these questions. You are making all kinds of assumptions. I don't know if they're entirely baseless because I don't know the backstory, but at least be honest with yourself that you are assuming plenty.

 

But I don't get it - why can't her ex be in the same library? So what if he was there?

[d0nnivain]

Do all go to school together? If so there are many reasons her EX could have been in the library. It's also possible that he was there to see her. Without more, I'd say keep your eyes & ears open. It sounds suspicious. Why did she have to work on your birthday surprise right then?

[kendahke]

Of course she gets super upset, accuses me of low self esteem and being insecure and tells me to leave her house.

 

That is someone who is done with you.

 

Looking for advice here. Am I being insecure or is this a major red flag?

 

It's a red flag on your part because you stay with someone who's not invested in you. Why is that? You are trying to turn her into someone she's not, hasn't shown any interest in being and isn't going to be: someone who is going to shoulder your heavy lift and do it for you because you've got insecurity issues.

 

What if she is still in love with her ex? What are you prepared to do about it? The only thing you can do is leave the relationship if it bothers you that much.

 

She doesn't sound invested in you. She's along for the ride and using you to mark time til her ex comes back around. Now, you can keep on fighting, whining, arguing, etc., about it or you can gather your dignity and stop allowing it to ooze down the drain just to have someone who's not all that into you, save the distraction til the ex opens that can of 'act right'.

[kendahke]

we are in bed and she's on Facebook, and I notice the ex's profile is there on either a search or contact. I couldn't tell. So I get a little upset and ask her if she still loves her ex. I don't assume or accuse her of anything.

 

No, you insinuated by your statement that she was, which is pretty much the same as assuming and accusing---because instead of phrasing the question: "Oh, is that your ex? What's he up to?", you ask her if she still loves him, which is accusatory, so please, let's be truthful with ourselves about what we're doing.

 

And so what if he was in her search? So what if he was coming out of the library? He can't use the library while she's there? What does that have to do with anything? What if she is talking to him? If she wants to talk to him, she's going to do it if that's what she wants to do and there's really little you can do about it. You can't make her stop. You can end this and find someone willing to invest--but first, you'd be well served getting a number of things straightened out with a therapist first so you're not dragging this baggage into your next relationship expecting her to unpack it for you---because she will take the same path this one did.

[gbe2015]

Well for the record I never accused or assumed anything. I did ask about what feelings she had for her ex. Is that inappropriate?

 

Yes, she's there with you, that's all that matters. Don't interrogate her, just trust her. And if you find it impossible to trust her, move on. Women have an amazing ability to sense insecurity in a man, and if she's senses that in you, it's already over.

Edited February 3, 2018 by gbe2015

[Maggie4]

I go back and mention I see her ex. She gets up and says where did you see him? And gets up and looks around.

 

Do you not find this strange? Is she trying to talk to him or just to see him? It's not a celebrity sighting. And if she had spotted him, what was she going to do?

 

Everything seems normal or understandable to me except for this, and the bit about throwing you out the house.

[act00]

If you can't trust her and she's behaving in a questionable manner, you need to move on. You won't be able to change her feelings. You are a ball of red flags with your accusations and suspicions. Always having to convince your SO that you are not up to no good and having to defend yourself is exhausting. She'll give up on you. She kicked you out.

 

Her behavior at the library is a little questionable. Part of me wonders if she wanted to meet someone at the library but she ended up having to drag you along with your insistence, so she came up with an excuse to exit for 30 minutes. Who knows what she was up to, but bringing up your birthday surprised stopped any further questioning. Unless she had to meet someone at a certain time to purchase something from that person, she might have been meeting another guy of interest. Her jumping up to spot her ex is another issue that makes me wonder. I can see why you have this insecurity about her ex, but she states it's over and she is exclusive with you, so it's time for you to quit being so insecure. If you can't trust her, you need to let her go.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Ok so I have prior posts here about trust issues I have with my girlfriend, and I get mixed feedback. Some saying there's red flags, others saying I need to get over my insecurity.

So couple of weeks ago I'm at the library with her helping her out with a paper she has to write for school. So about 30 minutes in she says she has to step out to work on my "birthday surprise". She's gone for about 20 or 25 minutes. Ok cool, no big deal.About 5 or 10 minutes later I excuse myself to use the bathroom. As I'm walking in the library, I see a guy who I am 95 percent positive is her ex walking out. I mean I'm looking at this guy and I'm almost 100 percent certain it's him. I go back and mention I see her ex. She gets up and says where did you see him? And gets up and looks around. Now I don't accuse her of anything. By my body language though I look upset. Anyway she's upset at me for awhile for "digging stuff up on her because I don't trust her". I know what her ex looks like because she still had pics on Facebook. Anyway we talk it out, and things are going good. Fast forward this morning, we are in bed and she's on Facebook, and I notice the ex's profile is there on either a search or contact. I couldn't tell. So I get a little upset and ask her if she still loves her ex. I don't assume or accuse her of anything. Of course she gets super upset, accuses me of low self esteem and being insecure and tells me to leave her house.

Looking for advice here. Am I being insecure or is this a major red flag?

 

Insecure and red flags!

 

Nothing wrong with a 'healthy' dose of insecurity. Some people would call it gut feeling or something like that. If what you say is true, then, yes, red flags my friend. Too many coincidences, facts and when there are so many, they begin to add up. She still has feelings for her ex? Yup, likely, but for now, she is with you. You need to decide whether you are going to put in the effort to show her that she is with the right guy (you) or under-achieve and look weak which will eventually drive her away. Or just let her loose b/c you can't take it anymore.

[Lobouspo]

Thanks, I genuinely appreciate all the feedback from you guys even if some of it is tough and unpleasant. I definitely have some insecurity issues that I am in therapy for. My therapist actually told me some of my concerns in this situation are understandable and legit.

One thing I wanted to add, she also brings him up often in conversations, and still has pics of him on Facebook. She still has their wedding pics. One thing I thought was weird, for someone so attuned to Facebook and constantly updating it. She had gotten divorced in early 2016 but always kept her relationship status it at "engaged in married" . I never even mentioned that to her. It wasn't until last October (2017) after we had been dating a few months that she updated her relationship status. So what do you guys think?

[Flame Aura]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=31378788

 

Wow. Just wow. So many issues in your relationship. Can't be fun.

[kendahke]

It wasn't until last October (2017) after we had been dating a few months that she updated her relationship status. So what do you guys think?

 

She keeps people on a "need to know" basis on FB. They don't need to know about her relationship status until she feels they need to know. Can't blame her.

 

It really doesn't matter what FB says---how is she acting? What is she doing? That's what you keep your eye on, not what she's saying to you.

[olivetree]

You say in another thread that you have an anxious/insecure attachment style.

 

You're probably super attracted to women with an avoidant style, which will only trigger you / exacerbate your anxiety.

I'm guessing your gf is avoidant.

 

You should date someone with a secure attachment style.

Life would be a lot easier.

[justwhoiam]

She's gone for about 20 or 25 minutes. [...]About 5 or 10 minutes later I excuse myself to use the bathroom.

I don't get this part. So she got back after leaving for 25 minutes and like 5 minutes after she was back you decided to go to the bathroom?

 

she's upset at me for awhile for "digging stuff up on her because I don't trust her"

Her pictures with him are online because she posted it to social media. She wants people to see them. So why being bothered? This is stupid.

 

I get a little upset and ask her if she still loves her ex. [...] she gets super upset, accuses me of low self esteem and being insecure and tells me to leave her house.

It looks like her reaction was stemming from the fact that you were upset, rather than from what you said. What you said was just a question, no need to overreact.

Also, there's a chance she got fed up after a sum of

 

Am I being insecure or is this a major red flag?

Maybe there was a long line of such questions and you being constantly suspicious which caused her reaction.

 

You need to relax a bit, instead of thinking about hiring a private detective. Accept the fact that there are things you don't know. And it isn't such a bad thing. You don't need to know everything.

[carhill]

OP, try a method we used in MC called flipping the script. Simply change places with her. Work the issue from that perspective.

 

More generally, people, at least those past the early stages of dating when young, have ex'es. Ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, ex-lovers, ex-husbands/wives. For some, there's a universe of ex'es. It's how they prosecute their relationships that respects that universe and also the feelings and sensibilities of their partners.

 

Since you recognized this guy as '95 percent sure is her ex', you've met him, right? Seen a picture of him? Your GF has been transparent about who her ex'es are, right? Is he her latest ex? Has she been married?

 

Now, remember, flip that script. Have you been transparent about your ex'es and showed respect for your relationship with your current girlfriend?

 

You and she will run into ex'es in life. It happens. It's shouldn't even be a blip on your radar. Heck I've been to some weddings of friend's children where the 'ex'es' even dance together having been both remarried to others. It's called being human and social and understanding boundaries.

 

Anyway, some stuff to think about. All relationships are voluntary. If she ran you out of the house, cool, that's a choice. Go with it.

 

Last tidbit, one I won't take credit for since it came from our MC. If a behavior or behaviors inhibits the healthy formation and maintenance of interpersonal relationships it bears scrutiny. Apply that as you deem appropriate. Good luck!

[darkmoon]

telling you to leave the house? I'd stay left, bye felicia and all that

Edited February 7, 2018 by darkmoon