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When you are dating someone exclusively...


Eternal Sunshine

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Eternal Sunshine

And you are arranging what day to see each other.

 

You for example suggest Saturday and the other person says something really vague like "I will be busy all day on Saturday" or "I will be out and about all day" without elaborating in any way what they are doing or with whom...would you find that weird? Let's say they do suggest another day to see you.

 

This puts me immediately on guard. I naturally say what I am doing if I can't make the date on the day they suggest.

 

Obviously, if you are non-exclusive they can still date others and being vague is fine.

 

Just curious of the general conses because I know that I have trust issues.

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Not everybody shares all details. In the very beginning of the exclusivity, it may be part of the transition to more transparency. If it's always evasive that could be a problem.

 

Try to get more info. When they say "I'll be out & about all day" respond -- "Hey I have a lot of errands to do too. Maybe we can do them together. or we could meet for a late lunch." You want to say something that invites the other person to share more details without being confrontational about it.

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When they do that why don't you just ask what they are doing? In a friendly upbeat way in that you are interested about their life not fishing because you don't trust them.

 

Some people don't want to bore you with details of doing laundry and taking the dog to the groomer then lunch with friends and helping mum with her new phone in the afternoon in a new relationship and will just say I'm busy. Don't jump to assumptions with no basis.

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Never really been in this dating thing. sounds ridiculously formal don't really get it tbh.

For me it's been either ex w or gf's sitches.

Well gf's your usually spending most your time together anyway so you both just hear about anything going on just naturally.

Or one of you comes home oh btw l gotta do this or that sat or whenever.

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Eternal Sunshine

This is a former guy I dated. When I asked him to elaborate it ended up that he is spending whole day alone with a female friend that just became single. I found that odd but he thought I was insecure and clingy.

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I'd probably say "oh yeah, whatcha doing?" as part of the conversation. Not because I'm checking up, but because I'm interested.

 

However, if they are vague during normal conversation, I'd be dubious about them.

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This is a former guy I dated. When I asked him to elaborate it ended up that he is spending whole day alone with a female friend that just became single. I found that odd but he thought I was insecure and clingy.

 

No you're right. And what you wrote in your in your first post is correct.

 

When we a making plans, I give her the broad strokes about what I have to do. I usually invite her, but let her know she does not have to come if she is not up for it.

 

Like, I am painting my bathroom or have to babysit my grandson, and you're welcome to come unless you are busy or tired.

 

Seems like the thing to do for me.

 

And the guy, above, was being sketchy if he was hanging out with a single woman all day. My GF would not take kindly to that in any way.

 

If I was going to hang out with a chick, it would be my GF...

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You for example suggest Saturday and the other person says something really vague like "I will be busy all day on Saturday" or "I will be out and about all day" without elaborating in any way what they are doing or with whom...would you find that weird? Let's say they do suggest another day to see you.

 

No I would not find it weird.

 

Our routine was on Monday during a conversation he'd let me know when he was free like he'd say Tuesday he was busy but Wednesday he was free to do something. I did not jump on him to know why he was busy on Tuesday. He's a grown man, he's allowed to his 'private garden'.

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Eternal Sunshine

It's always been really hard for me to know when I have trust issues and when the guy is genuinely being shady.

 

When this guy was being vague about that day, I had immediate gut feeling that something is not right. His explanation when I pressed made me feel much worse. Yet I convinced myself that I probably have issues. This was also not the first time he was being vague like that, I just didn't push it before.

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Eternal Sunshine
Yeah sounds odd. did they end up on together ?

 

I have no idea. He has always been very secretive. Wouldn't surprise me.

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Happy Lemming

Here is my opinion...

 

If you are dating someone exclusively, then I think its a given that there is a "standing" date for the weekend. Meaning you are already expected to be together and just want to finalize plans.

 

I remember one person I was dating exclusively. I was planning on seeing her Saturday night, but she asked what I was doing during the day. I said working on this house I was planning on flipping. I don't think she believed me, so she asked if she could come over and help. I said "Sure" When she got to my place I handed her a dusk mask and a pole sander and put her to work sanding drywall (seams). Ceiling & walls!! I went and worked in another part of the house. After a couple of hours, she got tired and went home (covered in drywalll dust). She never asked to help again.

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If my gf was trustworthy in general then it wouldn’t bother me. But if you want more information you can just go ahead and ask. Just ask in an ‘I’m interested in your life’ kinda way and not like a distrusting gf.

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I don't know why you even keep seeing this guy. if it doesn't feel right, that's because it's not.

 

Yeah, most likely true. I mean, I'd probably just go ahead and ask but prepare for more vagueness. In relationships, I trust until I don't. If I don't, it's time to end the relationship. Once, that lack of trust ended up being about nothing but I couldn't be a good partner if I was that insecure.

 

Thankfully, that doesn't happen often but when it does, figure it out quickly or move on!

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Cookiesandough

It’s definitely odd. Even dudes I haven’t met yet off tinder give a brief excuse of what they’ll be doing

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I have no idea. He has always been very secretive. Wouldn't surprise me.

 

This is always a red flag, man or woman. Go with your gut.

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Before we moved in together and were dating, BF would always let me know what he was up to on the days we didn't spend together. For example, the weekends he had his son he would say, I have son this weekend, but his mom picks him up at 6 on Sunday so I'm free after that. Or, I'm going to go play tennis with Joe on Saturday afternoon so maybe we can hang out later. I don't care for the vague "I'm busy" answer at all. Not so much because I don't trust someone, but because if we're a couple, we share our plans together.

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There are people who are consistently vague. Those people are not for you. It's a compatibility issue. More to do with communication style than your trust issues. Maybe it takes a while for this guy to share his life with you.

People who usually share details, when they want to cheat they may lie and make up a detailed story. So that doesn't help you.

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Hi Eternal_Sunshine,

 

Dating, like any relationship is about communication.

 

So many of us don't ask questions because we are afraid of the answers (direct or indirect).

 

If you have trust issues, then you need to work on that. Most people have trust issues with others because they do NOT trust themselves.

 

You need to learn to trust your inner senses and when alarm bells go off, listen to and heed their warning.

 

Unfortunately, when we do not trust ourselves, we attract untrustworthy people in our lives.

 

Do some personal development and spiritual work. Learn to trust yourself and your inner senses.

 

Sending you much love and light

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Ruby Slippers
This is a former guy I dated. When I asked him to elaborate it ended up that he is spending whole day alone with a female friend that just became single. I found that odd but he thought I was insecure and clingy.

No guy that is serious about having a real relationship with you is gonna hang out with his recently single female "friend" all day. No wonder he had to be pressed to tell you what he was doing. A guy who cares at all about winning you over will be transparent - and WON'T be hanging out alone all day with other single chicks :rolleyes:

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I have found that if people don’t volunteer information about themselves, it can be a strategy to keep you in arm’s length.

It is not about controlling but it’s natural to mention your plans in conversation. Of course nobody needs to share their day minute by minute but I’ve noticed that it’s a red flag if you don’t have any idea what the guy you’re dating is doing when you not together.

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You have to watch out for the ones that give you way too much detail too....those people are usually liars. They give you so much detail as to make their lie convincing/believable.

 

Secretive means they are doing something they shouldn't be doing.....

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Eternal Sunshine
No guy that is serious about having a real relationship with you is gonna hang out with his recently single female "friend" all day. No wonder he had to be pressed to tell you what he was doing. A guy who cares at all about winning you over will be transparent - and WON'T be hanging out alone all day with other single chicks :rolleyes:

 

I totally agree. I have a lot of male friends and wouldn't even think of spending a whole day alone with any of them at the start of a promising relationship.

 

The worst part is that this guy when I pushed him to elaborate told me about the female friend and I responded that it makes me feel uneasy. He told me that he "can't win". I am not happy when he doesn't tell me what he is doing, I am not happy when he tells the truth. He made it out to be my problem, was pissed off, I apologized and he still spent the entire day with the female friend like planned. :sick:

 

Guys never treated me like this when I was younger.

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I totally agree. I have a lot of male friends and wouldn't even think of spending a whole day alone with any of them at the start of a promising relationship.

 

I have always made sure that I don't neglect my friends, even at the beginning of a relationship. But then again, I was always very upfront about it. (Don't bother to bug me on Mondays, I'm working out with friends.)

 

And while I have female friends, this does indeed sound different.

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