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Dealing with attachment and dating someone that is insecure


kevinjinha

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I was posting actively on here about a year ago when my ex-girlfriend and I broke up. I was in immense pain but as soon as I got over her I decided to try dating again. However, the problem I have is that when I date someone, regardless of how bad they can be in the very beginning I still hold attachment to them. I get more attached every day.

 

I started seeing this girl about two months ago, things clicked very well. But, as soon as we started dating problems started to arise that I hadn't realized before. She is very insecure, and always says statements like I am "too good-looking for her" and sometimes when she isn't wearing make up and we're in public she doesn't want to be seen with me or is afraid to look at me. I understand that these are her problems but I believe that it's my job as her significant other to reassure her that I think she's beautiful. It doesn't work. I don't want to sound arrogant and I don't know how I do it but a lot of girls like me (for some reason idk why). The girl I'm with sees that, and she gets extremely defensive and jealous over everything I do. It's gotten to the point to where even if I interact with any girl she automatically assumes that that girl is into me. I'm 24 years old, I feel like these problems are so trivial but it's wrong for me to belittle her problems.

 

But this leads on to old me a year ago telling myself that I wouldn't ever date a girl with a red flag again, but yet here I am a year later making that possible same mistake. She cares for me and my ex girlfriend didn't, she just has extreme insecurity problems and I feel like it's a little too much for me. I really care about her and I enjoy her company, and it would sadden me deeply for me to leave. I don't know what to do at this point, because most people would tell me to simply "leave" but it's more complicated than that. I am attached to my friends and significant others, no matter how much they hurt me I always find the goodness in them and stay. I know that it's a bad trait.. but I need help trying to be strong and respecting and loving myself. But it's hard. I love everyone.

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As you already know, you cannot fix her problems for her. Reassuring her is nice and all, but nowhere near sufficient to actually resolve any of this.

 

Does she know you're finding this difficult? I would have one talk with her, raising your concerns and letting her know you're struggling with your feelings on this and that it's affecting your ability to see a future together. If you haven't already discussed this, I would give her an opportunity to make some changes. That does not mean she should just keep her lips zipped any time she feels insecure; she would need to be doing some heavier lifting to get at the source of those feelings of inferiority.

 

If you have already spoken to her about this, or if you don't see any improvement after a conversation, then I would end it. These things don't usually get better but worse as the relationship progresses.

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I'm not going to tell you to leave, but I would strongly advise you to draw up some boundaries. Thing is, all this stuff she's doing is attention seeking. And each time you reassure her, you are rewarding that attention seeking behaviour.

 

Tell her first how much you care about her and that you think she's beautiful. But then tell her that her some of her behaviours are not acceptable and you won't be able to deal with them long term if she doesn't get herself sorted out.

 

You need to tell her that it's not acceptable for her to disrespect you with her jealousy and defensiveness when you have not been out cheating or flirting. And be very clear about the fact that her behaviour IS disrespectful to you.

 

If she tells you that you are "too good looking for her", don't reassure her. Instead, tell her that you're not having this discussion again. Thing is, each time she does this and you reassure her, you're rewarding her behaviour. So she will keep doing it.

 

If she won't let you look at her without makeup, again, tell her that you're not OK with being treated like this.

 

And lastly, no matter how much you reassure her, it won't change her view of herself. Self esteem is something only we can give ourselves. She has to do this on her own or with a therapist. Perhaps make undertaking therapy an expectation if you are to stay with her.

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It's not really a matter of how insecure she feels, but how much bad behavior she can get away with. Some insecure people are simply not nice people. I'm not talking about the sweet people with private self doubts. I'm talking about people that are determined to make your life miserable. They are very vocal and controlling. If they're not happy, they lash out, using insecurity as an excuse.

The only way you might be able to keep this relationship is if you set clear boundaries. She need not be happy all the time, but she is not allowed to act out. An accusation is a form of control and leverage. Let her know you will not tolerate it. It's very hard to do because as soon as you relax, she's back at it.

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I don’t have a lot of advice, but just wanted to comment on the other poster’s responses.

 

I’ve never looked at insecurity in that way - it’s given me something new to think about.

 

I dated an insecure woman and it was probably the biggest factor in her leaving.

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basil67 offers some excellent advice.

 

I'd take it a step further initially. The next time she says something like that call her out on it.

 

Her: You're so good looking, too good looking for me.

 

You: Why do you say garbage like that? Do you honestly think I'd be with you if you needed a bag over your head? Every time you put yourself down you are actually saying that I have bad taste in women. If you can't like yourself can you at least realize that I think you are pretty & that's part of why I'm dating you? When you continue to put yourself down, those insecurities, not how you look, make you unattractive. Now cut it out because we're not having this conversation again.

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I suspect your gf has a deep fear of abandonment.

Try to talk to her about the softer feelings she has underneath her jealousy.

You can reassure her that you don't plan on leaving her, love her, etc, but the way she acts on her insecurities, not necessarily the insecurity itself, is pushing you away - and you need to tell her that.

While you can give her reassurance, it's also up to her to soothe herself.

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Wow I just came on here to say that you are the male version of me, that is literally my biggest flaw. I find the good in every single person, the most vile person I would say has something good in them. I would not even call it a flaw it is a good quality but I need some advice on this stuff too because people like us tend to get hurt easier.

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I suspect your gf has a deep fear of abandonment.

Try to talk to her about the softer feelings she has underneath her jealousy.

You can reassure her that you don't plan on leaving her, love her, etc, but the way she acts on her insecurities, not necessarily the insecurity itself, is pushing you away - and you need to tell her that.

While you can give her reassurance, it's also up to her to soothe herself.

 

I think Olive has good points about fear of abandonment. (Sadly, her behaviour will make it a self fulfilling prophecy)

 

Getting to the root of the causes is an excellent idea, but I would caution you against trying to do this yourself. This is a job for a professional therapist or psychologist. They will also give her those much needed self soothing tools.

 

Also, be really careful if you say you don't plan on leaving her. Be prepared that she might hold you to it even if the relationship becomes seriously untenable for you.

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I don’t have a lot of advice, but just wanted to comment on the other poster’s responses.

 

I’ve never looked at insecurity in that way - it’s given me something new to think about.

 

I dated an insecure woman and it was probably the biggest factor in her leaving.

 

Oh yeah. Insecurities like the OP describes are very much a case for a bit of Tough Love. Not to mention personal boundaries around what parts of their behaviour we will accept.

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Loving yourself is good, as long as you'e not prideful and you seem like you freely give that love to others. Maybe your GF is immature thus insecure. You need to honor and respect her and if her issues cannot be dealt with in your heart and mind, examine what's important in a relationship. See if there any red flags within you that need to change.

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