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Authenticity on first dates


Cookiesandough

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Cookiesandough

I have a date tonight. I'm picking out what I'm going to wear. I noticed that I'm sort of calibrating my style to fit the image of the guy in my head (based off his Tinder pics). He's seems a bare bones adventurer sort, so I'm dressing in lighter colors than if I were going out with a black leather wearing post punk fan. Do most people do this?

 

I alter my personality for these dates too. Is this normal? I think it is, to a greater or lesser extent. When you want to impress someone, you try to be more like them. This isn't just on dates. Based on what they talk about, how they look, and any other empirical evidence I can find, I will bring up specific topics that I think might be of interst. For example, if he's wearing a J crew button down and drinking a latte I won't mention how I'm a gaming fiend like I would if I were with a guy drinking craft beer and wearing plaid, even if he says he likes video games.

 

Also, on dates you have to adjust yourself to their 'energy'. If the person is more chatty, I will sit back and let them take the wheel. If they are more in their shell I will try to do the talking. You key in on their facial expressions and see what they're liking and not liking. eg. When they're bored or anxious with a story or topic, even one they're telling, they start getting a little antsy and it's time for subject change. Or when the person starts to smile or laugh after saying something, they are trying to be funny. Even if you don't see the humor in it, you're sure to not miss your cue to laugh or smile along.

 

It's just human interaction 101, but it's especially important on a first date like a job interview and you're usually trying to get a second. It's nothing uncomfortable, but it does take a lot of energy. But we all try to bring our best self to a date. How do you know when you're being too fake to forge a connection eventually? I am worried that I may still be being too fake for these people. I just feel like being "your best self" is a very blurred line when you are somewhat personally versatile, able to wear a lot of hats, because your best self on a date would mean what makes the person happy and enjoy themselves.

 

I've done crazy stuff with dating in the past. I don't want to talk about it I cringe when I think about it. I don't know if it was intentionally to sabotage things or I just found the drama more entertaining than actually dating. I was artificial, weird, and inconsistent on my dates, but I didn't care. But that me is dead and I am trying to take dating more seriously now and have it lead down a serious path. Whether I want that yet is up for debate, but I want to at least try. I feel like I really strongly do not want a relationship right now but casual dating, but I am very open to changing my mind.

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I have never changed my style to fit with a guy on a date. Never. I would not even know how to do that. I have my style, which is classy-sexy. I always wore a dress and high heels on a first date. A few times I felt I was too overdress for the gentleman, some men apologized for being dressed down when they met me. It's alright, if I am too girly for them then we're not a match and life goes on. I also only wear mascara and lipsticks, nothing else. If a man prefers a woman with a full face make-up than it's not gonna be me.

 

As for conversation I am very chatty, if I don't feel a good vibe while conversing I will not adjust, I accept we are not compatible and I move on. When I was less experienced I did go on dates several times with men that don't talk at all, by the 3rd date I was bored out of my mind. There is no use to changing who you really are, you will end up dating someone that's not fully compatible with you.

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Cookiesandough

Thank Gaeta. That makes sense. Your style sounds nice. I guess I'm sort of all over the place in terms of style so I guess it's easier for me. I am kind of a social chameleon until someone really gets to know me. But you're right, I have to tone it down a bit or I'll waste my time with someone completely incompatible. Thanks again

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You compared dating to a job interview, so I will give you the best advice I got when I was interviewing for academic positions: "Be yourself. You don't want to end up working for a company who's not a match for you."

 

The parallel with dating is obvious: be yourself. You don't want to end up in a relationship with someone who doesn't appreciate who you are.

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He's seems a bare bones adventurer sort, so I'm dressing in lighter colors ...

 

Why don't you wear a pith helmet and shorts too...:laugh:

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Cookiesandough

Ty Gaeta and Kamille. Your style sounds really nice, Gaeta. You're right, I need to be myself but it's just hard to know that line between *best self* and *self* because I kind of a social chameleon.

 

Why don't you wear a pith helmet and shorts too...:laugh:

 

Hahahaha I was thinking of going more along these lines though maybe a revolverhttps://i.imgur.com/m64Op07.jpg but I can add that hat. thanks for the fashion tip:lmao:

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Ty Gaeta and Kamille. Your style sounds really nice, Gaeta. You're right, I need to be myself but it's just hard to know that line between *best self* and *self* because I kind of a social chameleon.

 

 

 

Hahahaha I was thinking of going more along these lines though maybe a revolverhttps://i.imgur.com/m64Op07.jpg but I can add that hat. thanks for the fashion tip:lmao:

 

You know that feeling you get when with a best friend and you're just having fun and you feel appreciated for who you are? That's your best self.

 

It's not the self that twists herself into a pretzel to seduce a stranger.

 

Be that bestie-best self on your dates. That way, your dates will get to know who you are. And believe me, they will appreciate it.

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I have a date tonight. I'm picking out what I'm going to wear. I noticed that I'm sort of calibrating my style to fit the image of the guy in my head (based off his Tinder pics). He's seems a bare bones adventurer sort, so I'm dressing in lighter colors than if I were going out with a black leather wearing post punk fan. Do most people do this?

 

Odd

 

When I think of adventurer, I think earth colors.

 

Your clothes don't matter to the guy. It's the physical attraction and your personality.

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Cookiesandough
Odd

 

When I think of adventurer, I think earth colors.

 

Your clothes don't matter to the guy. It's the physical attraction and your personality.

 

Well, yes, earth colors. But a lighter palette than the other example ( khaki, white, camel etc) I didn't mean pastels. but anyway this is sort of off topic. I think it's awkward to be on a date mismatched. The guy is wearing grunge outfit and you are dressed in heels and a dress. He probably won't mind if he's attracted, but I like to fit in together

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Cookiesandough

My bestie knows I am crazy and she's cool with it, but she knows me. I can't show my crazy on a first date. It's way too soon.

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Finding your style doesn't mean always being in the same style, it means finding what makes you feel good. When I went out on a first date I felt my best in a dress, that's what made me feel pretty and sexy. Then we went on a movie date, there I felt my best in a pair of jeans, wedge sandals and and a little cardigan cause of air conditioning. It was a completely different style but always something I feel good in.

 

So what you are doing backward is to dress to please your date, you should dress to please *yourself*

 

I remember BF and I were heading to a dinner at my brother. I had put on a very colorful dress. My BF asked why I was in a dress because it's always very casual at my brother they all wear jeans, I said because I feel like wearing a colorful dress, I feel happy and bubbly, that's what I want to wear. I had a great time because I felt good about myself.

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I don’t think acting on your best behavior on dates is being fake at all. It’s showing class and manners. What if a guy acts as if everyday is his first date with her? I don’t think she’ll want to get rid of him.

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I think most people adjust somewhat to maximize their ability to make a good impression, and will also dress to suit the nature of the date - high heels and a dress would NOT be smart for canoeing on a lake, for instance.

 

That said, you should stay within your comfort zone, and not change to fit some concept (or the other person) outside it - that won't work for the long run, anyway.

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My bestie knows I am crazy and she's cool with it, but she knows me. I can't show my crazy on a first date. It's way too soon.

 

 

What does "crazy" mean to you?

 

I hope it's not shorthand for you beating down on yourself.

 

Expect your dates to accept you for who you are. To do that, you have to accept who you are.

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I remember a thread on here from a man telling us when he met his girlfriend she was so pretty and well put together, she had her hair strengthen out and was in a cute dress. Then after a few dates she never again fix her hair that way or put a dress on. No need to say he felt she had 'bate' him. She had shown him a woman she is not.

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All of that speaks to you not having a clear idea of who cookiesanddough is. While I will change my outfit to fit a venue -- I'm not going to wear high heels if we're going for a hike, I have never altered my style to suit another. Since meeting DH I have been able to embrace silences more without feelings the need to fill them up with words but I can't say that I have ever altered my fundamental values / persona. Maybe I lowered or raised my voice, or focused on a particular subject that seemed to interest my companion but that is about as far as I would go.

 

 

Cookies -- the title of your thread is about authenticity. Be who YOU are, not who you think the guy wants.

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Ty Gaeta and Kamille. Your style sounds really nice, Gaeta. You're right, I need to be myself but it's just hard to know that line between *best self* and *self* because I kind of a social chameleon.

 

Hi Cookiesandsough,

 

The comedian Chris Rock said it best "When you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them, you're meeting their representative"

 

Your self IS your best self. If you like dressing up, get dressed up. If you like earth tones go with earth tones.

 

I know what it's like to be a social chameleon and I also know that when I was, I had a lot of "fake" relationships, and not just with women.

 

We all need to learn to love ourselves for who we are. While I do not know you, I will tell you that I believe, as a woman, you are a goddess (as I believe all women are).

 

The thing is, so many of you (women) have forgotten that or never really knew it.

 

No, not every man is going to like you or love you, but there is most definitely men out there who will. But...

 

If you don't think of yourself as the true goddess you are, how can a man (any man) see you that way?

 

Do some personal development and spiritual work.

 

Learn to love yourself for the goddess you truly are and you will find men who will gladly worship you as that goddess (as I do for my goddess).

 

Sending you much love and light

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My bestie knows I am crazy and she's cool with it, but she knows me. I can't show my crazy on a first date. It's way too soon.

 

Right now the song "Blank Space" is running through my head. So are you going to try to be what the guy wants for a few dates and then to let your crazy come out for about a month? :confused: I think a much better solution is to be focusing on fixing THAT, not your wardrobe or your first-date conversation. You actually seem to do pretty well in regards to making a good impression, it is your tendency to "spin" out of control that is what causes so many issues for you.

Edited by Imajerk17
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I feel like if you are looking for something long term, you should always be yourself on the first date. By changing you style to fit the guy, you're starting a potential new relationship on a falsehood which will lead to trouble later on in the relationship as both you become more comfortable with each other and discover the other person isn't who they thought they were.

 

If the other person end up not liking you for who you are, so be it. You were not a good fit to begin with. In my opinion, the purpose of the first date isn't to get a second date...it's to see if both of you are compatible enough for a second date.

 

I think the biggest mistake people make about dating is take not getting a 2nd date personally. don't take it personally. it just means you're not the other person's type or not what the other person's looking for...which is fine. because if you are not what they're looking for, they're not what you're looking for either.

 

but if all you are looking for is just a hook up, by all means....change your style to increase your chances.

Edited by FOBolous
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I never alter myself for a first date/meet. I will wear clothing appropriate to what we're doing - obviously.

 

Maybe this is where your later anxiety stems from Cookies?

You later realise you're not the person you first presented with and can't keep it up so become anxious and duck out or ghost on them?

 

I go on dates being myself ALWAYS.

If we aren't a match that's fine, it happens but until you 'be yourself' you can't necessarily tell whether there's any potential there or not.

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Versacehottie
I never alter myself for a first date/meet. I will wear clothing appropriate to what we're doing - obviously.

 

Maybe this is where your later anxiety stems from Cookies?

You later realise you're not the person you first presented with and can't keep it up so become anxious and duck out or ghost on them?

 

I go on dates being myself ALWAYS.

If we aren't a match that's fine, it happens but until you 'be yourself' you can't necessarily tell whether there's any potential there or not.

 

I agree with the bolded. I think the anxiety might be though that cookies has overthought all the potential strategies and ways to approach a new guy and there is too much filling up her head. And then you get to the last line of her OP and she said she really doesn't want a relationship now.

 

Actually a lot of what cookies wrote in her OP is valid dating advice & sociological advice for making a first impression, making friends, etc. Perhaps it is so researched that so much is going on in her head that she can't put the strategy to the side and just be herself--that would definitely cause anxiety. I don't think it's the only thing but it's probably contributing.

 

That said, I don't disagree with her in that usually people have many interests and sides to them so is it wrong to favor one side over the others in order to find commonality with someone? No, not really. But then maybe people who do it to excess do it because "who they are" isn't quite fully formed and defined yet. I think you can walk a middle path of being yourself but finding common ground with any date. And maybe that's what she will do. I don't think cookies has any problem at all getting a date, being entertaining, etc on the dates--it's later when her own personal demons arise. Idk, i think it's good to be open to different types of people as she is for this date. Skew a little more to what she thinks he likes is fine--it's not like she is going out and buying a new wardrobe--those things exist in her closet so effectively they are who she is on some level.

 

btw, side note: adventurer type guys, assuming you mean hikers and mountain biking types typically don't seem to care what you wear as long as you are fit lol. And for anyone taking that 100% seriously i mean on the spectrum! But yes to the lighter colors! Ok good luck

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todreaminblue

i have a few rules about dating and clothes one i like to be feminine and treated like a woman.....so its its a real date ill wear a long skirt and top or ill wear a feminine floaty dress with a long scarf and an loose light over shirt or cotton cardigan and tights underneath....i like to feel comfortable on dates so i can send them comfy vibes......i wear flat shoes....if it were just a meet and greet ...and not really a date.....i would wear pants and a feminine top and or jacket to match and shoes i find comfortable to walk in like sneakers.....

 

i don't change my style to suit a guy my style changes to suit me.i am a bit of a bohemian/multiple personality...... i dont think thats the idea of dressing to complement someone anyway...i would wear a guys favorite color though fi i knew it.....as a splash of color not an overall thing...unless it was blue ....blue is my fave color.....i wear it alot....not a huge fan of bright red.....love wine red though or burgundy......i feel im more a color person.....i love natural colours and caramels tans mixed with wine reds...blues mixed with greens ....i like most colors....except for bright red....reminds me of a green tree frog i saw whipped to death...my fave color is deepest ocean blue......

 

one color i wouldnt wear on a date from personal experience...is white....i should actually never wear white...i am clumsy.....smilin...i do however love wearing white.....

 

cookies what kind of clothes do you really feel good in...if you are comfortable trust me that is far more important on a date....for you and your date .....deb.

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