Is this an indicator that he doesn’t want to live together?

[heavenonearth]

For Christmas, my boyfriend gave me a cooking pot. I was super happy about it. It is a very expensive one (about 200 euro) and i don’t really have any fancy cooking utensils (i am still a student), so i thought it was thoughtful.

One of the reasons he bought it for me was because he has the same one and “thought i would be able to enjoy it too”.

 

Part of me thinks this may mean he doesn’t see us ever merging households? Maybe i am thinking too far. But i thought maybe this is an indicator that he thinks we will always have our separate flats and will never move in together.

 

Note: i don’t look to move in for at least another year or year and a half. But i do want it eventually.

 

Do you think this present means anything?

Am i worrying too much?

[No_Go]

Worrying too much. I mean the present is something he thought you may like/need now. If you merge households - what's the deal - if he moves in with you, he'll have it, if you move to him - you can bring it. I don't see a deal.

 

Was moving in brought up in any of your conversations (not in the 'someday' way, more in concrete terms)?

[Happy Lemming]

Its just a pot... Don't read anything into it.

 

Maybe he thought you liked his and thought this would be a neat gift, so you could enjoy a hot meal.

 

If he wants to make a life with you, an extra pot or two isn't going to make a difference.

 

I would have loved to get a new expensive pot from my girlfriend. I'm envious!!

[heavenonearth]

Worrying too much. I mean the present is something he thought you may like/need now. If you merge households - what's the deal - if he moves in with you, he'll have it, if you move to him - you can bring it. I don't see a deal.

 

Was moving in brought up in any of your conversations (not in the 'someday' way, more in concrete terms)?

 

No but when we first met last May, he mentioned very early on that he does not want to ever live with someone again. About three months in, in a conversation i said something like “if we ever live together..” and his response was “well, let’s talk about that in two years”.

 

So since we never talked about it.

[heavenonearth]

Its just a pot... Don't read anything into it.

 

Maybe he thought you liked his and thought this would be a neat gift, so you could enjoy a hot meal.

 

If he wants to make a life with you, an extra pot or two isn't going to make a difference.

 

I would have loved to get a new expensive pot from my girlfriend. I'm envious!!

 

Yes i love the pot. Probably the most expensive thing in my kitchen now. It’s a Staub.

[LilySun]

I don't the gift means he wouldn't live with you or doesn't see a future with you. To him it's just a gift he thought you'd like and I doubt it crossed his mind at all that it could give you the wrong idea. Especially if you have never discussed living together yet. In term of gifting he thought of something useful for you in the present time and beyond that I don't think it symbolizes anything about your relationship.

[BaileyB]

My boyfriend and I joke that we have "two of everything." It is the sad reality when you have been living independently and you finally meet the one with whom you want to spend the rest of your life.

 

Don't worry. It was a thoughtful gift. Enjoy it and know, there are more good things to come.

[No_Go]

No but when we first met last May, he mentioned very early on that he does not want to ever live with someone again. About three months in, in a conversation i said something like “if we ever live together..” and his response was “well, let’s talk about that in two years”.

 

So since we never talked about it.

 

he mentioned very early on that he does not want to ever live with someone again. - well this statement, not the gift, would have made me nervous as well. I mean depends - people change opinions (and also sometimes make hyperbolic statements - I'm certainly guilty of the latter) but if he's really dead set against living together and you don't find this feasible for your future... it is a major incompatibility.

[LilySun]

he mentioned very early on that he does not want to ever live with someone again. - well this statement, not the gift, would have made me nervous as well. I mean depends - people change opinions (and also sometimes make hyperbolic statements - I'm certainly guilty of the latter) but if he's really dead set against living together and you don't find this feasible for your future... it is a major incompatibility.

 

Well he did suggest discussing it down the road so I guess he isn't ruling it out completely. People commonly say they will never marry again, etc because of bad experience, but I've known most of those people to get married again, it was just not right away.

[basil67]

The cooking pot doesn't suggest anything much. But the fact that he's told you that he doesn't see himself living with anyone again speaks volumes. Yes, I hear that he said he'd revisit the thought in a couple of years, but I would put little faith in this happening.

 

How will you feel if in three years time he still can't see himself moving in? Will you be mad at yourself for wasting your time with him? (He's been honest, so you can't be mad with him)

[TheTraveler]

For Christmas, my boyfriend gave me a cooking pot. I was super happy about it. It is a very expensive one (about 200 euro) and i don’t really have any fancy cooking utensils (i am still a student), so i thought it was thoughtful.

One of the reasons he bought it for me was because he has the same one and “thought i would be able to enjoy it too”.

 

Part of me thinks this may mean he doesn’t see us ever merging households? Maybe i am thinking too far. But i thought maybe this is an indicator that he thinks we will always have our separate flats and will never move in together.

 

Note: i don’t look to move in for at least another year or year and a half. But i do want it eventually.

 

Do you think this present means anything?

Am i worrying too much?

 

Your gut thinking is right. He doesn't see you both merging homes anytime soon, if ever.

[snowboy91]

No but when we first met last May, he mentioned very early on that he does not want to ever live with someone again. About three months in, in a conversation i said something like “if we ever live together..” and his response was “well, let’s talk about that in two years”.

 

So since we never talked about it.

 

You've spoken about all that far too early. The fact he said "again" means he must have had a very bad share house (or live-in partner) situation, and it's going to take quite a while for him to consider doing that again.

 

You haven't been together a year yet. Moving in together is probably not even on his radar at the moment. The optimist in me is saying that when he got you that gift, the idea of having two of the same pot in the future didn't occur to him. Not because he actively doesn't want to live with you, but because he just didn't realise it was an issue.

 

That being said, it's clearly important to you that you will eventually live together. You may have to discuss that with him - it's an end goal you want, but there doesn't need to be a set time for it to happen. He might be ready in 2 years, for all we know. But don't let yourself be strung along if he really doesn't ever want to live with someone.

[heavenonearth]

he mentioned very early on that he does not want to ever live with someone again. - well this statement, not the gift, would have made me nervous as well. I mean depends - people change opinions (and also sometimes make hyperbolic statements - I'm certainly guilty of the latter) but if he's really dead set against living together and you don't find this feasible for your future... it is a major incompatibility.

 

Yes it was something he said very early on when we were discussing our experience of living alone. As you may know, he was living for 10 years with his last partner.

Back then in the discussion i was also saying how much i enjoy my independence and living on my own for the first time after always having lived with roommates or partners. So we both sort of enjoyed that for now.

 

I kind of hope he will change his mind again though.

[heavenonearth]

The cooking pot doesn't suggest anything much. But the fact that he's told you that he doesn't see himself living with anyone again speaks volumes. Yes, I hear that he said he'd revisit the thought in a couple of years, but I would put little faith in this happening.

 

How will you feel if in three years time he still can't see himself moving in? Will you be mad at yourself for wasting your time with him? (He's been honest, so you can't be mad with him)

 

I don’t think it will mean i wasted my time with him but i think it will definitely be a shock because i would hope he would change his mind again.

 

We have talked about kids and part of me wondered then - what does he want to do then, co parent in different households!??? that just sounds ridiculous to me.

[heavenonearth]

Your gut thinking is right. He doesn't see you both merging homes anytime soon, if ever.

 

Why do you think so?

[FilterCoffee]

I don’t think it will mean i wasted my time with him but i think it will definitely be a shock because i would hope he would change his mind again.

 

We have talked about kids and part of me wondered then - what does he want to do then, co parent in different households!??? that just sounds ridiculous to me.

 

Hey heavenonearth,

 

If your partner wants to have kids and get married then I think it's safe to assume he's going to live with you eventually. I would try to casually bring it up though just to see how he responds. You'll only need to worry if he plans to live separately after marriage and kids. I found his gift thoughtful and I hope you're spoiling each other with some goooood food!

[heavenonearth]

You've spoken about all that far too early. The fact he said "again" means he must have had a very bad share house (or live-in partner) situation, and it's going to take quite a while for him to consider doing that again.

 

You haven't been together a year yet. Moving in together is probably not even on his radar at the moment. The optimist in me is saying that when he got you that gift, the idea of having two of the same pot in the future didn't occur to him. Not because he actively doesn't want to live with you, but because he just didn't realise it was an issue.

 

That being said, it's clearly important to you that you will eventually live together. You may have to discuss that with him - it's an end goal you want, but there doesn't need to be a set time for it to happen. He might be ready in 2 years, for all we know. But don't let yourself be strung along if he really doesn't ever want to live with someone.

 

Yes he lived with his ex for 10 years in a very small apartment and they had a lot of issues for most of that time. He says she was abusive and apparently she was very difficult and controlling.

 

The reason why i want to eventually live together is because i want a family with him. I want to have a kid with him someday.

And i realize that this is not something we want now but i mean, eventually. And it would be only making sense to live together then, right?

I was already wondering about it, how does he otherwise imagine us having a kid, if we won’t live together.

 

I don’t know if he is stringing me along. I hope not. If he truly never wants to live with me this would be such a big issue for me. I haven’t really thought about it until i got this pot now. So it’s been on my mind since Christmas.

[heavenonearth]

Hey heavenonearth,

 

If your partner wants to have kids and get married then I think it's safe to assume he's going to live with you eventually. I would try to casually bring it up though just to see how he responds. You'll only need to worry if he plans to live separately after marriage and kids. I found his gift thoughtful and I hope you're spoiling each other with some goooood food!

 

No we don’t want to get married, that’s already out of the picture. But we really want kids together eventually.

 

For Christmas i made him this advent calendar where i wrote every day about a place i want to visit/ live at with him. Sort of like a life itinerary for us. He loved it very much. So i felt really good about a future in which we will possibly live together. But what scared me then was the pot, where i thought “oh no, what if he doesn’t really ever want to live together after all, like he said when we had just met?”

 

And yes we are always spoiling each other with food. Although i like to think he is the better cook.

[FilterCoffee]

No we don’t want to get married, that’s already out of the picture. But we really want kids together eventually.

 

For Christmas i made him this advent calendar where i wrote every day about a place i want to visit/ live at with him. Sort of like a life itinerary for us. He loved it very much. So i felt really good about a future in which we will possibly live together. But what scared me then was the pot, where i thought “oh no, what if he doesn’t really ever want to live together after all, like he said when we had just met?”

 

And yes we are always spoiling each other with food. Although i like to think he is the better cook.

 

Hmmm, I don't have a problem with couples who have children out of wedlock but in your case, you may run into issues. He may actually want to raise the child in separate households. His last live in relationship sounded terrible and I can't say for sure if he's gotten over it. If I were you, I would try to get his final stance on it before committing too much more. I can see this being a major dealbreaker but tread carefully while you're finding out; this could turn into a huge fight where he feels you're pressuring him to change.

[heavenonearth]

Hmmm, I don't have a problem with couples who have children out of wedlock but in your case, you may run into issues. He may actually want to raise the child in separate households. His last live in relationship sounded terrible and I can't say for sure if he's gotten over it. If I were you, I would try to get his final stance on it before committing too much more. I can see this being a major dealbreaker but tread carefully while you're finding out; this could turn into a huge fight where he feels you're pressuring him to change.

 

You mean his final stance on ever living together?

I honestly am scared to ask that question now.

We have been together 8 months and i feel it’s too early to have that conversation.

 

As far as i know he is over the last relationship.

He never talks about her, sometimes she comes up because i bring her up and he does not particularly like it when i do.

[FilterCoffee]

You mean his final stance on ever living together?

I honestly am scared to ask that question now.

We have been together 8 months and i feel it’s too early to have that conversation.

 

As far as i know he is over the last relationship.

He never talks about her, sometimes she comes up because i bring her up and he does not particularly like it when i do.

 

Yes, I meant his final stance on living together. I don't think 8 months is too early to have this conversation because it is a dealbreaker for you. Even if you date him for 5 years but he still feels this way, you're not going to have a child with him. So why prolong finding out something that's so important to you?

 

I'm sure he's over his ex but have the wounds from that relationship healed? I can understand your hesitation to talk about this but you don't have to be direct in getting the information you need. You could ask, "if we were to live together, what kind of pet would you like?" or "what kind of father would you be like; the kind that would do all the fun stuff with the kids and leave the disciplining along with the house chores to the mom?" I know these are lame questions but I hope you caught my drift.

[heavenonearth]

Yes, I meant his final stance on living together. I don't think 8 months is too early to have this conversation because it is a dealbreaker for you. Even if you date him for 5 years but he still feels this way, you're not going to have a child with him. So why prolong finding out something that's so important to you?

 

I'm sure he's over his ex but have the wounds from that relationship healed? I can understand your hesitation to talk about this but you don't have to be direct in getting the information you need. You could ask, "if we were to live together, what kind of pet would you like?" or "what kind of father would you be like; the kind that would do all the fun stuff with the kids and leave the disciplining along with the house chores to the mom?" I know these are lame questions but I hope you caught my drift.

 

Well, we know we want children together, this is something we have talked about. I also know what kind of father he will be, I see him with his nephews and nieces all the time, and he's told me about all the things he'd love to experience when we have a kid.

 

And I already know he wants a dog eventually.

 

Anyway, I am not sure how I would start a conversation like that without running it into the dumpster, that's how I am

[FilterCoffee]

Well, we know we want children together, this is something we have talked about. I also know what kind of father he will be, I see him with his nephews and nieces all the time, and he's told me about all the things he'd love to experience when we have a kid.

 

And I already know he wants a dog eventually.

 

Anyway, I am not sure how I would start a conversation like that without running it into the dumpster, that's how I am

 

Haha I totally understand but it's either being coy or asking directly which I think you'll find harder. The thing is, it's a compatibility issue where one of you will have to compromise to carry this relationship forward. Are you willing to compromise?

[heavenonearth]

Haha I totally understand but it's either being coy or asking directly which I think you'll find harder. The thing is, it's a compatibility issue where one of you will have to compromise to carry this relationship forward. Are you willing to compromise?

 

Well, if he truly never ever wants to live with me, I think I actually would accept that, because I love him and we have a great relationship otherwise.

 

But it does hurt me a bit, because I love being with him and would prefer to see him every day rather than once a week.

[FilterCoffee]

Well, if he truly never ever wants to live with me, I think I actually would accept that, because I love him and we have a great relationship otherwise.

 

But it does hurt me a bit, because I love being with him and would prefer to see him every day rather than once a week.

 

Why do you think he would only see you once a week? It's great that you're willing to compromise for the relationship because I wouldn't be able to do it were I in your shoes.