Jump to content

Escalating at work


SevenCity

Recommended Posts

Disclaimer: Not looking for a lecture, understand sexual harassment, know it's a bad idea, yadda, yadda, yadda. Buuuuuuut....

 

There's this new girl at my job. New in town, new to the industry. Probably at least 10 years younger.

 

I'm rarely meet women I'm attracted to past looks, but our interactions have led me to really become attracted to her personality. She's got this calm, naive, shy demeanor I find intoxicating. It's a rare combination and something that has eluded me since my last RL ended 1.5 years ago.

 

I've probably been nicer to her than I would normally be (helping her learn the ropes) and have kept our interactions fun while throwing in a bit of teasing...all in good fun.

 

Today I was showing her how to do something and we ended up talking about personal stuff (not too personal, but not work) for about as long as the task at hand. I can tell she looks up to me (my knowledge gained thus far...haven't been there long myself).

 

I have no idea if she's got a bf (though I suspect she doesn't - hasn't been in town long) and don't want to cross a line by asking. She could just be being friendly as I've received no obvious indications of attraction.

 

I've met my ex wife, another one I feel deeply in love with, and the greatest love of my life (who brought me here) at work (different jobs). I actually took this job, in part, as it increased my chances of meeting someone as opposed to the relationship wasteland I was in prior (I was with my ex so didn't care about that aspect).

 

In my previous work-spawned relationships, their attraction was blatant and progressing was easier.; lunch, dinner, date, sex. Not so much with this one.

 

So my question, what's the best way to escalate while not making it uncomfortable if she's not interested? If we didn't work together, or it was only temporary, I would have already asked her to dinner. Not afraid of rejection, rather causing an uncomfortable situation while also not wanting to come off like a ball-less punk. I've dropped hints (like I live by myself), but she doesn't appear to be the type who would risk pushing even if she was interested.

 

Thoughts appreciated.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe be friendly but not available. Kinda make some steps then back off a bit. I'd also be careful to not get dismissed or accused of harassment.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Seriously, just do it. Ask her for dinner on day xxx time xxx restaurant xxx. As clear as you can be. This alpha behavior is super turn on.

 

I know it’s hard though. If you’re not feeling that brave: ask her for lunch. Not in the work cafeteria, somewhere close but not too close. Compliment her. Watch reactions. Repeat in a week and escalate to dinner.

 

Good luck!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ask her to have coffee with you. That's pretty safe, need not be a date, but can be date-ish.

 

This. It's a great way to test the water and see if you can progress to dinner or something on the weekend.

Link to post
Share on other sites

"Hey, I'm going for coffee, do you want to join?"

 

Coffee buddies are a great way to build all kinds of relationships. You can talk while you walk to the shop/cafeteria/etc, and if it's a nice day and your job isn't too busy you can do a lap around the building. It's also completely harmless; nobody thinks it's harassment to ask if you want to go on a quick walk, and nobody judges two people who are just getting coffee together. It also enables you to naturally gauge her interest level.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not opposed to relationships starting at work.

 

I think it's too soon to ask her out. I suggest spending more time being friendly, and more importantly, getting personal like you have been. You have to be careful with this though because that is how you get friendzoned. When the time is right, you're going to have to ask her out on a proper date, and maybe even say that word "date". And yes you have to risk rejection.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not a coffee drinker so I don't understand all the go have coffee talk. To me, it would sound like someone asking me out, because I don't like coffee, so this person asking me to go do something I don't normally do is a date. Just a short one.

 

I know that people on dating sites ask you for a coffee dates as a segway into real dating.

Edited by Popsicle
Link to post
Share on other sites

You’re doing a pretty good job SevenCity. Keep escalating gradually and see how she responds. It’s possible that she’s only being nice because she’s new and you’re mentoring her but you never know. But would I pursue anything if I were in your shoes? Never. Too many ways to get screwed.

 

Seriously, just do it. Ask her for dinner on day xxx time xxx restaurant xxx. As clear as you can be. This alpha behavior is super turn on.

 

I know it’s hard though. If you’re not feeling that brave: ask her for lunch. Not in the work cafeteria, somewhere close but not too close. Compliment her. Watch reactions. Repeat in a week and escalate to dinner.

 

Good luck!

 

I knew you would say something like this! I hope you recover from oneitis soon :D

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm not a coffee drinker so I don't understand all the go have coffee talk. To me, it would sound like someone asking me out, because I don't like coffee, so this person asking me to go do something I don't normally do is a date. Just a short one.

 

I know that people on dating sites ask you for a coffee dates as a segway into real dating.

 

This may depend on your workplace culture. In every office where I worked most people get coffee or tea at the beginning of the day. Nobody sits around drinking it, but the "coffee walk" from your desk to the cafeteria and back to your desk again is very much a ritual where I work. And it's all of a five minute trip---definitely not long enough to be a date!

 

I don't drink a ton of coffee, but when people ask if I want to come along I typically say yes. It's a chance to stretch your legs, chat a little, or vent about whatever is bothering you. I have had coffee buddies who were women, married men, bosses, and so on.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I'm not opposed to relationships starting at work.

 

I think it's too soon to ask her out. I suggest spending more time being friendly, and more importantly, getting personal like you have been. You have to be careful with this though because that is how you get friendzoned. When the time is right, you're going to have to ask her out on a proper date, and maybe even say that word "date". And yes you have to risk rejection.

 

This is exactly what I’m afraid of. To combat it, I’ve been using playful teasing and encroaching on personal topics.

 

I have to agree with it being a bit too soon (for her - lol). She hasn’t even been there a month yet.

 

I may have screwed up when she asked me if I ever take lunch (I don’t) and said the same. Again, she could have been feeling out the culture or giving me an in. Not sure.

 

I’m perfectly aware that she could just be being friendly so I realize there is a risk of rejection which is ok. I would rather be licking my wounds from getting shot down than regretting having never tried - the latter lingers far longer.

 

Coffee is an option but it’s too friendly. Perhaps I’ll ask her out to lunch and gauge it from there.

 

One thing I did right, we had spoken so long about personal stuff that she apologized for taking up so much of my time (knowing how busy I am) to which I responded “It’s ok, I enjoyed talking to you” with a big :).

 

Appreciate all the replies!

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

If you have talked about personal stuff already then it's not too soon for coffee. It's a good opportunity to get to know her better, and perfectly acceptable among colleagues. Keep in mind that lunch wouldn't even say that much.

 

I really wouldn't sweat this small stuff in the beginning.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
If you have talked about personal stuff already then it's not too soon for coffee. It's a good opportunity to get to know her better, and perfectly acceptable among colleagues. Keep in mind that lunch wouldn't even say that much.

 

I really wouldn't sweat this small stuff in the beginning.

 

Oh not too soon for coffe, just don’t want to send a friend vibe

 

Lunch is a bit more direct especially when it’s just two people sitting down somewhere who have only known each other for 3 weeks which is why I was thinking it would send a stronger message. That’s what I did in the previous 3 instances and it was an easy transition to out of working hours outings.

 

I agree not to sweat the small stuff, but there is no beginning - trying to make one! Lol

Link to post
Share on other sites

So my question, what's the best way to escalate while not making it uncomfortable if she's not interested? If we didn't work together, or it was only temporary, I would have already asked her to dinner. Not afraid of rejection, rather causing an uncomfortable situation while also not wanting to come off like a ball-less punk. I've dropped hints (like I live by myself), but she doesn't appear to be the type who would risk pushing even if she was interested.

 

Thoughts appreciated.

 

Someone has to come in and rain on your parade, sorry it will be me :D

 

How old are you Sevencity? late 40ish I think? You said she is 10 years younger so that makes her late 30ish. She's not a prude, she's not new to life and not new to dating. She knows too well when a man likes what he sees in her. If she has not sent a shred of a 'hint' it's because she's not interested in anything further with you.

 

I think you misinterpret her kindness for interest.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Oh not too soon for coffe, just don’t want to send a friend vibe

 

Lunch is a bit more direct especially when it’s just two people sitting down somewhere who have only known each other for 3 weeks which is why I was thinking it would send a stronger message. That’s what I did in the previous 3 instances and it was an easy transition to out of working hours outings.

 

I agree not to sweat the small stuff, but there is no beginning - trying to make one! Lol

 

What I was saying is: The workplace has different rules, meaning that neither coffee nor lunch sends a strong message in itself. It's something you do among colleagues who get along, even when it is just the two of you. That in itself won't determine much.

 

If you still like her after that lunch, and you still think she's interested, you'll have to ask her out.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

If she is on the shy and naive side like you described, then I vote for coffee. The key is to direct the convo to more personal topics. Actually I was in a similar situation in my early 20s, and that's how I had my first serious bf. He was "lucky" in that we were both in the office on a Saturday, and he took the opportunity to ask me to grab coffee. I thought he's going to talk to me about work, but he started asking lots of questions about my personal life, and we ended up chatting for a few hours. In his case, it was a very strong signal, because he was very aloof at work.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
You’re doing a pretty good job SevenCity. Keep escalating gradually and see how she responds. It’s possible that she’s only being nice because she’s new and you’re mentoring her but you never know. But would I pursue anything if I were in your shoes? Never. Too many ways to get screwed.

 

 

 

I knew you would say something like this! I hope you recover from oneitis soon :D

 

Nowhere close to recovery... just the target shifted :D

 

But really I think men should step it up. Gradual approaches cut it for teenagers. For adults - as someone said, if we live the lie, let's lie in trust... We all know what we actually want and it is not really to drink coffee :o

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
If she is on the shy and naive side like you described, then I vote for coffee. The key is to direct the convo to more personal topics. Actually I was in a similar situation in my early 20s, and that's how I had my first serious bf. He was "lucky" in that we were both in the office on a Saturday, and he took the opportunity to ask me to grab coffee. I thought he's going to talk to me about work, but he started asking lots of questions about my personal life, and we ended up chatting for a few hours. In his case, it was a very strong signal, because he was very aloof at work.

 

How did you progress it from the eventful coffee June? WHat were the next steps and in what timeframe?

 

I feel like the more things spread in time, the higher the chance is that it will go to nowhere - i.e. they'll keep drinking coffee and lunching :eek:

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think that you should find out if she's got a boyfriend before doing anything. Heaven knows, LDRs seem to abound these days.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You shouldn't worry about sending a "friend vibe"; as others have said, it's an office. People are there to work, not flirt, and they're going to assume friendship as a default. (I worked very closely on a daily basis with my now-husband for over a year before I realized he might actually be flirting with me.) But this is a good thing. Coming off as romantically interested to a brand-new coworker who you're supposed to be helping ends in your manager's office.

 

Spend some more time together and see how she behaves. If she talks a lot about personal issues or suggests she's interested in meeting up outside of work, you have a good indication that she might be up for more. If she isn't interested she can reject your overtures gently and you'll both be fine.

Edited by lana-banana
  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

We had been working on a project together for a few months. I started to admire him for his work, and I think he could sense that; I could also sort of sense that he really liked me, but wasn't sure if it was that way (I was pretty shy and naive back then :o). But like I said, considering his personality at work, his taking me to coffee and started treating me in a more personal manner was a big contrast to how he used to treat me, in a professional way. There were a million other signals, like his body language, etc. And who said you have to get stuck at the coffee and lunch stage? Of course, the next step would be dinner, and the rest was history.

 

But I agree with Lana that it's tricky to do it to a new colleague. For starters, you don't want to put her in an awkward position. In my case, we already had built some rapport and even if I rejected him romantically (say, because I already had a boyfriend), it wouldn't create a big drama.

 

How did you progress it from the eventful coffee June? WHat were the next steps and in what timeframe?

 

I feel like the more things spread in time, the higher the chance is that it will go to nowhere - i.e. they'll keep drinking coffee and lunching :eek:

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
We had been working on a project together for a few months. I started to admire him for his work, and I think he could sense that; I could also sort of sense that he really liked me, but wasn't sure if it was that way (I was pretty shy and naive back then :o). But like I said, considering his personality at work, his taking me to coffee and started treating me in a more personal manner was a big contrast to how he used to treat me, in a professional way. There were a million other signals, like his body language, etc. And who said you have to get stuck at the coffee and lunch stage? Of course, the next step would be dinner, and the rest was history.

 

IME the coffee/lunch stage is risky because unless the female gives clear signals, more beta males are getting stuck in ambiguity... I think the 'modern' take on endless asking for consent caused this but again I guess for sexually aggressive females this won't be an issue. OP's interest is on the other end of the spectrum though (young, shy, naive) so they can be lunching for eternity... unless he steps out of his comfort zone...

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would think the coffee is exactly the step to gauge her romantic interest, and you can take it from there. You can tease her and flirt with her and lead the convo. If she was nearly as shy and naive and young as I was back then, she would likely be caught off guard if you ask her on a dinner date right away. Remember, they work together!

 

IME the coffee/lunch stage is risky because unless the female gives clear signals, more beta males are getting stuck in ambiguity... I think the 'modern' take on endless asking for consent caused this but again I guess for sexually aggressive females this won't be an issue. OP's interest is on the other end of the spectrum though (young, shy, naive) so they can be lunching for eternity... unless he steps out of his comfort zone...
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I would think the coffee is exactly the step to gauge her romantic interest, and you can take it from there. You can tease her and flirt with her and lead the convo. If she was nearly as shy and naive and young as I was back then, she would likely be caught off guard if you ask her on a dinner date right away. Remember, they work together!

 

Hoping for the best here! My young & naive reaction (especially if interested!) would be run the hills after getting unexpected dinner invite during 'friendly' coffee hangout :D Been there, done that... Hopefully this one is more 'social'

Edited by No_Go
Link to post
Share on other sites

That's precisely why you need to escalate step by step. But I get the impression the OP may not be that patient :p:laugh:;)

 

Hoping for the best here! My young & naive reaction (especially if interested!) would be run the hills after getting unexpected dinner invite :D Been there, done that... Hopefully this one is more 'social'
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...