motives?

[fieldoflavender]

So I'm in this weird state of "I don't know what we are" with a guy. And sadly I don't think I know what I want anymore either.

 

I just came out from a nasty breakup in the summer. Sure there are scars, but I'm mostly over it and want to move on. I've been looking for a while.

 

There's this guy I met in November and things were good, but he was trying to figure out job, whether he was even going to stay in the city so we lost touch. Then I moved into his direct neighbourhood, and we reconnected.

 

I don't really want to get hurt again, and I really don't want to "play around". I'm immensely physically attracted to this guy, but I know that's not enough for a relationship. I also met him on tinder, so I have no idea his intentions.

 

So I kinda did the whole "So what are you ultimately looking for?" - I mean I'm new in the area, I think he would make a great guy friend (yeah I know this is where my fault is - because I'm attracted to him), but I kind of just wanted to know what direction we were - and also this other dude who wasn't even flirty before meeting up had told me he kind of wanted to netflix and chill, so I was fed up with netflix and chill guys.

 

Well he gave me a lot of pauses, and long "I'm just meeting people" blah blah. But he wasn't looking to netflix and chill apparently (according to him). I made it clear I was looking for something long term, but I am happy making friends too, but netflix and chill wasn't my style. But you know what to be honest, I wouldn't mind it with a guy I was immensely attracted to, but I can't afford to be hurt again and it's hard not to devote emotions in someone you sleep with. I've only slept with people in the context of a long term relationship.

 

Then it becomes weird, after the second date, I got invited to his place because he was going to give me a ride home. Nothing happened (especially about the whole talk) but we sat in the dark talking a lot.

 

Then on the third date, we made dinner and watched a movie. Again nothing really happened, okay maybe some cuddling. But he didn't really make a move. Except he took a shower while I sat downstairs and then he went upstairs for a bit. I don't know. Is this normal behaviour for someone who only wants netflix and chill? He was in his pj's the whole time - and it was just strange. I mean - it was pre-planned, and we got food together and basically it was as if we were a long time couple, except we weren't. And then we didn't really do anything super physical.

 

So what exactly does he want? And I don't know what I want - I think I want something long term, but I can't help but be really attracted to him. And I don't want to get hurt again.

 

Just give it a time? I feel like no guy will just hang out and keep doing this pseudo platonic thing for 5+ dates if all he wanted in the beginning was netflix and chill?

[Grey40]

It’s not normal behavior but the good news is that he’s definitely interested in you, and likes you enough to not be physical yet. By telling him you’re not a “Netflix and chill” girl, you may have made him fearful of making a move now. He probably doesn’t want to make a move and give you the wrong idea or screw things up. He thinks if he tries, you’ll think he’s only looking for a hookup. This is where guys really get it wrong.

 

No matter what the girl says, you HAVE to make a move if you like the girl. The problem with Netflix and chill dudes is that they put no effort in and make you girls appear to be pieces of meat. If guys just act like normal interested people that are attracted, women will “Netflix and chill” without even realize it’s happening because it’s jusy natural.

[fieldoflavender]

Yeah I mean, hey, if I like the guy, even if we aren't in it for the long haul, it's okay to get somewhat physical. I'm okay with simple making out etc. but maybe not quite right for all the way straight off. But I see the slippery slope thing especially if you're at their place.

 

I guess that makes sense, in fact he was so self cautious after he asked me to come over and watch this movie, he kind of went oh and this is not a netflix and chill. So I guess he would be slapping himself in the face if he made a move. I guess time will tell?

 

Argh I didn't expect to get his attracted to him and there was a lot of sexual tension. Now I just feel frustrated about the whole thing.

 

And I find it hard to fall into a "comfortable routine" with someone I don't even know that well anymore. I am literally doing things with him that I used to do with my ex but way later in our relationship. He also was in a long term relationship for years and years and I think it affected him too but he broke up a few years ago whereas mine was more recent.

 

Maybe we both miss those aspects of being in a long term relationship?

[Cookiesandough]

Ask him what he's looking for. Especially if you met on Tinder. If he said he's just meeting people and hang out (my goal) and you want an LTR then you probably are not compatible. Also, I do not think this is high interest. High interest guys take you outside of their home. A bunch of netflix and chill dates /=/ high interest. There is this misconception all men are sex hungry heathens. Some just want the companionship and company of a woman to cuddle with and hang out with. If sex happens, cool, but he's cool with a very inexpensive date as well. Or maybe he is just unsure of whether he likes you enough and doesn't want to have sex because that tends to make things messy. Some men are just don't know how to esclate sexually so don't. What's the quality of your conversations like? Is he regularly meeting up with you (2x+ weekly since you guys have been dating since Nov.) How many dates?

Edited January 22, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[No_Go]

There is this misconception all men are sex hungry heathens With all the effeminate passive scared-to-death guys, I almost wish to meet a sex-hungry heathen They're so few and far in between...

 

Just give it a time? I feel like no guy will just hang out and keep doing this pseudo platonic thing for 5+ dates if all he wanted in the beginning was netflix and chill? OP you're dating a 'modern' man (aka scared-of-everything waiting you to jump his bones - otherwise he'll keep you in suspense for forever). This is almost like a plaque nowadays. I wonder if all the media noise from last year made beta men even more beta... I had the same experience like you: 4th date, my home, alone with the guy and... talking about nature and outer space for hours and hours and hours...

[kendahke]

I'm not understanding why you seem to be so confused.

 

You laid out your parameters for your relationship. He's honoring them, but you seem to have a problem with him honoring your boundaries, so the real question is:

what do you want out of him because your post here is full of mixed messages.

 

Example:

 

I don't really want to get hurt again

I really don't want to "play around".

I'm immensely physically attracted to this guy,

I was fed up with netflix and chill guys.

I made it clear I was looking for something long term, but I am happy making friends too,

I can't afford to be hurt again

Well he gave me a lot of pauses, and long "I'm just meeting people" blah blah. But he wasn't looking to netflix and chill

I got invited to his place because he was going to give me a ride home. Nothing happened.

Then on the third date, we made dinner and watched a movie. Again nothing really happened, okay maybe some cuddling.

But he didn't really make a move.

And then we didn't really do anything super physical.

 

This sounds to me as if he heard what you said and he's respecting you. Is that a problem?

 

So what exactly does he want?

 

I'd say that he doesn't want to offend you by tapping into his sexuality so he's keeping himself in check until you get the point where you're comfortable with his sexuality.

 

And I don't know what I want - I think I want something long term, but I can't help but be really attracted to him. And I don't want to get hurt again.

 

If you're after a guarantee, then stop right now. Life never has and never will provide guarantees.

 

If you don't want to get hurt again, stop dating and stay single.

 

But there is absolutely no guarantee anywhere in this present life we all have where our guarantees to have things our way 100% exists--and that's because adult humans must develop their own judgement in order to make good decisions for their lives. You have to learn how to listen to your own judgment and not be swayed by capricious feelings because that more than anything else will keep you out of bad relationships that should never be.

 

I feel like no guy will just hang out and keep doing this pseudo platonic thing for 5+ dates if all he wanted in the beginning was netflix and chill?

 

You're right. I know I wouldn't and I'm not male. 5 dates is about the limit for me---some move needs to be made at this point.

 

At some point before I allow myself to go all HAM, we're going to have to see if we're sexually compatible and if I can stand the smell/touch of his skin or how he is in bed and vice versa before I totally invest.

 

I think he's being honorable and that you need to make up your mind about what you want because you run the risk of sending mixed messages that are bound to muck up your fledgling little involvement and kill this before it even begins to breathe life.

[d0nnivain]

Stop discussing your relationship with him. Seriously. Just be. Enjoy his company for a month or so. Revisit exclusivity but not necessarily a long term commitment before you sleep together. 3-6 months after you have been sexually active then you have a more detailed discussion about where this is going. Not necessarily does he want to marry you but is marriage something he always saw in his future & if so what does that look like to him?

[fieldoflavender]

I know what I want and how I would like a relationship to play out. I want something long term - and yes I will need more info as in - is this a good person? Is this person going to be around for the rough and be enjoyable to be around with otherwise when things are good? Will they be worth it? Those questions take months and months to figure out. But I know WHAT I want - which is a long term relationship rather than just playing the field. To me that is a huge difference.

 

Maybe because he is male, he was not able to articulate that clearly to me - whether he is playing the field or actually wants something long term. He talked about wanting to start a family and did not want a hook up but then seems lost otherwise. Or he is just evasive and doesn't like mushy communication like a lot of guys. He also mentioned it's been a while since his last relationship which was many years and maybe that scarred him. Hey i've been scarred too, but I still know what I want.

 

And if someone like Cookies says really likes me, they would put more effort in and do it right and court me right.

 

My failure in all of this is I am starting to fall for him. I am extremely physically attracted to him which is making my previous whole "drawing the boundaries" thing difficult for me as well as probably him. I think there was a lot of sexual frustration last date and innuendo and I don't know.

 

As for effort, I mean it was a stay in but he did prepare a recipe, and we did go out and buy the food and cook the food and that took hours. Sure he may have been trying to get me in bed, but he has yet to even kiss me, so I think that's a hell lot of work to do just for that. I mean time will tell - if all he wants is sex, and I'm not giving it to him easily, then he will back away. When I said I don't netflix and chill, I didn't mean I can't like not do ANYTHING physical. It's just that I don't want to watch a movie on a 2nd date and have sex.

 

I don't even know - I think I keep just giving up and saying let's test this out. But I have this bad feeling since I'm falling for this guy that this could end up in heartbreak. I'm trying to protect myself, but yeah I know what you guys are saying - I can't always do that.

 

I am not crazy - I know people need time to figure out if they want to invest long term. I need that myself. But I think there is a difference between a netflix and chill guy versus a guy who wants the real deal but is picky.

 

And how does it feel as a girl - for you to want to be exclusive with the person, but they still aren't feeling it and still need more time? I don't know how accepting I am of that. It's more like - what is it about me that they still aren't sure about?

 

I also have another dude going after me right now and I don't like him as much as this dude, but maybe I should give him more of a chance if this guy isn't feeling it? But it's hard because I keep trying this multi dating thing - and it's fine for the first 1-2 dates, but when I hit beyond 3+ dates with someone, and I am falling for them, it really doesn't work and it's not fair to the "standby" person. But I am spending possibly months trying to figure this out and not opening myself up emotionally to other people.

 

The deal with November is he was figuring out work situation so I wanted him to figure that out to see even if we would be in the same city. That took 2 months to figure out. We are really only starting again in January and met twice since then. And I've been working a lot since then.

[staggerlee71]

pressure much. poor guy likes you, he came back for 2 and 3 dates.

 

 

poor guy had an idea of how HE wanted it to go and BAM!!!

 

You want to fix this....he needs a little guidance... however that is in your life

[Cookiesandough]

It seemed like you were on the fence about him but now you're super attracted because he hasn't made a move. This happened to me before a few times. The thing is not being sure if they are physically attracted to you makes you want them more. I never let it go past the 3 date mark if he didn't at least try to escalate (I reject the advances, but I appreciate them because I like red blooded men) so I never knew how they played out but my best guess he's just not sure yet. He says he doesn't want a hookup - I have heard that before too. Some guys just aren't into that. They want to really like the girl and see it as a long-term thing before it goes there. He probably isn't sure yet which leads me to believe he's lukewarm. I think if you question what it is after a 5 dates (not just starting as friends but met online so these are dates) it's probably nothing. Not saying it can't turn into anything, but something really has to change to ignite a spark of interest for it to go the next level.

 

tldr; My best guess is this guy is rebounding or still kind of feeling his last break up and not ready to move on yet. He still misses companionship (and probably sex) but he doesn't do casual sex. So he's putting his toe in the water and meeting girls hoping one changes his mind. He's not sure if you're that girl yet and after this long, I think it's better to focus on the other guys.

Edited January 24, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[fieldoflavender]

I think there is physical attraction from his side - he keeps turning everything into innuendo and sometimes making borderline sexual jokes. I think he may not know what he wants but now that I presented the whole - I only want something serious, he needs to figure out what he wants. Or maybe I don't even know.

 

I guess I will see how it plays out in the next couple of dates and go from there.

 

And is it excessive to text multiple times daily if you're not actually serious about each other and weren't friends to begin with?

[FOBolous]

you scared him from making a move by telling him complaining about how all other guys want is "Netflix and chill" and how how you're not that type of girl. he likes you and is trying to prove he is different from other guys, is overthinking his dates, and overthinking what he should do next.

 

If you want something to happen, you'll have to make a move.

[fieldoflavender]

Well the other thing I was bothered about was wearing pj's when we were on a home date. Like that screams netflix and chill, although we didn't do that. But it was like date #3 - too early. And even if we're "friends", my guy friends don't do that - my closest guy friend doesn't do that with me. I think I'm just going to leave it, because I don't get it.

 

Then he offered for me to meet his family member in the future. I don't know meh. Too confusing.

[fieldoflavender]

Ok here's the update for anyone who was following this. So it's done. I learned to respect myself, and I think you're right cookies - the red flags were there in the beginning, but because I was attracted to him, I got blinded.

 

On the second date I had asked him what he wanted and he couldn't give me a straight answer. I hate guys who don't know what they want - it's one thing to be like "I want long term but I like taking time to get to know the person" but he literally couldn't say ****. So either he is chicken about admitting he wants netflix and chill or he actually is a loser who at mid late 30's doesn't know what he wants. That's pretty pathetic.

 

Anyways, he is so flaky and he makes much less than me and I feel like he's the type of guy who expects the girl to boost his ego. His job situation is not great (same field) but behind compared to me and he's older than me. That wouldn't necessarily break our relationship, but like honestly if you make 50% of my salary, I'm not cooking for you period. Go find a housewife or something.

 

So it's done. I deleted him off tinder and I don't think we can be friends. Meh. Too bad since he lives in my neighbourhood. I kind of regret not just going the friend route in the first place.