Now or never?

[FaithInTheDark]

Hi,

I was seeing this guy all summer that was recently divorced at the time. He was a great guy but you could tell he was emotionally unavailable.

Eventually, he told me how "he gave his heart to his wife & was determined to make it work" and it wasn't fair to me.

. But, in all honesty he is a really decent person and treated me with respect...

. He reached out to see how I was doing and we made plans to hang out.

It had been over 4 months since I saw him last. We went out last night and had a blast. I told him how I cared about him but didn't want to spend time with him if he's just going to run back to his ex.

I also was very clear that I'm a 1st choice girl. Not a second choice.

He said he completely understood that and how they won't get back together. There's too much damage between him and his ex. He also said he has some emotional attachment, not just physical to me as well.

He also mentioned "taking it slow' which was something he said back in the summer

But, i've noticed a big difference in him. He's alot more open, easier to converse with and a lot more fun.

It's been 10 Months since he's been divorced so maybe the time has helped him with personal growth.

I'm not going to be nieve that it's over with his wife either.

I spend the night at his house and we had an intimate sleep over. After leaving, I realized how much I want to be his real girlfriend.

I can't just continue a casual fling with him anymore because I'd be selling myself Short. Enough time and investment has gone by at this point.

I really want to put this out on the table but don't know how to go about it.

I know we've been apart for 4 months but the feelings are still there. I get he probably wants his freedom as I've heard recently single men crave this but, it's been 10 Months

Does anyone have any advice on this kind of situation.?

[d0nnivain]

Unfortunately taking it slow for him means he will hold back emotionally. He's not ready to risk getting hurt again. If you are willing to risk being more invested in the relationship initially & you can be very patient, I'm talking years, perhaps something can develop. I think time has proven to him that reconciliation with his ExW is out of the Q. You said he seems more open but that doesn't mean he's truly ready. Being with you is a baby step at best.

[smackie9]

You can't keep doing this casually....well that would be a good opening to a conversation that is needed. Stop worrying about him refusing to take things further....you need to hear it so you can move on.

 

Sticking it out hoping things will change is stupid and too risky. Then you really will get hurt. Cut him loose before you are knee deep in it.

[Gaeta]

I would not touch him with a 6' pole. There is a good reason why we should not date people freshly out of marriages/relationships, it's because they need time to screw their head back on properly. They need time to assess what happened and time to assess what they want next. It takes about 25% of length of their relationship to move on so if he was married 5 years that means he needs 1,5 year to figure himself out.

 

Warning: This man can say all day long he's ready for a relationship, he's lying to himself. We all think we're ready because we want to go back to that 'safe place' as soon as possible but we're not.

[FaithInTheDark]

You all are right. He's not ready and after the statement "take things slow" was a used once again ...that was a Red flag. I can't move backwards, only forward. It's too bad because this guy is a gem. But, I'm taking a step away before I allow myself to get wrapped up in him.

[FaithInTheDark]

You can't keep doing this casually....well that would be a good opening to a conversation that is needed. Stop worrying about him refusing to take things further....you need to hear it so you can move on.

 

Sticking it out hoping things will change is stupid and too risky. Then you really will get hurt. Cut him loose before you are knee deep in it.

 

I honestly think I need to hear it from him. That's just the way I am.

[Gaeta]

I honestly think I need to hear it from him. That's just the way I am.

 

Then change that side of you or you will go from love disappointments to disappointments. You run your life, not him. By wanting to hear it from him you are giving HIM the power of decision of 'your life'.

 

You take your power back, You decide this is not the type of rollercoasters you want in your life, You decide you deserve and want better, much better. If You don't watch your own back, if You don't lookout for your best interest, who will?

Edited January 22, 2018 by Gaeta

[smackie9]

I honestly think I need to hear it from him. That's just the way I am.

That's what I meant when I posted : You can't keep doing this casually....well that would be a good opening to a "conversation" (with him) that is needed. ....you need to hear it (from him) so you can move on.

[FaithInTheDark]

Then change that side of you or you will go from love disappointments to disappointments. You run your life, not him. By wanting to hear it from him you are giving HIM the power of decision of 'your life'.

 

You take your power back, You decide this is not the type of rollercoasters you want in your life, You decide you deserve and want better, much better. If You don't watch your own back, if You don't lookout for your best interest, who will?

 

Very wise words.

[kendahke]

Does anyone have any advice on this kind of situation.?

 

How much time are you prepared to let drip drip drip by waiting on him to be who you need for him to be? How many years do you have for this?

 

Don't be surprised if he comes back to you with "I really think I need to be on my own for a little while". Generally speaking, it's a really, really good idea for recently divorced people to not be in new relationships until they've dealt with their marriage's emotional baggage.

 

And don't be surprised that his ex isn't all that ex in his life. People this fresh out of a divorce have been known to do an about face and go back in.

 

At best, this is a rebound relationship. He was in this right after his divorce and I'll bet dollars to donuts that he hasn't processed out anything having to do with his marriage--he's too busy getting his band aid(you) set up to do that level of heavy lifting.

 

Him taking things slow is him keeping you at bay, emotionally. He's not about to let things develop in that area and that's why this is a rebound relationship. He just doesn't want to be in a big, lonely bed at night---it doesn't mean he wants a 24/7/365 life with you.

[Chilli]

Yeah it's a tough call,;l've got the same problem.

 

He hasn't worked through his divorce yet or had the free time most people need once the dust has setlled.

Some don't seem to need any of that and go diving straight into something else and yeah some are rebound but others seem to sale off no drama , l dunno.

 

The thing is though with yours like mine , he knows he's not ready for whatever the reasons.

To me that's a good thing but not sure where he'll be at later with you guys.

l'm trying to figure that out with mine too.

 

l mean if you could have real feelings for him it's worth going slow and waiting for that stuff doesn't grow on trees.

But yeah , the problem is we need to figure out if they really know what they're doing and feeling with us too.

l hear ya.

 

l can't tell with him sorry but it sounds like about a 50 50 chance though right now.

l think you could at least spend a bit more time with him and try to get more idea if he knows what he's doing first.

 

Good luck.

[kendahke]

Some don't seem to need any of that and go diving straight into something else and yeah some are rebound but others seem to sale off no drama , l dunno.

 

The thing is: they do need that. Everyone needs to take time to process out the demise of any relationship no matter how the demise was delivered--death, divorce, breaking up...

 

The most likely problem: they just don't like their own company and can't stand to be by themselves because they'd then have to sit and think and possibly cry (a.k.a. resolve their issues), so they seek out the distraction of someone new.

 

Once that newness has worn off, they find themselves right back, emotionally, where they were except now, they've got this new person whose feelings are now all wrapped up. So it becomes this colossal mess and if they'd just exercised some self discipline, stayed to themselves and worked out their baggage, they wouldn't be so fragmented when someone new pops up in their life.

[Chilli]

Yeah ,true, mines only been 13mths , but they were living in the house separated 5yrs before for the kids.

TBH , she doesn't seem ready and it's pretty scary. We're going very slow but l dunno if that will work the same way or be as good as her just being on her own to process it all.

 

l took 3yrs out after mine, l did have a little dabble along the way but nothing heavy.

Edited January 23, 2018 by Chilli

[FaithInTheDark]

Thanks for your input.

Him and I are meeting up for drinks on the weekend. I feel like it's time to bring things up.

I want him to know that I want to be exclusive because casual thing has expired for me.

What's the best approach on giving him an "ultimatum" without putting him in the hot seat but standing up for what I want.

[TheTraveler]

Thanks for your input.

Him and I are meeting up for drinks on the weekend. I feel like it's time to bring things up.

I want him to know that I want to be exclusive because casual thing has expired for me.

What's the best approach on giving him an "ultimatum" without putting him in the hot seat but standing up for what I want.

 

I’m not sure why you’re bothering to meet for drinks. He’s already told you the slow nonsense. Even if he agrees to be exclusive, he’s not going to be all present.

 

I would find someone else

[kaitlynlily6]

Thanks for your input.

Him and I are meeting up for drinks on the weekend. I feel like it's time to bring things up.

I want him to know that I want to be exclusive because casual thing has expired for me.

What's the best approach on giving him an "ultimatum" without putting him in the hot seat but standing up for what I want.

 

Just be causal in telling him but be firm in your decision. You wouldn't want to end up disappointed all the time if he doesn't give you a straight answer.

[FaithInTheDark]

Thank you.

I just feel at this stage if the conversation doesn't end in my favor then I can have a final goodbye ...we have a long history together.

[FaithInTheDark]

I just wanted to update you on what's happened.

I told him that I had feelings for him but I wasn't into the casual BS anymore.

It was either were exclusive or I have to move on.

He seemed to a agree to the exclusivity. I spent the night with him but walked away feeling unsure about where we stand.

I asked him if we were dating or not because I wanted to know where we stood.

He said.

"We are seeing each other but I don't know if I'd call it dating.

You told me you have strong feelings for me but I need to get on that same level to call us dating. Let's take it slow and get to know each other more. I want to know you more and I feel you should with me as well.

Be sure that I'm not here to fool around...I just need to get used to this first."

[greymatter]

Is it that you want him to say he is committed to you? I'm not challenging you in any way, just trying to understand. He agreed to be exclusive but I can hear how much you are doubting what he feels for you, and understand your concern. What would he need to say, and do, for you to feel solid with him, at this moment...or is that impossible right now?

[FaithInTheDark]

I guess I'm naturally feeling a bit insecure because he's saying he's not on the same level of feelings as me. I guess it felt a bit unclear if he's actually willing to be exclusive but I'm pretty sure he agreed...I had a couple drinks at that point. Lol.

But yeah. It definitely seems he's willing to go in relationship direction if it unfolds naturally

But yes I'm hoping he's willing to be committed at some point.im getting inside of my head I think

[act00]

I just wanted to update you on what's happened.

I told him that I had feelings for him but I wasn't into the casual BS anymore.

It was either were exclusive or I have to move on.

He seemed to a agree to the exclusivity. I spent the night with him but walked away feeling unsure about where we stand.

I asked him if we were dating or not because I wanted to know where we stood.

He said.

"We are seeing each other but I don't know if I'd call it dating.

You told me you have strong feelings for me but I need to get on that same level to call us dating. Let's take it slow and get to know each other more. I want to know you more and I feel you should with me as well.

Be sure that I'm not here to fool around...I just need to get used to this first."

 

What is the definition between "seeing each other" and "dating?" I'm so lost. If you're going out and seeing each other, you're dating. Or is he just around once in awhile then drops off for a couple weeks, or what? Because then I guess I can see the division. So he agreed to be exclusive, but still just "seeing each other." He's all over the map.

 

I have no easy answers because I know I'm the one that's going to hang on for a little while longer...I do this, and more for me than for him because when I walk away (or he does), I want to know I put in my best efforts. I think he's still really unsure and still too close to his attempts to reconcile with his ex-wife for this relationship to have the level of solid foundation you're craving. The logical choice is to walk away from it and let him deal with his own issues first before taking on another individual in his life; someone who wants the whole kit and kaboodle. You can coast along and see where it goes...it's so emotionally difficult to be the one who is ready for more...and you see something there, but he's so fresh from a divorce, the timing is just way off. Sorry. I just don't think it's sustainable right now.

[Gaeta]

I just wanted to update you on what's happened.

I told him that I had feelings for him but I wasn't into the casual BS anymore.

It was either were exclusive or I have to move on.

He seemed to a agree to the exclusivity. I spent the night with him but walked away feeling unsure about where we stand.

I asked him if we were dating or not because I wanted to know where we stood.

He said.

"We are seeing each other but I don't know if I'd call it dating.

You told me you have strong feelings for me but I need to get on that same level to call us dating. Let's take it slow and get to know each other more. I want to know you more and I feel you should with me as well.

Be sure that I'm not here to fool around...I just need to get used to this first."

 

 

Nothing has changed, he gave you the same old argument but with different words. He's known you since last summer that's like 6 months already, most men know by date 3 if they want to continue dating a woman or not.

 

I don't know why you are willing to offer yourself as a guinea pig like this for him to experiment on you.

 

You seem to want to ride this one even with the red flags flying left and right, good luck.

[olivetree]

I think it's very rare that a relationship works out where the woman has stronger feelings than the man.

 

Masculine men generally fall in love faster.

Since you are already ahead of him, he is not likely to catch up.

 

I think you should move on.

[Zahara]

He seemed to a agree to the exclusivity. I spent the night with him but walked away feeling unsure about where we stand.

I asked him if we were dating or not because I wanted to know where we stood.

He said.

"We are seeing each other but I don't know if I'd call it dating.

You told me you have strong feelings for me but I need to get on that same level to call us dating. Let's take it slow and get to know each other more.

 

He's managed your expectations to such a low that he's demoted you from dating to "seeing" -- I don't even know what "seeing" means. He just gave you a bunch of words to keep you holding on.

 

He's perfectly fine with having sex with you -- (what could be more intimate and personal?) but only wants to label it as "seeing you" because he needs to get to know you better? BS.

 

I think this one is going to lead you on while you get emotionally more attached. You're going to get hurt.

[FaithInTheDark]

Thanks for your input!

I'm starting to mentally prepare myself to the fact he's probably never going to be what I need him to be.

I'm open if he puts forward the effort to actually get to know me but, I'm dropping back from it all. I put myself out there. The rest is up to him.

Not waiting around that's for sure.