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New girl at work blowing hot and cold


jazzlover321

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My department gets along well but isn't very sociable...people stay quiet, do their work, eat lunch at their desk and go home. This girl who joined a few months ago drinks a lot of coffee like me so we usually chat for a few minutes every day when our coffee breaks overlap.

 

From the beginning she had an easy familiarity with me teasing me a little, using my name a lot in conversation and basically seeming to really enjoy talking to me. A few times she'd also "accidentally" touch me brushing my arm. But I also noticed she stopped coming into the kitchen at the same time as me and our conversations while still flirtatious became more sporadic.

 

The last week or so things heated up a bit. While waiting for the lift together she straightened my coat collar. Another occasion when I was waiting for the lift she sneaked up behind me and grabbed my bicep and when I startled a bit she smiled and said "Did I scare you?". And then Wednesday she started jokingly accusing me of stealing her red pen. Later that day I emailed her for the first time as i was requesting some invoices and needed to give her the references. And she replied flirtily with emoticons catching my eye and giggling. She always lunches with the girl who sits next to her and for the first time invited me to join them and continued to flirt and touch my arm and giggle.

 

But to my surprise for the rest of the week she was quite cold. I emailed reminding her to send me the invoices and she just replied "Will do". And when she handed them over to me her voice was very flat and emotionless and she barely made eye contact. And when I said goodbye at the end of the day she also barely acknowledged it. I tried to catch her eye at lunchtime as her friend was sick both days with a view to inviting her for lunch but she avoided eye contact and marched off, got herself lunch and ate it at her desk.

 

I do not know what is going on. Is she playing games? Or is she maybe just in a bad mood and therefore not feeling like flirting? Or is it possible my boss told her off as her flirting was a bit too obvious this week so she feels she is being closely watched so overcompensating?

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Happy Lemming

Don't fish off the company pier...

 

Don't dip your pen in company ink..

 

Don't get your meat where you get your bread....

 

There are plenty versions of this advice.

 

They all mean the same, if you value your job, don't date co-workers.

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When someone first starts at a job, they have to be friendly to everyone. After they’ve been there a while and have established themselves as friendly and helpful, then they can then be less friendly to the guys who get the wrong idea. Even then they can’t go too overboard with those guys and have to be somewhat friendly.

 

This woman probably recognized that you were taking her friendliness as flirting which is why she started avoiding you at the coffee machine and when you tried to make eye contact so that you could ask her to lunch. She also may be concerned about getting a reputation as the office floozy or she may not be single.

 

Wait until she’s been there a while and see if she becomes friendly again. Don’t try to “coincidentally” run into her at the coffee machine or the printer or walking out to your cars at the end of the day etc.

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Cookiesandough

She's just a hopeless flirt. She probably doesn't even realize what she's doing or that she's become "distant".

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This woman probably recognized that you were taking her friendliness as flirting which is why she started avoiding you at the coffee machine and when you tried to make eye contact so that you could ask her to lunch. She also may be concerned about getting a reputation as the office floozy or she may not be single.

 

Wait until she’s been there a while and see if she becomes friendly again. Don’t try to “coincidentally” run into her at the coffee machine or the printer or walking out to your cars at the end of the day etc.

 

Sorry but he's blameless, you make it seem like she pulled because of him reacting to her attitude, while in fact he remained professionnal while she shamelessly flirted with him.

 

However, as long as people only playfully speak words and don't touch other people's bodies, there is no harm in casual flirting without consequences, as long as the parties involved recognize it for what it is : a game between adults.

 

OP : a grand lesson is, do not date/sex at work. I could write an essay about it, but the short story is that for all the sexual bliss at the beginning, it's not worth the problems and the gossips after the inevitable breakup.

 

Why she became cold, It's anyone's guess, but she probably got told to stop by a colleague, a friend, or a superior, because it's innapropriate and can lead to being fired. Or maybe she's angered that her heavy flirting didn't produce the desired effects (ie, you plunging right into it). In any case, keep the situation as it is to avoid further problems.

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All that you're describing is office banter, co-worker friendliness.

I wouldn't describe any of that within the workplace to be romantic interest at all.

 

When people work together they are thrown together as a team so it's in people's best interests to find their feet, suss people out, find out who could be an ally, who you can share jokes with or trust with any issues.

At the same time there's work going on at work so you're not going to interact with all of the same people every single day.

 

She has obviously caught your eye but I think you're reading into this more than there actually is.

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OP I am going to assume you don't have much relationship experience? Sorry if Im wrong just how it comes across.

 

She is not 'blowing hot and cold'. She's just being friendly to you. Which is a good sign in itself. If you want anything to happen with her though, you need to make some sort of move.

 

Have you at least already found out if she is single? If she is then simply ask her out for drinks next Friday after work, or if she wants to go out for dinner on the weekend. You will then have your answer if she is interested or not.

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Sorry but he's blameless, you make it seem like she pulled because of him reacting to her attitude, while in fact he remained professionnal while she shamelessly flirted with him.

 

However, as long as people only playfully speak words and don't touch other people's bodies, there is no harm in casual flirting without consequences, as long as the parties involved recognize it for what it is : a game between adults.

 

 

You don’t know that he acted professionally and you don’t know that she shamelessly flirted. We’re hearing the story distorted through the OP’s biased eyes. He thinks that her using his name a lot is flirting…I mean come on.

 

He mistook her friendliness for flirtation, like a lot of guys do, and when she noticed, she backed off. Happens every day.

 

If he really believes there’s something there, he should ask her to drinks like another poster mentioned.

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Usually I do online dating where it is pretty easy to know where you stand. However I know for a fact that she is single as it came up in conversation over the work drinks I mentioned. And even if she isn't interested in me I think she likes me and would let me down gently and not make things awkward.

 

She is the one who always initiates the flirting or teasing. Often it isn't so much what she says but the tone of voice and her body language. While it is probably obvious I enjoy the attention besides occasionally gently teasing her back I do not flirt back. And she does all the touching I've never laid a finger on her. And as she only touches me in situations where there is no one else around I think she knows it is not entirely innocent.

 

Appreciate it is generally a bad idea to get involved with anyone at work. However our work has virtually zero overlap. And I will probably be leaving within the next six months. And I am friends with my female boss and I know she'd support me if the girl tried to cause trouble.

 

I think it is possible she's been noticed and obviously flirting during work hours is unprofessional. So I need to put a stop to that.

 

I think Flame Aura is right. The only way to know if she is actually interested in me or just flirting for fun or being friendly is to ask her out. If she says yes then we can keep things outside office hours and establish more professional interactions at work. And if she says no then unless she is a sadist she'll be more professional in her interactions with me at work.

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It might have nothing to do with you at all, OP. Maybe she's having a hard time in her personal life. Maybe she's been feeling under the weather or stressed.

 

The point is that you don't know enough about her to really draw any conclusions, positive or negative. I would keep things professional and also echo the chorus on this thread that dating a coworker is risky. You think it's awkward now - imagine if you two started dating, broke up, and still had to see each other at work.

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  • 1 month later...
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A month on from my original post and the dynamic between us now seems very different.

 

I'm a member of a gym close to our work and a few weeks ago she said she wanted to try it out and I mentioned I could bring guests for free on Friday. She said she'd like that and could I do before work. I said yeah and unprompted she wrote down her number for me. The workout didn't go so well. She hadn't quite recovered from her cold and slept badly and was clearly not in the mood and bailed after half an hour. I was a bit disappointed and annoyed and she picked up on this and things cooled between us for a week and we didn't talk much. Our boss commented we were both being very quiet. We exchanged a look and things thawed and we tentatively started teasing each other again and being friendly.

 

She mentioned last Friday she was thinking of doing some accountancy exams and could she borrow my notes. I said they were at my mother's but i was visiting her this weekend as she was making a cake for the office as it was my turn to bring in a cake and asked her to text me on Sunday to remind me to look for the notes.

 

She texted me last Sunday. I thanked her for the reminder and said I'd bring them in on Monday. She asked about the cake and wanted to see pictures and we ended up texting well into the evening.

 

Since Monday she has been behaving like a giddy schoolgirl giggling every time she teases me or when I tease her. Whenever our eyes meet she has the biggest smile. She is being a bit too obvious and seems distracted from her work.

 

Warnings about office romance aside, this definitely feels like flirting to me. Is she likely to be receptive to being asked out for a drink? I'd like to see how we get along outside of work and hopefully agree to be more subtle at work and be more professional.

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Cookiesandough

Maybe she is, maybe she’s not interested in anything more. Why don’t you just ask her, get it over with, then move on. Srsly dude it’s been a long time

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