AB098 Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 I (just turned 30, female) was at a social event last week and my brother (25) brought along a guy he'd just met (38). Me and the new guy got talking and he was quite touchy feely and flirty (not well, if I'm honest for someone of 38, lots of teasing and grabbing me, jokey name calling and banter). He was nice, very good looking. At one point I said I was off to bed (we were at my parents' house) and he asked me to stay up, only to continue talking with my brother. (weird /!?!) I added him on Facebook and I've heard nothing from him since. He was pretty drunk and quite loud and lair-y with my brother. I don't know if it was just "beer goggles" on his part or if he was interested. SO, There are a few caveats I need help with. I'm in a weird place right now, I'm grieving, my father passed away before Christmas and I have spent the past decade of my life being a full time carer to him. I haven't dated since I was 20 because I simply didn't have the time or emotional energy. I am in the process of trying to rebuild a social life and its literally the first time I've met a guy who I found attractive who was seemingly (in passing) interested in me. Can you offer any advice? How can I strike up conversation with an attractive man who I met once who may or may not like me? I don't want to come off as creepy or inappropriate. I'm out of experience and my self esteem isn't as good as it could be but I know I have to get out and begin to live a life. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 I'm sorry about the loss of your dad. You will need some time to process your grief. After a 10 year hiatus, jumping straight into dating probably isn't the best course. Your brother's buddy flirted with you because you were there. I don't get the sense there were lots of other women to chose from. So don't get your hopes up that he was interested enough to make the effort now that the party / gathering is over. Instead of jumping into dating, perhaps spend the next 2-3 months rebuilding your friends' circle. Reconnect with old friends & make an effort to make new friends. Once you widen your circle again, then you can branch out to dating. For now be an observer of human interactions. When you do venture out, smile. Be open. Talk to everyone but don't flirt with men you are not interested in. You don't want to give somebody the wrong idea. Flirting is nothing more then talking with maybe a little extra sparkle. You make eye contact. You listen. You lean in. You make casual contact. You laugh at jokes even the bad ones. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 I get that it's kind of culture shock when you've been retired from dating for whatever reason for some years and then go back out there. Of course, a lot is done online now, but everyone complains about that and gets rejected a lot, so it's probably not the best thing for getting your feet wet. Your brother's friend may have been drunk and flirty, he might have a girlfriend or something like that, or even your brother might have discouraged him or he might have decided dating a friend's sister might get sticky, which is true. But yes, it is totally fine to flirt with guys and just be friendly and see how they respond. Really, just going and doing activities outside the house, taking up hobbies, going to games if you're into sports, or concerts if you're into music, are all ways to end up meeting someone who you have something in common with. I'm a 65 year old lady and fat, but I strike up friendly banter with people often and usually get a positive response, though I'm not trying to bag anyone (which is probably a great relief to some of the ones I talk to). It's hard to get something off the ground in one-time meetings, so I suggest you take part in your community, for examples, do crime watch or volunteer for the police or church or any charity where you will meet and see people repeat times. Remember every new friend has a social circle you might meet. Just be active. And I'm sorry about your dad. You were good to take that time off to help him. Now is your time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 I"m really sorry for the loss of your dad . You must be a really great person to dedicate ten years in the prime of your life to care for him. As far as dating, I guess my only piece of advice at this point would be to not put all of your eggs in one basket and just have fun with it. Maybe do some online dating and look at first dates like practice, and just getting to know someone new. No pressure. Regarding your brother's friend, I agree with what others have said You can try with just engaging with him on Facebook through comments and likes, but I wouldn't pursue that one too aggressively. Good luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 You might start by asking him a question about something interesting he said that night? Or just ask him out. A woman messaged me this once after meeting me at a socialater function. Hey, it was fun meeting you the other night. Would love to hear more about the poetry you wrote. Would you like to meet for a drink sometime? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 You might start by asking him a question about something interesting he said that night? Or just ask him out. A woman messaged me this once after meeting me at a socialater function. Hey, it was fun meeting you the other night. Would love to hear more about the poetry you wrote. Would you like to meet for a drink sometime? Did she say yes? Also, what is a socialater function? Is it like Meetup? Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 Did she say yes? Also, what is a socialater function? Is it like Meetup? It was autocorrect typo for social function and it was her asking me out. I had to say no to the date because I was taken but I was nice in my response. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AB098 Posted January 20, 2018 Author Share Posted January 20, 2018 Thank you everyone, that's all really solid, considered advice. You're all right; I just needed to get some perspective. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 So sorry about your dad! Yes now is time for you. So my advice echoes what the others have said. First, don't get hung up on this guy. Even if you are handling it well at the moment, you are probably in a more vulnerable state (or will be) than normal. Also combined with 10 years or so not really dating. So my advice would also be to build up YOU. Re-engage in hobbies, friends and socializing so your confidence and things you would talk about and do becomes more full. I'm always a huge fan of exercise because it connects the mind and body something that gets ignored often when people go through emotional trauma. It can be a quick way to build self-esteem, reconnect with yourself and ALSO meet people without high stakes (like jumping right into the dating pool). If you had this "thing" around you (friends, hobbies, activities, more connected to your self-esteem) you will be able to put your best foot forward with a guy and then let the chips fall where they may rather than fixate on it. That will usually lead you to the best guy for you and help you to have the thicker skin it takes to date without feeling trampled on. You got this. Actively decide to participate in your life and then in maybe 4-6 months try dating. Oh and you should be flirting and making friends with guys all along (i.e. now) so that that you can exercise that muscle and who knows one of those may turn into the guy you date. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted January 21, 2018 Share Posted January 21, 2018 Learning to flirt is harder the longer you wait. I was pretty ripe when I decided to start dating so it's been a real challenge for me. What I use are 1. Eye contact 2. Looking at lips then back up to eyes in triangular motion 3. Touching shoulder, forearm, or bicep when talking or laughing 4. Laughing at their jokes 5. Subtle lip wetting (BE CAREFUL WITH THIS ONE) Link to post Share on other sites
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