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Did I lose him or is it really a "loss"


Jennakay08

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Okay so I met a guy on a dating site about the end of November, we hit it off great, we have a great time and we act like goof balls together. Well in the begining he was super into it, would text me things like "I like you so much" when he would leave, then the next week I would get one word answers, it seems I was riding some rollercoaster and never really knowing where he stood. So naturally I would pull back and let the cycle of pull back and forth go. There have been some "red flags" from the get go and I am wondering if they are actually red flags and I am smitten or if he is just so indecisive.

 

One of the flags would be him telling me "I am going to delete my dating profiles, I want to only focus on you", cool I delete mine (not because I felt pressured) I just felt like if we are on the same page there then sure why not, I will focus on him only too. He is still on the sites but says its because he doesnt know how to delete them and has not been on since we started talking. Cool I drop it because after all we arent an "item". Which brings me to my next "flag", this one I am kind of on the same page with but I can also see why it could be a flag, well he has made it very clear that we are taking things slow, which I dont see as a bad thing but I get kind of confused being in the middle, acting like a couple without the commitment of it and in comes my insecurity that he is just waiting for something better to come along.

 

Okay and the possible biggest flag of them all is how he acts with his phone, now I am not a crazy person I dont care if he has girls that are friends whether we were a couple or not, but he will always tilt his phone or check it when I am not around and just act strange. This happened a lot at first then after a while when we hung out his phone did not really go off so I assumed maybe he was talking to other women but had stopped?

 

Well last weekend I stayed over at his place and we were going to order Chinese food, I asked him to look at the menu on his phone, and he says "you are really pushing this phone thing huh", he says that because previously I wanted to change a song on his phone and he thinks for some reason (I think I kind of know the reason and I will get into that in a sec) I want to check his phone when in reality what I was wanting was completely innocent.

 

To give a little backround and maybe to his benefit, he has shared some crazy stories of women he has dated, one time a girl he just started dating stayed over at his house and while he was in the shower changed his status on fb to say in a relationship, another girl requested to tag him in a relationship after 2 weeks of dating. I have never given him a reason to think I want to do these things, I have been on the same page with him as far as where the relationship is at. Could this be why he is so weird about his phone?

 

Well last night did not go over well, I went to his house and he was doing weird things with his phone again, for example he was lying in bed texting and the moment I layed down with him he put the phone face down on his chest, mid texting. I shrugged it off, well I was going to plug my phone in and his phone lit up with what I thought was a text from his ex. Here is where I went wrong, I immediately told him that I was going to go and was refusing to give him a reason I was really in my emotions at the time and didnt know how to handle them, like I knew I couldnt get mad he is not my bf but I also knew that he was the only one I was talking to and starting to really fall for so the mixture of that was overwhelming, he was really confused so I sat there pondering, do I tell him that I saw the text or do I just leave, it was not fair to him to leave him hanging so I asked about it. Well I looked like a tool because it was not his ex rather a different girl he went to hs with I guess. Okay well if it is just a friend why all the shadyness with the phone, is he still carrying that damn baggage from previous relationships?

 

So he says "wow this all seems so familiar" as if I am crazy which kind of upsets me, and I ended up staying still. He reassured me that when he is not with me he is working or with the kids. He goes to work earlier and I text him basically that I understand if he wants to move on and basically that I messed up, to which he responded "good morning to you too" and then "can we please not dwell on ****", okay cool the day goes on then I get a text from him that says "do you feel weird about last night", I said "do you", he goes on to say that it all just seemed so familiar and that he could never have friends because of his ex and because she had a guilty conscience, I go on to say I dont see anything wrong with friends and that I have guy friends myself and that I misunderstood. He then says "why do I have to hide things from you or anyone", I was really confused about that, I said I am sorry you feel like you have to hide stuff from me but that is not okay right? He then says he "needs to think" and that he feels like I'm insecure because he opened up about his past relationships. I dont know what the hell "I need to think" means, I somehow feel like I messed everything up.

 

Did I blow it? I am afraid to bring up the topic of him acting weird with his phone which in essence what caused me to panic with the text, because he will think even more that I am some crazy woman wanting to see everything he does on his phone. I dont get the feeling he dating other women he is usually just with me or texting me or working, but what is all this?

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he is flirting or setting up other dates on his phone. You know it, he knows it, anyone who reads this knows it.

 

Also do you really want to be with someone too dumb to figure out how to delete his dating profile?

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I would go with flirting, so should I just give space? I just dont know how to act now, we basically acted like a couple without the title we spent all our free time together and texted when we werent together, does the I need to think crap just his way out? lol about the deleting profiles, with some they actually do make it complicated but still I figured it out.

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jennakay08,

Did you just fall off a Christmas tree?

 

This guy has it made.

 

He's sleeping with you while keeping his options open for other girls.

 

And he "doesn't know how to delete his profile" - yeah right...

 

Either accept the situation or dump him and get someone who's really into you, who wants to be exclusive.

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I find it impossibly rude for a person to be texting a member of the opposite sex from bed while their current lover lays next to them. You should have walked out. This guy's a tool.

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I find it impossibly rude for a person to be texting a member of the opposite sex from bed while their current lover lays next to them. You should have walked out. This guy's a tool.

 

I totally agree with you, like cool if youre texting other women fine, but why on our time? IDK, things have seemed to have ended today. Then he snapchats me later tonight "im thinking of you :(", I still dont know how to act with him now. I cared a lot but this has me being pushed away, he has so much baggage with these previous relationships. I am just super bummed about it.

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I don’t say this often, but personally, I think this guy’s an a$$.

 

I think his comments show it as does his attitude.

 

I mean but he is not, we got along great other than this damn phone thing. Maybe I see him in a different light because I am smitten or whatever maybe he is an ass and I just don't see it, but he seems to be a great guy otherwise.

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jennakay08,

Did you just fall off a Christmas tree?

 

This guy has it made.

 

He's sleeping with you while keeping his options open for other girls.

 

And he "doesn't know how to delete his profile" - yeah right...

 

Either accept the situation or dump him and get someone who's really into you, who wants to be exclusive.

 

lol I must have fallen off a Christmas tree, that made me laugh, I don't know what to think, he has assured me he has not spoken to anyone other than me romantically multiple times, when he has no reason to lie, I was not pressuring him to commit to me only. I even stated that we could still date around and he was never wanting that, he always said you can do what you would like but that is not what I want to do. I just don't know if this paranoia is from his past relationships and them getting angry and searching his phone constantly or if it is just being shady. Either way its baggage and frustrating, as everything but this stupid phone issue was great.

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"Doesn't know how to delete profile"

 

"Just texting friends"

 

"Any questioning of my behaviour reminds me of my crazy jealous ex"

 

Tell me honestly, if one of your girlfriends was reporting this sort of pattern with with a guy, what would you say to her?

 

You'd be a good friend and tell her he was full of it, right?

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Scarlett.O'hara

Trust your instincts if something doesn't feel right. The reason why he said "wow this all seems so familiar" is because this is a pattern in his relationships.

 

You'll might find a lot of these so called "crazy exes" of his were insecure about his other female "friendships" for good reason.

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lol I must have fallen off a Christmas tree, that made me laugh, I don't know what to think, he has assured me he has not spoken to anyone other than me romantically multiple times, when he has no reason to lie, I was not pressuring him to commit to me only. I even stated that we could still date around and he was never wanting that, he always said you can do what you would like but that is not what I want to do. I just don't know if this paranoia is from his past relationships and them getting angry and searching his phone constantly or if it is just being shady. Either way its baggage and frustrating, as everything but this stupid phone issue was great.

 

 

Some people don't need a reason to lie. They just do.

 

He's playing you like a puppet and you're bending over backwards trying to be understanding and patient and trusting.

 

Meanwhile, what is he doing for you to reassure you? He's giving you words. Only words. Empty words. His actions are telling you something completely different.

 

Do you think he cares at all about how YOU are feeling and what YOUR triggers are (as far as ex boyfriends go)?

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"Doesn't know how to delete profile"

 

"Just texting friends"

 

"Any questioning of my behaviour reminds me of my crazy jealous ex"

 

Tell me honestly, if one of your girlfriends was reporting this sort of pattern with with a guy, what would you say to her?

 

You'd be a good friend and tell her he was full of it, right?

 

Yea youre probably right I would, I guess I just wanted to believe we had something different, it sucks I woke up thinking about him today so badly wanting to text him. Just a few days before the incident, he was saying how he could see me and my daughter at his home and that he would take that responsibility seriously. Why say all those things if you're playing someone? I guess he just doesn't know what he wants. I do deserve better and appreciate this site to help me kind of see that.

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Some people don't need a reason to lie. They just do.

 

He's playing you like a puppet and you're bending over backwards trying to be understanding and patient and trusting.

 

Meanwhile, what is he doing for you to reassure you? He's giving you words. Only words. Empty words. His actions are telling you something completely different.

 

Do you think he cares at all about how YOU are feeling and what YOUR triggers are (as far as ex boyfriends go)?

 

You are exactly right it is just words, I have shrugged the weird texting thing off because I didnt feel like I had the right to really say anything and I am still struggling if I made the right choice in saying something, but if I am that easily disposable after all the sweet nothings you said then what is the point of caring, I just wish it was that easy to stop caring. To answer your question we have had many conversations about what triggers us both he seems respectful of them however I am much more emotionally available it seems than him, I have brought him into my life with a clean slate, he has not done the same for me. It also helps (not sure if that is the right word), that I am very trusting almost to naivety. It sucks and I get hurt easily because of this character defect if that is what you want to call it. I let what little guard I even have down for him and I wish I hadnt

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So if you read my previous post about a guy I was dating, well to make a long story short he was acting weird on his phone, I felt insecure and asked if his ex was texting him, which in essesence made him run for the hills. Basically after this post I need to know what to do, not text him ever again, does it sound like he is done or should I hold out hope? Does he not want to hurt my feelings?

 

Well last night I got a snapchat from him that said "I am thinking of you", I sent him "Yea? About what?" in which he didnt respond, I then a text that I appreciate all that he had helped me with with certain things and that I gained a friend out of him and kind of told him why I had a breakdown earlier in the day (not having anything to do with him), in which he helped as per usual and the conversation ended with me saying "Although I was not telling you about my day for help I appreciate your help with everything, thanks (his name)". He didnt respond.

 

Well today I could not stop thinking about him its almost consuming me, so against my better judgement I texted him I said "well Fack" he said "whats up?" I said "I just cant stop thinking about you (his name)", he didnt respond so I said "you dont feel the same right?", he responded with "(my name) Ive been thinking about you yes. I cant help but reread your messages tho. Its not sounding right to me. Im trying to enjoy the weekend with my kiddos. I dont want to do this." Right then I should've just let it go but I couldn't and now regret it.

 

I said "can you tell me what wasnt right" he responded "the red flags." I said "are they worth moving past to you? I just know that you and me are more than all this, it seems so petty to me and not worth losing what we have. Ive weighed everything and I dont want to give up, I wish you would believe me when I say I am who I am. He said " I do believe you (my name) but alot played out the other night (refer to previous post). I responded "So was it a deal breaker? Its worth ending it? I cant believe I am saying this but can you please not give up? I didnt lie when I said all the things I said about the feelings I have and I cant just let them go because of of some stupid stuff. But if i have to then so be it" trying to get him to just tell me it wasnt going to work so I can move on. He responded with "My name we both need to think. Lets just relax. Its why we were never labeled. I want to spend the weekend with the kids."

 

Again I probably shouldve left it at that, but again was super confused about the labeling part. So i responded "Whether there was a label or not that doesnt change my feelings for you. It doesnt change that I still want to see you and hear from you and it hurts not to. But I guess it must have for you? Is no label supposed to mean I shouldnt care? Im not sure what that even means. I suppose I was more invested than I should've been in that case. I dont need to think, you know where I stand Ive done exactly what you said I would and have chased you." We joked about it one day previously and I responded back then that I would never chase.

 

He responded "my name please give it time. Im not asking you to chase me. I was joking when I said that. Yes my feelings are hurt but as usual I was reserved and unfortunately not surprised this has happened. Im upset too but I feel so scared and callused from my past. I hate dating I hate feelings I hate feeling vulnerable (my name). Perhaps its you that deserves better. Im just an insensitive prick".

 

I responded " I know you're not asking I'm saying you were right when I really didnt think I would chase you, and I;m pathtic for it. Im talking your text as I was more invested and you are fine with this ending, feelings a little hurt but fine? So did you really mean everything you have ever said? If so it wouldnt be this easy for you. Or I misunderstood everything. I need to just believe what youre saying and move past it I suppose bc feeling like we had something cant just be one sided. Feeling like this one hurdle isnt worth ending over is one sided. Nothing is perfect we both have things to work on but I'm willing to work on it with you and grow to become better people. Nothing you have done is a deal break to me."

 

His final response was "My name stop assuming everything. Please leave it alone for now. Please!" I said "Okay his name have a goodnight" with no response.

 

So should I not ever text him again, does he sound over it? How can he be so quick to be over it over the stupid phone issue when he was talking about what he envisions for us last tuesday. Where did I misjudge did the other night change his feelings that quickly? Should I move on or hold out hope? It is really hard telling with him I almost want him to just be like "its not working move on" instead I feel stuck here reading between the lines.

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Cookiesandough
]

 

I said "can you tell me what wasnt right" he responded "the red flags." I said "are they worth moving past to you? I just know that you and me are more than all this, it seems so petty to me and not worth losing what we have. Ive weighed everything and I dont want to give up, I wish you would believe me when I say I am who I am. He said " I do believe you (my name) but alot played out the other night (refer to previous post). I responded "So was it a deal breaker? Its worth ending it? I cant believe I am saying this but can you please not give up? I didnt lie when I said all the things I said about the feelings I have and I cant just let them go because of of some stupid stuff. But if i have to then so be it" trying to get him to just tell me it wasnt going to work so I can move on. He responded with "My name we both need to think. Lets just relax. Its why we were never labeled. I want to spend the weekend with the kids."

[...]

I know you're not asking I'm saying you were right when I really didnt think I would chase you, and I;m pathtic for it. Im talking your text as I was more invested and you are fine with this ending, feelings a little hurt but fine? So did you really mean everything you have ever said? If so it wouldnt be this easy for you. Or I misunderstood everything. I need to just believe what youre saying and move past it I suppose bc feeling like we had something cant just be one sided. Feeling like this one hurdle isnt worth ending over is one sided. Nothing is perfect we both have things to work on but I'm willing to work on it with you and grow to become better people. Nothing you have done is a deal break to me."

 

His final response was "My name stop assuming everything. Please leave it alone for now. Please!" I said "Okay his name have a goodnight" with no response.

 

So should I not ever text him again, does he sound over it? How can he be so quick to be over it over the stupid phone issue when he was talking about what he envisions for us last tuesday. Where did I misjudge did the other night change his feelings that quickly? Should I move on or hold out hope? It is really hard telling with him I almost want him to just be like "its not working move on" instead I feel stuck here reading between the lines.

 

agh :(

 

I wish people would realize more talking when people are pulling away doesn't = better. It's actually the polar opposite. When someone is pulling away one must chill and pull away too. You keep frame and dignity by reminding yourself if someone walks/runs away from you its their loss so you let them go and think about that (or not, doesn't matter to you). Instead, when you chase running person, they run faster.

 

Why was he running? Because he's not all in it. He's talking to other girls and hiding his phone around you because he's not all in it. He's been keeping his options open because he's not all it. He doesn't want to "put a label on it" because he's not all it.

 

I think you need to drop him and find someone all in it. Someone who doesn't make you feel red flags. Someone you can trust. Someone who doesn't blame you when you question their shady behavior. Someone who is all in.

 

Do not. I repeat - ~~~~~~~~~~DO NOT!!!!!!!~~~~~~~ message him again !!!!! Delete his number if you can't resist, but whatever you do, do not message him or he will get even more annoyed/freaked out.

 

Will this guy get back to you? Strong likelihood. He'll get back to you when he's lonely and the other option(s) fell through. Do you really want that though

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My advice is no, do not text him again until he texts you. He told you he wanted to focus on his children this weekend so give him the space to do that. Demanding answers right now when he's asking for time will only push him away. No, you don't have to give up hope, but you DO need to give up the desperation to have all the answers right now.

 

Put your focus on doing something you enjoy apart from him and you will probably find you will feel less insecure and be less needy for his affirmation.

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agh :(

 

I wish people would realize more talking when people are pulling away doesn't = better. It's actually the polar opposite. When someone is pulling away one must chill and pull away too. You keep frame and dignity by reminding yourself if someone walks/runs away from you its their loss so you let them go and think about that (or not, doesn't matter to you). Instead, when you chase running person, they run faster.

 

Why was he running? Because he's not all in it. He's talking to other girls and hiding his phone around you because he's not all in it. He's been keeping his options open because he's not all it. He doesn't want to "put a label on it" because he's not all it.

 

I think you need to drop him and find someone all in it. Someone who doesn't make you feel red flags. Someone you can trust. Someone who doesn't blame you when you question their shady behavior. Someone who is all in.

 

Do not. I repeat - ~~~~~~~~~~DO NOT!!!!!!!~~~~~~~ message him again !!!!! Delete his number if you can't resist, but whatever you do, do not message him or he will get even more annoyed/freaked out.

 

Will this guy get back to you? Strong likelihood. He'll get back to you when he's lonely and the other option(s) fell through. Do you really want that though

 

And I knew that and still freaking chased him. I just don't understand all the things he said if he was never in it? Like why? Why lead me on? Why say **** out of nowhere without me even saying anything of the sort, like asking if he could tell me something without freaking me out, and would say " I often think about you and your daughter stay here and take you two in an make a home....bla bla" I guess gauge where i stood with my response? Its all an enigma, I wont text again, should I delete him off fb and snap?

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Way too much drama for a new relationship. You should be enjoying time spent together, getting to know each other.

 

I don't know if someone's right, and someone's wrong here, and what started it, but those texts are cringeworthy, and reeking of desperation.

 

Let the guy have his time with his kids. It sounds like you need to be on your own for a while.

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Way too much drama for a new relationship. You should be enjoying time spent together, getting to know each other.

 

I don't know if someone's right, and someone's wrong here, and what started it, but those texts are cringeworthy, and reeking of desperation.

 

Let the guy have his time with his kids. It sounds like you need to be on your own for a while.

 

They are I know I am regretting it now, I usually dont become so vulnerable so quickly, I am ashamed of it really, I just thought me and him were on the same page, thank you for that brutal honesty. I agree the drama is overwhelming.

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You can't make somebody want to be with you by using emotion, logic - anything. They're either into you or they're not. I had to go back and read your thread and this guy is playing you. Unless you want to be a doormat, there are much better men out there.

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I feel really bad for you and the mental angst and anxiety you are evidently feeling. All the lengthy attempts you’ve made to reel him back in remind me of my former self. She was someone who attached her worth to what her shady/manipulative bf did or didn’t do. Man those were sad years!

 

You know this guy is a dodgey a**. He gaslighted you so effectively that you believe you are the one with issues for rightfully questioning him. This relationship (if you can call it that) was for the bin as soon as you lost trust- if it was ever there to begin with! This guy is bad news.

 

Why are you going back in for more? I used to keep putting my head back in a toilet too and then complain about the smell. Why have you giving him all this power? These days, when somebody distances themselves from me, I do nothing but start moving on. And yes, I’m in a similar boat now, the guy I dated for 3 months hasn’t replied to ONE message of mine, only one, and I have done NOTHING further... and WILL NOT.

 

All of this stuff is messing so badly with your internal peace. Don’t even shed a tear of this waste of space: it’s like taking a huge dump and then crying because it’s gone!

 

Make yourself room for much better things my dear.

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