Teddy9517 Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 Hi everyone, I have a bit of a dilemma and I'm hoping to see what you guys think. So I'm married, but I have been separated for almost 5 years! There is no contact except through lawyers, no chance of reconciliation, no kids. I was trying to wait to date until the divorce was finalized but it is taking forever. I filed for divorce several years ago and we have been fighting about dividing assets. We finally decided to just go to court over it and let a judge decide for us. I don't have a court date yet but it should be final this year. I hate to have to disclose that I'm married because there really is no marriage anymore, but I don't want to start a relationship by being dishonest. Would you guys disclose this fact immediately? Do you think it will scare people off? Would you just avoid bringing it up since hopefully it will be a non-issue soon? Link to post Share on other sites
Frostedflake Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 Yes, I would disclose it immediately with all the information about 'no interest in getting back together, separated for years, wrapping it up this year, etc'. Because if someone finds out later they'll start wondering what else you decided to keep from them. People that aren't worth your time will use it as an excuse. And the ones that are will move past it with you. You're not losing any opportunities here for disclosing your divorce. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Teddy9517 Posted January 19, 2018 Author Share Posted January 19, 2018 Thanks, that makes perfect sense. If I'm on a dating site, should I disclose my status in my profile or is it okay to mention it during a first date? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 Thanks, that makes perfect sense. If I'm on a dating site, should I disclose my status in my profile or is it okay to mention it during a first date? I'm a divorced/single woman, and my opinion is that something like this is fine to tell someone on the first date unless they ask beforehand (if you're talking back and forth for a while). It's kindof a unique situation....not your typical "separated" man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 Welcome to LS.... Went through this back when exW and I divorced, though it only took a couple years, not five. I listed myself as separated in my profile and filled in anyone with whom I had correspondence if/when they asked. How long have you and your estranged spouse been living in separate domiciles? IME, this is an important factor with women you might wish to date. Longer means more substantial moving on, especially if you own where you live. No kids are a plus. Women can be concerned about that and the whole co-parenting thing if not divorced. Some will be turned off that you're not divorced. That's OK. Bad fit. Plenty of others out there. Good luck and hope the D gets done soon! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 I don't think you should list your status as married. You are more divorced than married, for dating purposes. So list as divorced, but explain like you did above, either in your profile or during initial contacts. Don't wait until asked. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Teddy9517 Posted January 19, 2018 Author Share Posted January 19, 2018 We've been living apart and have not seen each other in person or spoken on the phone in 5 years. The most correspondence we've had is brief email exchanges a few years back to discuss minor issues that we thought we could resolve without lawyers (although we were wrong). Wish I would've just gone to court straight away instead of wasting all this time negotiating. Damn lawyers! Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 I don't think you should list your status as married. You are more divorced than married, for dating purposes. So list as divorced, but explain like you did above, either in your profile or during initial contacts. Don't wait until asked. I agree with listing yourself as divorced. Most reasonable women will understand once you explain it to them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 If you don't have a court date set it's only because neither of you want to have a court date set. So basically, more dragging it out. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Teddy9517 Posted January 19, 2018 Author Share Posted January 19, 2018 If you don't have a court date set it's only because neither of you want to have a court date set. So basically, more dragging it out. That's really not the case. I've had a couple of lawyers advise against going to court without first agreeing on the division of assets. They told me that I was risking unfavorable results by leaving it up to a judge, and it would cost a lot more in legal fees to go to court rather than just settling amongst ourselves. I have finally given up and my lawyer is now working on getting a court date for me. I appreciate your honest response though since I am trying to gauge how others will perceive my situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 That's really not the case. I've had a couple of lawyers advise against going to court without first agreeing on the division of assets. They told me that I was risking unfavorable results by leaving it up to a judge, and it would cost a lot more in legal fees to go to court rather than just settling amongst ourselves. I have finally given up and my lawyer is now working on getting a court date for me. I appreciate your honest response though since I am trying to gauge how others will perceive my situation. I think the perception of your situation will be how understanding someone is of other people's finances. My ex and I didn't have much by way of assets to divide so there wasn't any arguing over it. Other people are in different financial situations, so it becomes more contemptuous. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 We had lots of assets to divide and it was a contentious divorce but we still settled in 9 months because we both wanted it to be over. 5 years (plus) is ridiculous. You have unfinished business. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 Thanks, that makes perfect sense. If I'm on a dating site, should I disclose my status in my profile or is it okay to mention it during a first date? Yes disclose on your profile. Say you're separated. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
rightondude Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 5 years geez y'all must have some hellacious assets to divide... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 Teddy9517, I think you should close one chapter in your life before you open another. My experience of being divorced and dating was that men who listed themselves as "separated" were always bad news = unfinished business/relunctance to finally cut the cord...... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 No divorce after 5 years is going to be a red flag mainly because it is going to court only now.That means another year or so. You don't get a court date by your choice. The closer the date comes, higher the chances of reaching a reasonable settlement. Any prospective date would think twice though. And with reason. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 Just tell it like it is , as you've done here , when and if the need arises. Considering people will date and sleep around with a married family person and often run off with them , yaknow , your about a million miles ahead of that soooo, play it by ear. Right women , who knows. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 I get that you want to be honest, but don’t offer up the information unless you want to be passed by by women who have set rules or bad experiences with other men and who will group you in the same boat. No woman has listed she was hung up on an ex, immature, or broke in a profile yet I have met many who ended up being one or a combination of the three. You are selling a product in a saturated market. Companies who sell cookies never mention they can make you fat. It’s bad business. Unless you are in the top 90% of looks, or like really unattractive women, you’ll want to hold off on anything that will get you filtered out. Get a girl to like you and then talk about your personal situation in detail if you must. It’s an easier sell. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 Is this is click box on the site? If you can't leave it blank pick divorced but then in the body of your profile state that you are separated in the process of getting divorced. Yes, there will be women who won't date you until the ink is dry on the legal decree of divorce but there will be plenty who don't care so just date them. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 (edited) Please disclose is before you even meet. Otherwise everyone’s time is wasted. I think it’s weird that you have zero communication with ex w yet are both dragging out the divorce. When people want things done, they get them done. If I ever do OLD again, I would make a note in my profile “Please no separated men. No exceptions”. Edited January 19, 2018 by Eternal Sunshine 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lamartine Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 I would disclose it immediately. I think most women would feel deceived if you didn't. For the record, I would still date a man who told me your story. In fact, I did date one for three years in my younger days! He had filed for divorce several years before I met him, and they lived in different cities. They couldn't finalize because of conflict over custody of their son and division of real estate. They did finalize about a year or two into our relationship. They only communicated through lawyers. In my mind, their marriage was no longer a marriage at all. Just be honest. People understand that divorces are difficult. Some women might not want to get involved with you, but others will. I want to add that I normally don't date people who are not officially divorced, but in certain cases, like yours, the marriage is so dead that no reconciliation is possible. Also, as an attorney, I dealt with the occasional divorce. If you can--even if you have to give on certain issues--try to get this resolved. It will make your life infinitely easier. If this has been going on so long, you might want to look into switching attorneys. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lamartine Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 I get that you want to be honest, but don’t offer up the information unless you want to be passed by by women who have set rules or bad experiences with other men and who will group you in the same boat. No woman has listed she was hung up on an ex, immature, or broke in a profile yet I have met many who ended up being one or a combination of the three. You are selling a product in a saturated market. Companies who sell cookies never mention they can make you fat. It’s bad business. Unless you are in the top 90% of looks, or like really unattractive women, you’ll want to hold off on anything that will get you filtered out. Get a girl to like you and then talk about your personal situation in detail if you must. It’s an easier sell. I completely disagree. This is tantamount to lying. If these women don't want to date separated men, then you should absolutely not trick them into doing something that doesn't fit with their values. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lamartine Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 Have you tried mediation? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 (edited) Just tell it like it is , as you've done here , when and if the need arises. Considering people will date and sleep around with a married family person and often run off with them , yaknow , your about a million miles ahead of that soooo, play it by ear. Right women , who knows. Chili makes a good point. You are only hearing from women in this thread who wouldn’t mess around with a married man. There are tons of women who would as evidenced by the “other man/woman” forum. So if you’re honest don’t worry, someone will still not have a problem with it. Edited January 20, 2018 by Popsicle Link to post Share on other sites
Sara1989 Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 Well I am in a similar situation, married but separated for 3 years now...I don't usually tell the guys I am dating that I am married. I don't really consider myself married and I am quite ashamed off it I think if I got serious with a guy I would tell him but yeah I am properly not best person take advice from on this matter. Link to post Share on other sites
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