Jklen Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 I’ve been dating my girlfriend for 3 years now. And wherever we go or talk to she shines with her confidence and way of talking, she is ok good looking. everyone just loves to be around her, everytime we go with friends i feel she gets all the attention and care, when i am not with her all my friend keep teling me how lovely she is and she is the best! And i am lucky to have her. Even my best friends take her side in the convo sometimes, her charisma and strong personality makes people want to hang out with her, and the way they treat her and respect her makes me feel less. I love her and admire all these nice traits, but it’s affecting my confidence too. I Love her a lot and she does too, when we are alone we’re just two love birds. But it’s those situations when the sport light is on her and when she talks everyone agrees with her and take her side. Honestly she is good at letting people on her side. When i hang out with my friends alone it’s one thing and with her around its a totally different thing, she gets all the love and attention and i’m like a second place. Not sure how to cope with it, i love my self and i am a confident man but this makes our relationship tough. If anyone hs a similar story or advice please let me know. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 (edited) With all due respect, I don't see the problem here. It's not a competition. I'm not really sure why the attention your girlfriend receives would affect your self esteem. Edited January 18, 2018 by BaileyB 10 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 Look at it this way, she's so wonderful and she Chose YOU! 13 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 One of my exes that ended up hurting me real bad but with whom I worked with for 10 years after that was one of those. Everybody loved him. Everybody thought he was just the greatest guy. In truth, his ethics in dating were pretty bad. He just had a nice personality and always acted interested in the person he was talking to. He was one of those who would reach out and touch someone on the forearm while talking to them or pat them on the shoulder. Of course, knowing what he was capable of (which I do sort of think was some stupidity or lack of experience maybe, but I heard he did it to someone else even after he knew how bad it hurt me), it was a bit hard to swallow. Of course, women seem to not mind quite as much if people look up to their man. I think men are more sensitive to that in general, except for the ones who intentionally seek a trophy type to prop themselves up. But for those like you who are confident, to just be glossed over must be a bit annoying. Still, nothing you can do about it. I guess you could try to beat them to complimenting her, like "Isn't she the greatest? I'm the luckiest man on earth." Maybe then someone would at least jump in and say, Well, she's pretty lucky too! Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 Are you jealous of her getting a lot of attention OR you are craving attention you're not getting from your friends and family? If you're not getting attention it's not her fault. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Interstellar Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 That’s because she’s good looking. It’s okay to feel that way. Just don’t say it. Don’t tell anyone about it (except us of course). Smile when you’re around her. Be happy. Act confident even if you’re not feeling it. You can be the most insecure guy on the planet but as long as you don’t talk about it with her except your shrink or your mom you’ll be alright. She’s with you right? Women vote with their feet. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 Is it that you're feeling left out when you hang with your friends? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 I am a bit confused too, as to why dating a girl everyone admires makes your self esteem low. To me, it seems like it should boost it - you are the one with the prize! They all tell you how lucky you are. I don't know, I am an outgoing extrovert who mingles and makes friends easily. I get along super with a bunch of my husbands friends, and yeah they will take my side sometimes But my husband doesn't act like he is insecure by the fact that I am well received by our friends etc -just the opposite! He likes to "show me off" and enjoys that I don't need baby sat in social situation, I can go mingle, while he does as well. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 I do get what you mean - I sometimes feel the same way when I'm around friends and family. It feels like your partner is getting all the attention and love, while you just sit back. It can feel like you've been swallowed by your relationship. I sometimes forget that when I'm around my partner's friends, they get along really well with me too. How often do you hang out with your friends without your GF? If it happens some of the time, the remaining where she is around is your friends' only chance to talk to your GF, and it just turns out they really get along well. Your friends may also be trying to make your GF feel welcome in the group, as they know meeting a partner's friends can be intimidating. That by no means devalues the connection with your friends, as they are friends with you and exist in your life for a reason! Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 If anyone hs a similar story or advice please let me know. you need to bring your confidence up. try things such as exercise, hobbies, volunteering....anything that will make you feel better about yourself. take some classes or learn a new skill or trade or get new friends. whatever you do, do it by yourself and don't involve her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 I have no idea what's going on, but it sounds like you fear losing her and that you may have some self-esteem issues. Otherwise, you'd feel proud to have her and relish in the positive attention she got, so long as it didn't cross the line. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 I'm an introvert so I'd be thrilled to be coupled up with someone who was getting all the attention, and not me! As long as I got to go home with him <3. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Frostedflake Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 when she talks everyone agrees with her and take her side. Honestly she is good at letting people on her side. When i hang out with my friends alone it’s one thing and with her around its a totally different thing, she gets all the love and attention and i’m like a second place. Tell me if I'm wrong, but I think you're scared that if the relationship ever failed that you might lose your friends to her. From an outside perspective I think it's great that your friends like your girlfriend and seeing you guys together. That kind of support really helps a relationship. But if they are chiming in about PERSONAL relationship stuff and whatever little arguments you guys have then they're overstepping and you should call that out. Unless you're being a jerk or abusive to her out of insecurity (which I didn't feel from your post at all) I don't think you have anything to sweat, man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 she gets all the love and attention and i’m like a second place It would be nice if she'd include you in the glow and maintain a good balance of energy. I think the best partners (and people) have a way of making everyone feel embraced, included. But not everyone has the awareness or skill to do this. I agree with the advice to develop your own confidence. But at the end of the day, you have to be able to relax and be yourself in a relationship for it to endure. Don't twist yourself into a pretzel if you continue to feel things are off. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 You should be happy to be with her, because she could be with someone else. I have suffered from this problem quite a bit, this tends to happen to me looking back on a lot of relationships. I have a strong personality, I'm very easy to chat with, know how to turn up the charm, I'm not afraid to talk to strangers, etc. Looks? That's up for debate, but I have been with men who feel as if they can't hold their own with me, like you seem to be saying. And they dump me, move to a less attractive woman in the personality and looks departments - this comes out with their bad behaviors and how they take the other for a ride. It's ridiculous how bad these women end up treating these guys, but that's another thread. Get over it. You could be with a shrew who throws tantrums over things, or someone who doesn't want to be seen in public with you, doesn't like your friends, demands to be the center of attention, etc. You should be happy to be with her. If not, you don't deserve to be with someone as good as she is. Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 (edited) Never effected my confidence just got on my nerves but my ex w was similar .. She was literally every guys dream girl, they were like butter around her. Really feminine and gorgeous, happy easy going just really really comfortable in herself , nothing to prove, incredible to talk to, very very smart .but with a killer sense of humor and fun. All the women wanted to be like her and all the guys wanted to steal her, they'd often literally get shytty with me because she was my w, true , l often got shyt from guys even friends, would get drunk and it would all start coming out about how lucky l was and ra ra ra, most of the time they'd been secretly in love with her for years, or they thought it was secretly , what a joke l could pick it blind folded. Man the crap and envy l had to deal with. lf l ever get married again l'm kinda hoping she'll be un popular :bunny: Edited January 19, 2018 by Chilli Link to post Share on other sites
2much4 Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 How does she act towards you around your friends? Does she ignore you? How is her body language? Does she ever tell them how lucky she is to have you? Maybe you can work something out together to make you feel more included. Is it a mixed group of friends? Maybe part of it is you feel like your friends are hitting on her and are just waiting for you to be gone. Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 Maybe your friends are trying to show their happiness for you by accepting and loving her ? I remember long ago in my 20s, if a friend had a new gf , we all would get together and try to get to know her. Most of us liked her and were happy for our friend. They made a good couple. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jklen Posted January 19, 2018 Author Share Posted January 19, 2018 How does she act towards you around your friends? Does she ignore you? How is her body language? Does she ever tell them how lucky she is to have you? Maybe you can work something out together to make you feel more included. Is it a mixed group of friends? Maybe part of it is you feel like your friends are hitting on her and are just waiting for you to be gone. When we are around others if she is not getting the attention and approval of others, she tries to take the upper hand and sometimes be condescending. She does that unconsciously as a defense mechanism, but that back fires on me. I’ve spoken this to her about it and she is being more cautious now. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 My last fiancee is like this. Beautiful and very personable. Everybody loves her and gravitates to her. I never felt "less than" though. Was never jealous or insecure. I'm not the type of person that needs to be the center of attention. I've been that plenty. Even with her. Sometimes it's a relief to let the attention go to someone else. I just smiled to myself and let her be who she is. It didn't diminish me at all. This is a self-esteem and security issue. It's not really about her. This is about you not being sure of your worth in the relationship or in social situations. You have the fix that internally. Don't even think of suggesting she or your friends change to suit your insecurities. You just need to fix your insecurities 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 When we are around others if she is not getting the attention and approval of others, she tries to take the upper hand and sometimes be condescending. She does that unconsciously as a defense mechanism, but that back fires on me. I’ve spoken this to her about it and she is being more cautious now. Then that is your real problem. It's not so much that she is the center of attention -- it's her bad behavior when she isn't. If when people aren't fawning all over her she acts badly & climbs over you to get them to fawn over her, she's not a nice person. No wonder you feel bad. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 When we are around others if she is not getting the attention and approval of others, she tries to take the upper hand and sometimes be condescending. She does that unconsciously as a defense mechanism, but that back fires on me. I’ve spoken this to her about it and she is being more cautious now. This is the heart of your issue. This is a very ugly trait of personality she has, I understand it makes you feel bad. Now she is being more cautious but? If things were getting better you would not have posted here I think. You have to consider this is probably deep ingrained in her and she'll never be able to get rid of that bad habit. It's easy to read you are already very bitter. Maybe this is not the right relationship for you. I know when I look back at my previous relationships some of them I think: goodness what was I thinking about enduring this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 Yeah l was a bit like midnight usually getting attention especially if l don't want it so l use to chuckle everyone flocking to her instead But if they didn't she couldn't care less, it was rare but she'd enjoy the rest. Yours yeah , its; different she sounds like she thrives on it, l agree with don, Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 When we are around others if she is not getting the attention and approval of others, she tries to take the upper hand and sometimes be condescending. She does that unconsciously as a defense mechanism, but that back fires on me. I’ve spoken this to her about it and she is being more cautious now. That's a totally different problem than just being insecure. She disrespects you. Not cool. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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