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Dealing with a potentially clingy guy


girlinNYC

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I’ve been chatting to this guy recently and we have been getting along quite well. He’s quite witty and I like that quality in men. He’s also introverted at the same time. We have a date set up for Sunday which I will attend. However at the moment I feel he’s showing signs of being attached already? Leading to some clingy signs? We have only known each other a week so combining that with myself being the kind of person who doesn’t jump too far ahead of myself, it is ringing some alarm bells. Going by his self confessed introverted nature, is that common for introverts given they aren’t as social?

We were talking yesterday and he was saying goodnight, he was talking about some after work drinks he’s having and if I’m in the area I should stop by. Which is fine, but I said I have plans and might not be around. He said “even if you message to say hello” - admittedly he’s started 90% of conversations.

He’s also hinted to a future with me, entailing marriage and kids.

 

So how do I convey that I want to take things slow with him (and dating guys in general)? I’m not ready for a relationship at the moment, I also don’t want to hurt his feelings because I think there’s definite potential for a good friendship there, even if a relationship doesn’t work right now. How do I convey all that without offending or losing a friend? Do you think he’s becoming attached?

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He’s also hinted to a future with me, entailing marriage and kids.

 

So how do I convey that I want to take things slow with him (and dating guys in general)? I’m not ready for a relationship at the moment, I also don’t want to hurt his feelings because I think there’s definite potential for a good friendship there, even if a relationship doesn’t work right now. How do I convey all that without offending or losing a friend? Do you think he’s becoming attached?

 

The marriage part would freak me out.

 

Why are you on a dating app if you're not ready for a relationship? There's better places to find friends. Dating apps are for relationships and hook ups, if you're not interested in that, you're wasting the guys time.

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He's not going to want to be your friend after you reject his advances. Very clearly you have already judged him as unsuitable because he's "clingy" in your eyes. He's interested in finding someone and you're not so you've already typecast him as undesirable. If he's "clingy" you're "unavailable" and expecting him to all the work of pursuing you endlessly while you make only the minimalist of effort to convey your interest. If you don't want to meet this man and don't want romantic partner, directionless chitchatting for a few more months won't change that.

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Yes, he does sound a bit clingy so tell him how you feel:

I want to take things slow with him (and dating guys in general)? I’m not ready for a relationship at the moment, I also don’t want to hurt his feelings because I think there’s definite potential for a good friendship there, even if a relationship doesn’t work right now.

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You dropped the word friendship. You don’t dig him. Don’t lead him on with friendship.

 

Tell him he’s a nice guy but you’re no longer interested.

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Hi GirlinNYC,

 

It is very common for two people to meet and be in very different places as far as relationships are concerned.

 

Many people are very anxious and want to have security in a relationship and feel their needs are being met (this goes for women AND men).

 

So, they may act "clingy" or use other passive aggressive behavior to try to have their emotional needs met.

 

The big challenge comes from lack of effective communication.

 

I’m not ready for a relationship at the moment, I also don’t want to hurt his feelings because I think there’s definite potential for a good friendship there, even if a relationship doesn’t work right now. How do I convey all that without offending or losing a friend? Do you think he’s becoming attached?

 

If you're not ready, be honest and up front. Tell him how you feel with kindness and compassion. If being friends doesn't work for him then that's HIS choice. When you aren't open and honest you TAKE AWAY his choice because he doesn't know how you feel.

 

All relationships, with friends, co-workers, family, etc..., should be treated with the utmost respect for the other person's feelings.

 

Open, honest and compassionate communication is the way to achieve that.

 

If he does not want to stay friends, that again, it's HIS choice. If you do not kindly and compassionately let him know where you stand you are selfishly putting your needs/wants ahead of his without consideration of his feelings at all.

 

Ask yourself this...

 

...how would you want to be treated if you were in the same situation as he is.

 

Having read some of your other posts, I would guess you would NOT like it at all if he didn't communicate his true feelings openly and honestly.

 

Wishing you much love and light

Edited by she'stheone
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Are you certain he wants to be your girlfriend? He's not acting like he wants to fill that role. He sounds like he wants to be your lover.

 

If you're not ready for relationships, then you should not proceed in a manner in which a reasonable person would deduce that you are seeking a romantic liaison. I don't think he's being clingy. I think you're sending out mixed messages and aren't being clear or truthful with him about what you want--perhaps out of fear of being alone? If that's the reason, it's not a good enough one to not be transparent with this guy about your intentions.

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normal person

He’s also hinted to a future with me, entailing marriage and kids.

 

Red flag, red flag, red flag. Don't meet him.

 

So how do I convey that I want to take things slow with him (and dating guys in general)?

 

Start by not meeting him.

 

I’m not ready for a relationship at the moment,

 

So don't put yourself in this position by being on a dating ap.

 

I also don’t want to hurt his feelings because I think there’s definite potential for a good friendship there, even if a relationship doesn’t work right now.

 

But you're not friends, he doesn't want to be friends, you said he's hinting at marriage and kids and he hasn't even met you yet.

 

How do I convey all that without offending or losing a friend? Do you think he’s becoming attached?

 

What do you mean "lose a friend?" He's a stranger you haven't met who for some reason wants you to be the mother of his children. You should be running for the hills. Delete your aps until you're ready. You'll be doing yourself a favor.

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Clingyness has nothing to do with introversion.

If anything, introverts prefer more alone time.

 

Are you sure he hinted at a future WITH you, or just that he wants marriage and kids and wanted to know if you are looking for that too?

Big difference.

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He's talking to you assuming you're the dream girl that lives in his head. He's not getting to know you. He's already making plans and hoping you fit his script. I would have already bailed all the way on him. People who do that aren't stable or smart and they're also not respecting you because they're not really trying to know you, just make you the missing piece.

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The marriage part would freak me out.

 

Why are you on a dating app if you're not ready for a relationship? There's better places to find friends. Dating apps are for relationships and hook ups, if you're not interested in that, you're wasting the guys time.

 

I’m not interest in relationship talk after one week, I’m into taking things slow. I’m open to a relationship with anyone after a certain amount of time having built a foundation first. I just get the vibe he subtly is forcing me to talk to him by saying maybe I can say hi, I find it odd.

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I can't read this guy's mind but I may have done what's outwardly similar. It is to establish common (eventual) relationship goals. Once the assessment is done in 1-3 weeks, I pull back to my usual independent ways.

 

If I appear to move fast in the beginning, and the guy is scared off then that's good information because it means he's afraid to be in a relationship or he doesn't like me. When I later pull back and he freaks out, it means he's insecure, won't give me space, so that weeds him out as well.

 

You should just be easy going, be grounded so you don't overreact to what others do. Don't be afraid and don't freak out.

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It seems like too much talk and expectation (on his end) for two individuals who haven't even had an actual meetup yet. Constant texting or online contact tends to build up potential that might be non-existent in person.

 

On your part, just be frank that you prefer to take things slow; if that's not his style, then you should move on. He's looking for a partner, not a pal. Of course rejections stings a little, but you're total strangers and well adjusted people deal with it and move on.

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Clingyness has nothing to do with introversion.

If anything, introverts prefer more alone time.

 

Are you sure he hinted at a future WITH you, or just that he wants marriage and kids and wanted to know if you are looking for that too?

Big difference.

 

I see things on face value. He said he sees a future with me, kids and all. Which I take as a compliment but it leads me to believe he’s becoming attached already.

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I’ve been chatting to this guy recently and we have been getting along quite well. He’s quite witty and I like that quality in men. He’s also introverted at the same time. We have a date set up for Sunday which I will attend. However at the moment I feel he’s showing signs of being attached already? Leading to some clingy signs? We have only known each other a week so combining that with myself being the kind of person who doesn’t jump too far ahead of myself, it is ringing some alarm bells. Going by his self confessed introverted nature, is that common for introverts given they aren’t as social?

We were talking yesterday and he was saying goodnight, he was talking about some after work drinks he’s having and if I’m in the area I should stop by. Which is fine, but I said I have plans and might not be around. He said “even if you message to say hello” - admittedly he’s started 90% of conversations.

He’s also hinted to a future with me, entailing marriage and kids.

 

So how do I convey that I want to take things slow with him (and dating guys in general)? I’m not ready for a relationship at the moment, I also don’t want to hurt his feelings because I think there’s definite potential for a good friendship there, even if a relationship doesn’t work right now. How do I convey all that without offending or losing a friend? Do you think he’s becoming attached?

 

If you are worried about him being clingy, the best thing is to not go on the date. Otherwise, you're sending mixed signals. He's said these things that make you feel he is going to fast, and you reward him with agreeing to date?

 

The best way to communicate you are not interested in dating him is not go on a date with him. You do not owe him anything and if he is interested in you romantically, he's not going to be interested in just being your friend anyway. The best way to not offend him is to set clear boundaries now rather than stringing him along or sending mixed signals.

Edited by TheFinalWord
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I see things on face value. He said he sees a future with me, kids and all. Which I take as a compliment but it leads me to believe he’s becoming attached already.

 

This is ridiculous after just one week.

 

I have never met someone who makes grand proclamation like that to a virtual stranger turn out to be a stable relationship candidate.

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Cookiesandough
I see things on face value. He said he sees a future with me, kids and all. Which I take as a compliment but it leads me to believe he’s becoming attached already.

 

If he said that he will probably not be happy being friends. You really need to be careful about going on dates with this guy. This kind of talk isn't normal. People who talk like this are lovebombing at best/ dangerous unstable at worst.

Edited by Cookiesandough
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I couldn't really say if he was being clingy just from one action of talking about marriage and kids and wanting them in his future.

 

You don't seem to want a relationship though - you need to be honest about that if all you want from this guy is friendship.

 

If you do choose to go on this date (I don't think you should as from what you are saying it's clear as day you don't want a relationship with him) then make sure you pay your way.

Honestly though. I think you're wasting his time if you go on the date as he is clearly ready for a relationship.

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You dont want a relationship? See him as a friend? Then why are you going on a date? Stop wasting his time as you are looking for different things from each other.

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You dont want a relationship? See him as a friend? Then why are you going on a date? Stop wasting his time as you are looking for different things from each other.

 

I feel obligated to go, for some weird reason I feel bad bailing a day before. His hopes are up and I know that’s not my problem. He texts every day, he tags me in Facebook posts literally every day, he’s highly interested after only a week.

I feel maybe I should go (to not upset him) and casually hint at how I want to take things slow with guys and not jump into things. No one loses out that way, hopefully.

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If he said that he will probably not be happy being friends. You really need to be careful about going on dates with this guy. This kind of talk isn't normal. People who talk like this are lovebombing at best/ dangerous unstable at worst.

 

The last guy I dealt with who was as forward as that turned out to be the biggest player so I’m automatically sceptical about it. He says these things then puts a joke out there, it’s odd.

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Cookiesandough
I feel obligated to go, for some weird reason I feel bad bailing a day before. His hopes are up and I know that’s not my problem. He texts every day, he tags me in Facebook posts literally every day, he’s highly interested after only a week.

I feel maybe I should go (to not upset him) and casually hint at how I want to take things slow with guys and not jump into things. No one loses out that way, hopefully.

 

There is a high likelihood you will feel more obligated to continue after you meet. What if he professes his undying love for you on the date and threatens his life if you don't go out with him again?Imagine how obligated feeling then. Sounds extreme, but this person already isn't right. If he's planning kids and marriage with someone he has never met and only talked to for a week I think this person is maladjusted and not a good candidate for that stuff. I highly doubt he will listen to anything you say about taking it slow. JMO

Edited by Cookiesandough
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I feel obligated to go,

 

will you also feel obligated to go on the next date if this one turns out to be really nice? You said you didn't want a relationship. You're not acting like it. You're acting like you can be talked into something you don't want to do.

 

I mean, so what if his hopes are up? How is that your responsibility?

 

I feel maybe I should go (to not upset him) and casually hint at how I want to take things slow with guys and not jump into things. No one loses out that way, hopefully.

 

Or maybe you should call him and tell him that his talk of marriage and children caused you to rethink some things and that you realize you don't want to be in a committed relationship and you don't want to lead him on any further with mixed messages on your end.

 

Because here's what I think: you go, not because you want to be there, but because you feel responsible for his happiness (which you aren't); but what's going to happen is he's going to lobby you hard to not end things so soon and your guilt, which is evident in this post, is going to make you cave in and not stand sentry to your boundaries. People who have projected hard into the future about how you will fill a role as a wife and mother and you haven't even met generally speaking aren't the type of people who say "Oh, ok--my bad... yeah, let's fall back a little on this..." when you casually hint about "taking things slow and not jump into things".

 

You were pretty convincing in your first post that you were. not. feeling this, but now, you're talking yourself into it sideways---as if this approach is going to make him slow his roll.

 

Figure out what you want then act accordingly. That cuts down on the propensity of sending mixed messages.

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MaleIntuition

He is not your friend. You are not being nice by leading him on and neither is turning him into an orbiter. So, what’s the best scenario here, from your perspective? What do you even hope to accomplish?

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