Jump to content

Dating multiple people


Fair

Recommended Posts

It's all the rage these days but don't get it. Nor do I agree with it.

 

What this does, is set up a bad situation right from the start... jealousy, a possible love triangle, lies, if it's an OLD situation... lies possibly before you even meet. That's if the one you're interested in doesn't want to tell you about how many other women he's with... how wonderful.

 

even if it's all out in the open and you're both honest with each other right from the start this raises the possibility of one or both of you developing feelings for more than one person. What the hell do you do then? Start lying to and cheating on them both? How could you choose?

 

And how can you get to know another complex human being if your attention is divided?

 

I think this is exactly the reason why it's so hard to find someone these days. Focus on one person is in my opinion, the best way... if it doesn't work... move on. But this multiple dating b.s isn't working.

 

I'm sure there'll be people leaping up here to say it does work, that they found their partner for life doing just that... but I call bull on it. If it's true, you've got to be a rare exception. People go on dating sites and stay on there for years. This is why! It sets up a tangled web.

 

 

Besides, does anyone really like being one in a line up of potentials for someone else? You may both be seeing more than one person, but this just sets up a higher possibility that you might fall for someone who falls for someone else....note, I said a higher possibility. I mean, anyway you look at it's a bad idea.

 

If multiple dating worked, there'd be no reason for any of us to be alone in this day of the internet and OLD. But loneliness is an epidemic. An EPIDEMIC.

 

I'm sure OLD works but only if two people are of the same mind about focusing on each other as far as they can possibly go with it before moving on to the next. We've been brainwashed as a society somehow, to believe that sleeping around with everybody at once is the way to go. Puh-lease!!

 

How many people are willing to admit, that they tried OLD but ended up marrying someone they met in real life and gave that person their undivided attention? Because this, people, is really how it works.

Edited by Fair
  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not sure if I understand the question at hand ..

 

Are you asking how many of us gave up a better connection for something lesser, or asking if we chose something local and physical over a long distance/better connection type of thing?

 

I'll be glad to give a better answer once I get that clarified. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Another mindless rant about multi-dating. <sigh> I'll admit you may have a point about people who are on these sites for years, but of course they may just want to date and not have a long term relationship, unlike you.

 

Multi-dating - when you even have that option - is effective and efficient at finding a good match. If you are only doing it for the thrills, well, that could be leading people on inappropriately, I'd agree. Otherwise, it ensures all your prospects get evaluated so you can decide if any are worth exclusivity. Most aren't, but if you'd sequentially dated, you'd spend a far longer period of time to find out - and you'd have to pass on many good prospects because you're dating another. By the time you get to them, they've moved on.

 

So what if you like someone who prefers someone else? Are you entitled to them liking you? Of course not. You'd do the same, if you met someone who is a better match. It doesn't make you less than the one they do pick - just not as suitable for that particular person. You wouldn't want someone to just settle for you, would you? Later, they may realize that they settled, and could do better. Let that happen up front when possible.

 

So, your preference greatly limits the chances of finding a great match, and takes far more time. You may end up settling for a poorer match than you'd have found if you'd multi-dated.

Edited by central
  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't you want someone who believes that you're IT? That is, they don't believe they can do any better. As far as they've seen, you're the best for them.

 

There isn't really anything wrong with multi dating if you ask me. I think it does more good than harm. Let ppl multi-date. This way, if they choose you, it will be because they have searched and searched and have found that there's no one better for them than you.

Edited by LoverOfDance
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Don't you want someone who believes that you're IT? That is, they don't believe they can do any better. As far as they've seen, you're the best for them.

 

There isn't really anything wrong with multi dating if you ask me. I think it does more good than harm. Let ppl multi-date. This way, if they choose you, it will be because they have searched and searched and have found that there's no one better for them than you.

 

It doesn't work this way, let's face it. They always think they can get something better, or someone else inadvertently catches threir eye and they're gone. Maybe there are so many "Mindless Rants" about OLD because it really doesn't work! Maybe we should all wake up about it!

 

I'm frustrated because nowadays you're forced to go along with it whether you like it or not because it's the way dating is done now, and no one respects a different viewpoint. You're expected to get in line with the sheep. So there you are on this merry-go-round you never asked to be on in the first place!

 

None of the posters who answered mentioned where they met 'the one'. I bet it wasn't OLD.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I'm not sure if I understand the question at hand ..

 

Are you asking how many of us gave up a better connection for something lesser, or asking if we chose something local and physical over a long distance/better connection type of thing?

 

I'll be glad to give a better answer once I get that clarified. :)

 

You answered the question. You clearly think OLD is great.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
dating multiple people at one time only works if you not banging any of them

 

Why should that matter? You can still become emotionally attached to more than one.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Why should that matter? You can still become emotionally attached to more than one.

 

because the chances of becoming emotionally attached increase greatly when you are f*cking them

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
It doesn't work this way, let's face it.

 

It doesn't work for YOU. Face it. It's fine if you don't want to use online dating, or don't want to multi-date. You can ask that anyone you want to meet do the same, but they are not obligated, of course.

 

About one third of marriages are a result of online dating (another study says at least 20%). So, obviously it works, since that is a huge block of people who met via OLD. And OLD marriages fail less often than those of people who met "offline" - 6% vs. 8%.

 

Nobody knows how many of those multi-dated, though, but based on many past threads here and elsewhere, it seems about half of people are fine with multi-dating, and about half don't like it. One statistic does say 53% do.

 

My wife and I both multi-dated in the early stages of our relationship. We soon determined - based on experience and comparisons - that we were a great match for each other compared to others we'd met, and have been happily together ever since. Perhaps those who don't work out either aren't ready to commit, or don't think the person(s) they're dating are a good match.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
because the chances of becoming emotionally attached increase greatly when you are f*cking them

 

I disagree. I think the chances of it happening in either case are about equal.

Link to post
Share on other sites
GorillaTheater

We're knocking OLD here, but multi-dating predates OLD by a millennia or three, and being on OLD certainly doesn't equal multi-dating.

 

 

I never could pull off multi-dating too well (in the days way before the internet). But even though I was much more comfortable dating one girl at a time, I can't knock multi-dating in general. Seems like a pretty efficient way to find a compatible partner. Different strokes.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

OLD and multidating have worked great for me. I was married for 25 years and when I got out 3 1/2 years ago, I wasn't looking for *the one*. I wanted to explore and figure out what I wanted. I dated like crazy, meeting people both online and in real life, and had great success from both (met people I felt great about and who enhanced my life and whom Im very fond of).

 

Over time I started to feel like I was ready for more substantial relationships and my relationships became more substantial. I had several very long term fwb's who overlapped (one for 3 years, one for 2, and two for 1 1/2 years), which I loved (felt lots of love and had fun without being tied down or having the negative aspects of a monogamous relationship) and then eventually met (maybe, it's only been a few months, so the jury's out) *the one*. I met him about a year after I started thinking it wastime for just one. During that year I felt a little antsy that maybe I wouldn't find a good one or maybe multidating would make it hard to get into a relationship. But actually I think a year wasn't too bad (I wasn't horribly picky about who I dated, but I wasn't going to get into a serious relationship with just anyone).

 

When I met him I still had my fwb mentioned above plus I was always dating other people, too, so there were stragglers. It was not a problem. I was really kinda sad about letting go of all of them because I felt close to them, but from the day I met my boyfriend I knew he was totally different and I didn't see any of them after that day. It did take a few weeks to let them all know, but I did eventually and that's all worked out fine.

 

And I didn't meet him online. I met him in a parkinglot, which seems to me more ridiculous. I do think meeting IRL might give you better odds at really catching because you have to be a little more invested to get started (approaching someone face to face is hard and people are probably more likely to do that if they have a real interest). But I think OLD is a viable legitimate way to meet. You act like nobody ever gets into a good solid relationship through OLD, but that's crazy. Most of us probably know happy couples who met online.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am a 26 year old male who has been on and off OLD apps and sites for around 3 years now.

 

I have never multi-dated but have been on around 25-30 first dates in that time. 3 relationships (none lasting over 6 months).

 

I have never really been in the position to multi date. I have had rare weeks where I'll have 2 dates lined up with 2 different girls. But one or both of them end at the first date meaning I didn't then go on more dates with 2 girls at the same time.

 

I think women can multi date far more easily for a couple of reasons:

 

A) they are very unlikely to pay for the first few dates with any guy. That means in theory they could go out with 2 or 3 guys a week and be treated to wine, food and other things. If a guy was fortunate enough to date 2 or more women in one week he's probably forking out at least 20 dollars on each woman. You do the maths.

 

B) Men do the chasing which is exhausting. To be chasing one woman, trying to arrange dates, trying to do all the things to maintain their interest is tiring enough. Has a working man with hobbies really got the time to multi date? Not always. Women just have to say yes to a date, turn up and afterwards wait for the guy to do all the work again. Usually this is the case.

 

-----

 

I sort of agree with the poster that multi dating IMO will most likely result in hurting someone's feelings by offering false hope to someone. You might date two people for 4 or 5 dates then pick your favourite. The one you don't pick might have envisioned their future with you at this point, may have fallen in love with you or may have told their friends and family, hey I'm dating this great guy/girl, we've been on 5 dates and it's getting more serious now. Then the next day that person is ghosted or something similar.

 

I do however think that multi dating can be good for not getting too invested too soon in one person. This is where I keep falling down. Maybe if I was dating more than one person I wouldn't have a mentality sometimes where it's like 'I must cling on to this one as she is my only option right now and my only release from lonliness'.

 

I have no problems with people that multi date and I expect any good looking person on OLD in particular to be doing so. It's the nature of the beast. Like I said in another thread - we have to realise we are commodities on OLD. Someone might purchase us and enjoy us for a while until an upgrade can be bought. Much like when someone is enjoying their Iphone until the new one comes out. Do they still spend their time on the old one? No, it gets chucked aside.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm frustrated because nowadays you're forced to go along with it whether you like it or not because it's the way dating is done now, and no one respects a different viewpoint. You're expected to get in line with the sheep. So there you are on this merry-go-round you never asked to be on in the first place!

 

This is just not true. There are lots of people who don't multidate or do OLD. I've met a lot of people irl, including my boyfriend. Nobody is trying to force you to date online.

 

dating multiple people at one time only works if you not banging any of them

 

Worked for me even though I was banging them all. :bunny:

 

Why should that matter? You can still become emotionally attached to more than one.

 

I was also emotionally attached to all of them. That was not a problem. It was a great thing.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
We're knocking OLD here, but multi-dating predates OLD by a millennia or three, and being on OLD certainly doesn't equal multi-dating.

 

 

I never could pull off multi-dating too well (in the days way before the internet). But even though I was much more comfortable dating one girl at a time, I can't knock multi-dating in general. Seems like a pretty efficient way to find a compatible partner. Different strokes.

 

"Multi-dating" was not called that back then. It was called "cheating'.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
GorillaTheater
"Multi-dating" was not called that back then. It was called "cheating'.

 

 

In what universe? It's not cheating until you're exclusive, which multi-dating by definition isn't.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't see a problem with people dating more than one person at a tome as long as there was no commitment (or in the case of polyamory but that's another discussion I guess lol)

 

I personally don't feel comfortable doing it. It also baffles me as to how they do it but I am deeply introverted and can't imagine going on a lot of dates on a regular basis.

lol

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
It doesn't work for YOU. Face it. It's fine if you don't want to use online dating, or don't want to multi-date. You can ask that anyone you want to meet do the same, but they are not obligated, of course.

 

About one third of marriages are a result of online dating (another study says at least 20%). So, obviously it works, since that is a huge block of people who met via OLD. And OLD marriages fail less often than those of people who met "offline" - 6% vs. 8%.

 

Nobody knows how many of those multi-dated, though, but based on many past threads here and elsewhere, it seems about half of people are fine with multi-dating, and about half don't like it. One statistic does say 53% do.

 

.

 

And those 'supposed' 53% are players, or not serious. Of course they're going to be thrilled with it. Statistics tell you nothing. There's a difference between being 'ok' with multi dating and the question as to whether or not it works.

 

I think it's probably in reality much less a percentage of people who marry via OLD. And the statistics about OLD marriage's failing less often is absolutely ridiculous. How do they know that? You can't believe everything you read. We're in a 'hook-up' society and this sh** is being shoveled at us deliberately just to promote and support all these dating sites.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
In what universe? It's not cheating until you're exclusive, which multi-dating by definition isn't.

 

Multi dating isn't the way it was always done, is what I'm saying.

Link to post
Share on other sites
pleasing one woman at a time is hard enough let alone 3 or 4 or 5

 

The problem I have with multi-dating is it gets expensive fast.

Link to post
Share on other sites
And those 'supposed' 53% are players, or not serious. Of course they're going to be thrilled with it. Statistics tell you nothing. There's a difference between being 'ok' with multi dating and the question as to whether or not it works.

 

I think it's probably in reality much less a percentage of people who marry via OLD. And the statistics about OLD marriage's failing less often is absolutely ridiculous. How do they know that? You can't believe everything you read. We're in a 'hook-up' society and this sh** is being shoveled at us deliberately just to promote and support all these dating sites.

 

Ah, well, no doubt you are correct and your lone opinion is worth far more than that of multiple teams of trained researchers and statisticians who have conducted numerous studies over large numbers of people to reach these conclusions.

 

More than a third of marriages between 2005 and 2012 began online, according to new research at the University of Chicago, which also found that online couples have happier, longer marriages.

 

The results were published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences - not some newspaper survey.

 

Marriage breakups were reported in about 6 percent of the people who met online, compared with 7.6 percent of the people who met offline. Marriages for people who met online reported a mean score of 5.64 on a satisfaction survey, compared with a score of 5.48 for people who met offline. The survey was based on questions about their happiness with their marriage and degree of affection, communication and love for each other.

 

For the study, Cacioppo led a team that examined the results of a representative sample of 19,131 people who responded to a survey by Harris Interactive about their marriages and satisfaction.

 

I do try to support my opinions. Can you show something to support yours, or is it personal bias?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

 

I do try to support my opinions. Can you show something to support yours, or is it personal bias?

 

I have no records showing the statistics of the vast amount of people I've talked to who have had NO success on OLD but I wish I did. I bet if I started compiling those kinds of statistics it would be very interesting indeed. After all, no one has done any research on the failings online dating, have they? Of course not. They wouldn't. It might get people really thinking about how useless the OLD industry actually is.

 

And of course I've got personal experience of my own. That's why I started this thread.

 

I've been on and off for years with the same old crap happening each time around.

 

Meanwhile everyone I know is married, so I've kept trying OLD despite myself, but it's a waste of time... it's a wheel that just keeps spinning.

 

You're forced to play a game you don't want to play, and that doesn't work, but which everyone else wants to do because it's an easy and acceptable way to sleep around, basically.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...