Dating a separated man?

[mortensorchid]

I connected with this man on a dating website. He's 45, has a 2 1/2 year old daughter. Seems to be a good guy, we were able to have conversations about things via texts on the website, then we moved to texting on the phone. We have made a date for Saturday night. All good signs so far.

 

I decided to ask some questions. I asked how long he has been divorced for. He said he isn't, not legally. He's separated, he and his estranged wife have been living apart since September (as it's now January, it's been about 4 months).

 

Knowing nothing else about this situation, is this alright to move forward after so many months apart? I have no idea if they are moving forward legally with things.

[Happy Lemming]

What is the average length of time for the divorce process in your state??

 

I might ask if both parties are working towards the final goal of divorce or is one party hung up on any issues?? Child Support?? House?? 401-K investments??

 

A friend of mine went through torture during his divorce, it dragged on and on and on. I seriously got tired of listening to all of his woes.

 

I don't know, I think I might try my luck on the next one.

 

Just my opinion...

[Gr8fuln2020]

I never seriously date separated ladies. Emotional connection is still there for ex. This guy has only been separated 4 months. Not long. He has a very young child. So, went from happy to brin into the world a new baby girl to....separate? What happened that there would be such a change? Ask him where they are in the divorce proceedings. If nowhere, no way he is over his ex and his earlier life.

[Highndry]

This guy's still deeply entangled in the relationship. He's not even divorced, has only been separated 4 months, and has kid.

[CptInsano]

I would also proceed with caution. At least after the most elemental question has been answered: Does the wife know they're separated?

[MidwestUSA]

Don't waste your time on someone who can't be bothered to try and make his marriage work when there's a two year old involved.

 

As Cpt said, there's a good chance the guy's wife doesn't know that she's separated.

 

Do you want to sit there and listen to 'we haven't slept in the same bed in years' (well, once, obviously), 'it was a mistake from the start', blah blah.

 

Punt.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

No, not ok. Sorry to say. You don't want to get involved with all of that emotional entanglement as someone else called it.

[mortensorchid]

Don't waste your time on someone who can't be bothered to try and make his marriage work when there's a two year old involved.

 

As Cpt said, there's a good chance the guy's wife doesn't know that she's separated.

 

Do you want to sit there and listen to 'we haven't slept in the same bed in years' (well, once, obviously), 'it was a mistake from the start', blah blah.

 

Punt.

 

Right. Come to think of it I haven't asked him if they are living in the same house or not. I looked him up on Facebook by his phone number, seems that the two of them were married a scant 4 years ago, had their child 2 years later, then 2 years after that are done. And the fact that he has not removed the photos from his Facebook (as in their wedding photos) makes me ... Unsure of things.

 

I should ... Probably not do this.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Right. Come to think of it I haven't asked him if they are living in the same house or not. I looked him up on Facebook by his phone number, seems that the two of them were married a scant 4 years ago, had their child 2 years later, then 2 years after that are done. And the fact that he has not removed the photos from his Facebook (as in their wedding photos) makes me ... Unsure of things.

 

I should ... Probably not do this.

 

Yeah, probably not .

[mortensorchid]

Makes me sad because I felt like we had somewhat of a connection but ... Not anymore realizing these facts about him.

 

But hey, it's what it is. Life goes on.

[mortensorchid]

He did text me another question after my asking him that. He asked when my last relationship was, I answered it - 2 years ago, before that about 6/7 years ago. No response after that.

 

We arranged to meet on Saturday, but I don't really care if it happens or not anymore after tonight's Q & A. I think this is a lost cause, if not it's certainly ... Not a good situation.

[S2B]

I think if you both have that connection then simply tell him to call you when his divorce is final and he can prove it.

 

Too many times people get started with someone in the process of divorce only to have the person they are seeing go back to the spouse.

 

It causes so much hurt and pain.

 

Why can't people completely finish ONE relationship before starting the next one? Come on, be fair people out there looking for dates! If you want to date then at the very LEAST be available!

 

Do not date him until he's actually divorced! Ask him when the divorce was filed - I'd bet money he hasn't even filed it yet - which means he is totally STILL married! Also ask if he still lives with her.

[whichwayisup]

I connected with this man on a dating website. He's 45, has a 2 1/2 year old daughter. Seems to be a good guy, we were able to have conversations about things via texts on the website, then we moved to texting on the phone. We have made a date for Saturday night. All good signs so far.

 

I decided to ask some questions. I asked how long he has been divorced for. He said he isn't, not legally. He's separated, he and his estranged wife have been living apart since September (as it's now January, it's been about 4 months).

 

Knowing nothing else about this situation, is this alright to move forward after so many months apart? I have no idea if they are moving forward legally with things.

 

Don't date him. He is separated but not divorced and 4 months is NOT long. Do they have kids?

 

Getting involved with him will be a mistake. Just my 2 cents.

[whichwayisup]

Right. Come to think of it I haven't asked him if they are living in the same house or not. I looked him up on Facebook by his phone number, seems that the two of them were married a scant 4 years ago, had their child 2 years later, then 2 years after that are done. And the fact that he has not removed the photos from his Facebook (as in their wedding photos) makes me ... Unsure of things.

 

I should ... Probably not do this.

 

Listen to your gut!!

 

Stay away from men who are married, separated etc. You really don't know him nor have you invested in him emotionally so it's best to cut it off now. Just tell him you're not interested in dating someone so freshly separated and if he divorces (with proof) then he can ask you out when the timing is right.

 

They have a 2 year old so I'm betting he sees his child often as well as his ex.

[5x5]

Why can't people completely finish ONE relationship before starting the next one? Come on, be fair people out there looking for dates! If you want to date then at the very LEAST be available!

 

In my case I had sex with plenty of women, from after the 3rd month while I was separated from my ex-wife.

 

To be fair though, during the whole 15 months I was separated pending divorce. I told plenty of women that I was recently separated and had a daughter who was either side of 1 year old at the time. In an attempt to scare some of them off (since they were mostly pursuing me).

 

The usual reaction though was "Really!" then they would think about it and say "that's okay". Then I would get variations of, do you still want to go on a date, kiss or have sex with me. So in some instances I would be with them and in other instances I would then have to say sorry I,m just not interested.

 

Even then with one who I turned down, she hung around and kept asking me out as "friends" (I didn't have sex with her despite her want for it) for 18 months, before she finally accepted I didn't want to be with her.

 

I don't regret having sex with and or dating the women I was with when separated, I never lied to them or pretended I was something I wasn't, and was always up front and direct with them from the get go.

 

That said I would still have no qualms about having other sexual partners while separated, if I ever found myself again to be separated pending a divorce.

 

In the long term though none of those women became long lasting sexual partners, yet I still remain good friends with one of them. While my wife of close to 19 years who I have very happily been with for over 21½ years is also friends with her from when they met, back when my wife and I started dating.

 

As to my ex-wife she tried her hand (immediately after I initiated our separation) with the guy she had extramarital sex with (which was why we were pending a divorce). Then she had a few more partners. Before shacking up with another guy late into our separation, to whom she is now married and has been with for more than a quarter of a century.

 

Having said that, if you're exclusively looking for a long lasting relationship I would echo others here in urging you to be cautious. If he starts to show drama, I would steer well clear.

 

On the other hand if you're just looking for some fun and sex at the moment and you're attracted to him have at it.

[Ruby Slippers]

Hard no for me. Waste of time.

 

Separated guys can be some of the most appealing guys on the surface. But he's still legally bound to someone else, and will eventually have to go through potentially icky divorce emotions. Not at all the vibes I want in a new relationship, so I've always avoided separated (still MARRIED) men entirely.

[S2B]

In my case I had sex with plenty of women, from after the 3rd month while I was separated from my ex-wife.

 

To be fair though, during the whole 15 months I was separated pending divorce. I told plenty of women that I was recently separated and had a daughter who was either side of 1 year old at the time. In an attempt to scare some of them off (since they were mostly pursuing me).

 

The usual reaction though was "Really!" then they would think about it and say "that's okay". Then I would get variations of, do you still want to go on a date, kiss or have sex with me. So in some instances I would be with them and in other instances I would then have to say sorry I,m just not interested.

 

Even then with one who I turned down, she hung around and kept asking me out as "friends" (I didn't have sex with her despite her want for it) for 18 months, before she finally accepted I didn't want to be with her.

 

I don't regret having sex with and or dating the women I was with when separated, I never lied to them or pretended I was something I wasn't, and was always up front and direct with them from the get go.

 

That said I would still have no qualms about having other sexual partners while separated, if I ever found myself again to be separated pending a divorce.

 

In the long term though none of those women became long lasting sexual partners, yet I still remain good friends with one of them. While my wife of close to 19 years who I have very happily been with for over 21½ years is also friends with her from when they met, back when my wife and I started dating.

 

As to my ex-wife she tried her hand (immediately after I initiated our separation) with the guy she had extramarital sex with (which was why we were pending a divorce). Then she had a few more partners. Before shacking up with another guy late into our separation, to whom she is now married and has been with for more than a quarter of a century.

 

Having said that, if you're exclusively looking for a long lasting relationship I would echo others here in urging you to be cautious. If he starts to show drama, I would steer well clear.

 

On the other hand if you're just looking for some fun and sex at the moment and you're attracted to him have at it.

 

So what your saying is that separated men often times just look for women they can use for sex to numb their pain while they are divorcing?

 

 

Good reason to stay away from them.

[alphamale]

Knowing nothing else about this situation, is this alright to move forward after so many months apart? I have no idea if they are moving forward legally with things.

 

next thing you know is that you'll be banging him and then he's getting "back together" with his wife and you become OW

[she'stheone]

Don't waste your time on someone who can't be bothered to try and make his marriage work when there's a two year old involved.

 

Hi MidwestUSA,

 

I think your statement is very unfair. When a marriage is not working out, staying together "for the sake of the child" is a HUGE mistake.

 

Children notice EVERYTHING (I have an 8 year old son and I've learned this the hard way).

 

If there is pain and anger in a relationship, the child will notice and be negatively affected by it.

 

It is in the child's best interest to separate (divorce) and then work out a healthy parenting plan sooner rather than later.

 

When a child is very young and their parents divorce, then the relationship and parenting situation is "normal" for the child.

 

The older the child is when parents divorce the harder it is on them. They are used to their parents living together (even with fighting). They change can be very difficult for them.

 

We do NOT know how long this man was together with his wife or if things have been rocky for a number of years.

 

Now, as for whether she should date this guy, since he's NOT divorced, only separated, I would agree, it's a bad idea.

[1fish2fish]

I agree with S2B and leaving the door open for when he is actually divorced and can show you proof.

[kendahke]

I connected with this man on a dating website. He's separated, he and his estranged wife have been living apart since September (as it's now January, it's been about 4 months).

 

Knowing nothing else about this situation, is this alright to move forward after so many months apart? I have no idea if they are moving forward legally with things.

 

I wouldn't. I don't care how well we seem to get along. He's got a lawful wife.

 

This is the textbook definition of messy.

 

Has he even filed for a divorce, or is he just playing house elsewhere and keeping his marital state?

 

Are you cool with dating a married man? Only death and divorce dissolve a legal marriage.

[kendahke]

Don't waste your time on someone who can't be bothered to try and make his marriage work when there's a two year old involved.

 

As Cpt said, there's a good chance the guy's wife doesn't know that she's separated.

 

Do you want to sit there and listen to 'we haven't slept in the same bed in years' (well, once, obviously), 'it was a mistake from the start', blah blah.

 

Punt.

 

So true.

 

In fact, if it isn't an issue, then why not state that up front on the dating profile, if everything is so on the up and up with the separation?

 

And even if the marriage can't work out, clean up your mess and don't date until you have cleared up the lion's share of your marital mess.

[central]

Of course, it's up to you, but why not meet him and then see what your gut says?

 

I started dating a few weeks after leaving my ex. I met my current wife about 7 months later. My divorce took another 7 years! (Not a record, but well beyond average.) We lived together during that time, bought 2 houses together, moved across country, and still have the best relationship of anyone we know.

 

Yes, be cautious, but every situation is unique. Only by treating each as such, can you figure out what's best. You may avoid some problems by following general advice - but you may also miss out on the best relationship of your life. If you're unwilling to take a chance, just move on, or do so if you don't think it's worth dating after you meet. At least you'll have some first-hand information on which to base your opinion.

[Ruby Slippers]

^ Did you begin a serious relationship while separated? If dating is just light entertainment for someone, it makes sense that they wouldn't care. If a person wants a relationship of depth, it seems foolish to even attempt that with someone who by law is not available. Personally, I'd never be able to stomach having sex with somebody who's separated/married. Even the idea feels all wrong to me.

[kendahke]

I simultaneously do and do not understand why so many people here are so against dating separated men.

 

I don't want a married man. For me, it's the whole adultery angle and I do not engage in adultery.

 

For me, being cheated on isn't a good enough excuse for not cleaning up the legal mess of properly dissolving the marriage.

 

I dont' want to be in a situation where if he has to go to the hospital for something serious, I'm not the legal next of kin. My wishes are not considered. I can be thrown out of his hospital room, even if I've spent months or years living with him and taking care of him, by the lawful wife he is still married to.