Kelliousme Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 We've been going out for a month only. Prior to becoming exclusive I've asked him why he's single and not married (he's 40 years old and we have a 15 year age gap). He told me it's because he has yet to find someone he loves. Since it was such a weird response I thought he was kidding. However, now I'm falling in love with him and naturally I want to learn more about him. I asked him again a few days ago and he gave me the same response. So I asked him why? And he said "It's hard for some people sometimes. People get into marriages without loving each other. But so what if I've loved someone? What if I haven't?" I didn't really know how to respond because I didn't think he would answer in such a way. I figured I was wrong for asking.. so I apologized. =/ Not sure what to think of this situation and why he seems to be so secretive about it. FYI he has asked me about my previous relationships and I've told him everything he wants to know. I know almost nothing about his.. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 He's not being secretive, he just has not found the right person for him. It doesn't mean he didn't date and didn't have relationships, it just means they were not meant to marry. I was single from age 38 to 48 and it annoyed the heck out of me when they ask why a woman like me is single! There is no answer, I was single because obviously every man I met wasn't cutting it for me! Stop asking him why he never married, you can ask him about his previous relationships, he will tell you. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelliousme Posted January 17, 2018 Author Share Posted January 17, 2018 He's not being secretive, he just has not found the right person for him. It doesn't mean he didn't date and didn't have relationships, it just means they were not meant to marry. I was single from age 38 to 48 and it annoyed the heck out of me when they ask why a woman like me is single! There is no answer, I was single because obviously every man I met wasn't cutting it for me! Stop asking him why he never married, you can ask him about his previous relationships, he will tell you. My reason for asking was.. I thought it was weird how he said he's never loved anyone before. I've been through a few relationships and I have loved my boyfriends at the time. Love doesn't equate to marriage. He has ex-girlfriends that he mentions from time to time when talking about a past event. However, it's odd that he has been in long term relationships and denies that he has loved them. Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 It is strange to me that you think his response is strange. I think it might be the best and most true to life answer to that question. I can't think of a better reason not to have gotten married. Do you feel surprised that someone could get to the age of 40 without falling in love? I'm not surprised at all. Im a woman and I'm 48. I'm very open to people and open to the idea of falling in love and it's only happened to me twice. There have been a ton of guys who I've been very close to and cared a lot about, but true love isn't something I've stumbled into frequently. It's not like you just need to find someone who's handsome and nice and smart, there's got to be a real spark. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 ***However, it's odd that he has been in long term relationships and denies that he has loved them.*** He might not have loved them. Or maybe was not in love with them. Do you think he's lying? Link to post Share on other sites
kaitlynlily6 Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 He may have dated a lot but really haven't found someone to marry. You're going out for just a month, observe and get to know him better and don't think too much yet, just enjoy the company. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 My reason for asking was.. I thought it was weird how he said he's never loved anyone before. I've been through a few relationships and I have loved my boyfriends at the time. Love doesn't equate to marriage. He has ex-girlfriends that he mentions from time to time when talking about a past event. However, it's odd that he has been in long term relationships and denies that he has loved them. Then it's perfect timing to ask him what is love to him. He may be expecting that being in love feels like a knife through the heart, it's not. He may confuse infatuation and love, his answer would be interesting. Also, at the time he was in these relationships he may have considered himself in love but with some distance now he doesn't qualify it as such. You don't need to know every little detail of his past relationships, you need to know him now, what is love to him, what love feels to him, how long he gives himself to feel love because you don't want to find yourself 3 years down the line and he still doesn't feel love, right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 I get where you are coming from.....you really like him and there is a possibility you are falling for him...but if he hasn't "fell in love" all this time, the question you are asking yourself, are you just simply wasting your time? Is it even worth the investment at such a high risk? Obviously you don't want to get hurt. I understand why he is secretive...he probably hurt every women that he had a relationship with because these women were in love with him and were hoping to be married some day...but it never happened. So why would he tell you that? I think you have this figured out, you just want confirmation....well I'm giving it to you. Be very aware. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Frostedflake Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 He's never truly been in love or he's not giving you any strings to tug on when you inevitably have your first fight. "Well why don't you go back to so-and-so IF YOU LOVED HER SO MUCH!" Not saying you're the type, but there are many! Your relationship is still extremely fresh. Learn about him properly overtime and not in a giant dissect-a-thon because you're getting scared. Link to post Share on other sites
Lamartine Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 This may not be the most popular answer, but it's true to my experience. I've found that if someone reaches a certain age--35 or 40--and has never been engaged, married, or in a long term relationship, then something is wrong. He says he's never been in love. Maybe he doesn't know what love is: he might think that "love" means the relationship will be hearts and rainbows all the time with no boredom or disagreement. Maybe he is afraid of commitment: he's not going to tell you that and might not even realize it himself. Maybe he comes from a broken family and is frightened to get married because it could end in divorce. Maybe he's a closet misogynist. Maybe he's set in his ways or controlling and can't stand any relationship that doesn't follow all of his rules. When I was younger, I would have given a different answer, but I've been burned by older, never married older men too many times. I'd much rather date a divorced man: he might have chosen the wrong person, but at least he is capable of love and understands from experience how relationships work (or don't work). Of course, it's possible that this man's situation is exactly what he says it is. Maybe he just hasn't met the right person. However, do you really want to make that gamble? If you lose, it could scar you horribly. I speak from personal experience. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 What would be an acceptable answer in your opinion? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Look at the choice in women this man has made and see if there is a parallel with him never being in love. Here he is at 40 and dating a 25 year old. Has it always been his choice to date much younger women? Would you say dating a 25 year old is the decision of a serious 40 year old man looking to settle? Some men never emotionally grow up, is he one of them? He sticks around as long as it's fun and when it's getting serious toward a real commitment he's bailing out? Also, you've only been seeing him 4 weeks, I think you are ahead of yourself a little by claiming you're falling in love. You are excited, infatuated, you're experiencing the new-relationship energy but all that has nothing to do with 'love'. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 Kelliousme, Will you please give this guy a break? There are many reasons why people in their 40's + aren't married and it's not because they are oddballs. My husband was single because he had been in the military and had been developing a career there. When he came out he had responsibilities for elderly, infirm parents plus he liked to travel. Basically, he never stayed still long enough to develop a relationship with anyone. It wasn't until he got to 50 that he took stock and realised that he was lacking something ......then he met me Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 He's not being secretive, he just has not found the right person for him. It doesn't mean he didn't date and didn't have relationships, it just means they were not meant to marry. I was single from age 38 to 48 and it annoyed the heck out of me when they ask why a woman like me is single! There is no answer, I was single because obviously every man I met wasn't cutting it for me! Stop asking him why he never married, you can ask him about his previous relationships, he will tell you. ^100 times this. I find it extremely annoying when people ask why you're single: obviously because you want to and / or haven't found a person that makes you happy enough to give up the perks of couple-free life. I strongly prefer men without ton of relationship history (divorces, baby mammas etc). Why would you want this baggage at 25?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 ^100 times this. I find it extremely annoying when people ask why you're single: obviously because you want to and / or haven't found a person that makes you happy enough to give up the perks of couple-free life. I strongly prefer men without ton of relationship history (divorces, baby mammas etc). Why would you want this baggage at 25?? A very good friend of mine is closing in on 50. He has never married and is very much annoyed when he is quizzed to why not. He dates women from late 20's to his own age. It had also worn thin to be asked "Don't you want kids?" Just enjoy the relationship for now instead of getting upset already. Things may come out a little at a time as it grows instead of vomiting out all things at once. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 There are plenty of guys (and some women) who foster relationships simply for regular sex, having nothing to do with love. They love sex, not the person necessarily. And some people are more loving and have more capacity for it than others. I do see why you'd be curious about it in case he has some deep-seated hatred for women or something, but that's not necessarily the case. Ask about his childhood. See if he had a loving relationship with his parents. See if he was neglected or anything. If he was neglected or had real bad parents he may not know how to love and may never. At least not people. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 He's 40 and doesn't believe he's ever been in love. You say you're falling in love with him after only seeing each other for a month. Neither seems right to me, and at least seems to indicate that you two are on opposite poles of the emotional spectrum. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 A very good friend of mine is closing in on 50. He has never married and is very much annoyed when he is quizzed to why not. He dates women from late 20's to his own age. It had also worn thin to be asked "Don't you want kids?" Just enjoy the relationship for now instead of getting upset already. Things may come out a little at a time as it grows instead of vomiting out all things at once. I would say depends on what is your goal in life. It suited your friend to date and not think of tomorrow and he lived by that motto all of his life and at the end he got what this type of life brings and he's happy with it. OP is 25, if her goal is marriage and kids then I don't suggest she lives day by day and not a care for what's to come. She needs to date with a goal in mind and work toward that goal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 I’d be wary too. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 The OP does have marriage in mind because she is pushing for him to give her a reason why he has never married.....she's worried she's just going to be another notch in his relationship post. It's pretty evident he dates very young ladies because he isn't looking for commitment or love. Hence why he dances around the questions, the OP has put forth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 One of my dear friends (who's married and in a similar age group to him) says she's never really understood what Love is. She really enjoys her husband's company and very much cares for him, but the concept of romantic love is foreign to her. Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 The OP does have marriage in mind because she is pushing for him to give her a reason why he has never married.....she's worried she's just going to be another notch in his relationship post. It's pretty evident he dates very young ladies because he isn't looking for commitment or love. Hence why he dances around the questions, the OP has put forth. Why do you think he's not looking for commitment/love? Heck he's not THAT old, plenty of people haven't been in a steady LTR at his age or later. I dated a 37 yo guy that has never been in a relationship before then and he was quite clearly looking to marry (it didn't work but still I was with him for 2 years). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelliousme Posted January 17, 2018 Author Share Posted January 17, 2018 I get where you are coming from.....you really like him and there is a possibility you are falling for him...but if he hasn't "fell in love" all this time, the question you are asking yourself, are you just simply wasting your time? Is it even worth the investment at such a high risk? Obviously you don't want to get hurt. I understand why he is secretive...he probably hurt every women that he had a relationship with because these women were in love with him and were hoping to be married some day...but it never happened. So why would he tell you that? I think you have this figured out, you just want confirmation....well I'm giving it to you. Be very aware. I applaud you, I think this is exactly what I have in mind. I'm afraid I'm beginning to fall for someone who has never loved and is incapable of loving someone. It is a road I'd rather not walk towards. Thanks for everyone's responses! Yes it's only been a month but we've been seeing each other at least 5 times a week. I do have marriage and kids in mind (with the right person of course). It's tough for me to ask my boyfriend any questions relating to his past relationships because he typically jokes around, gives me weird answers, or beats around the bush, thus I'd rather not ask him. Link to post Share on other sites
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