Gf is hung up on ex that passed away. s

[Mjm1014]

Hello, I’ve posted a few threads over the past couple months regarding the girl I’m dating..overall we have a good relationship, but things have also been a little rocky at times since she does the hot/cold treatment with me. Anyways here’s the latest situation I’m trying to sort out.

 

I’ve been dating my gf for about 4-5 months now, and for the most part she always has seemed uncomfortable coming to my apartment for some reason (we are both 30 years old)..anyways, she came over the other night for the 3rd time ever (lol I’m at her place a couple times a week), made dinner together (she seemed so happy and into the moment), but right after dinner she got really distant, and when I pushed the subject asking what was wrong she broke down into tears and told me she’s not over her ex that tragically took his life (4 years ago), and then went on to say making dinner together reminded her of the time they spend together. She also said spending time at my apartment made her uncomfortable because they spend so much time at his place. When she broke down in tears she said she wanted to go home, but ended up staying.

 

I was a little dumbfounded and still really don’t understand any of this. Later in the conversation she says she feels pressure to date me (I think from her family), but when we are apart she misses me so much (I travel for work a lot), and she doesn’t think she deserves a good guy because all the guys in her past “broke her.” She said she doesn’t really know why all the feelings are coming out. It was a lot to hear and clearly didn’t make sense since her head was all over the place.

 

So I am still a little baffled..I haven’t seen her since the other night since I’m on a work trip, but she’s constantly telling me she’s sorry about the other night and that she misses me. I don’t know if the ex that died really was the issue that night or if there’s something else, but does this seem a little weird?

 

I’m at the end of the rope with this girl, I’m confused where any of this came from, but at the same time if she’s still grieving him I want to be supportive of her. Overall I’d say our relationship is really good-I just didn’t see any of this coming the other night. It seems weird to me and a lot of issues I think she needs to figure out.

[igotoverit]

That's complicated. how patient are you? This relationships going to take a lot of patience.

Edited January 17, 2018 by igotoverit

[Happy Lemming]

Are there any "therapy groups" that meet to discuss loss of spouse or significant other in your area??

 

My girlfriend used to go to "group" to discuss her problems (not death of a spouse, other problems) with other women who had the same problems. It was free, I think.

 

I'm a guy and had no advice for her about her situation. So she would get frustrated with me and cry, as well. I was of no help to her in this situation, but the "group" was...

 

Can you do some research for her and see if any of these "therapy groups" exist in your area?? It may help her mourn and she can express her loss there with people who can offer suggestions from their pain/experience.

 

Just my opinion, based on my own experience.

[LilySun]

She seems confused about what she wants. Offer her time or space to sort through things, or let her know you are there if she ever wants to talk about it.

I dated a guy with a deceased fiance and it was very difficult. I sympathized as much as possible but our relationship was never able to progress due to his grief. Small things would set him off, like your GF did at your place, he didn't even like it if I called him "babe" because I guess she did also. This was 3 years after she died.

 

But she also referenced past men that hurt her. So between the Ex and them, she may have trust issues or fears about losing everyone she likes. She's feeling fragile. So even though she likes you it's hard to give herself completely with all these issues. If you are able to stick with it and work through her ups and downs, be supportive and understanding, it can work. However she shouldn't count on you totally, she should consider counseling because she has been through a traumatizing event. That is something she may always have a hard time with on occasion.

[Arieswoman]

Mjm1014,

 

told me she’s not over her ex that tragically took his life (4 years ago),

 

This girl isn't ready for a relationship with you or anyone else. She needs bereavement counselling for a start.

 

It all depends how long you want to stick with her while she works through her issues, you could be talking years here....

[d0nnivain]

She's not ready to date you or anybody else. She needs to be in a support group for people who are the survivors left behind after a suicide.

 

Were they together or apart when he died? After we broke up I had an EX pass away for the same reasons as your GF. I was devastated, not because I wanted him back but because I wanted him alive. It would have been sooooooo much worse had he taken his own life while we were still together because I probably would have felt responsible.

[Interstellar]

I would withdraw and see her only once a week. No texting and phone calls in between. Start collecting phone numbers too. Better yet, just break up with her and save yourself all the confusion and heartache. Your emotional well being is important too.

[whichwayisup]

Be up front and honest with her. Tell her you care for her and want a relationship with her but it seems she's not emotionally ready for anything too serious with you. Offer friendship and let her know that there's no pressure on her.

 

It's obvious by how she's reacting she isn't over the death of her boyfriend. Obviously she loved him and it's still very much on her mind when she's with you.

 

She just isn't ready. Don't take it as a slam or be negative about it, you've done nothing wrong, this is her issue right now.

[smackie9]

This will pass. Obviously the tragedy impacted her life...suicide always does. If I were you, suggest she seek out some grief counseling to finally deal with these emotions she is having before it starts to impact your relationship.

[Aiuta le mani]

Hey friend! Thanks for sharing here! Can I ask, do you know if she has discussed this with a counselor or therapist? I think that you should let her know how you feel and help her find someone to talk to so she can start moving forward! Let me know if you need help finding someone for her to talk! I know of a tool that you can use!

[Highndry]

There's one common denominator in all of your threads about your relationship with this woman - the distance she's trying to put between herself and you.

[Lamartine]

Ultimately, it seems to me that she is not ready to date. She likely needs individual therapy and a grief support group. If I were you, I'd tell her how much you care about her but that you cannot continue to date her unless she gets the help she needs. If you are able, you might want to stay friends with her: in her position, she needs as many friends as she can make.

 

Also, I just wanted to give you my perspective on the difficulty of dealing with the death of an ex. My divorce was final in July 2016. My ex had chronic health issues but became very sick after the divorce. Because he didn't have much family, I remained his caretaker. I found him an apartment within walking distance from my house and saw him almost every day. After a 5 week stay in the hospital, he passed away in July 2017. The man I was dating (and with whom I was discussing marriage) couldn't handle my emotions relating to my husband's death. He dumped me the day of the funeral (couldn't even wait a week or so...).

 

I fell into a very serious depression and required intensive treatment. My ex has been gone over six months now, and I still pick up the phone to call him multiple times a day. I have tremendous guilt because I was out of town when he passed. I couldn't get home in time to be there. I am doing much better, but the guilt and pain are still there. I struggle with many "what if" scenarios: what if I hadn't divorced him...what if I hadn't gone on that trip.

 

I get the feeling from your post that your gf suffers from survivor's guilt and is still struggling with emotions she might not be able to name. She needs professional help. This type of grief doesn't simply vanish with time. It needs treatment, and recovery takes work. She needs to be willing to do that work.

 

I'm sorry for you and for her.

[FastHands]

Yeah she needs time and help. It's not going to be easy though .

[Cookiesandough]

I've been following your story via your username for awhile and I feel like red flags have been strong since the beginning. Sadly, I think your time is being wasted as you feared and that she's not invested. This is probably why. Her heart is still with this person.