I feel like I've ruined things

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Hi everyone! So about a week ago, I started talking to a guy, on Tinder.

 

I'm a woman. For reference, I've been on Tinder sporadically for the past two years, usually only for hookups. No first dates have ever gone on to anything more serious.

 

I really found him and his profile information attractive so I swiped right. He's 27 and I'm 22. He messaged me first. We planned to meet this past Friday almost immediately. We texted for the first two days, then we started talking on the phone and FaceTiming by his request.

 

By the time we met, we had both expressed excitement in meeting. We had decided to go downtown to hang out, but I had agreed to meet a friend's girlfriend who was in town so he agreed to stopping by to meet my guy friend and his girlfriend. We spoke with them for about an hour and then went on to have our first date.

 

He paid for everything. We were already affectionate with each other, holding hands and kissing each other's cheeks. We ended up spending hours together, and he kissed me at the end of the night. He called me that night and told me what a great time he had and asked to see me the next day. I told him I also had a great time and I would love to see him.

 

I ended up at his place and we decided to become intimate. I spent the larger part of the day with him. I told him that it feels odd we've known each other for such a short amount of time because I feel like we've been talking longer. He told me something along similar lines. He called me again that night and we talked.

 

The next day, he called me in the afternoon to see if I could hang out and I told him I was busy spending time with my family. Then the next day, yesterday, we saw each other for the third time. So basically, we saw each other three times in the course of four days. (I'm on my winter break right now from college).

 

I went over to his house and he cooked for me and we watched television. We proceeded to become intimate and I had flashbacks to the two times I've been raped, so afterwards when we were laying there I became visibly upset (This is the first time that's ever happened to me, I guess I have PTSD or something? I don't know) I was sore for some reason and it reminded me of how I've felt after being assaulted. I was breathing heavy with my eyes closed trying to avoid having an anxiety attack. I couldn't answer him for a few moments while he was trying to ask what was wrong.

 

I reluctantly and vaguely told him what had made me upset, and he comforted me telling me he would never do anything to hurt me (even though i explained to him that i wasn't associating him with assault or anything) and he suggested we not be intimate anymore if it would help. I said that might be a good idea.

 

We proceeded to talk a lot about each other's pet peeves, weaknesses, etc. and ask each other questions. When I was leaving he kissed me and asked when he could see me again. I told him this is my last week until I go back to college but I can see him before then (it's only 40 minutes away though and he already told me he'd visit when I go back).

 

When I left and was on my way home, I don't know why I did this, I guess I was just freaking out. The thing is, I have gone on one coffee date with this other guy the day before I met this guy and this other guy has actually still been texting me, and has also expressed more serious interest in me. I, for the record, am not used to this. I have never had two men interested in taking things beyond a first date or hookup before at the same time on Tinder. So I guess I started feeling guilty about talking to this other guy; I know it's irrational because I've only just met either of them, but the way that Guy #1 has been talking to me, treating me, wanting to see me so much, I realized that I wanted to make things clear from the start. So I texted him "Do you want to be exclusive?"

 

Him: Right now?

 

Me: Yeah

 

Him: I'm not ready for that right now. We just met 3 days ago

 

Me: No, same here!!! I'm not ready for that either I just want to make sure we're on the same page since we're being intimate

 

Him: Just because we're having sex doesn't mean we need to be in a relationship

 

Me: *thumbs up*

Well I just got home, I hope you have a good night!

 

Him: Have a good night too okay

 

Me: Sorry if I made things weird

 

Him: No it's fine

 

...

 

For the record, I did not want to progress to exclusivity, but was just wanting to clarify since we've gotten pretty close so soon. I'm not in love, if we stopped talking I might only be a bit embarrassed that I had already gabbed to a couple of my friends about him. But I feel like this conversation was excruciatingly cringeworthy.

 

This morning, I noticed he unmatched me on Tinder...I doubt it means something since we weren't using Tinder to communicate. Sometimes I unmatch people once I have their information. I hope it doesn't mean anything. But my question is, did that painfully awkward text conversation ruin things? I feel like I've come across inadvertently as pushy and desperate. I wish I had never sent that message. I don't want him to feel pressured into anything, or that I'm the type of woman who would just want to settle down with anyone I had just met. I have a really good feeling about him in my gut. I just don't want to mess up anything more than I already have.

Edited January 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~T

[d0nnivain]

You were looking for confirmation that it was OK for you to date multiple people. However the way you phrased the Q, especially so soon after sharing such a personal trauma with him, freaked him out.

 

 

I'd reach out for a crisis counselor to see if you can get some professional insight into why you freaked out with this guy but not with other hook ups.

 

 

In the future, revise your assumptions. Never assume you are exclusive. the default is you are not unless you both talk about it & verbally agree to it. That way you don't have to ask Qs a man can misinterprets to mean that you are looking for an early relationship.

 

 

Go back to school. Enjoy your semester. Keep the good memories of this guy as a your break adventure & jettison the bad stuff.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

You were looking for confirmation that it was OK for you to date multiple people. However the way you phrased the Q, especially so soon after sharing such a personal trauma with him, freaked him out.

 

 

I'd reach out for a crisis counselor to see if you can get some professional insight into why you freaked out with this guy but not with other hook ups.

 

 

In the future, revise your assumptions. Never assume you are exclusive. the default is you are not unless you both talk about it & verbally agree to it. That way you don't have to ask Qs a man can misinterprets to mean that you are looking for an early relationship.

 

 

Go back to school. Enjoy your semester. Keep the good memories of this guy as a your break adventure & jettison the bad stuff.

 

So I shouldn't talk to him anymore or at least try to explain? I'll update you all to see if he says good morning to me or not but I really don't think he has dropped me.

[d0nnivain]

If he contacts you, conclude he's past whatever weirdness that was & move on. Harping on it will make it worse.

 

 

I doubt you will hear from him but no you should not reach out to him. Absolutely do not chase.

[stillafool]

What would he feel pressured about? You made it clear you didn't want exclusivity and so did he. He was probably more freaked out about your anxiety over prior rapes. You made it clear to him that you wanted nothing more than a FWB and he seemed fine with it. Now you can continue dating the other man because this one does not want to get serious but it doesn't sound like you do either.

[stillafool]

So I shouldn't talk to him anymore or at least try to explain? I'll update you all to see if he says good morning to me or not but I really don't think he has dropped me.

 

Talk to him about what? You were very clear when you last talked. I agree with dOnnivain that you should get counseling for your rape anxiety.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

What would he feel pressured about? You made it clear you didn't want exclusivity and so did he. He was probably more freaked out about your anxiety over prior rapes. You made it clear to him that you wanted nothing more than a FWB and he seemed fine with it. Now you can continue dating the other man because this one does not want to get serious but it doesn't sound like you do either.

 

I do want to get serious. And I think he does too later on, hence the "Right now". He's already alluded to meeting my family and we had planned on him meeting my best friend this week. But neither of us are ready for it. I hope I didn't give off the vibe I want to be FWB because that's the last thing I want.

[d0nnivain]

I hope I didn't give off the vibe I want to be FWB because that's the last thing I want.

 

 

No you did not give off that vibe.

 

 

He seemed sensitive to your past trauma but then you immediately started asking about exclusivity. Although you explained that you were confirming that you two are not exclusive, he didn't "hear" that. He heard a broken woman looking to him to save her. I know that is not who you are or what you want but I promise you that is what he thinks. He couldn't hear / perceive much after the word exclusive because he was too busy being freaked out about it. The combo made him want to run for the hills, hence the unmatching with you on the dating App. He has wrongly concluded that you are coo-coo / too much drama.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

We actually did talk this morning.

[d0nnivain]

Fabulous! then carry on but don't bring it up unless he does.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Hi everyone,

 

Long story short, I met a guy on Tinder, things were great at first, he was initiating everything, wanted to hang out every day, but I sent him a text asking if he wanted us to be exclusive ("Do you want us to be exclusive?") and he freaked out. Mind you this was after only a few times seeing each other. i didn't want to be exclusive yet, for the record, I just wasn't sure where his head was at because it felt like things were moving fast. I now understand this was a mistake and I vow never to make it again.

 

We talked about it the next night extensively and no matter what I said, he says he just doesn't feel as strongly about me anymore and doesn't think he'll want a relationship now. (Even though just that morning he was asking me if my parents would care about his race/ethnicity, and had actually apologized when I had told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore because he wasn't listening to me). Another thing that happened is I thought he was ignoring me and came across as needy over text message, which also turned him off. He also tells me I overthink (this is true) and it annoys him.

 

We ended up meeting in person yesterday. I accepted there's pretty much nothing I can do to change it and he said maybe he just needs some time. I told him I'm not having sex with him and he accepted it. He definitely acted different during this meeting, not affectionate or anything and it was clear to me that things had changed. But he walked me to my bus stop to go home, and as we were waiting, he became affectionate. He also held my hand on the way to the bus stop. This could also just be a guy being horny thing, so I don't know. But basically, when I got home, he started texting me as usual asking me what I'm doing, etc. I haven't heard from him since yesterday afternoon now, it's like 5AM the next day now. I guess I have some hope I can fix things since he's still talking to me?

 

To those asking why I'm still dealing with guy, I don't know. I mean, this is a distraction to my busy life. (I'm 22 and he's 27), but this is also the first time someone online showed that much interest in me and I actually liked after not having a first date go anywhere in two years. I feel like I messed things up and I want to fix them. Do I give him some space and then play hard to get, act aloof, etc.? I'm not the needy, clingy person he thinks I am. He has this idea that I like him sooo much more than he likes me, and the thing is, he has this ego now that clearly has him thinking I'm lower value. I just wish I could change that.

Edited January 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clarity

[nothingsintheflowerz]

I'm actually thinking of ignoring his texts and calls for three or four days and then coolly responding next week, saying I've been busy. This way he feels as though I'm not clingy and worried about what he's doing/have my own life. Is that a good idea?

[Cookiesandough]

Hi. I read your other thread. I don't think asking for exclusivity was clingy or needy at the stage you were at. It shouldn't have scared him off. Did you ever ask this guy what he wanted as far as his dating goals? I think you guys just want different things.

 

With that being said, if you want to keep seeing this guy, definitely pull back. Do not initiate contact at all. The more you push, the more he will run away. He is already on alert to the fact your goals are not aligned and this is troubling him. If you come forward, he will move back. Let him come to you. You have to be prepared to lose him. Chances are, he will come back wanting to at least hook up. Now if you were to ask me if you should do this, I would say absolutely not for your well-being and goals. There's a way better guy for you out there who'd be freaking grateful to have you all to himself and vice versa

Edited January 19, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Hi. I read your other thread. I don't think asking for exclusivity was clingy or needy at the stage you were at. It shouldn't have scared him off. Did you ever ask this guy what he wanted as far as his dating goals? I think you guys just want different things.

 

With that being said, if you want to keep seeing this guy, definitely pull back. Do not initiate contact at all. The more you push, the more he will run away. He is already on alert to the fact your goals are not aligned and this is troubling him. If you come forward, he will move back. Let him come to you. You have to be prepared to lose him. Chances are, he will come back wanting to at least hook up. Now if you were to ask me if you should do this, I would say absolutely not for your well-being and goals. There's a way better guy for you out there who'd be freaking grateful to have you all to himself and vice versa

 

We had definitely discussed wanting something more serious down the line; he was looking for something more than a FWB, though I can tell that's what he thinks he'll be able to make me into now. I definitely will *not* be hooking up with him, as I've learned my lesson about that by now. If he asks to hang out, should I tell him I'm busy? Should I avoid him a bit or is it enough just to not initiate contact?

[Gaeta]

This guy was not interested since day 1. You need to accept it and let him go. You are wasting your precious time.

 

There is no such a thing as scaring someone away, people are into you or they're not and this guy was not into you, it's written all over your last thread and this one.

 

Move on and find someone that does want to spend time with you.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

This guy was not interested since day 1. You need to accept it and let him go. You are wasting your precious time.

 

There is no such a thing as scaring someone away, people are into you or they're not and this guy was not into you, it's written all over your last thread and this one.

 

Move on and find someone that does want to spend time with you.

 

Why did he repeatedly tell me he liked me then?

[Cookiesandough]

Just looking at it objectively. His response doesn't sound like someone interested considering the physical and emotional intimacy you shared. I don't think it was so unusual/premature to warrant the response he gave. If a relationship were on the table, I do not think he would have reacted this way at all. I get the appeal of thinking if you had not said this one thing, or texted that one time, he wouldn't have lost interest, but the truth is it doesn't work that way. And for good reason. i can't imagine having a relationship with someone whose interest in me dangled by something as benign as a double text. I mean acting busy/disinterested can work short term, but that's about as far as it goes.

 

Nevertheless, since your strategy is to try to game him into being interested, it wouldn't hurt to say you are busy. Better yet, be busy. You're not exclusive, so go out with the other dude. Have a good time.

[Cookiesandough]

He could have been lying about being on there wanting a relationship at all

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Okay. I'm feeling a lot better. I'm going to live! I have bipolar disorder so when things like this happen, I tend to become really depressed...possibly more than a healthy person would. I've been wallowing in self-pity the past two days, but this morning I got up with a sense of purpose and am feeling a lot better. I'm on my Winter Break going back to school in a few days, and I feel as though this was just a winter break rendezvous that did not go anywhere. That's the mentality I'll have and I'll focus on myself from now on. I deserve more than a guy that outright tells me he doesn't like me as much, and more than a guy who is dishonest about his intentions from the beginning.

[Gaeta]

Why did he repeatedly tell me he liked me then?

 

You're mistaking me with someone else, I did not participate to your last thread. We're a few people on here with our dog for avatar.

[Cookiesandough]

Glad you're feeling better!!!! Yeah, I wouldn't tiptoe around being you, because you need someone who is going to accept all of you, anxieties and ups and downs. You want someone patient and understanding. I think sometimes people do go at different paces, but the right one would no way been that quick to cut and run.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

You're mistaking me with someone else, I did not participate to your last thread. We're a few people on here with our dog for avatar.

 

When I say "he" I'm referring to this guy I'm dating, not another user.

[Gaeta]

When I say "he" I'm referring to this guy I'm dating, not another user.

 

OH so sorry for the confusion! I'm weaning off coffee!

 

To answer your question. He says he likes you doesn't mean much. He liked you enough to have sex with you, that kind of liking. You're a good person, that kind of liking. It doesn't mean I like you and want to date you.

 

So he liked you in a platonic way but nothing more, you need to accept it and move on. This will happen often till you meet a guy that you like and he likes you back.

 

This guy here was nice toward you at the bus stop just to be nice. He has no intention of thinking about it, he just didn't want to be unkind to you. Never try to convince someone to like you more or to date you. It all should come naturally.

 

I suggest you don't keep on communicating with him. He's doing it only to kill time and to boost his ego. On your end you are wasting brain and heart energy on a man that doesn't care.

[Lamartine]

I think he panicked a little because things moved so fast.

 

I can't tell what his level of interest is now.

 

However, I think that you need to let him lead at this point. Do not initiate contact or ask to see him. Let him set the pace for a while. If he is truly interested you, he will come around. But the more you try, the more you will push him away. I know it's a double standard, but it tends to be true.

 

See friends; study; hang out with family; date other guys for now. The busier you are, the less you will think about and be tempted to contact him.

 

You are so young! This may work out, but, if it doesn't you have plenty of time to meet someone wonderful...and you will.

[Lamartine]

Okay. I'm feeling a lot better. I'm going to live! I have bipolar disorder so when things like this happen, I tend to become really depressed...possibly more than a healthy person would. I've been wallowing in self-pity the past two days, but this morning I got up with a sense of purpose and am feeling a lot better. I'm on my Winter Break going back to school in a few days, and I feel as though this was just a winter break rendezvous that did not go anywhere. That's the mentality I'll have and I'll focus on myself from now on. I deserve more than a guy that outright tells me he doesn't like me as much, and more than a guy who is dishonest about his intentions from the beginning.

 

You DO deserve better than that. I suffer from depression, so I know how these events impact us more than other people. That said, I've been through many break ups and a divorce. Often, it seemed like things would never get better. However, with time, they always do. You are young, smart, and kind. The right person will see this and love you for the wonderful person you are.