Stopme Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 So I've been through some stuff but this is very unsettling and sad. I've been seeing a guy for only about two months and only a handful of times but we have been texting daily. We haven't seen much of each other because of Xmas/New Year/family stuff/holidays etc. He has told me he is keen on me, in so many words. A major red flag for me is he drinks too much. Everything else is great. Could he change and stop or reduce drinking? I was thinking about talking to him about this but something terrible happened. I actually had an identical dream two nights in a row. It was very quick, like a sudden nightmare. All it was about was a coffin and a funeral sign. Two days after this the guy's mother died of a massive stroke. It was very sudden and unexpected. Now he is a little unstable to start with and so this bereavement is not going to help his drinking issue. I don't want to let him down at this awful time so I have decided to be there as a friend to support him through his grief if that is what he needs. I just don't want him to get too attached as his drinking is a red flag. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 You should never enter a relationship expecting someone to change. It's never a good idea. And drinking too much, is definitely a deal breaker for me. I will say, when my mum passed away it rocked our world for years to come... be there if you wish, as a friend. But know, it is a difficult thing to cope with. It may well cause more drinking. It will also affect any relationships he has for quite some time. Be careful. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stopme Posted January 16, 2018 Author Share Posted January 16, 2018 Thanks, yes its a bit of an issue. Whatever his drinking is about, this loss will not help Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 While offering support is nice, I don't think you should friend zone him without telling him. He'll be thinking you're a girlfriend while you'll know it's not true. Then he'll find out and be justifiably angry for you having strung him along. Anyway, people can slow down their drinking and change habits. But they have to want to change. It's perfectly acceptable to say "I really like you, but I'm having doubts about my compatibility with your lifestyle". He can make a choice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stopme Posted January 16, 2018 Author Share Posted January 16, 2018 Hi Basil, I'm not friendzoning him, we are only friends anyway at this early stage, i.e. haven't slept together. I don't consider us to be in a relationship or boyfriend/girlfriend as yet. Whilst I have been texting him to show my support, I don't want to do anything else as it is probably intrusive as he is with his family whom I have never met. I told him we could catch up or talk on the phone if he felt up to it. Not sure there's much more I should do. We've only just started to get to know each other, hence the point of this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 16, 2018 Share Posted January 16, 2018 Lot's of people drink more at the holidays. I know I do. So the time of year may be a factor. If the pattern continues then you know it's an issue. People react to death differently. You don't know him well enough to predict his reaction. What you are doing -- being supportive & being a friend -- is about all there is. Did you go to the wake / services? Did you pay respects in any way? Some people need the ritual. Link to post Share on other sites
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