Is he too much or am I just cold?

[Cookiesandough]

I hate myself. Today I had a coffee date. I thought the guy was hot. He's looking like better looking Jon Snow. Plus, we seem to have similar personalities/a lot in common. So yes, I am going to go home with him like he asked and yes I will make out with him, I'm not going to lie. He texted me his address and he's all over social media. I felt safe.

 

He gives me 0 creepy vibes at all throughout the night. In fact, he was so hot and cool I was almost wondering how I was able to get this date.

 

At the end I said I need to go... and he keeps saying "just stay the night" I said "...I don't think it's a good idea, I don't want to be a ****tease, and I'm not sleeping with you..." He says "You wouldn't be. I literally just want to sleep with you. blah blah blah" (You know the drill) But at this point he's just a persistent, horny dude. I'm not creeped out and I'm kind of considering just staying the night and making out with him, but this time I'm firm and say no I gotta go.

 

We kiss goodbye and he says "God, I'm in trouble" and starts getting weird. He says "I feel like I need to say something but I don't want to screw this up" So I'm getting progressively more frightened and try to play it off with a joke. He says "Wait, what do you think about us? Where do you see this going?" I met him 4 hours ago. This starts reminding me of the creepy stuff I would pull with guys but this guy is semi serious

 

I stupidly say we should stay hanging out but I need to go really asap. He asks for a date tomorrow. I'm sorry but no -- I've already seen you today. As this thought crosses my mind, he's making a plans for the dinner we're having aloud. I say "MAYBE."

"We'll see."

 

He tells me to text him I got home safe. That's fine, but the whole time I keep thinking how it's actually right now that I don't feel safe. And I can't wait to just be away from him. It's so strange. How do you flip like that? Going from passionately attracted to someone to ....not.

 

He text more and made it worse. Now as I get in my car I'm just grossed out. I don't know why but I just feel disgusted.

 

"Words can't possibly do tonight the justice it deserves"

"Please text me when you're home safe"

 

I feel like aw sh*t, I gotta text this guy I'm safe. It's bad weather and he might think I died. I text him one last adieu "I'm safe!!! Thank you. I agree it was awesome. Good night"

 

"Can I see you tomorrow night?"

*selfie*

I even cleaned off my nightstand for you"

*selfie with him and nightstand*

"My apologies for pushing the sleeping over thing, you just felt so good against me and I didn't want it to end. So I'm sorry for that. I hope I didn't make you feel uncomfortable. That being said, I'm in no hurry to take things farther sexually. I just wanted youto sleep next to me so I could hold you close and run my fingers through your hair"

"I absolutely want to spend more time with you sooner rather than later and get to know everything about you."

"Goodnight, xxxxx. Sweet dreams"

 

The creepy selfies just did it in for me. It's so weird it can do a 180 like that with just...personality. Go from out of your league, super hot in your mind, to....this feeling I have that I need a hot shower. I cannot think of anything to say to this guy and I raelly dont want to see him again. My question is really curiosity about if this is lovebombing or maybe just being "too nice"/white knightish and a good reason to not see him again (that other women have experienced) or is that just romance and I am just being emotionally avoidant??

Edited January 15, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[Maggie4]

I suspect you are picking up aggression behind his mask of sweet words. When you said no to going home with him, he did not like it. He wants control. So he did all he can to "win". Maybe you feel unsafe because you picked up an unfriendly element.

[Cookiesandough]

That's sweet?

 

I feel like "goodnight beautiful" is sweet. This seems more psycho, but maybe it's just me.

 

But you may very well be right about me picking up on something predatory. Thank you so much for your perspective.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would not see this guy again. He is far too pushy and just wants a warm body next to him; doesn't matter to him whatsoever that he barely even knows you.

 

Next.

[Cookiesandough]

I would not see this guy again. He is far too pushy and just wants a warm body next to him; doesn't matter to him whatsoever that he barely even knows you.

 

Next.

 

thank you so much. I am definitely not seeing him again. I am turned off but I really needed to hear it was warranted because I'm usually the "wrong" one. I appreciate it.

Edited January 15, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[Lorenza]

A thread about some creepy smothering dude, and you start it by "I hate myself". What exactly do you hate about yourself in this situation?

[Cookiesandough]

It's just a general statement about how I feel about my life regarding dating. Nothing can ever go right for me. I still feel like I am fck up and lead him on because

 

 

1. I kept telling him he was super attractive (which was how I felt at the time)

2. I said maybe we can have dinner because didn't want to damper enthusiasm

3. I told him I had a great night(almost reflexive after dates at this point)

4. I told him we should keep hanging out

5. I made out with him.

6. Now I have to ghost him or lie and explain somehow I was bull****ing everything since the beginning. Telling him he got creepy is too mean. So I have to ghost him.

Edited January 15, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[Lorenza]

Dating always goes bad for me one way or another. Nothing can ever go right for me. I still feel like I am fck up and lead him on because

 

 

1. I kept telling him he was super attractive (which was how I felt at the time)

2. I said maybe we can have dinner because didn't want to damper enthusiasm

3. I told him I had a great night(almost reflexive after dates at this point)

4. I told him we should keep hanging out

5. I made out with him.

6. Now I have to ghost him.

 

I still think you should be taking care of your mental health and getting into therapy first instead of dating. Why would dating suddenly work for you, if nothing inside you has changed? If you cook a meal and it tastes too salty, do you continue adding the same amount of salt everytime and expect your meal to taste right?

Your personal problems will always affect the choices you make in dating and it won't change until you deal with them.

 

A lot of people told you that in a lot of different threads. But you seem to prioritize your little adventures (that seem to do even more damage to you) over your own mental state, why?

[MaleIntuition]

A better looking Jon Snow huh?

 

So first you had coffee during the day and then you had the second “date” at his place during the same evening? I suppose that could be a bit confusing for him since that behaviour is normally associated with someone looking for a hookup.

 

You keep saying that you are looking for a connection? Your behaviour is more consistent with someone constantly looking for External Validation. Contacting the guy from a few months ago just to bail on him when he shows interest again - validation. Hot guy desires you - validation. I think this is common among those who have their self esteem defined by others and is probably linked with a severe fear of social rejection.

[LoverOfDance]

He honestly doesn't sound creepy to me. He sounds more lonely than creepy. Then again I wasn't there. You're the one who had the experience. Seems like you also lead him on by telling him you were super attracted to him.

 

I think that if dating is making you feel really crappy on the inside, maybe you should take a break, breathe a little then come back when you feel better.

[act00]

Don't go to a man's house so fast. Clothes have a habit of coming off. Stay out of places that lead to temptation (you as much as him). Him not wanting you to leave seems quite normal when things are going so well. Hell, I wouldn't want to leave but would because...well...not interested in the sex or the temptation just yet. There's a difference between "Please stay" and physically blocking you from leaving.

 

You can easily make out in the parking lot for a bit before moving on. You put up an easy boundary by not going to the house yet. Go out a couple more times before you go to his place or he to yours. Get a better feel.

 

While he came on a little strong with wondering where you saw the two of you as a couple, I'm not sure I see anything too terribly alarming, but obviously I wasn't there, so I don't know. I do know that you have a habit of running away the second things seem to go well. You don't feel like going out or talking, so you make up some excuse, including travel for work for a month, and then you wonder why they stop contacting you. Rinse and repeat. I don't know what you're doing or what's creating this block, but it seems you self-sabotage more than anything.

 

This guy has gone from awesome to creep in a couple hours, and I wouldn't expect you to continue after this, but it's honestly hard to tell if this guy was genuinely a creep or things got hot and heavy and you hit it off, and he simply wanted to keep you around. The way you duck and run, it's hard to tell.

[Art_Critic]

He is too much and only wanted to get his noodle wet...

 

Chances are if you have "slept" with him he would have tried to pressure you to get your panties off and most likely would have, then he would have ghosted you after leaving some of his DNA with you.

 

Don't look back with this guy

[jjgitties]

The selfies and the all over social media thing sounds a little creepy (but what the hell do i know, i am not of the generation that live and breathe social).

 

the other stuff, well, it sort of sounds like he's a player and yes, was trying to get you to sleep with him that night.

 

you also did admit you found him very physically attractive and you told him how attractive he is in person on your first day, right? well, isn't that sort of a "i would like to have sex with you" way of putting it?

 

i mean think about it, if we met in person and I told you on the first day, "you are super hot and have a great body".. well, that's not me saying lets keep having starbucks coffees all night and talk about art.. thats me saying i was to sleep with you. duh..

[bachdude]

Cookie, a general rule I think you know...if you go back to a guy’s place, there is a high probability he will take it as a consent for sex. Be smart out there.

 

Having said that, I think he just lost control of his enthusiasm and his hormones.

 

I think it’s pretty clear what cookie wants. She wants a guy that is totally hot but aloof, a bit stand offish, does the initiating but gives the vib he can take or leave the relationship, leaves cookie wondering where she stands, and so on...

 

It seems to be the only way she can stay interested. It’s actually not that different from what attracts a lot of women in the beginning stages of dating, it’s just she just feels it very intensely.

 

I wonder, cookie, if there is ever a point in a relationship, after progressing a while, where you don’t get turned off when a guy starts getting all starry eyed? Can you take it after a month, two months?

Edited January 15, 2018 by bachdude

[Mystyry]

A comment of "I want to say something, but afraid to screw it up" caught my eye. He does seem like he came in way too strong, seemed very interested in just someone to cuddle/make out even with no sex - could there be something else (some baggage) behind that comment?

 

This behavior would put me off as well. You literally just met him a few hours before he started asking where you see that going. Moreover, you did a balance sheet of risk-reward, so-to-speak, in your head, and decided he is safe enough to go over to his house with. Then he turns from a well-adjusted person to a semi-creep. He may have meant it well, but I understand how it totally changed the vibe.

[joseb]

1. Take a break from. Dating. Work on being comfortable on your own, with no dates planned.

 

2. When you do go back dating (in 6 months, a year, whenever) don't go to guys houses unless you really desperately need to have sex.

[Chilli]

The stress , Man am l glad l never do the date thing.

[Versacehottie]

Can I save everyone the trouble of participating on your thread and the ending we all know by now: block him because that's what you would do no matter the circumstances.

 

*and yes he sounded a little creepy, maybe more horny than creepy but now clingy. That's how you were on a date with someone better looking than jon snow. Flaws, everyone's got them

[d0nnivain]

Cookiesanddough

 

 

Here on LS I have seen you be quite insightful when it comes to other people's issues but my sense has usually been that you have little insight when it comes to your own life. Most of us can't self diagnose which is part of what we're doing here.

 

So I have a couple of observations:

 

1. If he was "the right guy" none of this would be bugging you & you'd be all happy that he sent so many pictures.

 

2. If you are not going to see him again, don't ghost him. You claim you don't want to tell him the selfies & the pressure were creepy because that is mean. It's not. Ghosting him is mean. You don't have to share every detail but have the courtesy to say No this isn't working for me.

 

3. Put more limits on yourself. You drew the line at no sex & you had enough sense to go home not cuddle with him but you really had no business being in his house so early. If you were down for making out you could have found a car, a park bench, a movie theater, a dark corner in a bar or some other public / private place that wasn't anybody's house.

 

4. I didn't get creepy so much as clueless & maybe a little sad. You went pretty fast so he though it was OK to match your speed. Had you held back more or put on the brakes sooner, he may not have been so forthcoming with the pressure.

 

All in all if you are not feeling it, you are not feeling it & you are right to say no to a 2nd date but please don't ghost the poor guy. You wouldn't want a man to treat you so discourteously. Don't do it to him.

[dude360]

This is the kinda dude that will kidnap all your family members, torture them and make you watch him burn them before he does the same to you all because you broke up with him.

 

Remember, serial killers and psychopaths can be very attractive too.

[Popsicle]

I like lovebombing. I might not even like a dude if he didn’t do it after we had a great date. To each her own I guess.

 

He sounds great to me. He didn’t do anything wrong. I wouldn’t have gone over to his house first date though.

Edited January 15, 2018 by Popsicle

[BaileyB]

You just met this guy, for coffee.

 

And he wants you to come back to his house to sleep next to him. No way.

 

And the way that he didn't want to take no for an answer... not cool.

[Popsicle]

She might have been flirting by chat and sent him sexy pics. That tends to get guys mental juices flowing.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It's just a general statement about how I feel about my life regarding dating. Nothing can ever go right for me. I still feel like I am fck up and lead him on because

 

 

1. I kept telling him he was super attractive (which was how I felt at the time)

2. I said maybe we can have dinner because didn't want to damper enthusiasm

3. I told him I had a great night(almost reflexive after dates at this point)

4. I told him we should keep hanging out

5. I made out with him.

6. Now I have to ghost him or lie and explain somehow I was bull****ing everything since the beginning. Telling him he got creepy is too mean. So I have to ghost him.

 

You don't have to ghost him. You can simply tell him he came on too strong. I think you were spot on about the "love bombing."

 

And yes, YOU need to be more reserved moving forward. You led him on big time. (I have been guilty of doing this, especially if drinks were involved, so I'm not trying to make you feel bad). Make rules for yourself before you even go on the date.

[Popsicle]

Pic sending just makes guys jerk off. Don’t do it. You already have pics up on dating profile.

 

But then again, maybe you were ok with things going in that direction. Less heart, more control. Then he showed some feeling (after you rejected him) and now you’re turned off.

 

Some guys will be cool with being dickteased forever, but others will not.