Open relationships and old crushes

[doeblin]

I am in love with my new girlfriend. We've only been together for a couple of months, it's still the honeymoon phase, we constantly want to be with each other. The lovemaking is as passionate as it could be. We say 'I love you' every day. It's like we are star-crossed teenagers or something. It feels magical. And before I get into it, it still feels magical.

 

So around the 4th - 5th week the question of exclusivity came up.

 

 

She said she wants to be open, but she only truly loves me. That "what we have is rare".

 

 

I finally said I am fine with being open. (I truly am. This might be what my previous serious relationship was missing. Though my first knee-jerk reaction was "wtf where did this come from?")

 

 

I thought we are going to have several other conversations about this before anything could happen, but...

 

a couple of days later

 

 

"Remember the talk we had? Well, I might not be able to see you for a few days, because someone is going to visit me and stay at my place. I am not sure which week yet"

 

Um what? It seems like I'm being presented with facts.

 

"Well I've known Jean-Paul for a while know, but he lives a 1000 miles away. We talk a lot. We have been planning this for months and months. You came in the picture after."

 

I said I rationally understand this situation, but I still feel somehow uneasy about this. And why is he staying at your place?

 

"I asked him if he booked a hotel or wants to stay at my place, and he said he'd rather stay at my place"

Of course he said that, he wants to have sex with you. Are you going to have sex with him?

 

"I don't know. Maybe not."

 

Maybe not?! So there is a good chance.

 

"Well he is visiting because we like each other." (The smile on her face made me even more nervous)

 

Listen, I honestly am fine with being open. I don't know why, but I just somehow feel uneasy about this particular situation. Even though I understand that from Jean-Paul's point of view I am the new guy. And I'm not going to tell you two what to do. We are all adults.

 

"We might not even like each other IRL. I plan to sleep in a different room. It's not certain at all that something will happen. It could just be like a friend couchsurfing at my place. There is a good chance he doesn't even worth this conversation."

 

Then I remembered that I've seen signs of jealousy on her when the question of other women came up. So I asked: How would you feel if the reverse would happen?

 

Then she fell silent.

 

She said she doesn't want to hurt me, but the plans been made for a while and she didn't want to cancel. That she was as straightforward about this as she could be.

 

At this point she had tears in her eyes.

 

She said it just might be a terrible weekend, because she is going to miss me so much.

 

 

I finally said: it's okay, but I don't know yet how I'm going to feel when the time actually comes and Jean-Paul's plane lands.

 

How do I deal with this? What do I do with my emotions?

 

How should I behave when Jean-Paul comes? Do I go no contact for those days?

[lolgorgeous]

"She said she wants to be open, but she only truly loves me"

 

Ugh, what a mess. No. No, no and hell no. If she truly loved you, she would not be seeing another guy. She is lying and manipulating you. If she loved you, she would want to be exclusive with you.

 

You should never be cool with your love seeing other men. You are weak in her eyes. Go NC and never look back.

 

Please spare yourself the agony.

[doeblin]

She is lying and manipulating you.

 

Why though? Everything was above board.

 

 

If she loved you, she would want to be exclusive with you.

 

I just want to ask that if your starting assumption is that open relationships and love are contradictions, then refrain from commenting on this thread.

[morrowrd]

This isn't a true "in-love" relationship. I'm guessing she is attracted to you, likes you a lot, but if she loved you, I don't think she'd risk losing you just to date others. I wouldn't be surprised if the things she tells you, she tells the other men that she's also in an "open relationship" with.

 

You decide what you want though. I don't believe you if you say you're alright with an open relationship with a girl you're in love with. I certainly wouldn't be if I was in your shoes.

[lolgorgeous]

Why though? Everything was above board.

 

 

 

 

I just want to ask that if your starting assumption is that open relationships and love are contradictions, then refrain from commenting on this thread.

Sure, I'll explain.

 

She said that she "loves" you, and that what you have is "rare."

 

I wouldn't be shocked if she was telling this other guy the exact same thing.

 

Did you bring up the topic of exclusivity, or did she? If you want to be exclusive, she just told you that she doesn't want that. If you're uneasy about her seeing another guy, then it seems to me like you lover her and want to be exclusive with her.

 

If open relationships are fine with you, then you should not feel uneasy with her seeing another man.

[todreaminblue]

messy.....this is where people write relationship status"its complicated".....

 

if ti were truly an open relationship then jealousy isn't in the picture.....she got jealous and had tears in her eyes and said she will miss you so much....isnt a relationship whatever form it is supposed to make you feel good....you aren't too comfortable with the situation as is either.....you know it feels off.....

 

whats going to happen is she is going to choose one of you..she gets jealous she isnt suited to an open relationship unless it was all on her side...so open for her and not for you......rare love isnt something you share....

 

she stated she may not like him in real life so she is keeping her options open by having you as a runner up......if she is having him at her house the first time they have ever met in real life what does that say to you?

 

as other posters have written ......you ought to be careful......you had a talk about exclusiveness.....you can bet on the fact she wants you to eb exclusive..make a date with another woman and tell her your plans......and find out how open she is to you being open.......open relationship in my world means that you have sex with other people....and it isnt ruled out with her is it?...how does that really make you feel coming in second.....after this jean paul......deb

[doeblin]

If open relationships are fine with you, then you should not feel uneasy with her seeing another man.

 

I didn't want to write a novel so this is the abridged version of the truth. I am fine with her having casual sex with someone else. We even talked about including a particular person. I am looking forward to it. I don't know why you don't believe me.

 

It's only Jean-Paul I don't like for some reason, but I already am getting over my first emotional reaction.

 

Did you bring up the topic of exclusivity, or did she?

 

I didn't say I want to be exclusive. She just said her preference is polyamorous.

 

If you're uneasy about her seeing another guy, then it seems to me like you lover her

 

Hell, she is even more uneasy about my womanizing past. She even admitted that she is not super-cool about the idea of me having sex with someone else. But she'll get over it.

I think in the honeymoon phase people are a little bit more possessive than usual. This will pass.

 

 

Again, please If you already believed that open relationships don't work even before you clicked on this thread, please refrain from commenting, because I know what you'll say. That open relationships don't work. I get it. I think otherwise.

[doeblin]

if she is having him at her house the first time they have ever met in real life what does that say to you?

 

Having friends from abroad staying at your place instead of booking a hotel room is not unheard of. Especially not in her life. I think they have met in real life a couple of times, like a year ago.

 

Honestly once I've made this thread I am starting to be at peace with this situation.

[todreaminblue]

I didn't want to write a novel so this is the abridged version of the truth. I am fine with her having casual sex with someone else. We even talked about including a particular person. I am looking forward to it. I don't know why you don't believe me.

 

It's only Jean-Paul I don't like for some reason, but I already am getting over my first emotional reaction.

 

 

 

I didn't say I want to be exclusive. She just said her preference is polyamorous.

 

 

 

Hell, she is even more uneasy about my womanizing past. She even admitted that she is not super-cool about the idea of me having sex with someone else. But she'll get over it.

I think in the honeymoon phase people are a little bit more possessive than usual. This will pass.

 

 

Again, please If you already believed that open relationships don't work even before you clicked on this thread, please refrain from commenting, because I know what you'll say. That open relationships don't work. I get it. I think otherwise.

 

she'll get over it........if she has shown jealousy in the early stages of an open relationship then i have a really strong feeling she wont just get over it......im not going to say open relationships dont work....but i will say that you have to have no jealousy for them to possibly work.....deb

[todreaminblue]

Having friends from abroad staying at your place instead of booking a hotel room is not unheard of. Especially not in her life. I think they have met in real life a couple of times, like a year ago.

 

Honestly once I've made this thread I am starting to be at peace with this situation.

 

im glad you are at peace....i wish you well.....deb

[2much4]

It's only Jean-Paul I don't like for some reason, but I already am getting over my first emotional reaction.

 

Hell, she is even more uneasy about my womanizing past. She even admitted that she is not super-cool about the idea of me having sex with someone else. But she'll get over it.

I think in the honeymoon phase people are a little bit more possessive than usual. This will pass.

 

Just because you are in an open relationship doesn't mean you have to accept things that aren't ok for you. Or that you can't choose your limits. I know I wouldn't be too jealous about a one night stand with a stranger either, but I'd go absolutely nuts over dinner with an ex. If you have an issue with Jean-Paul you have to talk to her about it and find a compromise that works for both of you Maybe try to figure out why exactly you have a problem with this guy and not with other people.

 

Maybe discuss how much you'll tell each other about your "other people". If you want details. If you discuss it beforehand or if you just don't talk about it at all?

 

Honestly I don't really get why she'd want an open relationship if she's the jealous type. I wouldn't continue an open relationship if she's going to be the only one meeting other people and making a scene if you do the same.

[Stillits]

Well, the problem here seems to me to be that she had already planned for this guy to come stay at her place. She already knew this when talking to you about wanting an open relationship. Now, I don't think there's something wrong with open relationships if both people are on board with the idea, but it is a little weird timing that she brought this up just before she has some guy coming over. It seems like she just wants her cake and eat it, too. Like she thinks there might be a connection with this other guy, or thinks he's sexually attractive and she needs to know that if she acts on that when he's there, you can still be there as a back-up if things don't work out. That's my impression.

 

The timing just seems fishy and not like it was fully above board. Wouldn't someone wanting an open relationships come up on one of the first dates if you really hit it off, for the sake of full transparency?

[Interstellar]

I would’ve saved all my energy and simply smiled then wink at her and tell her to go ahead and have fun.

 

That wasn’t too hard now is it.

Edited January 14, 2018 by Interstellar

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Well, the problem here seems to me to be that she had already planned for this guy to come stay at her place. She already knew this when talking to you about wanting an open relationship. Now, I don't think there's something wrong with open relationships if both people are on board with the idea, but it is a little weird timing that she brought this up just before she has some guy coming over. It seems like she just wants her cake and eat it, too. Like she thinks there might be a connection with this other guy, or thinks he's sexually attractive and she needs to know that if she acts on that when he's there, you can still be there as a back-up if things don't work out. That's my impression.

 

The timing just seems fishy and not like it was fully above board. Wouldn't someone wanting an open relationships come up on one of the first dates if you really hit it off, for the sake of full transparency?

 

Yep. I agree. Odds are high that if she ends up not liking this guy she'll change her tune about wanting an open relationship after he leaves. She was keeping her options open until his visit so she could have both of you if she liked him.

[BluesPower]

Well, the problem here seems to me to be that she had already planned for this guy to come stay at her place. She already knew this when talking to you about wanting an open relationship. Now, I don't think there's something wrong with open relationships if both people are on board with the idea, but it is a little weird timing that she brought this up just before she has some guy coming over. It seems like she just wants her cake and eat it, too. Like she thinks there might be a connection with this other guy, or thinks he's sexually attractive and she needs to know that if she acts on that when he's there, you can still be there as a back-up if things don't work out. That's my impression.

 

The timing just seems fishy and not like it was fully above board. Wouldn't someone wanting an open relationships come up on one of the first dates if you really hit it off, for the sake of full transparency?

 

This is what the deal is... (Above)

 

Open relationships are fine if everyone wants them. But like this poster says, this is fishy.

 

So first I am saying, do not get too invested in her, at all. If she wants it to be open, ok, we can screw, but do not expect the type of emotional support that comes with an exclusive relationship.

 

And for god's sake use a condom at all times.

 

I am a guy that could easily deal with this, in a couple of ways. I have had multiple girl friends several times. The problem is that the women usually want you all to their self. And it usually goes to S*** after a while if you don't really feel strongly about one of them.

 

But here, she is imposing the open relationship on you, IMHO, and that is not cool.

 

And where and what are the rules? Are there any? Like for example, no staying with someone for a week? Is that something that bothers you?

 

But you are not exclusive so she is within her rights, and you are completely within your right to not see her. Or knock her down to FWB status.

 

And what bothers me the most is she is lying. She knows full well that she is going to screw this guy. She has had it planned for a while and she is looking forward to it.

 

Also, all of her "well we may not sleep together" is total crap.

 

You need to decide where you are at with her. And if you continue, be sure to line something up for her sex week.

 

And further, if this is where she wants to be, fine. Just be busy the next time she calls and let her know that you have a date.

 

Gauge her reaction from that...

[LoverOfDance]

You know something is not right but you won't listen to your gut. Don't say we didn't tell/warn you.

[Lorenza]

True love, challenged by her desire to bang other guys

 

If you're really ok with that, OP, this is a perfect chance to prove it. Give her your blessing and wish her to have fun with Jean-Pierre.

 

But you don't seem ok with this. If you decide to give this a go, remember, that Jean-Pierre is only one guy, there will be more.

[kgcolonel]

Doeblin,

 

I think there may some miscommunication here. You titled and referred this as an open relationship however later in your posts, you state that she prefers a poly relationship. These are very different....open as you state you are comfortable with are casual experiences however poly is having feelings for multiple people....sounds as if open is good for you but poly, not so much.

[ExpatInItaly]

Your first reaction to her suggestion of an open relationship - combined with your feelings about this particular guy coming to stay with her - tell you all you need to know.

 

You don't need to defend or justify it to us. But you do need to be honest with yourself in spite of what anyone here may think.

[jjgitties]

True love, challenged by her desire to bang other guys

 

If you're really ok with that, OP, this is a perfect chance to prove it. Give her your blessing and wish her to have fun with Jean-Pierre.

 

But you don't seem ok with this. If you decide to give this a go, remember, that Jean-Pierre is only one guy, there will be more.

 

^^ This!! This girl you love is compartmentalizing "love" from "sex" and "dating". Hence the "open relationship" request she put forth. She basically wants to keep dating and trying stuff out until someone better comes along.

 

There isn't much you can do to change her mind. She wants to do what she wants to do. You can either take this opportunity to do the same or tell her this isn't working for you. C'est la vie my friend.

[central]

Open relationships can work. I know from 18 years of experience. And it does not mean there is never any jealousy; sometimes there is, but you learn to control it, rather than let it control you. There are books and web sites that discuss this issue in detail, if you need help figuring it out.

 

I'd have no problem with the scenario presented, nor do I think it bodes poorly for the relationship. Besides, it's early days, so the relationship has a long way to develop. And being early days, OP can more easily end it if things don't work.

 

In OP's place, I'd just leave her and her friend alone for the weekend until she gets in touch, and I would see if I could find a date (but wouldn't worry about it if I didn't), or find something interesting or useful to do.

[kgcolonel]

I agree with Central here. OP should find a date and go have fun on his own. He also should wait for her to initiate further communication. I almost sense a concern of replacement and don’t really see any reassurance from his new girl that she’d like to back out of the pre-made plans.

 

On a separate note, I would avoid any discussion regarding closing the relationship for a while. It almost sounds as if the girl wants to “test drive” the other guy thus the poly comment and if it doesn’t pan out might likely want exclusivity. This is too opportunistic IMO.

[Highndry]

Open relationships can work. I know from 18 years of experience. And it does not mean there is never any jealousy; sometimes there is, but you learn to control it, rather than let it control you. There are books and web sites that discuss this issue in detail, if you need help figuring it out.

 

I'd have no problem with the scenario presented, nor do I think it bodes poorly for the relationship. Besides, it's early days, so the relationship has a long way to develop. And being early days, OP can more easily end it if things don't work.

 

In OP's place, I'd just leave her and her friend alone for the weekend until she gets in touch, and I would see if I could find a date (but wouldn't worry about it if I didn't), or find something interesting or useful to do.

 

I completely agree with this. If you're so fine with an open relationship, you should have no problem whatsoever with this guy coming to stay with her. The timing is perfect.

[afield934]

All I got to say is run. You are not 100% about being in an open relationship and that can potentially lead to a lot of problems. Which I think open relationships and polyamory can ruin people's perception dealing with people they are interested in

[Space Ritual]

I am in love with my new girlfriend. We've only been together for a couple of months, it's still the honeymoon phase, we constantly want to be with each other. The lovemaking is as passionate as it could be. We say 'I love you' every day. It's like we are star-crossed teenagers or something. It feels magical. And before I get into it, it still feels magical.

 

So around the 4th - 5th week the question of exclusivity came up.

 

 

She said she wants to be open, but she only truly loves me. That "what we have is rare".

 

 

I finally said I am fine with being open. (I truly am. This might be what my previous serious relationship was missing. Though my first knee-jerk reaction was "wtf where did this come from?")

 

 

I thought we are going to have several other conversations about this before anything could happen, but...

 

a couple of days later

 

 

"Remember the talk we had? Well, I might not be able to see you for a few days, because someone is going to visit me and stay at my place. I am not sure which week yet"

 

Um what? It seems like I'm being presented with facts.

 

"Well I've known Jean-Paul for a while know, but he lives a 1000 miles away. We talk a lot. We have been planning this for months and months. You came in the picture after."

 

I said I rationally understand this situation, but I still feel somehow uneasy about this. And why is he staying at your place?

 

"I asked him if he booked a hotel or wants to stay at my place, and he said he'd rather stay at my place"

Of course he said that, he wants to have sex with you. Are you going to have sex with him?

 

"I don't know. Maybe not."

 

Maybe not?! So there is a good chance.

 

"Well he is visiting because we like each other." (The smile on her face made me even more nervous)

 

Listen, I honestly am fine with being open. I don't know why, but I just somehow feel uneasy about this particular situation. Even though I understand that from Jean-Paul's point of view I am the new guy. And I'm not going to tell you two what to do. We are all adults.

 

"We might not even like each other IRL. I plan to sleep in a different room. It's not certain at all that something will happen. It could just be like a friend couchsurfing at my place. There is a good chance he doesn't even worth this conversation."

 

Then I remembered that I've seen signs of jealousy on her when the question of other women came up. So I asked: How would you feel if the reverse would happen?

 

Then she fell silent.

 

She said she doesn't want to hurt me, but the plans been made for a while and she didn't want to cancel. That she was as straightforward about this as she could be.

 

At this point she had tears in her eyes.

 

She said it just might be a terrible weekend, because she is going to miss me so much.

 

 

I finally said: it's okay, but I don't know yet how I'm going to feel when the time actually comes and Jean-Paul's plane lands.

 

How do I deal with this? What do I do with my emotions?

 

How should I behave when Jean-Paul comes? Do I go no contact for those days?

 

OP,

 

You need to look at your profile picture.

 

Would Tuco Salamanca put up with this? The second she said "You came in the picture after....."He'd have already had his boot up her ass propelling her toward the next town....

 

The next town and the boot.

 

Trust Space Ritual and Tuco Salamnca, we never steer you wrong...get your field goal leg stretching and get it done...today.