k_ra3012 Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 So my ex and I were in a steady relationship of 2 years. He was my best friend and I trust him with my life and all of my secrets. However, we ended badly as he thought I cheated on him and called me many foul names and threw me into a spiraling depression. It was all a misunderstanding and now months later we are okay "friends" I guess, but I still love him and he still loves me. I already moved into a new relationship with a guy that I love as well. He makes me laugh like no other and we've never had a problem. We've been together about 2 months now. He is the sweetest guy and I just can't hurt him. I'm torn between two loves; my ex and I swear he's my soulmate and my new lover who treats me better than anyone ever has before and I can open up to him no problem. But after all this time with every kiss and hug I can't stop comparing it to my ex. I know it's bad, but I don't know what to do. My ex and I recently talked and I poured out to him and he did the same..he suggested we start over as friends and maybe become more again one day. What do I do?? I can't hurt anyone..Do I leave my ex for good and see what the future holds if we cross paths? Or do I take him back in time? Do I stay with my new love? Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 (edited) That's a hard one to answer. I'd like to share an experience from my dating life, if I may: Many years ago I was dating this wonderful woman. We had been together about 2 years and I ended it. I was just being stupid and petty. A couple weeks passed and she called me on a Friday (after I got off work) and invited me over to her place to stay the night. Saturday morning came, I left and went about my day. Next Friday came and she invited me over, again. When Saturday morning came, she told me that I could come over any Friday I wanted to and go carousing on Saturday, etc. She told to go look for what ever I was missing or needed. After about two months of our "Happy Fridays" I fell back in love with her. What does your heart tell you?? I would not go back if you think ex is going to be (stupid and petty - like I was) about the whole cheating thing that didn't happen. Do you think he is past that and learned from his mistake?? You did say your ex was your soulmate, if that is true... those are hard to find. Edited January 14, 2018 by Happy Lemming Link to post Share on other sites
Author k_ra3012 Posted January 14, 2018 Author Share Posted January 14, 2018 Thank you so much for sharing that honestly! My heart is torn especially by my brain, but something is pulling me towards my ex and I'm not sure if it's because we were so close or because I'm scared to lose him Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 Thank you so much for sharing that honestly! My heart is torn especially by my brain, but something is pulling me towards my ex and I'm not sure if it's because we were so close or because I'm scared to lose him Has your ex apologized for his behavior?? Does he mean it?? Do you think it will happen again?? Sometimes we humans get angry and say things in a fit of anger that we don't really mean and really regret saying... Is this the case?? Does he admit he was being stupid and/or petty?? How long did it take for him to realize he was incorrect?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author k_ra3012 Posted January 14, 2018 Author Share Posted January 14, 2018 Yes he actually came to me devastated about the whole thing and apologized less than a month later Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 Yes he actually came to me devastated about the whole thing and apologized less than a month later Can you forgive him and never bring it up again?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author k_ra3012 Posted January 14, 2018 Author Share Posted January 14, 2018 Of course! Anything to fix what was broken Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 Of course! Anything to fix what was broken I guess you have your answer... and again I am basing my posts on your statement that he is your soulmate. As far as the other guy, he will hurt and heal... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
igotoverit Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 I guess you have your answer... and again I am basing my posts on your statement that he is your soulmate. As far as the other guy, he will hurt and heal... I hate to interrupt because Happy Lemmings advice was excellent, I just wanted to ad that you should never second guess yourself. Absolutley never remain in a relationship out of pitty. The kindest thing you can do for someone you may end up hurting, is be forward and honest. You only get one life so use it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dude360 Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 Stop fooling yourself. You don't really love the new guy. "He makes you laugh like no other, treats you like no other, yadda....yadda....yadda...." Then you would have dropped everything for him but no, you're still pining after your ex. Therefore you don't really love him. The only person you really love or at least have feelings for is your ex. Drop this new guy and go for your ex because we all know that's what you really wanna do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 This is what's going to happen: You're going to break up with this great new guy you're dating, he'll be very hurt, you'll go back to the ex, and then the ex is going to dump you in roughly the same manner he did the first time, and then you're going to kick yourself for the rest of your life because you let the wrong guy go. Why are people so blind? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
igotoverit Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 This is what's going to happen: You're going to break up with this great new guy you're dating, he'll be very hurt, you'll go back to the ex, and then the ex is going to dump you in roughly the same manner he did the first time, and then you're going to kick yourself for the rest of your life because you let the wrong guy go. Why are people so blind? Then she will find Mr right. The new guy isn't cutting it if she is having these feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Frogwife Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 This is why it is SO IMPORTANT to not jump into new relationships after breakups, especially ones that are painful/devastating (whether you are dumper or dumpee). I went through a terrible break up 3.5 years ago (I was dumped). I wanted (desperately) to be back with my ex for at least 2.5 years of the last 3.5 years ("Would have done anything" - paraphrasing your sentiment above) It wasn't until last summer - almost three years later - that I had finally processed everything, dealt with my ex, realized it was never going to be again and was finally had an open and clear heart to even think about dating. Don't string this new guy along - who would want to be with someone who is thinking about their ex when they are being kissed? Yikes! I would end this current relationship, deal with your ex if you think you can get back with him or whatever, but don't date until you've processed this last relationship. My two centimes. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 You are not in love with the new guy. You are on the rebound. Which makes me wonder about the ex too...do you love him really? Or just miss the relationship when it was good? How exactly did the ex get the idea you were cheating on him, to the point of verbally abusing you? My suggestion would be to break up with the new guy and cut contact with the ex. Spend some time alone and see where your head is at in 6 months or so. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 Two important principals apply here. 1. As a previous poster said, it’s better to hold off on starting another relationship until moving on from the previous heartbreak. We usually are not in the right frame of mind for a new relationship while still heartbroken. 2. Be extraordinary careful about going back to an ex who broke up with you, unless you want a repeat heartbreak. If it happened the first time, the odds of it happening again are high unless the underlying issues for the break up have been truly dealt with. IMHO 1 Link to post Share on other sites
igotoverit Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 Two important principals apply here. 1. As a previous poster said, it’s better to hold off on starting another relationship until moving on from the previous heartbreak. We usually are not in the right frame of mind for a new relationship while still heartbroken. 2. Be extraordinary careful about going back to an ex who broke up with you, unless you want a repeat heartbreak. If it happened the first time, the odds of it happening again are high unless the underlying issues for the break up have been truly dealt with. IMHO I know successful married partners that had been broken up first. He didn't ask to get back together, he asked if they would start off as friends. It is clear he doesn't want a repeat of the past either. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 I know successful married partners that had been broken up first. If I could reinforce your point, I've known of two couples that got divorced and then re-married a year or two later. One couple had a teenage daughter, in the other the children were grown and established. These individuals were acquaintances and not friends, so I don't know all of the intimate details. I can only assume that there must have been something still there to re-marry the ex-spouse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
igotoverit Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 (edited) If I could reinforce your point, I've known of two couples that got divorced and then re-married a year or two later. One couple had a teenage daughter, in the other the children were grown and established. These individuals were acquaintances and not friends, so I don't know all of the intimate details. I can only assume that there must have been something still there to re-marry the ex-spouse. He is also only suggesting they start off as friends so the situation with the ex might not turn into a relationship. There are other factors such as boundaries and how much do you want to know about his dating life, if he has one. From my personal experience, its closure and is better to know sometimes so she can move on. What concerns me is that you love him after two months. This new guy. Love takes depth and time so I assume it was a medaphore rather then you actually love him. I say that a lot "oh I love that" but you don't actually love him. Edited January 14, 2018 by igotoverit Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 OP, I recently experienced something that may be of help. I divorced my ex a while back. We re-connected and the period, during the holidays (ugh), we communicated, it was up and down. She had(s) a new bf. I suspect that this new relationship was a rebound knowing her personality and she confided in me that there were some difficulties in her current relationship. I did not chime in to influence her. In fact, when I reached out again, I had no idea she was in a relationship. Anyway, we spoke and there was plenty to hash out. I appreciated the time we had to do so. During this melee of back and forth, we both realized, any reconciliation would be extremely difficult. TOO much history that needed working out and neither of us in the same state to deal with them with any real observable consistency. We tried going back to NC 3-4x during this period and each time she would break it. She didn't want to let go. She was in turmoil and confused and believe me, it ripped my heart out to see her this way. She has had a pattern of co-dependent behavior from her past and that was a factor in our break-up. I couldn't take it any longer, so 'convinced' her that she needed to let me go. I am her past, so leave the past there. I hated it, but I love her too much to see her flail around and not be given the chance to heal and find, hopefully, someone new, better. I just hope she isn't settling. What I am saying is that, if you get back with your ex, what has changed to help reinforce a more positive environment, foundation? Is your current bf deficient in any way? You know what your ex is capable of and yes, people can change, but you don't have evidence of that right now. Why go back to what you know has not changed? Just my 2-cents. Good luck and I sympathize. If I were your ex and I loved you, I would let you heal and move on with your current bf. Interfering with your relationship is unfair in so many ways. Link to post Share on other sites
SpecialJ Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 Not enough details about the two relationships here for me to give advice on who to choose, but if you believe the new guy is better for you and not a rebound, you also have to remember that knowing someone for two months isn't the same as knowing someone for two years. You need to give the new guy time to actually build the relationship and foundation of trust to be able to compare him properly to an ex whom you've known for so much longer. You have to let go of your ex for now to be able to do that if you really want to be fair to yourself about deciding what's best for you. If you're obsessing over your ex, though, then the new relationship probably is a rebound, in which case it's more fair to let the new guy go (whether you rekindle with your ex or not). Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 I know successful married partners that had been broken up first. He didn't ask to get back together, he asked if they would start off as friends. It is clear he doesn't want a repeat of the past either. i think it’s better not to assume that. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 I just want you to acknowledge that there's a reason you broke up and even though you are now saying it was an invalid reason, the fact he thought you cheated on him is the underlying reason you are not acknowledging. Either he is too insecure and will always think you'd cheat (most guys like this assume you think like they do and would cheat if there was opportunity, so give that some thought too) OR something made him stop trusting you -- and once trust is gone, the relationship can never be the same. He may not be able to trust because of his own insecurity, or he may not ever be able to trust you because of something that fell short of cheating that he nonetheless considered crossing boundaries or having bad judgement. No one can tell you what to do. You haven't been with the new guy to fully know him. Sounds good so far, but the longer you're with him, the more flaws will come out. Plus you have already done something to undermine that relationship, which is communicating with your ex. So I'm not seeing anything lasting, unfortunately, with either one. Link to post Share on other sites
Boomerang3378 Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 I think you should try once again with your ex. But you need to detach yourself from your new love. You cannot do this without hurting him unfortunately. Most girls would start showing a cold behaviour towards a guy they would like to break up with. The guy starts to sense something wrong. So he asks the girl what the problem is and the girl pretends everything is alright. The girl starts to become less affectionate and grows more distant towards the guy. The guy is trying to figure out what is happening but cannot seem to understand. So he goes and does something careless: becomes angry/drinks and does something stupid/some other foolish act in anger.... The girl cleverly uses this then as a means and justification to breakup with the guy. When the guy asks why, she says that he has anger management issues and is too controlling/jealous etc. In this way, the girl has an edge and dumps the guy for these reasons. The guy has no clue whatsoever that he has been played all along and that it was the initial actions of the girl that caused him to do these things in the first place. The guy later on goes and cries to his friends and says things like: I took her for granted/i was too angry i scared her away/I screwed up etc Basically he thinks it was his fault in actuality it isn't. This above scenario and all of its variations takes place most of the time in majority of the "girl dumps guy" cases. But, sometimes, the guy really is a jealous and controlling freak that gets dumped by the girl. So OP, either you use the above scenario (not recommended) or you just straight up tell the new love that you would want to try things with your ex. In either way, he is going to get hurt in some way or the other. But I really think that you should try things with the ex once more. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 I will never understand why people who have been cheated on decide to stay in contact with the person who cheated on them. Link to post Share on other sites
Sbla22 Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 I dated a girl for 5 months who told me she loved me and I thought I loved her. She was in love with her ex still though - she never admitted it but slowly I discovered it. It started with noticing she text him/he text her pretty much every day. Then I found out he was one of her 'friends' she went climbing with 3 times a week. Then I discovered she moved cities for work but coincidentally her ex had moved here too the year before. Then I discovered she had dinner with him before climbing sometimes and kept it quiet. Then I discovered she was meeting up with him secretly sometimes and lying about it (checked her phone) and then I discovered she had given him a spare key to her house before she met me 'in case she ever got locked out' - didn't tell me that until 4 months in. And finally when she dumped me after her behaviour had caused me to be paranoid and insecure I took one last look at her phone and he had text her 'come over for cuddles if you want' and she put 'I'm too tired for sex and need to get up early ' When confronted she still denied anything and said it was a private joke between them... My point? Do not continue with this new guy. Dump him now but please be honest and tell him why and also tell him he did absolutely nothing wrong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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