kb93093 Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 (edited) Hi, just for some background info, I have been dating a guy for a year now, and have lived with him since our 5th month dating. He is a recovering addict, and has done a complete turn around with his self improvements, although to me no matter the circumstances he has always been amazing. We have known each other for years but never got as serious as we are now. Before moving in he had brought up his ideas and interpretations of an open relationship. Letting me know he has been in predicaments where he has loved multiple people and that has left some people hurt. We talked a little about it but then put it to rest and started focusing on our relationship and us as individuals. he is now bringing it up again, when I kinda thought this may have just been an idea he put in his past. We cant seem to see eye to eye which to the average person is normal. I am completely head over heels for this man and see myself one day having kids and marrying him... the typical love story all women see. He on the other hand see this as human nature and even called me selfish today when I explained that I do not think I could get into it. The biggest difference I see is clearly he wants to sleep with other people.... but I have no interest in that, and it makes me feel as though I am not enough, and strangely depressed to know he wants that so badly. He comes from an abused childhood, and fears commitment, where as I was an abandoned child and fear abandonment. Otherwise our relationship is beautiful, but I cant seem to shake the fact this may be a deciding factor. Really seeking any advice, personal experiences, or research to help me see this in a different light, and help make a decision for my future. thanks! Edited January 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 kb93093, Letting me know he has been in predicaments where he has loved multiple people and that has left some people hurt. So he's polyamorous? He on the other hand see this as human nature and even called me selfish today So he doesn't respect your viewpoint - big red flag. Forget both your childhoods and FOO issues, this guy has spelled it out to you; The biggest difference I see is clearly he wants to sleep with other people He's told you straight that he has no intention of being monogamous, so you have to either accept that or walk. It's your choice 6 Link to post Share on other sites
kaitlynlily6 Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 I've been in the same situation and my bf came from a broken family and grew up an abused adolescent. He's had previous relationships and multiple at a time. When we became a couple he said he would change and he did and tried. We've been together for 4 years, tried to work out the relationship, had a son but he eventually returned to his old ways - womanizing. I should have listened to my parents and my instincts when I knew about his history about his past relationships. That is his past. I'm sorry to say that aside from your bf's past he's even telling you frankly he wants a relationship with other people. If your willing to get hurt everyday of your life then you can risk having the relationship or better leave early on in the relationship before you're unable to.:( 3 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 He doesn't want monogamy as it doesn't work for him (an open or poly relationship may work), but you do. Either you accept him as he is, even if it means a one-sided open/poly relationship (mono/poly), or you break up with him and find someone who shares your values and goals for a relationship. BTW, he not wrong to want what he wants, but he may be wrong for you. He would be wrong to hide it from you, or act on this without your knowledge. You can't change him, or expect that from him, just as he can't expect you to change unless one of you is willing to try. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 Sadly, if you are looking for a monogamous relationship, he is not the man for you. He is who he is. Just as you are who you are. Neither of you is wrong in your desire, but you are not compatible. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 Oh yeah, polyamorous relationships are very fashionable nowadays. Monogamy is out, lol. I feel that you're gonna convince yourself that you're ok with that and give it try, then end up very unhappy, jealous and hurt. You two will start constantly fighting about it and then he's gonna tell you're limiting him and break up with you. Or you can realize this has no future and save yourself from all the emotional pain by ending this by yourself, now. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 Open is open. For women, it's easy enough to secure a sex partner. Bring one home, a really nice specimen, and introduce them. Heh. Who knows, maybe your guy is bisexual or likes to watch. With transparency, I trust he'll be fine with your new guy. Right? Open is open. Consider it a test run. Then you can decide. I noticed a bit of projection when he called you selfish. Yup. I get that love and infatuation colors things but you did bring the situation here so it's on your mind and you're concerned. So, does he have a particular lady in mind? Talked about her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 In spite of all the idealism from the open marriage crowd, and their talk of human nature necessitating more than one sexual relationship, it seems to me that human nature also tends to be jealous, not just sexually jealous but jealous of the time spent with the other partner. What happens when two partners or three have a crisis at the same time, all demanding attention? Oi vey. How is one person to prioritize these multiple loves? He is naive, IMO, if he thinks he can have a harem of women without inviting problems. OP, you are not alone in not wanting an open relationship. Personally, if a partner expressed this to me, and called me “selfish” for not agreeing to it, I would end the relationship because I would now know just how strong this desire was in my partner to spread the love, so to speak. Honestly OP, the odds of him being able to control his desires are low if he can’t control himself enough to refrain from calling you selfish over the issue. His beliefs and desires about this are clearly very strong, OP. I’ve been in the starry eyed romance stage of relationships enough times and ignored the red flags - excused them and rationalized them - only later to be absolutely miserable as those red flags turned to reality, wishing I could roll back the clock and realizing how much of my life, time, and energy had been wasted. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 In spite of all the idealism from the open marriage crowd, and their talk of human nature necessitating more than one sexual relationship, it seems to me that human nature also tends to be jealous, not just sexually jealous but jealous of the time spent with the other partner. What happens when two partners or three have a crisis at the same time, all demanding attention? Oi vey. How is one person to prioritize these multiple loves? He is naive, IMO, if he thinks he can have a harem of women without inviting problems. OP, you are not alone in not wanting an open relationship. Personally, if a partner expressed this to me, and called me “selfish” for not agreeing to it, I would end the relationship because I would now know just how strong this desire was in my partner to spread the love, so to speak. Honestly OP, the odds of him being able to control his desires are low if he can’t control himself enough to refrain from calling you selfish over the issue. His beliefs and desires about this are clearly very strong, OP. I’ve been in the starry eyed romance stage of relationships enough times and ignored the red flags - excused them and rationalized them - only later to be absolutely miserable as those red flags turned to reality, wishing I could roll back the clock and realizing how much of my life, time, and energy had been wasted. I agree with bachdude. Open relationships are hard - I know, I'm in one (millions of people are in some form, whether it's swinging, poly, or simply open). We've made it work, but there have been times when one of us had had some insecurity or jealousy. We've worked through it, and are better for it, but I certainly cannot recommend it for anyone unless they are very committed to trying, researching the subject, and working on themselves. It can still fail, of course - but so do most monogamous relationships. It depends on what risks and pains you are willing to potentially experience. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 So fall out of love and move on. That's your answer. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 Oh, OP, forgot to ask.... are you and BF college age, 20's, 30's, etc? Either of you married before? Relationship experience? If so, how long and how did that go? Link to post Share on other sites
ICEMAN69 Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 As long as he permits you to have the same freedom go for it. I'll give him credit, at least he's asking instead of cheating. But don't marry this guy. He's got too much baggage the way it sounds. Unless he can get this "open" thing out of his system but who knows where that will lead. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 So fall out of love and move on. That's your answer. I agree because he clearly is not in love with you if he doesn't mind you having sex with other men. Also he does have someone in mind that he wants to bone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kb93093 Posted January 14, 2018 Author Share Posted January 14, 2018 Oh, OP, forgot to ask.... are you and BF college age, 20's, 30's, etc? Either of you married before? Relationship experience? If so, how long and how did that go? we are both mid 20's, never been married, he has a 7 year old with a girl he knocked up in highschool, just a hookup. Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 Yeah, he can be in an open relationship with himself sans you! Just leave him already and find the man you deserve! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 If you want aren't looking for an open relationship, he is not the guy for you. Don't try to change his mind w/sex or waiting for him because in the end you will be hurt. Stay away and find someone who wants an exclusive relationship w/you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
afield934 Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 Oh yeah, polyamorous relationships are very fashionable nowadays. Monogamy is out, lol. I feel that you're gonna convince yourself that you're ok with that and give it try, then end up very unhappy, jealous and hurt. You two will start constantly fighting about it and then he's gonna tell you're limiting him and break up with you. Or you can realize this has no future and save yourself from all the emotional pain by ending this by yourself, now. Polyamory is cool now until we start seeing crimes commited because of it Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 You may be in love with him but love doesn't always conquer all. If you are not happy about having an open relationship & he doesn't believe in monogamy, you are at an impasse. It may be time to realize that your values are not aligned & despite loving him, this is not a long term prospect for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 Indeed, if you don't want an open relationship and he doesn't believe in monogamy, then he is not the guy for you. Sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LilySun Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 He's honest enough to express what he wants... Great. Calling you selfish because you don't want that lifestyle? What a jerk. Chances are he's already been sleeping with other people if this is how he feels. No relationship can work if both people don't want the same dynamic. No matter how well you get along, etc. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 (edited) Letting me know he has been in predicaments where he has loved multiple people and that has left some people hurt. he is now bringing it up again, We cant seem to see eye to eye which to the average person is normal. I am completely head over heels for this man and see myself one day having kids and marrying him... the typical love story all women see. He on the other hand see this as human nature and even called me selfish today when I explained that I do not think I could get into it. The biggest difference I see is clearly he wants to sleep with other people.... but I have no interest in that, and it makes me feel as though I am not enough, and strangely depressed to know he wants that so badly.He put you on notice for what to expect in exchange for making him be in your life. This is who he is. He'll get you pregnant--he may even marry you, but he will never remain faithful to you. You have to decide now if how you feel--as thought you're not enough and strangely depressed that he wants that so badly--is a condition you can tolerate for however long you decide to remain with him... and if it's fair to bring children into that miasma of self inflicted disappointment. This is who you have to become in order to have him in your life. It's not your best self and this is not love. You two are fundamentally at opposite ends of the universe in your views on what a relationship is about. This is dead before it's even begun. Be in love, but be woke and be practical and truthful with yourself at the same time. It's time to stop with the fairy tales you're telling yourself about how you wished he'd be. That's not his truth. Edited January 14, 2018 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
Calmandfocused Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 Ah, the classic manipulation strategy. Do as I want and if you don't you're selfish ...oh right! Please don't listen to this, it's nonsense. You have the right to have your needs/ wants met in a relationship too. He can't just change the rules and expect you to play along. That is selfish! I don't believe that you will dump this guy (yet) as your too emotionally invested. The best you can hope for is to communicate your expectations and boundaries clearly to him and hopefully you can reach some middle ground between you both that you're both happy with. However there are some things in a relationship where it's impossible to compromise as it's either one or the other.... Link to post Share on other sites
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