Being "unreasonable"?

[Happy28]

My boyfriend and I have been going out for about 3 years now. We're both 20. Recently, the dynamic of our relationship has changed a lot and I feel like he doesn't care as much as I do but I may be overreacting and looking too into things which is why I wanted to get a second opinion.

 

We are both on winter break. For the last few weeks, I have been going through a lot of stuff dealing with academics, my future and family. Not getting into detail, it's been affecting me a lot. And the only person I turn to is my boyfriend. I don't trust many people that easily so it's hard for me to even go to my friends or family with this stuff.

 

Sunday, it got pretty bad and I just wanted some time to myself and didn't want to talk to anyone. My boyfriend texted me twice asking if I was okay but I just wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. At night, I felt bad for ignoring him so I told him I was just going through some stuff and just wanted some time but that I loved him and not to worry. He didn't respond to the text or ask what was wrong and I understand it was because he was mad I ignored him that day and thought the reason I needed time was because of the relationship.

 

The next night I called him and told him everything that was bothering me. He did not pick up the first few calls because he was still mad, but when he did, he listened and tried his best to help. He was understanding and really did his best to help, but I asked him if I could see him the next day and just talk it out in person because I hate talking about serious things through the phone. He said "he'll see" and that he's sick.

 

The next day, he woke up around 5 because he worked the night shift. While he was sleeping, I asked when I could see him and when he woke up he just "I'm going to the gym to play basketball. I'll just see you tomorrow." I asked him again if he could just see me for a bit and how he was going to the gym if he was sick. He said "he was fine to go to the gym." I asked him if I could drive over in 2 hours and we could talk for like 30 minutes because it was important and I needed to talk to someone. He said no and that "he wanted to play basketball more."

 

(That previous week, he actually promised he would adjust to my schedule the next week because he's been choosing his friends and the gym over me a lot. I wasn't obviously going to ask him to adjust to my schedule everyday, but it just hurt that he could not even keep that promise for one day.)

 

He got even more sick at the gym and left early. The next day, the day he said "he'd see me", and 3 more days after that, he stayed at home sick. So I haven't been able to see him for a week now.

 

Now by no means am I blaming him for getting sick or would I have forced him to see me, but I told him it hurt me how he could push me to the side on a day I said I needed to talk to someone. He always asks "why doesn't it matter if I didn't see you today? I'll see you tomorrow." But I don't think thats the right mentality at all for a relationship. It feels like he always pushes me off. And in this case, "tomorrow" never came. I haven't seen him for a week now or got to talk to him about what is going on.

 

What hurt me even more is as I was talking to him about this, he hung up the phone within 5 minutes and called his friend immediately to get his opinion and declined all my calls. And when that call ended and he picked up my call, he started messaging his other friend (because I kept hearing his facebook messenger alert which was distracting to me in itself) and I asked him if he could not be distracted and just focus on what we were talking about instead of talking to his friend and he told me it wasn't a big deal and just ignored me and kept talking to his friend.

 

I kept asking him if he thinks him choosing basketball over me that day was really worth it and why he couldn't just sacrifice one less hour of playing time. And he told me I was "being crazy and over reacting" and that he just "wanted to play basketball more and has his own life" but to me this situation just made me feel like I couldn't go to or reply on him when I needed someone. It hurt hearing he wanted to play more than see me, especially when I needed to talk to someone. He kept saying "no problem of yours is that big that I need to sacrifice what I want to do" before he even knew what I needed to talk to him about. But to me, what I'm going through now, is really important, and I just needed to talk to someone in person.

 

We haven't seen each other in 7 days and it's winter break and he lives 5 minutes away.

 

I just want to know if I am being unreasonable with all this.

[basil67]

He's showing all the signs of reevaluating whether or not he wants to be with you.

 

You say that your current issues have been affecting you a lot. Do you think that perhaps you've been not the best company during this time? And you did ignore his contact while you were in a mood....then pretty much insisted he be available when you were ready.

 

He may be thinking it's too much drama.

[TheFinalWord]

My boyfriend and I have been going out for about 3 years now. We're both 20. Recently, the dynamic of our relationship has changed a lot and I feel like he doesn't care as much as I do but I may be overreacting and looking too into things which is why I wanted to get a second opinion.

 

We are both on winter break. For the last few weeks, I have been going through a lot of stuff dealing with academics, my future and family. Not getting into detail, it's been affecting me a lot. And the only person I turn to is my boyfriend. I don't trust many people that easily so it's hard for me to even go to my friends or family with this stuff.

 

Sunday, it got pretty bad and I just wanted some time to myself and didn't want to talk to anyone. My boyfriend texted me twice asking if I was okay but I just wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. At night, I felt bad for ignoring him so I told him I was just going through some stuff and just wanted some time but that I loved him and not to worry. He didn't respond to the text or ask what was wrong and I understand it was because he was mad I ignored him that day and thought the reason I needed time was because of the relationship.

 

The next night I called him and told him everything that was bothering me. He did not pick up the first few calls because he was still mad, but when he did, he listened and tried his best to help. He was understanding and really did his best to help, but I asked him if I could see him the next day and just talk it out in person because I hate talking about serious things through the phone. He said "he'll see" and that he's sick.

 

The next day, he woke up around 5 because he worked the night shift. While he was sleeping, I asked when I could see him and when he woke up he just "I'm going to the gym to play basketball. I'll just see you tomorrow." I asked him again if he could just see me for a bit and how he was going to the gym if he was sick. He said "he was fine to go to the gym." I asked him if I could drive over in 2 hours and we could talk for like 30 minutes because it was important and I needed to talk to someone. He said no and that "he wanted to play basketball more."

 

(That previous week, he actually promised he would adjust to my schedule the next week because he's been choosing his friends and the gym over me a lot. I wasn't obviously going to ask him to adjust to my schedule everyday, but it just hurt that he could not even keep that promise for one day.)

 

He got even more sick at the gym and left early. The next day, the day he said "he'd see me", and 3 more days after that, he stayed at home sick. So I haven't been able to see him for a week now.

 

Now by no means am I blaming him for getting sick or would I have forced him to see me, but I told him it hurt me how he could push me to the side on a day I said I needed to talk to someone. He always asks "why doesn't it matter if I didn't see you today? I'll see you tomorrow." But I don't think thats the right mentality at all for a relationship. It feels like he always pushes me off. And in this case, "tomorrow" never came. I haven't seen him for a week now or got to talk to him about what is going on.

 

What hurt me even more is as I was talking to him about this, he hung up the phone within 5 minutes and called his friend immediately to get his opinion and declined all my calls. And when that call ended and he picked up my call, he started messaging his other friend (because I kept hearing his facebook messenger alert which was distracting to me in itself) and I asked him if he could not be distracted and just focus on what we were talking about instead of talking to his friend and he told me it wasn't a big deal and just ignored me and kept talking to his friend.

 

I kept asking him if he thinks him choosing basketball over me that day was really worth it and why he couldn't just sacrifice one less hour of playing time. And he told me I was "being crazy and over reacting" and that he just "wanted to play basketball more and has his own life" but to me this situation just made me feel like I couldn't go to or reply on him when I needed someone. It hurt hearing he wanted to play more than see me, especially when I needed to talk to someone. He kept saying "no problem of yours is that big that I need to sacrifice what I want to do" before he even knew what I needed to talk to him about. But to me, what I'm going through now, is really important, and I just needed to talk to someone in person.

 

We haven't seen each other in 7 days and it's winter break and he lives 5 minutes away.

 

I just want to know if I am being unreasonable with all this.

 

Yes, you are a bit unreasonable. When you do not want to interact with him, you see that as very reasonable and balanced. But when he does not want to see you, you automatically assume does not care about you and try to shame him for it. You cannot control him. The more you try to guilt him for playing basketball or whatever his hobby is, the further you are going to push him away. You also admitted you unload all your problems on him only. Which would you rather do when you are dating someone and on winter break...listen to them unload all of their problems, or engage in a fun and interesting hobby? Now, that does not mean he should just ignore your feelings or not care. But you have a bit of a double standard and it seems you are putting a lot of pressure on him. Not only does he have to be the only one you unload your problems on, he also has to sacrifice his hobbies in order to do so.

 

Anyway, good luck with things. I think this is repairable, but my main recommendation is to try to find some other people to talk about your problems with. You don't want your BF to associate you with complaining. He's too young and at this age you two should be more interested in having fun and not taking things so seriously.

[Cookiesandough]

I think you are dealing with things that may be outside the scope of what your boyfriend can handle. Sometimes our loved ones want to help us but they don’t know how or they it’s just get emotionally exhausted from it and want a break. You needed a break to you and you ignored him for a full day. You must remember that we all go through those times where we just don’t want to deal with it and he was going through that time today that he wanted to go play basketball etc. It would’ve been better for you to tell him that you are dealing with some stuff before you started ignoring, but I guess that is understandable and it seems like he eventually understand as well. Perhaps instead of speaking to your boyfriend about this it would help to speak to a counselor or a therapist of some sort. I am not saying that you can I talk to your boyfriend about these things but it does get hard for people to be a sounding board speaking from having tried to make friends my sounding board in the past. They just get tired of it

[Arieswoman]

Happy28,

Don't you have a tutor of some kind at your college/uni that can provide a support/counselling service service for you?

 

You could well be asking your b/f to advise you on matters that he has no experience of and he's getting frustrated that he can't help you.

[Versacehottie]

He's showing all the signs of reevaluating whether or not he wants to be with you.

 

You say that your current issues have been affecting you a lot. Do you think that perhaps you've been not the best company during this time? And you did ignore his contact while you were in a mood....then pretty much insisted he be available when you were ready.

 

He may be thinking it's too much drama.

 

Both of you are being unreasonable. Your communication with each other is breaking down. And i agree with basil that it sounds like it may very well be that he is evaluating whether or not he wants to continue with you. Maybe you are or should be doing the same? He doesn't sound like a bad guy but you guys need to work out how you are going to build on the positive with each other, communicate well and not dig your heels in while allowing each other to have other friends and hobbies. To me, it sounds like you lean a little heavy on him emotionally and he's up for it sometimes but not all the time--especially when you shut him out which is hurtful to him even though i can see you *tried* to manage it well enough. You are both 20 so a lot of times people, especially guys just want to be 20, and all the heavy emotional stuff and expecting them to choose you over friends and be at beck and call (which is how it appears not necessarily what you are doing exactly) will make them feel trapped.

 

work on your communication and having more FUN together. He should want (and you should want) to spend time together because it enhances life not becomes a heavy burden. Not saying you can never lean on him for your problems but obviously it's not balanced enough to where it is taking its toll. good luck

[smackie9]

6 months ago you were complaining about how he doesn't spend time with you...now here you are still complaining about it. Time to kick him to the curb hun...like we all said 6 months ago...he won't change and your only solution is to walk.

Edited January 14, 2018 by smackie9