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Do you understand her behavior?


JimmyNYC

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Hi everyone. I'd really like to get some advice. I'm completely confused by this woman's behavior that I met recently. So let me explain. We are both in our 40s.

 

We met online. We emailed for about a week and then decided to meet. The first date was kind of "ok" and i really couldn't tell if she was into me or not. I really thought she was attractive though and we did have some things in common. It was the day before NYE. At the end of the date she asked me if I want to go to a New Year's Eve party with her the next night. I thought it was just kind of odd that she asked me since she didn't act too into me and we had just met. But I chalked it up to me not reading her correctly. I told her i'd think about it because I didn't know if I wanted to go out on NYE. Usually I just stay home. She said she understood and also understood if I felt weird since we just me. Next day I thought hard about it and discussed with a few guy friends. In the end I decided to politely decline the invitiation because I just didn't know her at all and didn't want to be stuck at NYE party with all strangers and date whom I didn't know, didn't know her intentions, and didn't even know if she liked me or wanted to date me. I was super cool about it when I texted her and was honest. I said i'd definitely love to see her again but was just going to stay home and rest on NYE.

 

 

So then New Year's Eve rolled around the next day and I texted her few times to see how the party was and to show her I was interested. Didn't want her to think that by my not going I was not interested in HER. She replied back.

 

Then the next day which was a Sunday I texted her to see how her night was and she sent me a few short texts back and then that was it. I didn't hear from her all week so I thought she wasn't interested or had just wanted a warm body for a date for NYE. So I forgot about her.

 

Then on Friday around 3pm she texted me out of the blue and said hi do you want to meet up this weekend? I was totally surprised to hear from her. I thought she wasn't interested. I texted back that I was free tonight and do you want to go out? She said yes. So we went to dinner and then drinks afterward. She said the sweetest and nicest things to me all night. You are so handsome etc. we really hit off. Had fun and she seemed really excited to be with me. It was just an amazing night and I really started to like her. She actually came over that night and we enjoyed a little kissing and hugging. She ends up going home at 3 in the morning and was really really into me.

 

The next day, Saturday, I texted her around 11 a.m. to say hello how are you? hope you slept well. and she never replied till 4pm, which is almost 5 hours later. I thought that was odd. We text a few times more times that evening and then my last text to her said if you want to come over and watch a movie this week I'd like to do that. She didn't reply. No reply to my last text and then I never heard from her all week. I saw her back on the dating website all week. She went completely cold on me. Nothing. So I figured she didn't like me or had a change of heart. Then all the sudden she texts me tonight out of the blue at 7pm "Hi how are you"? I haven't replied.

 

I don't understand her behavior. Most women after 2 dates and the second one being a 7 hour date, ending at my place with kissing and hugging and so many nice things being said would be communicating every day. She did the same thing to me the weekend of NYE. As I wrote earlier, Never heard from her all the next week then friday out of the blue she asks if I'd like to do something that weekend. What do you make of this behavior? Is it odd? Should I text her back and continue to see her? What do I do and can you explain why she is acting like this? Maybe this is a case of she just isn't that into me? I'm totally confused. I kind of want to ask her "what's going on!" or "Are you into me?", or "why do you keep disappearing on me during the week?" but that may make me look totally weak and may put her on spot.

Edited by JimmyNYC
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CautiouslyOptimistic

How much alcohol was involved on the date that lasted til 3AM?

 

Also, thank you for using "texted" instead of "text." :) It's a pet peeve of mine lol.

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LivingWaterPlease

JimmyNYC, I remember your post about this one. You've been cool with this and handled it well, imo.

 

Hmmm, I'm with you on it that it does seem odd. If you like her in your place I might continue this for awhile but for me, I'd have to back off the physical to keep my feelings under wraps until the texting and meet ups become more regular and predictable. Once I start the kissing/cuddling part I like to have regular communication as I like the emotional to flow with the physical rather than to compartmentalize.

 

Personally, I think I'd say something about communication between dates in a light hearted way. From how you write, I'd bet you can think of a way to bring it up that would be casual and appropriate.

 

But, maybe date others, too, so that you're not depending on her for a R at this point?

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Now after thinking about it, my interpretation of her behavior is this. I think she is probably not that into me and therefore is keeping her options open and seeing what's out there in case there is something better. That's why she's on the dating website all week instead of contacting me.. Then the weekend rolls around and she's got nothing better to do so she ends up texting me to see if I'm available to go out and have fun. I mean I can't imagine she goes cold on me all week because she's playing hard to get or because she's super into me and is playing some sort of game. Am I right?

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What do you make of this behavior? Is it odd? Should I text her back and continue to see her? What do I do and can you explain why she is acting like this?

Simply put, you are guy number 3 or 4 on her list. She's looking for a better offer but when it doesn't come, or during a lull period, you'll suffice.

 

What do you do? Accept your position in the pecking order, or be someone else's number one.

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Now after thinking about it, my interpretation of her behavior is this. I think she is probably not that into me and therefore is keeping her options open and seeing what's out there in case there is something better. That's why she's on the dating website all week instead of contacting me.. Then the weekend rolls around and she's got nothing better to do so she ends up texting me to see if I'm available to go out and have fun. I mean I can't imagine she goes cold on me all week because she's playing hard to get or because she's super into me and is playing some sort of game. Am I right?

Hey, you got it before my post! Congratulations.

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LivingWaterPlease
Now after thinking about it, my interpretation of her behavior is this. I think she is probably not that into me and therefore is keeping her options open and seeing what's out there in case there is something better. That's why she's on the dating website all week instead of contacting me.. Then the weekend rolls around and she's got nothing better to do so she ends up texting me to see if I'm available to go out and have fun. I mean I can't imagine she goes cold on me all week because she's playing hard to get or because she's super into me and is playing some sort of game. Am I right?

 

You might be. Hard to tell for sure but sounds logical. If you like this woman, though, and don't mind going with the flow for awhile, her feelings for you may grow. She obviously enjoys being with you. If I didn't like being around a guy I wouldn't ask him to do stuff even if i had no other plans. You have a great way about you that I can even sense through your posts. I think she likes that about you and that is something most people don't have. It's a gift. If she sticks around you enough she'll probably fall for you!

 

But, if you are feeling you don't want to risk your heart maybe after this next date reevaluate?

 

My former next door neighbor guy was dating a woman he met through OLD an we used to talk about our dating lives together. He was much younger than i. Anyway, he told me this woman was a real sweet girl but she wasn't "the one." Well, she stuck with it and they are now very happily married with two little kids!

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newyorker11356

I would probably agree with what some others have said. I think she does "like" you, but you aren't her #1 priority, but in a pecking order.

 

Take that as you will.

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todreaminblue

i feel its an oversight to rely on texting to carry communication......why not call her ask and set up a date and see what happens/......deb

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I think that when you turned her down for the NYE party to stay home and rest she thought that you were lying about staying home and were really seeing someone else or she thought you didn't want to go because weren't that interested in her.

 

Then you texted her a bit, didn't ask her for a date and then disappeared for a week which again made you look like you were disinterested in her. So she decided to initiate and you two went on a date and you both had a good time. Then you asked her to have a sex date with you and disappeared for another week when she didn't say yes to sex. Now she's contacting you again. Sounds to me like she's not ready for sex yet and wants to get to know you better/go on more dates before she Netflix and chills with you.

 

Ask her on a date and stop disappearing for a week at a time. She probably expects you to initiate texting during the week, and to ask her on dates (not to "watch movies" at your place), and she doesn't sound ready for sex yet. If you saw her on the dating site she probably saw you there too which contributes to her thinking that you're not that interested in her.

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I think you're on her 'loose end list'.

 

She was at a loose end on NYE so invited you to the party.

She has no interest in keeping any communication going but so far you are agreeable to that and she can get in touch when it suits her.

 

Her loose end times seems to happen each weekend though which is fairly telling about her social life.

Maybe she is this way with everyone, friends included.

 

I don't see anything wrong with 5 hours not texting but when it becomes a full week and she can and is picking you up and dropping you then it doesn't bode well for any actual connection to come out of it.

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Hi everyone. I'd really like to get some advice. I'm completely confused by this woman's behavior that I met recently. So let me explain. We are both in our 40s.

 

We met online. We emailed for about a week and then decided to meet. The first date was kind of "ok" and i really couldn't tell if she was into me or not. I really thought she was attractive though and we did have some things in common. It was the day before NYE. At the end of the date she asked me if I want to go to a New Year's Eve party with her the next night. I thought it was just kind of odd that she asked me since she didn't act too into me and we had just met. But I chalked it up to me not reading her correctly. I told her i'd think about it because I didn't know if I wanted to go out on NYE. Usually I just stay home. She said she understood and also understood if I felt weird since we just me. Next day I thought hard about it and discussed with a few guy friends. In the end I decided to politely decline the invitiation because I just didn't know her at all and didn't want to be stuck at NYE party with all strangers and date whom I didn't know, didn't know her intentions, and didn't even know if she liked me or wanted to date me. I was super cool about it when I texted her and was honest. I said i'd definitely love to see her again but was just going to stay home and rest on NYE.

 

 

So then New Year's Eve rolled around the next day and I texted her few times to see how the party was and to show her I was interested. Didn't want her to think that by my not going I was not interested in HER. She replied back.

 

Then the next day which was a Sunday I texted her to see how her night was and she sent me a few short texts back and then that was it. I didn't hear from her all week so I thought she wasn't interested or had just wanted a warm body for a date for NYE. So I forgot about her.

 

Then on Friday around 3pm she texted me out of the blue and said hi do you want to meet up this weekend? I was totally surprised to hear from her. I thought she wasn't interested. I texted back that I was free tonight and do you want to go out? She said yes. So we went to dinner and then drinks afterward. She said the sweetest and nicest things to me all night. You are so handsome etc. we really hit off. Had fun and she seemed really excited to be with me. It was just an amazing night and I really started to like her. She actually came over that night and we enjoyed a little kissing and hugging. She ends up going home at 3 in the morning and was really really into me.

 

The next day, Saturday, I texted her around 11 a.m. to say hello how are you? hope you slept well. and she never replied till 4pm, which is almost 5 hours later. I thought that was odd. We text a few times more times that evening and then my last text to her said if you want to come over and watch a movie this week I'd like to do that. She didn't reply. No reply to my last text and then I never heard from her all week. I saw her back on the dating website all week. She went completely cold on me. Nothing. So I figured she didn't like me or had a change of heart. Then all the sudden she texts me tonight out of the blue at 7pm "Hi how are you"? I haven't replied.

 

I don't understand her behavior. Most women after 2 dates and the second one being a 7 hour date, ending at my place with kissing and hugging and so many nice things being said would be communicating every day. She did the same thing to me the weekend of NYE. As I wrote earlier, Never heard from her all the next week then friday out of the blue she asks if I'd like to do something that weekend. What do you make of this behavior? Is it odd? Should I text her back and continue to see her? What do I do and can you explain why she is acting like this? Maybe this is a case of she just isn't that into me? I'm totally confused. I kind of want to ask her "what's going on!" or "Are you into me?", or "why do you keep disappearing on me during the week?" but that may make me look totally weak and may put her on spot.

 

 

Are you that lazy to pick up the phone and call her? I know every person is different but I still prefer the old fashion phone calls. She invited you out for NYE but you declined. I don't care how nicely you did it, that would still sting a bit. But she eventually asked you out again and had an amazing time.

 

You invited her to basically Netflix and chill which she didn't respond. Maybe not what she wanted at the moment.

 

You're complaining about her behavior but what about YOURS!!?? Ugh! It's a two way street. You saw her on the dating app which means you were on it too.

 

Man up and instead of asking here, you should really be asking her what the deal is. She most likely just as confused as you but she has the balls to still contact you. So she maybe limiting the contact until she knows your real intentions.

 

In any case that you may be just one of her options ATM, doesn't mean you can't be the ONLY ONE in the future. Again, man up and communicate!

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Yeah sort of thinking the same.

But ,she also went out on a limb asking you to nye and she's approached you other times too, even if it might have been on a nothing else on, wkend , but, maybe that wasn't the case.

 

Just call her , talk, find out , the worst she can say is not interested .

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You say you hadn't heard from her all week, but my question is, did you contact her during the week at all?

 

She could be doing what you're thinking, and only contacting you when all her other options have run out and she would like to have a date for the weekend.

 

BUT

 

She could be contacting you because she hasn't heard from you all week, thinks you hit it off, is unsure what your feelings or intentions are, but puts out the effort, and she'd like to have a date with you on the weekend...and she's extending herself despite your seeming lack of interest during the week.

 

Netflix at home to "chill" might be too much too soon. Clothes have a habit of coming off.

 

Contact her more during the week, a simple text, a call. Hopefully she'll follow suit because she feels more confident that you are ready to pursue a relationship...you're interested.

 

You can't complain that she's not contacting you when you don't contact her. I wouldn't fret too much about the timing just yet. It could be she's not in a place (busy) to dedicate a conversation, whether text or otherwise, and waited until later. She got back to you and when you're together, things are good. She's just as confused as you are.

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You say you hadn't heard from her all week, but my question is, did you contact her during the week at all?

 

No, I did not contact her. And the reason is because of her texting behavior the day after our long date. She waits 5 HOURS to reply to my morning text? And then my last text in the early evening stating I'd like to watch a movie at my place this week with her received NO REPLY. Nothing. That is just rude. If she didn't want to come over and watch a movie this week, that is fine, but she could have at least replied to me and communicated that to me. But to just leave me hanging? rude and shows lack of respect. Would she have done that to Brad Pitt? So that is why i never contacted her during the week. The ball was in her court to at least decline my offer.

 

When she asked me out on NYE, I showed her the respect and courtesy of telling her nicely that I was going to stay home and explaining why AND then telling her i'd love to see her again. I got NOTHING form her. not even a thanks but no thanks, reply. nothing.

 

I don't trust her and I don't contact a woman who treats me that way.

 

And now she texts me out of the blue last night. Hi how are you? we texted back and forth a bit and she never mentioned anything about it. I asked her how she is and she said she had a bad week and life sucks. Weird stuff to text me about after i've had no contact from her all week. That was it. I think she is shady and i'm like guy number 5. Please let me know if i'm wrong about all that but I don't think I am.

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Simply put, you are guy number 3 or 4 on her list. She's looking for a better offer but when it doesn't come, or during a lull period, you'll suffice.

 

What do you do? Accept your position in the pecking order, or be someone else's number one.

 

He should make her # 3 or 4 on his list :) Date 2 or 3 girls, when one disappears for a bit it's no big deal.

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He should make her # 3 or 4 on his list :) Date 2 or 3 girls, when one disappears for a bit it's no big deal.

 

Yep that is the new plan. You try to be a good guy, treat women with respect, tell the truth and be faithful and loyal. Then what do women do in response? they crap on you. It just doesn't work out to be a nice guy. the men who treat women like crap have the most loyal, faithful, and committed women on the planet. We nice guys who do the right things just get crapped on.

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LivingWaterPlease
Yep that is the new plan. You try to be a good guy, treat women with respect, tell the truth and be faithful and loyal. Then what do women do in response? they crap on you. It just doesn't work out to be a nice guy. the men who treat women like crap have the most loyal, faithful, and committed women on the planet. We nice guys who do the right things just get crapped on.

 

Jimmy, she could be one who prefers you call her rather than text her. I know, I know that she's texted you, too.

 

However, if I was dating a guy who was texting me rather than calling me I wouldn't care for it at all. Phone conversations are so much warmer and more powerful to me. To me, texting is weak (it says, "You're meh to me...") without consistent phone calls.

 

If you like her start having phone conversations with her.

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No, I did not contact her. And the reason is because of her texting behavior the day after our long date. She waits 5 HOURS to reply to my morning text?

 

 

 

This seems a little overbearing. If someone texts me Saturday morning, I have a ton of things going on, if I am on an arbitrary timeline to text them back sucks to be them. This is not out of line, she may sleep in, she may be hung over, she may have to go to the store, she may have a million things going on and she did text you back, just not on your timeline. You are assuming that up until 4pm she had nothing going on.

 

 

That being said her other slow communication and not responding during the week when the ball was in her court would be a turn off, but if she is agreeing to see you and follows through without a ton of effort and blow offs, I would go with it. You hardly know her right now, if she is dating other guys or not, why would you expect to be a top priority in her life yet? Some women prefer you to reach out more in the beginning.

 

 

Some people are not heads down in their phone, I don't necessarily care to text all that much or that often. I don't hold people to strict response times because when you do that, you sit there thinking every minute why is she not texting you back so after a few hours you get frustrated assuming she is ignoring it for no reason. She could be at the movies or DMV or a friends house...doing something that she is not going to check her phone for hours. Last Saturday I had to put in a kitchen faucet, I started by going to the store at 9am and after 6 trips to the store for various reasons and finishing the work, it was 5:30 when I finished. I went out to eat after and it was 6:30 before I check my phone that day. It happens.

 

 

I wouldn't worry about not being a priority or slow texting until a few more dates when you should expect to be somewhat of a priority or if you have actual plans and she fails to confirm or answer a text about actual plans.

 

 

"When she asked me out on NYE, I showed her the respect and courtesy of telling her nicely that I was going to stay home and explaining why AND then telling her i'd love to see her again. I got NOTHING form her. not even a thanks but no thanks, reply. nothing. "

 

 

It sounds like you made a statement, I wouldn't say that 100% commands a reply. That's 50/50 because she may well have been busy with New Year's eve when she got the text, might have been drunk and hung over the next day etc. You expected a response which is fine, but no response to that would not be a huge deal breaker for me.

 

 

Given all the circumstances and how you hardly know each other I wouldn't overthink it and go with it as long as you are getting dates. If it turned out to be a slow responding pen pal situation, then I'd check out. It sounds like she is interested but doesn't communicate in the early stages as much as you expect, and those are your expectations not hard set rules, so likely you two wouldn't be on the same page.

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Jimmy, she could be one who prefers you call her rather than text her. I know, I know that she's texted you, too.

 

However, if I was dating a guy who was texting me rather than calling me I wouldn't care for it at all. Phone conversations are so much warmer and more powerful to me. To me, texting is weak (it says, "You're meh to me...") without consistent phone calls.

 

If you like her start having phone conversations with her.

 

Livingwaterplease - I really appreciate your input and comments. However, I just don't think the issue here is whether I text or pick up the phone. I mean had I "called" instead of "texted" that Saturday after our date probably would have made matters worse. That is not how people communicate in that context in today's society. Had I called I would have looked like a socially clueless overzealous moron. It would have had a much worse effect. That is not to say one should never "phone talk". But it has to be in the right context. I was dating a girl before this one and we started texting one night about dinner plans. It was becoming a conversation so I just called her and we "talked" it out. She said it great that I called. She appreciate it. But it was the right context for talking.

 

I know when to call and when not to call. But in this context with this latest woman calling was not in the right context. So had I called she wouldn't have all of sudden been texting and calling me everyday. That is not the solution to her hot and cold behavior. You have to know how to read the situation, context, and person. This current problem is more of an issue with her interest level and character not my method of communication.

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BarbedFenceRider

I think everybody is right....

 

1. You are probably #5 on the dating line. But after a couple of makeout sessions, I would think that would bump you up to number #2 at least. If you only made it to #4...uhh, what are the others doing? lol

 

2. You DID have a couple of real intimacy moments...And only text is involved? Just use the damn phone. Just to set things straight here...Makeout sessions= phone call. lol

 

Gosh, you are a braver soul to be dating these days...I really hope the best for you.

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or she DID consider the NYE as a rejection and has lost interest or is less interested. Despite the common belief that the more distant a guy is, the more interested the female. Some people get bored/loose interest if the guy doesn't show interest. For someone who never ask a guy out ( don't know if that is true or not), asking you out for NYE may be consider going out on a limb and the 'rejection' ( no matter how nicely you word it) may have hit her hard.

 

As for the 5 hr delay text, she could be busy...happens with me all the time. When I am busy at work, I do not have 1-2 mins to send a text ( rarely have time to pee or eat) when thinks get hectic. OR she forgot to push send after writing the text...which also happens to me and I will wonder why someone didn't reply a day later ( happen to this guy I am currently seeing and he is really sweet about it).

 

If it's:

1. just call and ask her out. See if you can rebuild the interest if you like her that much.

2. eh, not a big deal... well, to me any way.

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