Radarsat Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 I've been dating this wonderful woman for about a month and a half now. This woman has been fantastic and a breath of fresh air for me. She also has two kids similar ages to mine, which is nice. Bit of background on her: She separated from her ex about 5 years ago, year later she was living with her new boyfriend who happened to be very close friends with her ex husband. She and the kids lived with him and his son. She broke up with him in April of 2017 but knew she was leaving him in January 2017 due to cheating, but she couldn't leave right away due to finances. So she's been away from this guy since April or so. He lives 1.5 hours away. They were all in a very tight circle of friends and they both still are friends with the same group. He is more of an acquaintance to many, but he still is connected none the less. My girlfriend has been invited to a 40th birthday party for a friend and her ex boyfriend is going. It's 1.5 hours away at a restaurant. The birthday man's sister USED to be married to my girlfriends ex-boyfriend (before my gf and him were together) and that is why he is invited. They don't hang out with him per say, but they say hello apparently. I really don't get why he would be invited, but I' don't fully know or appreciate the dynamics of the group of friends yet either. I offered to go and drive down with her to the party because she is very upset with the fact that he is going to be there (she made a point of telling me so she isn't hiding anything) and she says she doesn't want to see him and it's going to be weird. But she also knows he's going to try and make small talk with her. Apparently he also still tells people that they are together but she had to move away because it was too much strain on the kids with commuting to school but they're still together. When I offered to go her response was that she thinks she needs to go alone...as it's for her friends birthday and if her ex-bf is there she does not need it to be awkward for her friend. But she wants to hang out with me when she gets back as it won't be late. Do I have any reason to not trust this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 There is nothing to worry in terms of her cheating on you. I am more curious as to why she wants to go at all. Going there will not be enjoyable to her so why not just decline the invite and meet her friend one-on-one for her 40th birthday. The friend is big enough to understand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 You have no reason not to trust this but IMO her logic is flawed. If everybody behaves in a civil manner there should be no awkwardness. Having you there is the best way to silent say & show to the world that she & the EX are history plus you would be the moral support she claims to want to face him. I really don't think she's keeping you away but I do think that she's going about this all wrong & having you there would be a benefit to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 I get it she wants to be there for her friend, but doesn't want anything to do with her ex because things are still raw...so she is stuck between a rock and a hard place. Yes she could say no and disappoint her friend because this is a milestone Bday...So she values her friendship over her ex, and that's why she is going. She is obviously nervous about seeing the dbag again and doesn't any drama with you being there.She is not going there to see him, she is going there to celebrate her friends Bday with friends. You only been dating for a month and a half....that's hardly enough time invested to have any kind of right to be by her side....it's way too soon. It would be different if you two were engaged or have been dating for over a year. I know you are all fluttery in the tummy over this new woman, BUT the reality of it is you two are just dating and not her husband. There truly is nothing here to question or worry about. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Radarsat Posted January 11, 2018 Author Share Posted January 11, 2018 You have no reason not to trust this but IMO her logic is flawed. If everybody behaves in a civil manner there should be no awkwardness. Having you there is the best way to silent say & show to the world that she & the EX are history plus you would be the moral support she claims to want to face him. I really don't think she's keeping you away but I do think that she's going about this all wrong & having you there would be a benefit to her. I totally agree. But I don't want to push the issue. I offered (and probably shouldn't have invited myself), and she has had this last bf be very controlling so I don't want to appear as such. I need to just trust her. It's not this weekend but next so she always has time to think about it and I'm sure talk about it with her gf's. I've just been hurt so many times that I'm a little bit nervous of her coming back and telling me that he has convinced her to try and work things out. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 I've just been hurt so many times that I'm a little bit nervous of her coming back and telling me that he has convinced her to try and work things out. That's a bit of an irrational fear. They've been separated for a year and he's long distance. Also if ever, out of nowhere, she wants to get back with him, well you've just been dating 6 weeks, it's not going to kill you and you won't even remember her last name in 6 months. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Radarsat Posted January 11, 2018 Author Share Posted January 11, 2018 That's a bit of an irrational fear. They've been separated for a year and he's long distance. Also if ever, out of nowhere, she wants to get back with him, well you've just been dating 6 weeks, it's not going to kill you and you won't even remember her last name in 6 months. Fair point Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 I'm not really sure why she wants to go if she is that upset. However, I don't necessarily agree that she should take you. You've only been together a month and a half. That might be too soon for her to bring you into all aspects of her life, including awkward situations with the ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Radarsat Posted January 11, 2018 Author Share Posted January 11, 2018 I'm not really sure why she wants to go if she is that upset. However, I don't necessarily agree that she should take you. You've only been together a month and a half. That might be too soon for her to bring you into all aspects of her life, including awkward situations with the ex. She wants to go because she would be the only one probably not going who has been invited and if I were to guess, she doesn't want to NOT go and make it appear it's because of her ex-bf. She'd be estatic over the party if he wasn't there. The guy turning 40 is a very close friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Radarsat Posted January 11, 2018 Author Share Posted January 11, 2018 I get it she wants to be there for her friend, but doesn't want anything to do with her ex because things are still raw...so she is stuck between a rock and a hard place. Yes she could say no and disappoint her friend because this is a milestone Bday...So she values her friendship over her ex, and that's why she is going. She is obviously nervous about seeing the dbag again and doesn't any drama with you being there.She is not going there to see him, she is going there to celebrate her friends Bday with friends. You only been dating for a month and a half....that's hardly enough time invested to have any kind of right to be by her side....it's way too soon. It would be different if you two were engaged or have been dating for over a year. I know you are all fluttery in the tummy over this new woman, BUT the reality of it is you two are just dating and not her husband. There truly is nothing here to question or worry about. This made me feel better quite a bit. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 She wants to go because she would be the only one probably not going who has been invited So? she passed the age to worry about these things and if I were to guess, she doesn't want to NOT go and make it appear it's because of her ex-bf. So? again, she passed the age to worry about these things and what people would say. The guy turning 40 is a very close friend. If he were THAT close he'd know her discomfort as women confine about their every little thing to their BFF and he wouldn't have invited him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Radarsat Posted January 11, 2018 Author Share Posted January 11, 2018 So? she passed the age to worry about these things So? again, she passed the age to worry about these things and what people would say. If he were THAT close he'd know her discomfort as women confine about their every little thing to their BFF and he wouldn't have invited him. Yeah I know, and I'm not sure why this guy is still in the circle of friends. The guy is the ex-husband to the birthday boy's sister! WTF? Link to post Share on other sites
act00 Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 I think that at one and a half months into this relationship, it may be a little too soon to blend you with this group. It doesn't seem as though you have anything to worry about, although I do understand your reservations. There are never any guarantees, as you know, and it could be 6 weeks or 6 months and she decides to give it another try with this guy or go out with someone else...maybe this other guy's best friend or ex-husband of one of the other women. Agreed, the dynamics are strange. You're going to have to deal with these exes if they're so tight knit they all hang out, and another issue to consider with a LTR with this woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 No need for concern for the party. But this is a problem: "Apparently he also still tells people that they are together but she had to move away because it was too much strain on the kids with commuting to school but they're still together." It's been over since April, why doesn't she correct him or contradict him when he tells people they're together? Why doesn't she tell the truth to their friends? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Radarsat Posted January 12, 2018 Author Share Posted January 12, 2018 No need for concern for the party. But this is a problem: "Apparently he also still tells people that they are together but she had to move away because it was too much strain on the kids with commuting to school but they're still together." It's been over since April, why doesn't she correct him or contradict him when he tells people they're together? Why doesn't she tell the truth to their friends? Oh no, she corrects them, and I've even seen her do that. It's just the fact that HE himself thinks otherwise and it's only my insecurity thinking that once he gets her in a room, he might be able to convince her to try again. Especially if he moves to where she lives now, which he has said he's doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts