Lorenza Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 I got a friend request from him around Christmas time, but because I didn't know who he was, I asked "do we know each other?" before adding him. He explained that he saw me on a dating app and was totally smitten by my profile text so he took the liberty of finding me on Facebook. After chatting for a few days, I got an impression that he's an interesting guy so I ended up adding him and we continued talking on there. He's from the same country as I am originally, but I was back there for a short visit only, so when he asked if we could meet up in the capital, I told him I want to spend every single moment with my family (I see them only 3-4 times a year and wouldn't use that time to go on a date instead). So he ended up suggesting we meet in the country of my residence and I agreed. He hasn't implied or mentioned that I'm supposed to host him so I'm assuming he will stay somewhere else (frankly, I haven't even asked, it was his own decision to come and I don't feel responsible for a stranger and where he's gonna stay over at). Everything would be fine, but this guy is way too excited about me. He has planned two days of activities for us, restaurants, live music venues which he insists he pays for, since I could never afford the things he wants to do with me. I'm a little bit worried that I might not even like him enough to spend so much time with him. Chatting is one thing, but meeting irl is another and I never have illusions or too high expectations (to be honest I make sure to have lowest expectations possible while going on dates). I don't like feeling any kind of obligation. Would it be awful if I canceled the second day, in case I don't feel like going? He was the one coming up with everything and I'm just supposed to go along. Also, he seems to be so smitten with almost anything I write, my interests, music taste. I also sent some of my music to him. Some months ago I dated a guy who didn't even bother listening to my stuff and that irritated me, but this one is on the opposite side of the spectrum and is head over heels about my music and my voice, which irritates me as well! Am I not normal? Then he also said he has to be careful not to fall in love with my pictures, after I sent him one (which wasn't anything special at all). The guy who ignored my music was mostly talking about himself and rarely asking any questions, but this one asks a hundred a day. I don't understand why can't there be some kind of ballance. What do you guys think? Does he sound overzealous (we're gonna meet tomorrow)? Link to post Share on other sites
FilterCoffee Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 Some months ago I dated a guy who didn't even bother listening to my stuff and that irritated me, but this one is on the opposite side of the spectrum and is head over heels about my music and my voice, which irritates me as well! Am I not normal? Haha I think you’re normal but the universe is having a laugh at your expense! About spending so much time with him, have you told him that you have other commitments so you won’t be able to give two whole days? If you haven’t, then tell him as soon as you can just in case you need to bail out. He does sound over zealous but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Keep an open mind, try to have fun and who knows, you may start liking him more! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted January 10, 2018 Author Share Posted January 10, 2018 Haha I think you’re normal but the universe is having a laugh at your expense! About spending so much time with him, have you told him that you have other commitments so you won’t be able to give two whole days? If you haven’t, then tell him as soon as you can just in case you need to bail out. He does sound over zealous but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Keep an open mind, try to have fun and who knows, you may start liking him more! I'm assuming he only means evenings, since he knows I work and study. But even two evenings filled with activities seems excessive to me. Just an hour ago he sent me a picture of something he wants to bring me as a present, and when I said I really don't need it and explained why, he wrote "Ok, I won't disturb". Like come on, we haven't met yet! And he's 9 years older than me (I'm 28), but acts like an excited boy. I'm not gonna act all bubbly just because he's coming over and wants to take me out, it's all his idea. Link to post Share on other sites
FilterCoffee Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 Yeah his behaviour is weird. You haven’t done anything for him to get this excited. Sounds like he’s obsessed about you and a bit immature which are red flags in my eyes. Take it one activity at a time and see how it goes. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 I wouldn't meet him....he's a cling-on. Run! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 You need to learn to be more clear. This man is coming to a different country to meet you & you are already considering ditching him after all that time & expense. That is very inconsiderate on your part. If you want to cancel do so before he spends the money & time to come to you. If you think he's too intense, tell him that NOW. Don't wait until he gets to your city then blow him off. Tell him to dial it back now because he's overwhelming you. Also actually have the conversation about where he will be staying. You are assuming he's made arrangements for his accommodations. I bet he thinks he's staying with you. Get that straight before he arrives. You will solve most of your problems if you learn to express yourself clearly 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted January 10, 2018 Author Share Posted January 10, 2018 You need to learn to be more clear. This man is coming to a different country to meet you & you are already considering ditching him after all that time & expense. That is very inconsiderate on your part. If you want to cancel do so before he spends the money & time to come to you. If you think he's too intense, tell him that NOW. Don't wait until he gets to your city then blow him off. Tell him to dial it back now because he's overwhelming you. Also actually have the conversation about where he will be staying. You are assuming he's made arrangements for his accommodations. I bet he thinks he's staying with you. Get that straight before he arrives. You will solve most of your problems if you learn to express yourself clearly He told me he's coming after buying the tickets so I don't really see why I should be extra considerate about his money and effort as he never asked me if he should come or not. It was more like: "would you go on a date with me in X city" Me: "sure!". Him: "Ok, I got the tickets". I'm not planning on "ditching" him as you put it, as I am going on the date, but I just feel like he made it an obligation for me to meet him on both days, while it is still a possibility that the first night will fall through. I can assure you he doesn't think he's staying with me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 It sounds a bit like love bombing to me. Too much too soon... If I were you, I’d run a quick background check. Better safe than sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 Fine. All I'm saying is that if you are uncomfortable speak up before you meet him & things get worse. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted January 10, 2018 Author Share Posted January 10, 2018 It sounds a bit like love bombing to me. Too much too soon... If I were you, I’d run a quick background check. Better safe than sorry. I did, there was nothing suspicious in his background. Isn't married, no kids, respectable job and loads and loads of travel pictures 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 I did, there was nothing suspicious in his background. Isn't married, no kids, respectable job and loads and loads of travel pictures That sounds good, no harm meeting him then. [i mentioned because I got burned very badly once but in my case was legitimate psycho with criminal history...] Maybe get him on phone/video chat before you meet yo get a sense of what he's like. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted January 10, 2018 Author Share Posted January 10, 2018 That sounds good, no harm meeting him then. [i mentioned because I got burned very badly once but in my case was legitimate psycho with criminal history...] Maybe get him on phone/video chat before you meet yo get a sense of what he's like. We talked on phone, it was bad connection, but seemed like a pleasant person. I guess there's no harm, in worst case it's just an opportunity to go out in the city and that's all. In best case the company won't be too bad either 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 I got a friend request from him around Christmas time, but because I didn't know who he was, I asked "do we know each other?" before adding him. He explained that he saw me on a dating app and was totally smitten by my profile text so he took the liberty of finding me on Facebook. After chatting for a few days, I got an impression that he's an interesting guy so I ended up adding him and we continued talking on there. That would have creeped me out, why it hasn't you? If he was smitten by your profile than he can write to you on your profile. From the get go this man shows creepiness. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 Make sure you meet at a public place, and let someone know where you are and who this guy is with photos. It's a dangerous place out there for women meeting strangers for a date. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted January 10, 2018 Author Share Posted January 10, 2018 That would have creeped me out, why it hasn't you? If he was smitten by your profile than he can write to you on your profile. From the get go this man shows creepiness. He couldn't, as I haven't matched with him. Well, I asked him how he found me and he said it wasn't difficult because he had my name (a rare one) and my working place which was shown there. It was a little bit weird and quite frankly I didn't like that he simply added me instead of dropping a message on Facebook messenger first. I would probably ignore the friend request as I normally do but I thought it might be someone I knew in my homecountry, so I asked him if we're familiar. Then a conversation progresses and he caught my interest with intelligence and wit, so I thought I'll give him a chance to talk to me. It didn't strike me as something dangerous, but rather a little bit over the top and quite frankly I think he's a bit delusional about me. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 Personally, the e-stalking and asking for friends on social media would be a dealbreaker to me. I have not met a normal guy yet who did that. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 He couldn't, as I haven't matched with him. Well, I asked him how he found me and he said it wasn't difficult because he had my name (a rare one) and my working place which was shown there. It was a little bit weird and quite frankly I didn't like that he simply added me instead of dropping a message on Facebook messenger first. I would probably ignore the friend request as I normally do but I thought it might be someone I knew in my homecountry, so I asked him if we're familiar. Then a conversation progresses and he caught my interest with intelligence and wit, so I thought I'll give him a chance to talk to me. It didn't strike me as something dangerous, but rather a little bit over the top and quite frankly I think he's a bit delusional about me. It is creepy, a stranger that sees your picture on a dating site and hunts you down on FB till he finds you IS creepy. Normal men that cannot communicate with a woman on a dating site will just move to next they won't go out of their way to find them on social media. Second, he is all delusional about you but he doesn't know you. It's all in his head, he already sees himself in your life. You are looking for trouble with this man. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted January 10, 2018 Author Share Posted January 10, 2018 It is creepy, a stranger that sees your picture on a dating site and hunts you down on FB till he finds you IS creepy. Normal men that cannot communicate with a woman on a dating site will just move to next they won't go out of their way to find them on social media. Second, he is all delusional about you but he doesn't know you. It's all in his head, he already sees himself in your life. You are looking for trouble with this man. Yeah, he constantly says things like: "let's learn to dance together!" "we could watch this movie together", while I just roll my eyes reading. To be honest, men from my homecountry are a bit like that, they usually chase really heavily, but I've never dated a countryman and I'm used to the Scandinavian way (unfortunately). I just wish to meet someone who can be somewhere in between those two dating styles. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted January 10, 2018 Author Share Posted January 10, 2018 This guy seems to be upset at me also nothing ever since "ok I won't disturb more" and he usually writes the whole evening through. I didn't bother to reply to him throwing some kind of weird fit over me not accepting a present I really don't need (it's not something he bought, just a thing he already has at home). It's way too early for anything like that, we haven't even met, what is he thinking ffs. Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 L, this is NOT normal. I don't think it is just cultural, to me is sounds like a heavy love bombing and usually the caveat is guys like this will come very soon after with some absurd demand (usually asking for money). When I was young and naive I got flattered by a guy like this and let him move in wit me in few weeks time (then was when he came with his own absurd story and I was 'saving' him), which costed me multiple thousands of dollars. The next 'gf' (victim) called me later and she was even less lucky: she striked back and he physically abused her. It may be nothing like this but he's giving too many red flags reminding me of that person... Just remember he's a stranger and do NOT give him personal information, and if he makes crazy demands - RUN. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted January 10, 2018 Author Share Posted January 10, 2018 L, this is NOT normal. I don't think it is just cultural, to me is sounds like a heavy love bombing and usually the caveat is guys like this will come very soon after with some absurd demand (usually asking for money). When I was young and naive I got flattered by a guy like this and let him move in wit me in few weeks time (then was when he came with his own absurd story and I was 'saving' him), which costed me multiple thousands of dollars. The next 'gf' (victim) called me later and she was even less lucky: she striked back and he physically abused her. It may be nothing like this but he's giving too many red flags reminding me of that person... Just remember he's a stranger and do NOT give him personal information, and if he makes crazy demands - RUN. I don't think he needs money he has traveled all over the world and doesn't seem to lack. Also, a lot of his friends are commenting on his posts on Facebook, very positively. I'm not worried about my safety, like at all. I'm more worried that I'm wasting my time with someone who isn't very adequate about this whole situation. And I value my time more than anything (even going to town for a date is a big thing for me and when it's not so good, I'm thinking about all the nice stuff I could have done home on my own instead ). But yeah, red flags about early love bombing. Probably he's a bit desperate. Not good Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 I don't think he needs money he has traveled all over the world and doesn't seem to lack. Also, a lot of his friends are commenting on his posts on Facebook, very positively. I'm not worried about my safety, like at all. I'm more worried that I'm wasting my time with someone who isn't very adequate about this whole situation. And I value my time more than anything (even going to town for a date is a big thing for me and when it's not so good, I'm thinking about all the nice stuff I could have done home on my own instead ). But yeah, red flags about early love bombing. Probably he's a bit desperate. Not good Just keep in mind ALL conmen pretend to have lots of money. My conman pretended so as well (and pulled travel pics), and also introduce me to his friends within the first week. That’s part of their craft. Your time is the least of the concerns here, I’m sure you’d enjoy the dates, especially if he’s love bombing indeed he’ll be trying to impress you. Again - just be careful, it sounds odd. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted January 10, 2018 Author Share Posted January 10, 2018 Just keep in mind ALL conmen pretend to have lots of money. My conman pretended so as well (and pulled travel pics), and also introduce me to his friends within the first week. That’s part of their craft. Your time is the least of the concerns here, I’m sure you’d enjoy the dates, especially if he’s love bombing indeed he’ll be trying to impress you. Again - just be careful, it sounds odd. I told him I'm just making ends meet, so he picked a wrong woman if money is indeed what he seeks 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 I told him I'm just making ends meet, so he picked a wrong woman if money is indeed what he seeks I could be a little paranoid speaking about this one but after this story that I shared....... I feel the more precautions the better. In any case, have fun but keep mental notes of what you're seeing so you can get yourself out of a situation if need be. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 This guy seems to be upset at me also nothing ever since "ok I won't disturb more" and he usually writes the whole evening through. I didn't bother to reply to him throwing some kind of weird fit over me not accepting a present I really don't need (it's not something he bought, just a thing he already has at home). It's way too early for anything like that, we haven't even met, what is he thinking ffs. Seems to be upset at you?? This has written all over : passive agressiveness, manipulator, silent treatment! How many more red flags do you need? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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